ChefChiTown
New member
So this summer I will have been married to the same person for 15 years. A few of them have been happy, a few miserable, most just very hard work.
I am nearing 40, and the past year or so has really had me doing serious introspection of my life, values, and (*surprise!*) my marriage. I often think I married very poorly, though my fella is not a bad person. He is not overtly mean, just does not pay any attention to me or our kids. We also have very, very little in common.
I am wondering lately if the notion of "mating for life" is ridiculously impossible. I am also wondering why I should have to look forward to a life of boring dissatisfaction and bitter frustration/disappointment simply because I signed a contract when I was 24 on ONE SINGLE STUPID DAY of my life!
I am wondering, too, if this is totally typical of women who are going through a mid life crisis of sorts. I would like to hear your thoughts on this.
ABBA
I don't think the true problem lies inside of your current situation. I think the true problem was back when you decided to get married.
This isn't directed at you, personally, but I think a lot of people get married for the wrong reasons, which ends up making people feel like you do at some point; questioning everything to the point of regret.
People should get married for one reason and one reason only; LOVE. You should only marry somebody if you know, deep within your heart, that they are the only person in the world that makes you happy, makes you feel comfortable, makes you feel safe, makes you feel alive, makes you feel loved and that you wouldn't be happy unless you spent every single day, for the rest of your life, with that person.
But, unfortunately, people get married for a million different reasons besides love, which can blow up in their face later on in life. Kids, money, desperation, sex, etc. People allow those things to interfer with their decision on whether to get married or not. When people do that, it blinds them from the true reality of their situation, keeping them from seeing that there might not even be love between them in the first place.
Like I said, I'm not directing that towards you personally, but to relate it to your current problem...
Maybe you didn't marry your husband for the right reason. I don't know if you did or not (that's something only you can know), but maybe you should spend a few moments and think back to when you first got married and ask yourself...
WHY did I marry this man?
If your honest answer is "LOVE", then you shouldn't be worried about anything. If your honest answer is anything but "LOVE", maybe you two should talk about things and get everything straightened out between one another. You're already married and you already have kids. You owe it, not only to yourself, but to your husband and your children as well, to do everything you can to make it work.
That's a good point.
People have unrealistic expectations in every avenue of life, especially when it comes to marriage and relationships. Society feeds people these horseshit expectations that marriage is "supposed" to be a certain way, so when things don't go 100% according to some societally endorsed plan, people start to feel as though their marriage is garbage. When, in fact, there is probably NOTHING WRONG IN THE FIRST PLACE.
The fact is, every marriage is different. To compare and contrast your own relationship (and the way it "works") to everybody else's relationships is going to do nothing but make you feel like shit. Nothing will ever be good enough for you if you do that.
"Sharon's husband buys her flowers every week, but you only buy me flowers once a month. Why don't you buy me more flowers, like Sharon's husband? Don't you love me?"
"Sharon's husband writes her love songs and plays them for her on his guitar, but you only write me nice little poems in greeting cards. Why don't you sing to me, like Sharon's husband? Don't you love me?"
"Dave's wife cooks him dinner at least 5 nights a week, but you only cook for me twice a week. Why don't you cook more, like Dave's wife? Don't you love me?"
"Dave's wife gives him a blowjob every night, but you only give me handjobs. Why don't you gobble balls, like Dave's wife? Don't you love me?"
Yes, the last example is silly, but people actually compare stupid crap like that and let it effect their marriage. Even though their marriage is FINE, people will start to question everything after comparing their relationship to everybody else's and begin to think that their marriage is an unhappy one. But, in all reality, they have a great marriage and have nothing to worry about.
So, look at your marriage and your marriage alone. If it makes you happy and you love the person you are with, that's all that matters.
) then you should walk...(well not literally!! LOL...whoever takes the most responsiblity re the children day to day should remain in the former marital home)
Here's to wiser choices in the future!
That has certainly never been part of my equation, thankfully. Not during my growing up or my marriage. Nothing even close! Nasty!