Jokes,funnies,whatever. post em

tonymcclellan

tonymcclellan

2
Jokes

I got a lot of funny jokes in my email, so I want to share them. If you have anything funny here is where to put it. Nothing corny please.


>Little Johnny is delivering newspapers. He knocks on a
>door, a lady answers, and he says, "Collect... that'll
>be five dollars."
>
>She says, "I'm a little short on cash, but if you want,
>I'll give you sex instead."
>
>Johnny says, "All right."
>
>He walks in, she undoes his pants, pulls them down, and
>there's the biggest dick she's ever seen...
>
>Johnny reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful
>of huge washers, and starts sliding them onto his dick.
>
>She says, "You don't have to do that...I can take all
>of it."
>
>He says, "Not for five bucks you can't."
 
Last edited:
>> LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH
>>
>>Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to
>>learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
>>multi-syllable word?"
>>
>>TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."
>>
>>Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."
>>
>>Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow job."
>>
>>
>> LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
>>
>>Little TONY was sitting in class one day.
>>All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
>>He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
>>
>>The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in
>>this situation.
>>The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word
>>'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
>>
>>Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you
>>had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"
>>
>>
>>LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
>>
>>One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of
>>hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence
>>twice.
>>
>>First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought
>>my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
>>
>>"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little
>>Michael.
>>
>>"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
>>
>>She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on
>>little TONY.
>>
>>"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
>>pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just ****ing beautiful!'"
>>
>> LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER
>>
>>Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
>>another.
>>After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know
>>eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your
>>teeth, and make you fat."
>>
>>Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
>>
>>The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
>>Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own ****ing business.
 
A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that a rather hot
>>blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled "hello" to him. He
>>is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and
>>although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he
>>says "Sorry, do you know me?"
>>
>>She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of
>>one of my children."
>>
>>His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful.
>>"Holy crap," he says, "are you that stripper from my bachelor party that
>>I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your
>>girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my
>>behind?"
>>
>>"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher."
 
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman,"
> said Tommy.

> The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?"
>
>Yes, Father, it is."
>
>"And, who was the woman you were with?"
>
>"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
>
>"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell
>me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
>
>"I cannot say."
>
>"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
>
>"I'll never tell."
>
> "Was it Lizzy Shannon?"
>
>"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."
>
>"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
>
>"My lips are sealed."
>
>"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
>
>"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
>
>The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
>O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone.
>You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."
>
>Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,
>"What'd you get?"
>
>"Three month's vacation and five good leads"
 
A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.
''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''
The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''
''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''
 
Affairs

>>>The 1st Affair

>>>>A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they
>>>>went to
>>>>her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and
>>>>woke
>>>>up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his
>>>>shoes
>>>>outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and
>>>>drove home.
>>>>"Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he
>>>>replied,
>>>>"I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." She
>>>>looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been
>>>>playing
>>>>golf!" ------------------------

The 2nd Affair
>>>>
>>>>A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked
>>>>about
>>>>having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always
>>>>wanted.
>>>>The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful
>>>>father
>>>>rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the
>>>>ugliest child
>>>>he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father
>>>>of
>>>>this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you
>>>>been
>>>>fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
"Not this time!" ---------------------------------------------------

>>>>The 3rd Affair
>>>>
>>>>A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr.
>>>>Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
>>>>Schwartz had the
>>>>largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the
>>>>mortician
>>>>commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive
>>>>private
>>>>part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it
>>>>into his
>>>>briefcase, and took it home "I have something to show you won't
>>>>believe," he
>>>>said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed,
>>>>Schwartz is dead!" -------

>>>>The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She
>>>>rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said," pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the
>>>>husband
>>>>inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied," the
>>>>Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us too. No more was
>>>>said, not
>>>>even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody
>>>>offered me a
>>>>damned thing." -----------------------------

>>>>The 5th Affair
>>>>A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
>>>>"Certainly,
>>>>Sir, that'll be one cent."
>>>>"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
>>>>He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied.
>>>>A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied: "The same thing
I'm doing to his business down here."
 
The Headache

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
Person.

He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... A new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... Size 44
Long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and
The salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... Size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18
Years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
 
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
>>> > > Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled
>>>inside.The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart
forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared
at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my ownfuneral...I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist left.
 
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the
congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the
preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.

There was much yelling and bickering about how much the minister's
additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift
from God," he said.
Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said,

"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear
rubbers."

And the congregation said, "Amen!"
 
Man of the House

>The husband had just finished reading the book,
> 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'.
> >He Stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up
> to his wife.
> >Pointing A finger in her face, he said, "From now
> on, I want you to
> >know that I Am The man of this house, and my word
> is law! I want you to
> >prepare me Gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm
> finished eating my meal,
> >expect a Sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after
> dinner, you are going
> >to draw Me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm
> finished with my bath,
> >guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
> >
> >His wife replied, "The f**king Funeral director
> would be my guess."
 
Here's one to go with that joke Tony..

I'll go ahead and take that down now.. lol before anyone else get's the wrong idea
 
Last edited:
Angelkae said:
LOL... you are such a pig, Mreik....
Click to expand...
HaHa.. Just a joke though, I don't want anyone thinking I'm a chauvinist or something, I can laugh at men jokes all the same.
 
mreik said:
HaHa.. Just a joke though, I don't want anyone thinking I'm a chauvinist or something, I can laugh at men jokes all the same.
Click to expand...

I know, just teasing our newest moderator....

Don't ban me! :D :D :D
 
This is a funny video.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top