marriage

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ABBAgirl

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So this summer I will have been married to the same person for 15 years. A few of them have been happy, a few miserable, most just very hard work.

I am nearing 40, and the past year or so has really had me doing serious introspection of my life, values, and (*surprise!*) my marriage. I often think I married very poorly, though my fella is not a bad person. He is not overtly mean, just does not pay any attention to me or our kids. We also have very, very little in common.

I am wondering lately if the notion of "mating for life" is ridiculously impossible. I am also wondering why I should have to look forward to a life of boring dissatisfaction and bitter frustration/disappointment simply because I signed a contract when I was 24 on ONE SINGLE STUPID DAY of my life! :dupe:

I am wondering, too, if this is totally typical of women who are going through a mid life crisis of sorts. I would like to hear your thoughts on this.

ABBA
 
Hmm i think i stuck with a failing marriged gor about 4 years after i realized it was over. I think the best basis for marrige is friendship.
Often people fail to nurture the friendship which makes up the companionship part of marrige which i think is where it fails a lot, and i think the more major reason is that you just change and grow apart.
With my first marrige i was in love, and we were friends, but *I* changed. I didnt want to live in the shitty areas, didnt want to be always broke, i wanted to go somewhere and do something important.
He was holding me back and didnt want those things.
When i remrried and then subsiquently lost weight, i also again changed what i wanted and needed in life. Luckily my husband and family changed with me and realized what was important.

At 40 its typical that the kids are getting older, you are re-evaluating your life and changing. not to mention the weight loss thing. Its no surprise you are questioning everything. Perhaps now is the time to take the time out to go out to dinner alone without kids, and have a good old talk about whats going on and how you feel. Perhaps hes feeling similar? Perhaps theres something to be saved or something you can do to renew the friendship and relationship.
 
seen on another thread ...
ABBAgirl said:
Wow, you have really been on an emo roller coaster this past while. My heart goes out to you, as I feel that I am in a similar (though reversed) situation.

In my case, my husband is the 'puter geek. He is addicted to WoW, depressed, no interest in doing anything. No dreams, aspirations. Very little attention to me or our precious daughters.

I have gone to (and am still going to) counseling, read myriad books, tried various ways to change myself, and even various different ways to view marriage. None of it has worked so far. My religious views have thus far kept me from walking, as well as the fact that I don't want to deprive my kids of their Dad - even though he is not doing a great job of parenting.

So I feel that I can relate, and I sure do wish you well. It helped me so much losing weight, helped my self-esteem greatly. However, now that I value myself more, I am even MORE dissatisfied in my marriage! I refuse to make some rash decision that could have dire consequences, but I do fear that I am inching closer to it.
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Ahh that would explain things. As a computer geek (hard core) there is such a thing as 'Addiction' to both computers, and the games. I would suggest you get him off it at all costs. Ban it for a month or more and watch the difference in behavior. Start with holidays away places that dont have internet or computers.
Perhaps point out that you have good right to feel jealous considering hes spending more time with the computer than yourself :)
 
I am extremely lucky. I haven't been married a year yet, but my wife is my best friend. I admit sometimes I ignore her for my workouts, or videogames or sports.... but I do my best to show that she is appreciated. I do most of the cooking because I don't want her slaving in the kitchen all the time. I do my best to keep up with the chores. We have our trials, but We have an outstanding marriage so far. I hear that the first 6 months are awesome, then the next 6 months will be the hardest of your marriage. I hope that's true because we have great communication. We fight, but our fights are usually over with quickly since we know when to take ownership of who is at fault.

I HIGHLY recommend everyone currently engaged, married, or even thinking about getting married to watch the movie "Fireproof" with your loved one. It is a religious movie, but it is so inspiring and deep.

"What, Gator speaking words of wisdom without sarcasm? Is that possible?"
 
Thank you both very much for your thoughtful responses. Gator, I will surely look for that movie; I think it stars Kirk Cameron? I saw it promoted on the Duggar family t.v. show.

Wishes, I did not know those personal things about you. I already admired you for the dedication you have shown to your health and your kids, so thank you very, very much for sharing with me what went on in your own life.

As for my hubby's addiction to WoW, it is much like any other addiction. When I get too sick of it, I scream and shout and threaten to leave; then he says sorry and promises to cut it off or tame it down; then he eventually gets sucked back into it. Round and round we go.

I have been going to counseling for the past year. He came a few x, then declared it to be of no use for him. He simply feels sad that I "am not as committed" to our marriage as he is.

I have asked, begged, pleaded, written notes, etc. about things like how much it would mean to me to receive flowers (or a card) on Valentine's Day or anniversary or Mother's Day. Or even on my birthday. It's like I am offering him the keys to start my engine - but he doesn't want them. So those special times of year roll by without any real acknowledgment from him, and I just feel hurt again. I know those things (cards, flowers, gifts) might seem petty and unimportant to some people, as they do to him. But to me, they are a part of my "love language." He knows this, but does not care.

I don't want to raise my kids in even greater poverty than we are currently in. I want my kids to value commitment and value marriage. I don't want to be a failure in the eyes of my family and religious community. I want to be desired by my husband and thanked for all that I do. I want to enjoy doing things together (rather than me taking the kids out to do things while he stays home on the computer).

This thread has me really laying my soul bare and being vulnerable. However, I am not sharing things in here that I have not already discussed with him. I do not want to disrespect him in such a way.

I welcome thoughts and advice from anyone who is currently married or has been in a longterm relationship, whether they are still in it or not.

Many thanks,
ABBA
 
Wow, I didn't realize guys can be this douchey. Abba, Let me digest your posts and I will give you a reply. Definitely check the movie out.

FamilyWeese, You got a friend in me, babe. I'm shy too, but we're not so much on a message board.
 
FamilyWeese,

Your situation is tough also. It's hard to believe that anyone could treat a female like that. He really does need his priorities straightened out, but I don't know how to do that. Sometimes people just get into routines and, like he said, that's the way the cookie crumbles. Is he willing to sit down and talk to you? What about couples therapy? Maybe he just forgot about the beautiful wife he married and the gorgeous daughters he has. I'm lucky that my wife allows me videogame time. I don't abuse it, I'll play maybe... MAYBE twice a week. I would suggest talking to him and look into therapy. He has to be hiding something in regards to his feelings.

ABBA (which by the way I am a straight guy and LOVE Abba),

I would also suggest that after you and your husband watch Fireproof... put him on a love challenge. Let him know how you feel and you are making one last attempt to mend your marriage. It's not fair for your kids or you to be put through this. He has to choose between you and WoW (not necessarily giving it up for good).
 
Hi Familyweese
I am very, very sorry for the hurt you are feeling. Your situation seems much more cut and dried to me, because I could not stay with anyone who yelled at me. My fella does not do that. He is exceedingly quiet and gentle (which is code for passive/aggressive).

Gator, yes, my husband is religious. Or he was. I don't really know where he stands now. In fact, when we met we were both somewhat "hyper-religious" and that is what drew us together. Through the years, however, I have seen him come and go with various obssessions, and now see that was simply his obsession at the time. It was much more acceptable to me than his current one, which is the WoW. other times I have just hung on and toughed it out; but I cannot compete with the WoW mistress.

In our early marriage we packed up and moved away for him to attend Bible College, and then pastored for one year. It was horrid. And he did not finish his degree, so he can't even make enough money to pay off his student loan debt, which is crushing us. I am sure that finances are also adding extra stress, as they are on most marriages these days.

Wish I could give you a hug, FW. You are certainly worth more than he is giving back to you, and I would not be overly inclined to hang on. I wonder if you did leave if he would change his tune?

ABBA
 
i am sorry for all you ladies i know its very tough especially cuz its love your talking about not just some stranger i know i have acted hard hearted at times but my woman crys and i listen if any guy reads this you need to listen to your womans cries its how she communicates, its how she really feels and even if you dont solve anything afterwards at least you were the man who let her cry and heard her out... communicate thats what needs to happen...i know i am preaching to the choir but still
 
Disciple said:
i am sorry for all you ladies i know its very tough especially cuz its love your talking about not just some stranger i know i have acted hard hearted at times but my woman crys and i listen if any guy reads this you need to listen to your womans cries its how she communicates, its how she really feels and even if you dont solve anything afterwards at least you were the man who let her cry and heard her out... communicate thats what needs to happen...i know i am preaching to the choir but still
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My wife is a softy and very emotional. She cries a lot...and I hate it every time. Family... that is so heartbreaking to hear. He really is taking advantage of you and the kind person you are. I'll send some prayers your way... I really hope everything gets better for you and your daughters. I'll ask a couple friends (who are lawyers) if there is anything you can do... i.e move into parents house and raise kids (if they are willing). I know in SC and FL... most of the time the mother wins custody.. and only in extreme circumstances will the father get the kids. Either way, you should do some research yourself... I don't know if their advice would be valid in your state (Oklahoma). It's definitely not right or fair for him to treat you and your daughters this way. Please do something about it... a friend fo mine and one of my sunday school students' mom.... her husband treated her the same way... and they got in an argument over her not bringing home any pizza... and he shot her. That's the funeral I attended a month ago. PLEASE do something so you or your daughters won't regret it later. PM me if you need anything. I can do my best to help out.
 
Thank you for that, Disciple. Your lady is very fortunate. I like your tag, "We learn from our past."

I find that as a very right-brained, tremendously outgoing person, it is very hard to communicate effectively with my very left-brained, introverted, depressed spouse. I am doing the things my counselor suggests; trying to build up more of my own life, doing things I want to do WITHOUT him, even though he is the one I want to do them with (he is not interested). Sitting on the sidelines is not an option for me anymore! Frankly, I just want more out of life...and out of a significant other.

At what point does a person cut their losses and abandon ship? Because we have kids, it is a whole different ballgame. Also, I do not dislike my spouse! I am just sad, angry, tired, and frustrated of this life with him. By now I realize that the foolish newlywed notions I had about marriage and family will never be true with him - and maybe with no one else, either.

So I can stay and raise our kids and "do what's right" and simply set aside my longing to be cherished the way I would like. That's what I have done for the past many, many years. It's not like I woke up last month (or even year) and decided things stink. They have been stinking for many years, and I have done all that I could think of to change me and our marriage. I know that trying to change him would be totally futile - and unfair. So he hasn't really changed that much through the years, other than his obsessions. I am the one who has changed. This is an interesting insight, though I am not sure how it will help me.

Thank you for your own insights and thoughts as I stumble along my journey.

ABBA
 
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ABBA,

A lot of marriages end in divorce because of unrealistic expectations. When my beautiful wife and I got married, we had the best sermon from our preacher. Imagine your favorite fairytale. Every single one of them ends in "Happily Ever After" but how do they get there? You have to remember that there will be for better times and for worse times. Marriage is a never ending journey...or even a job. Both have to want it to last and to work. How did Sleeping Beauty and her prince get to happily ever after? He slayed a dragon and rescued her, but they never tell you the work he did in keeping that marriage together.

Ask yourself "is my marriage worth saving?" if even the smallest part of you says yes, then you and hubbster need to sit down and talk about everything you told us. Again, rent that movie and make him watch it. Hold out sex until he pops the popcorn with you.
 
Break the computer down so it doesnt work. All it takes is a little water sprayed in the back then turn it on when hes not looking.

My son had a similar problem, i had to literally break the computer into pieces and hide the pieces, lock down every other computer in the house with passwords and take the power cable.
Within a week his behavior had changed substatially
 
familyweese said:
ABBA I wish I felt that it was such an easy choice and if it were someone else telling me my story I would be inclined to say the same thing. Its just hard for me. I have spent the last 6 years building this life and it is so hard for me to just walk away. I did leave about a year ago. I moved out and went to stay with friends. I got an apartment and a job and very quickly realized that I couldn't make it without help. I lost my appt. had to move in with my father. I talked to an attny about divorce and custody of my kids. I got bullshit advice from him saying I would more than likely lose custody of my kids to my husband because he could better financially support them. So I went back after 6 months. He didn't change one bit in fact now it seems to be worse since he knows now I can't do it alone. He knows he will get the kids and he uses that and throws it up in my face every time I say I am leaving. I don't know whats worse staying and living with him or leaving and losing my kids. Its a horrible situation and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. I am just trying to make the best of things and I hjust keep hoping that one day maybe my real husband will come home.
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Hmmm, somehow I missed this post. Your situation is INDEED serious, FW. I urge you to contact some kind of attorney or go somewhere for help IMMEDIATELY. I think you are living a recipe for disaster, and the sooner you get help to free yourself and kids, the better. If he did not change one bit after your 6 month absence, I highly doubt that he will. If he is lording it over you, that is scary - AND IT IS TIME TO GET OUT!!
Think on these things and take charge of your life. You are strong enough! and no one knows what the future holds.

Thinking of you,
ABBA
 
LOL Wishes - holy Moses! Glad to hear that approach worked for your son - you are one Mother who means business! My own daughters have begged me to break our PC just to get him off of it, but he would simply get another. I don't think that would solve the root problem, but it would certainly shake things up a little! Since my last big blow up about 2 wks ago, he has really not gone on it too much (when I have been around). However, I know when I am at work in the evenings that he neglects our daughters in order to spend time on it. That has been a BIG issue.

I am no longer 100% certain that our situation is worth saving. It would only be worth it if substantial changes would take place - and yes, these would mainly be on his part. So I just don't know. All of you have certainly given me some things to think about, and I thank you for it.

ABBA
 
What hard situations. I don't feel that I am a good one to give advice but both as a divorced parent and a kid of divorce I worry about the kids. I had an awful experience with my parents and my son has a deadbeat dad who he loves very much. It is hard for me because there are holidays that I don't get to see him because his dad suddenly realizes he wants to see him and it's his right and it's hard to have a torn family. Just take care of the kiddos and try not to be bitter in front of them. It's hard but it can hurt kiddos!!
As to the custody issue brought up... I am not sure what state you live in but it takes a lot for a court to award sole custody to a parent. That is what child support is for. He will be needing to support you in some monetary way which will help you get on your feet. Find yourself a good lawyer... you will need it but I can't see you losing custody of your kids unless you beat them or are a drug user/alcoholic!!
As for financials as you all seem to be a church going group... or at least familiar with church lol... I would like to rave about Dave Ramsey! You can go to daveramsey.com or totalmoneymakeover.com to check him out. He also has a book. My husband and I listen to his podcasts and are on his plan and it's amazing!! He is no nonsense about paying off debt and getting healthy financially. He also has a Christian background which I like. It's worth checking out but he advocates doing it together so hubby would need to be onboard eventually. He is also on the Fox Business channel if you get that.
ABBA just thinking about how you are changing your life and becoming more dynamic and losing weight and looking for fulfillment and maybe he feels left behind and stressed that things are changing and not sure how to adapt to them so he struggles to maintain his "norm". You are certainly in a place where doing things that are good for you are at the front of your mind. Hopefully you guys can talk and find a place that you can go together and he can meet you half way... but it might take some time! Sounds like you are doing a lot already but wondering where his head might be watching his wife blossom?
Good luck to both of you!
 
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