pussycat's diary

[kittycat1]

Hi everyone!
I'm gonna try to be as concise as I can.

After basically whole life of weight struggles (chubby kid, fat/chubby adult), after I tried every diet ever, and after I disappointed myself million times - well, I still haven't give up, and I still have to will to fight!
I know everything, I understand calories in-out, I'm talented in some sports and I have all knowledge I need to have. But I miss something very important.

First - numbers! I'm 37, 5'7 and around 240-250 at the moment (170, 115)
I somehow managed to be around 180-200 most of my 20s. I was still 'fat' in eyes of my peers but from today's viewpoint - I would be really happy to see 200 on my scale! But I'll write about that a bit later on topic.

Why am I here?
Well, because I have just saw a video which gave me something to think about. Here it is!

For ones who don't have time to watch, this man pointed out 3 things important for weight loss - sleep, play and community/support.
And the last thing is what I'm missing - people who will understand and support me on regular basis.

You see, I really tried everything, especially in last 6-7 yrs when my weight is peaking. I tried every diet, every training, every supplement. And I must say - they ALL worked. Seriously. I got good results with everything... but I always gave up after a while. Why? Because I was alone in my struggle. Because I couldn't talk to anyone. I was ashamed. Don't get me wrong, I have friends and husband, they all love me, but they are mostly slim, or find easier to lose 10-20 pounds max. 'You just stop eating and that's it' they say, while I'm barely keeping myself from unnstopable filling of void inside of me. To be honest - I'm scared to talk about with about all of that, because I'm scared of my failing. I failed lot of times, and I don't want to drain their energy and then fail again. Because I probably will, and if I do - I want some people who would understand me better and help me to get up again. Seeing this video made me realize I need support more than anything and that support could be my weight loss key.

I was always trying alone, because I was raised to do everything alone, but turned out I'm simply not a person who can do weight loss alone. I need understanding and warmth. I need similar people to talk about. I need a safe place where I can go anytime I feel good or bad.

SO I came here, registered and I am ready to try and really make it this time! I know I have a long road in front of me, but as I said, I still believe in myself. I'm a fighter.

I wanted to write so much about my history, family situation, and all of the stresses which I'm handling right now and which make my eating habits hard to control. But, let's keep things like this, for now. Hopefully I will have an opportunity to write more in later posts

I don't even have a clear plan atm, but I know one thing - I'm not planning anything drastic, basic caloric deficit will probably be my solution. Because I'm sick of diets and I want to finally live normal life where I eat everything in moderation and fully enjoying sports and nature again (right now I mostly do the walks and some resistance training)

And yeah, english isn't my first language so pls excuse some mistakes I made.
Thank you all for reading, hope some of you will respond

 

[Cate]

Hey, kitty & welcome to the forum. I loved your introduction. I think you will find some really good support here in the forum. We don't judge one another & while we may be at all different stages of our lives & have different weight-loss plans I think we have more in common than we have differences. Most of us think weight-loss & "diet" should be healthy & sustainable & include some exercise if possible. I think you will do well. Are you going to use an app to keep track of calories?

 

[kittycat1]

Hey Cate, your warm welcome made me very happy!

I have My fitness pal installed, but I'm not sure am I gonna use it, or simply do some form of IF. In the past I had good results with both.
I'm bit more into IF protocol while I'm losing because it seem more natural.

When it comes to exercise, I really love fitness but right now I feel (and I am!) too heavy to do anything serious. So I basically do some walking, cycling, and work out with dumbells (mostly compound exercises because I love having my muscles active). I enjoyed hiking when I was lighter, but now it's a struggle. When I was 200lbs it wasn't a problem to go uphill for hours, but now it started to be
Unfortunatelly my job is sedentary, and I quit smoking few years ago and all that made my struggle even harder

I'm going to install Tapatalk so I can have access to this forum with my mobile as well.

 

[Cate]

Hey Cate, your warm welcome made me very happy!

That's good
I struggle with logging in MFP. If you want to add me feel free. I'm CateAussie. I'm doing a version of IF too at the moment. I'm only in week 2 though. I do 5:2, where I only have 500 calories 2 days a week & eat "normally" the other 5, so I mostly just track carefully on the 2 days. I think what we eat is much more important when we are trying to lose weight. Exercise makes us feel better.
I think just walking is great exercise. I try to fit in a walk wherever I go. Things like parking further away. Going up a couple of flights of steps rather than taking the lift. They all add up. I also wear a Fitbit, with reminders to move every hour.
Well done on giving up the smokes!

 

[kittycat1]

Thanks! If I activate MFP again I will definetely add you!

IF or any form of shorter fasting is great for me. I did that few times in the past and I always felt great and light in my body and head.
When it comes to food choices, long time ago I have learned which food is better for my body. I actually implemented that, so I got used to oats, eggs, olive oil, chicken, fish, and I eat those very often. But, at the same time, I often gorge myself and eat too much sweets, bread, and all those fattening stuff.

It's bad because I know these food are not good and I know I'm not going to make myself stop after a piece or two but I still go and buy that shit.
Problem is - when I buy it, I can't stop myself, and I have to eat that all. And if I forbid myself to buy that at all - after a while I start missing that food and eventually I binge. It's a vicious cycle.

I noticed IF somehow made my appetite a bit less strong so I think that could be good thing for me.

I believe motivation for weight loss shouldn't need to be explained to anyone, but I must admit in last few years I have moved from simply 'I wanna look better' mindset to 'I'm scared for my health'. And somehow now it seems more important than ever to lose 20kgs, but I'm still struggling with executing it

Hope you guys will help me to keep motivation.
Maybe I could mention my goals. I would be happy to lose 10kgs till my birthday May 1st, and another 10kgs till Sep 1st.
After that, I will plan further.

How do you exactly do your IF? What means to eat normally for you? For the maitenance or?

 

[Cate]

There are quite a few people in here who do IF by restricting their food to an 8-hour window(or less), ie eating between 12 noon & 8 pm for example. Some combine IF with low-carb. I can't skip meals altogether as I get too dizzy (& on advice from my doctor & cardiologist). Following the 5:2 "diet" on the 5 days, I eat maintenance calories or less ( I allow 1600 cals a day on those 5 days) & have 500 cals on the 2 days a week. I like the idea of only really restricting myself on 2 days a week. I did it years ago successfully but it takes a few weeks to get used to the hunger on the "fast" days.
If you can do the basic 16:8 version of IF then I would recommend that. It seems to work well for most people. I was disappointed that I couldn't continue with it.

 

[kittycat1]

Thanks. I read about different responses to fast in different people. It's great you have found what works best for you. How do you organize your meals when eating only 500 cals?

I handle fasting very well, I've even tried few days water fasts in the past (mostly for spiritual reasons), and I learned that my body starts to feel REAL hunger after 36 hours. I wrote real in uppercase because I'm usually rarely REALLY hungry - I'm mostly eating because of boredom, fear or insecurity.

Prolongued fasting teached me that my body is capable for anything but my mind is still a mess.
But, I'm not sure if I'm gonna do prolongued fasting while I'm losing weight. I was thinking about something like 12pm-8pm window since I'm reallzy not that hungry in the morning. I'm an evening eater, so why not eat my food in the evening?

Also, hoping I will find the way to handle my emotional issues as well. I have family member with serious diagnose (cancer) and I will probably move in other country very soon (job reasons) which also stress me out. Sometimes I feel life is so demanding and hard and the food is only thing I can have to make me feel better. But the fact I can write conciously about that is a big step for me.

 

[Cate]

It sounds like 12-8 would suit you well.
Life is very demanding. I am sorry that a family member has cancer. That sucks.

I feel life is so demanding and hard and the food is only thing I can have to make me feel better. But the fact I can write consciously about that is a big step for me.

Food is not the answer but most of us have experienced the same. I like this quote- "If hunger is not the problem then food is not the solution. "
Being as healthy as you can will help you cope with life.

 

[kittycat1]

I like this quote too !
I mean, it makes so much sense! It could be good to put it on the fridge

 

[Trusylver]

As cate said, there are plenty of members here who do IF, if differing types, so welcome to the forum

 

[alligatorob]

Hey KC, welcome to the forum! I see you have already attracted the attention of some of our best, good for you.

I can relate to the

whole life of weight struggles (chubby kid, fat/chubby adult)

thing, same here. Difference is I waited a lot a lot longer than age 37 to try and do something about it. You are wise to start now.

I am looking forward to following your progress.

 

[Llama]

Hi Kitty and welcome! Cate basically said everything I would have wanted to say so I´m adding my voice to the welcome chorus

 

[kittycat1]

As cate said, there are plenty of members here who do IF, if differing types, so welcome to the forum

Thank you!

Hi Kitty and welcome! Cate basically said everything I would have wanted to say so I´m adding my voice to the welcome chorus

Thank you as well, I have to browse all your stories when I have time.

Hey KC, welcome to the forum! I see you have already attracted the attention of some of our best, good for you.

I can relate to the
thing, same here. Difference is I waited a lot a lot longer than age 37 to try and do something about it. You are wise to start now.

I am looking forward to following your progress.

Thank you very much!

Unfortunatelly, I would like to be a weight loss beginner right now, but I had my first diet when I was 14.
Since then I'm struggling all the time. In my mind - I supposed to be 35 yo woman with nice figure, but I ended up fatter than ever. AND I'M DIETING ALL THE TIME; FOR 20 YRS!

Sometimes I wish I wasn't dieting not even once in my life, I would probably be on same weight like today or maybe even smaller Minus the self hartred and frustration

On the positive side, I really learned a lot about food and health, I did lot of sport and stuff etc.
But still, when I see my doctor, he isn't happy. I don't blame him, it's his job to take care of patient's weight. But the problm is I hate myself. I'm avoiding some regular checkups regular because I will feel like a loser when I come back still being fat. I feel like less worthy human being.

I really want to be that person who decide to lose weight and then REALLY do it.

When I was younger, I was able to reach 75-80kg which is good for my frame bcs I'm pretty athletic, doctors were happy back then but I wasn't. I still hated myself even I almost had normal BMI, but I was comparing my body to my friend's bodies and I was still a bit bigger than most of them.

But today - I would be really happy to reach that weight again! When I look at the photos of mine from that period - I think that's my goal.
I was also very sporty then and able to do anything. I woul really love to feel that way again. And also give myself another chance to be happy with my body.


I didn't do anything special today. For some reason, I had sandwich bit earlier than I use to. (cca 10am). I also had coffee. Today's goal is to finally do some exercise (because I'm prolonguing that for days) and to keep my second meal healthy and light, something like homemade pea soup and boiled eggs.
I also have lot work to do (I'm on my computer) and lot of deadlines.

I realize I need some well defined plan and goals, I'll work on that in next days.

 

[Llama]

Sometimes I wish I wasn't dieting not even once in my life, I would probably be on same weight like today or maybe even smaller

Quite possibly. Depends on how you would eat if you weren't on a diet. I think it was Aiminglow who puts words to it a couple of days ago. She said she doesn't diet she just tries to eat the way a naturally skinny person would eat. I think those are wise words.

 

[kittycat1]

Quite possibly. Depends on how you would eat if you weren't on a diet. I think it was Aiminglow who puts words to it a couple of days ago. She said she doesn't diet she just tries to eat the way a naturally skinny person would eat. I think those are wise words.

Well that's somehow my goal.
I'm aiming to became the person who eats normally, and who eats like non-fat person eats and lives her life without being attached to food that much.
I don't wanna be fat person who struggle with diets anymore, because I'm living that role all my life and IT DOESN'T WORK.

So, I somehow understand diets are not the answer, something else is. And that has something to do with our minds, not body.

 

[Llama]

Couldn't agree more.

 

[kittycat1]

Okay, I managed to do some 20mins dance exercise today. It's my fav form of cardio, I love to dance when I'm home.

I realized working from home is very big problem of mine, because I am alone and nobody is around. It's interesting how I was always loved to eat when I'm alone. It's some kind of relaxation for me, and not in healthy way.

Now I'm mature enough to realize that this is my life now and that I need to adapt to it. If I have to be at my desk for 8 hours a day, I'm gonna adapt to that and not using that as an excuse to eat too much.
I'm also pretty good cook, there is something in my genes, and I do it fast and effective. I can prepare myself anything, so that's a blessing and a curse at the same time. SO yeah, I'm able to creatively cook healthy food but at the same time I can prepare myself dessert in a second

Right now some potatoes are baking, no oil, only salt on a baking paper. I have some tomato and greek yoghurt dips for that. So minimum in calories.

I also have an option do work outside the house, and tomorrow I'm gonna do it. Still, it's tempting when I get back home, so I think I need to plan my meals for at least one day in advance. That could probably be helpful.

I decided this time I'm gonna take one day at a time.

Problem is that I'm deeply very sad ATM, and it's something that's going on for months. And it comes in waves.
The biggest reasons for that are some stuff in my life that I can't control (cancer in family etc), but I must admit I am sad and disappointed in myself.
I have learned who I am, I have a good job, men who love me, and I am real and honest towards myself. I know my good sides, I love my hair, face, body type overall, and how nice as a person I am. But I don't like how big my body is, and I don't feel healthy, and it was so hard for me in this last years to do something about that... things were too stressful. And food was so comfoting.

So yeah, I love myself, basically, but I don't love number on my scale. That part of me isn't good at all. DOes that make sense?

And I'm sure my life would be so much more joyful and better if I lose that weight. Don't get me wrong - I find joy right now, I enjoy books, movies, art, nice sunny day... But, I miss mountains and running, I miss feeling of lightness, I miss agility and well defined collar bones. I miss my thinner face. I miss being not that big in bikini. I really want all of that back.

 

[Llama]

I'm also pretty good cook, there is something in my genes, and I do it fast and effective. I can prepare myself anything, so that's a blessing and a curse at the same time. SO yeah, I'm able to creatively cook healthy food but at the same time I can prepare myself dessert in a second

Enjoying cooking is a great plus when you want to eat healthily. And being able to whip up a delicious dessert in a second means you can have a small portion of something delicious every day! Plenty of recipes to make healthier versions of yummy sweets, too.

Learning yourself unconditionally is a process. I don´t think it´s an exaggeration to say it something everyone on this forum has struggled with - or still struggles with.

 

[kittycat1]

I guess that's right - seeing cooking abilities as a plus. I should start to google some lighter desserts
I was always thought about that as a curse, like, how can I ever be slim when I like to cook and I'm doing that good?

I'm thinking about OMAD IF, like being on water most of the day than in the evening make something really healthy and nice, followed by small dessert. I think that way I could be happy and satisfied but still losing.
I'll also consider tracking calories together with that, at least in the beginning.


I love reading your insights and ideas, it's really helpful!

 

[overlandflyer]

..., this man pointed out 3 things important for weight loss - sleep, play and community/support.
...

i could add one more thing... education.

get smart about nutrition. i would suggest TED talks as a good starting place. chances are very good that what you have heard in the past and even today is flawed or biased information.