Wonderful! What kind of art do you do?
That's so great you've figured out how to work with your cycles. I have a good friend who has bipolar and the depressive times sound so terribly hard.
Jay
- Thread starter JayFS
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JayFS
Member
October 20, 2022
222.8 lbs. Down and down it goes.
As I continue to participate in this journaling, I am realizing some things about myself.
First of all, I ate chips last night. I had one serving and a serving of nacho cheese (don't worry, they're leftovers from a party from a week ago. It's not a staple in this household). I find that when it comes to my trigger foods, my body reacts so fast to it that sometimes I don't have time to even think about what I'm doing. Before I knew it, I saw the bag, the bag was opened, cheese was pulled out of the fridge, and I was eating nachos and cheese. I was also hiding behind the wall so my partner couldn't see. I also ate half a cookie.
There's definitely something wrong with this picture.
When I was doing Noom for a good month, I believe they called this "fog eating", where I just eat and I'm not even thinking about it. Honestly, I'm not very sure why I ate the foods that I did. I remember adding hot sauce to my planned dinner last night, thought it was too spicy, and I jump straight for the nachos and cheese. I didn't need to eat it, but I felt like I had an excuse. My brain tries to trick me sometimes.
Good thing is that I did have a little bit of a calorie gap, so I didn't go too much over my limit, but I'll need to be more careful. My partner is also leaving for a week, so I'm afraid of all the "bad diet stuff" I can do when no one is looking. Solution? Just don't have junk food in the dang house!
Breakfast:
- Honey bunches of oats cereal: 160 calories
- 1 scoop protein powder: 80 calories
- 1 cup oatmilk: 90 calories
- Total: 330 calories
Lunch:
- Turkey sandwich: 300 calories
- Fruits: 50 calories
- Total: 350 calories
Dinner: I don't know
Total:
Limit: 1930 Calories
Reflection:
- 9:36AM: in the midst of my depression, I didn't get to think about dinner. I'm going to have about 1300 calories left, so I just need to make sure what I eat is around that. Maybe I will do take out today and keep it at 1300 calories. The boyfriend is leaving to San Diego today, so I might just do dinner with him. Any ideas on some healthy options for 1300 calories?
222.8 lbs. Down and down it goes.
As I continue to participate in this journaling, I am realizing some things about myself.
First of all, I ate chips last night. I had one serving and a serving of nacho cheese (don't worry, they're leftovers from a party from a week ago. It's not a staple in this household). I find that when it comes to my trigger foods, my body reacts so fast to it that sometimes I don't have time to even think about what I'm doing. Before I knew it, I saw the bag, the bag was opened, cheese was pulled out of the fridge, and I was eating nachos and cheese. I was also hiding behind the wall so my partner couldn't see. I also ate half a cookie.
There's definitely something wrong with this picture.
When I was doing Noom for a good month, I believe they called this "fog eating", where I just eat and I'm not even thinking about it. Honestly, I'm not very sure why I ate the foods that I did. I remember adding hot sauce to my planned dinner last night, thought it was too spicy, and I jump straight for the nachos and cheese. I didn't need to eat it, but I felt like I had an excuse. My brain tries to trick me sometimes.
Good thing is that I did have a little bit of a calorie gap, so I didn't go too much over my limit, but I'll need to be more careful. My partner is also leaving for a week, so I'm afraid of all the "bad diet stuff" I can do when no one is looking. Solution? Just don't have junk food in the dang house!
Breakfast:
- Honey bunches of oats cereal: 160 calories
- 1 scoop protein powder: 80 calories
- 1 cup oatmilk: 90 calories
- Total: 330 calories
Lunch:
- Turkey sandwich: 300 calories
- Fruits: 50 calories
- Total: 350 calories
Dinner: I don't know
Total:
Limit: 1930 Calories
Reflection:
- 9:36AM: in the midst of my depression, I didn't get to think about dinner. I'm going to have about 1300 calories left, so I just need to make sure what I eat is around that. Maybe I will do take out today and keep it at 1300 calories. The boyfriend is leaving to San Diego today, so I might just do dinner with him. Any ideas on some healthy options for 1300 calories?
JayFS
Member
I'm almost 100% certain my dad has BPD and I inherited it from him, and he still is in denial about it. I wonder how my mom hasn't lost all her hair yet.
I'll try not to go too far under. I remember I drastically went under calories when I was younger, and I practically lost all of my muscle!
JayFS
Member
Thank you, Jay. Your compliment had me a bit teary. We came close to losing our younger son a couple of times. I'm really proud of him. I'm proud of them both but just don't have as strong a connection to our older son.
Good for you! Your meal plan sounds excellent & leaving room to change it up according to what you feel your body needs that day is a good idea so you don't feel deprived. You're getting into the groove
BPD is tough. I daresay it's almost like possession, and your personality does change drastically. I feel like I'm a different person all the time, but after years of living like these, I've been able to identify "Happy and content Jay", "Depressed and deflated Jay", "Depressed and Irritated Jay", "Hypomanic and Reckless Jay", "depressed and antisocial don't-talk-to-me Jay", "Hypomanic and idealistic Jay," etc etc. and I'm able to warn my friends, family, and my partner when I am those personalities, so they know what to do with me.
Recently, my mania was pretty bad, and my partner had to take over driving duties for a week because I was being so reckless with driving! but the goal is not to cure me, but to stabilize me and learn how to live with my own strengths.
When I'm hypomanic, I have TONS of energy and ideas and I can utilize that energy to excel at work projects. I hardly need sleep, I'm very hyper and task oriented, overly positive, inspiring, People love it when I'm hypomanic.
When I'm depressed, I am more calm and solemn, but reflective and appreciative. I am also very artistic during this time.
So it's just all about learning about yourself! BPD doesn't have to be a sickness. It can be a superpower, too.
JayFS
Member
I'll show you my art! They're weird, but they convey emotions that I cannot put into words.
Title: "We all fall in eventually." (depressed irritated)
Title: "Shatter our beautiful foundation." (manic reckless)
Title: "Make it stop." (depressed deflated)
Title: "Turning off is not an option." (depressed deflated)
Title: "9 to 5." (stable)
Title: "Don't let go." (depressed suicidal)
How wonderful that you can express yourself in art like that!
Does your boyfriend eat mostly healthy food or do you have to have "dangerous" treats around because he likes to eat them? My brain likes to trick me sometimes, too, and it can take a lot of concentration to pop up out of the fog it creates to distract me.
Does your boyfriend eat mostly healthy food or do you have to have "dangerous" treats around because he likes to eat them? My brain likes to trick me sometimes, too, and it can take a lot of concentration to pop up out of the fog it creates to distract me.
Cate
Long term member
Your art is wonderful, Jay.
Now that he is on a low-dose medication he is thoughtful all of the time, caring, reflective, aware, loving, still very creative & fun to be with. His artistic talents come out in his cooking, his love of plants & his ability to transform a room into a wonderful living space filled with plants.
Our son has always had lots of friends who loved him. They really loved him, but they also really worried about him & kept an eye on him. We used to get calls from quite a few of them when they were especially worried & we would visit & sometimes bring him home for a while to recover. His friends became our friends too. They tried not to worry us too much, but I'll always be grateful to them.
I won't keep on about BP & medication as I'm sure you don't want to be nagged about it & this is your diary. I hope that if you ever feel that your BP is spiralling out of control that you do seek help. Our son has not lost any of the beautiful characteristics that make him so loveable.
Reading this takes me back to places & moments when we couldn't communicate with our son at all as he was so high. We feared that he would do something so reckless that he would accidentally kill himself. He came close a few times.
When he was very depressed he hid from everyone. We feared for his life even more.
Now that he is on a low-dose medication he is thoughtful all of the time, caring, reflective, aware, loving, still very creative & fun to be with. His artistic talents come out in his cooking, his love of plants & his ability to transform a room into a wonderful living space filled with plants.
I think that is how he used to see it too. I think he was about your age when he was diagnosed.
Our son has always had lots of friends who loved him. They really loved him, but they also really worried about him & kept an eye on him. We used to get calls from quite a few of them when they were especially worried & we would visit & sometimes bring him home for a while to recover. His friends became our friends too. They tried not to worry us too much, but I'll always be grateful to them.
I won't keep on about BP & medication as I'm sure you don't want to be nagged about it & this is your diary. I hope that if you ever feel that your BP is spiralling out of control that you do seek help. Our son has not lost any of the beautiful characteristics that make him so loveable.
JayFS
Member
Thank you for your concern! It depends also because BPD can be so destructive if you don't actually know what's going on. I have a therapist I see every week and I'm under control of my BPD (it's also only type 2, not type 1). I've had to make a ton of life changes to accommodate my condition and it's helped a lot. It sounds like with your son, his BPD probably was much more severe than mine is, so it would be insensitive of me to call it a super power when it's not for a lot of people. I apologize for the blanket statement!
Thanks for sharing your art Jay--it is wonderful and yes, such a good way to process feelings and be present/caring to yourself.
Good luck with the challenge of being alone for the week. Sounds good to not have junk food around. Maybe plan some nice things that feed your soul while he is away as well? So being alone starts to become a positive as well?
Good luck with the challenge of being alone for the week. Sounds good to not have junk food around. Maybe plan some nice things that feed your soul while he is away as well? So being alone starts to become a positive as well?
JayFS
Member
October 21, 2022
Oh gosh. I was dreading writing this journal entry. But I had a huge diet blunder yesterday.
So my partner, Allen, left for California for the week. He won't be returning until Wednesday day. Y'all, my abandonment issues crept up like an overflowing pot cooking pasta. I felt so lonely. It was actually quite painful. And before I knew it, I was digging into food at home before my brain can even process the word "stop".
I am going to stay accountable and document what I ate in the previous journal entry (if I can even remember. It just felt like a blur). I am seeing my cousin tonight for dinner, so the loneliness won't be so bad, and I'm hoping when I get home I can manage my symptoms. I'm also going to play some games do distract myself. I guess I can also sit in my loneliness and go through the motions of the pain... perhaps that will be the best long-term solution. I should be comfortable being by myself.
Tomorrow I won't have too much to do. I'm thinking I'll make a trip to Chinatown and get some groceries so I can make meal prep for next week.
Let's think about our long-term goals and some interventions: My knees, my knees, my knees. Don't forget about my knees. Lighter = less knee pain, and you can go running and be more mobile, just like you've always wanted. Let's prevent a diet blunder tonight by: participating more in art, focusing on having fun with my cousin, planning a nice and healthy dinner out (or at least look at the menu before going to a restaurant). Thankfully, all the nacho cheese is gone so I don't have to worry about that.
Breakfast:
- Pizza rolls: 210 calories
- Hot pocket: 320 calories
- Watermelon juice: 60 calories
- Total: 590 calories
Lunch:
- Turkey sandwich: 300 calories
- Fruits: 50 calories
- Total: 350 calories
Dinner: no idea yet! My cousin says her teeth hurts and so she wants to eat "soft foods". I can't quite think of any restaurants with soft foods... any ideas?
Reflection:
- 11:51AM: *takes a deep breath* Don't get too hard on yourself. You're going through a lot! Just get yourself back up on track and you'll do just fine. I love you.
Oh gosh. I was dreading writing this journal entry. But I had a huge diet blunder yesterday.
So my partner, Allen, left for California for the week. He won't be returning until Wednesday day. Y'all, my abandonment issues crept up like an overflowing pot cooking pasta. I felt so lonely. It was actually quite painful. And before I knew it, I was digging into food at home before my brain can even process the word "stop".
I am going to stay accountable and document what I ate in the previous journal entry (if I can even remember. It just felt like a blur). I am seeing my cousin tonight for dinner, so the loneliness won't be so bad, and I'm hoping when I get home I can manage my symptoms. I'm also going to play some games do distract myself. I guess I can also sit in my loneliness and go through the motions of the pain... perhaps that will be the best long-term solution. I should be comfortable being by myself.
Tomorrow I won't have too much to do. I'm thinking I'll make a trip to Chinatown and get some groceries so I can make meal prep for next week.
Let's think about our long-term goals and some interventions: My knees, my knees, my knees. Don't forget about my knees. Lighter = less knee pain, and you can go running and be more mobile, just like you've always wanted. Let's prevent a diet blunder tonight by: participating more in art, focusing on having fun with my cousin, planning a nice and healthy dinner out (or at least look at the menu before going to a restaurant). Thankfully, all the nacho cheese is gone so I don't have to worry about that.
Breakfast:
- Pizza rolls: 210 calories
- Hot pocket: 320 calories
- Watermelon juice: 60 calories
- Total: 590 calories
Lunch:
- Turkey sandwich: 300 calories
- Fruits: 50 calories
- Total: 350 calories
Dinner: no idea yet! My cousin says her teeth hurts and so she wants to eat "soft foods". I can't quite think of any restaurants with soft foods... any ideas?
Reflection:
- 11:51AM: *takes a deep breath* Don't get too hard on yourself. You're going through a lot! Just get yourself back up on track and you'll do just fine. I love you.
Sorry to hear you're hurting while your partner is away. I'm a huge introvert so please excuse if this is a dumb question but what about being alone if painful for you? Is it boring? Does your brain go places you don't want it to go? Do you feel unloved?
I hope dinner with your cousin will cheer you up. Pasta would be quite soft, maybe?
I hope dinner with your cousin will cheer you up. Pasta would be quite soft, maybe?
Cate
Long term member
I get lonely whenever G goes away too, even after all of these years together (maybe especially after all of these years together). I encouraged him to start going on golfing trips with his buddies as he had a cancer scare & I thought it would do him good. He rang me every day & was laughing so much telling me their silly stories that I told him when he got back home that he had to go every year. I just learned to get used to being on my own for a week each year. We have been together since I was only 18 & had rarely spent a night apart since. I don't let him know how lonely I can get while he's away.
Are there things you would like to do that you may feel silly doing when he's there? I listen to music & dance around the house. I read a lot! Try cooking some new things & freezing them.
I'm in Australia so it's always the next day when I read your posts so I'm probably too late with any dinner suggestions. (Currently, it's 8.45 am.) Hope you had a nice evening with your cousin
Are there things you would like to do that you may feel silly doing when he's there? I listen to music & dance around the house. I read a lot! Try cooking some new things & freezing them.
I'm in Australia so it's always the next day when I read your posts so I'm probably too late with any dinner suggestions. (Currently, it's 8.45 am.) Hope you had a nice evening with your cousin
JayFS
Member
It's just painful. Almost like the feeling of rejection. Physically, I get butterflies and I feel cold. Emotionally, I'm solemn, empty, anxious, always like I want to cry.
My friend bailed on me yesterday, so I was all on my own.I get lonely whenever G goes away too, even after all of these years together (maybe especially after all of these years together). I encouraged him to start going on golfing trips with his buddies as he had a cancer scare & I thought it would do him good. He rang me every day & was laughing so much telling me their silly stories that I told him when he got back home that he had to go every year. I just learned to get used to being on my own for a week each year. We have been together since I was only 18 & had rarely spent a night apart since. I don't let him know how lonely I can get while he's away.
Are there things you would like to do that you may feel silly doing when he's there? I listen to music & dance around the house. I read a lot! Try cooking some new things & freezing them.
I'm in Australia so it's always the next day when I read your posts so I'm probably too late with any dinner suggestions. (Currently, it's 8.45 am.) Hope you had a nice evening with your cousin
Actually, after the initial sadness, being alone wasn't half bad. I realized that I was on the "on" mode for so long, that I forgotten what it feels like to just turn "off" and do what I want. I actually like that I have my own time.
That being said, that doesn't mean the loneliness wasn't there. I think it just wasn't as bad... although my diet may say otherwise. Eep
JayFS
Member
October 23, 2022
Hello everyone. I disappeared yesterday. Oops.
So..I just needed a break. A break from thinking about weight loss, a break from work, a break from people, a break from thinking logically. I just needed to turn off. And with my partner being gone, me being in the depths of depression, it was difficult to just wake up and function, let alone have to think about getting up and exercising.
That being said, Saturday was a pretty good day, all things considered. I didn't eat the best food (lots of freezer stuff), but I cooked myself a healthy meal of fish and rice for dinner. I sat on the couch and watched a drama marathon for basically 12 hours. I did get up and try to walk in place while watching TV, so I got at least something in.
There is something that I'm thinking, perhaps when I'm in my up mood/stable mood, I need to cut down on calories. I feel like when I'm depressed, I don't really care. I don't exactly overeat but I don't care to do much of anything, including exercise. So I'm thinking if I cut down an extra 200 calories for my good days, it will all balance out in the end? Even if I overeat by 1000 calories for ONE day, it off sets like 5 days worth of effort with my current model, and that just plain sucks.
So I'm thinking instead of 1930 calories, I'll drop it down to 1730. That way I have some wiggle room just in case I mess up.
My calorie counting will start tomorrow. I'm going to work out today, lean toward healthy. I'm seeing my family today and we are going to a buffet (wasn't my decision, I promise), so I don't expect to be an angel, but I'm going to go all out on the sashimi and proteins and vegetables as much as possible, but I don't think it's good for my mental health to try to calculate everything when I'm just trying to enjoy my family's company.
Thank you for being on this journey with me. See you tomorrow!
Hello everyone. I disappeared yesterday. Oops.
So..I just needed a break. A break from thinking about weight loss, a break from work, a break from people, a break from thinking logically. I just needed to turn off. And with my partner being gone, me being in the depths of depression, it was difficult to just wake up and function, let alone have to think about getting up and exercising.
That being said, Saturday was a pretty good day, all things considered. I didn't eat the best food (lots of freezer stuff), but I cooked myself a healthy meal of fish and rice for dinner. I sat on the couch and watched a drama marathon for basically 12 hours. I did get up and try to walk in place while watching TV, so I got at least something in.
There is something that I'm thinking, perhaps when I'm in my up mood/stable mood, I need to cut down on calories. I feel like when I'm depressed, I don't really care. I don't exactly overeat but I don't care to do much of anything, including exercise. So I'm thinking if I cut down an extra 200 calories for my good days, it will all balance out in the end? Even if I overeat by 1000 calories for ONE day, it off sets like 5 days worth of effort with my current model, and that just plain sucks.
So I'm thinking instead of 1930 calories, I'll drop it down to 1730. That way I have some wiggle room just in case I mess up.
My calorie counting will start tomorrow. I'm going to work out today, lean toward healthy. I'm seeing my family today and we are going to a buffet (wasn't my decision, I promise), so I don't expect to be an angel, but I'm going to go all out on the sashimi and proteins and vegetables as much as possible, but I don't think it's good for my mental health to try to calculate everything when I'm just trying to enjoy my family's company.
Thank you for being on this journey with me. See you tomorrow!
Finding a positive among the negatives when you're already depressed is a real sign of mental strength.
Sounds good to me. If these buffet meals are the exeption for you having a good time with your family and stopping short of a binge is plenty good enough.
JayFS
Member
October 25, 2022
I got super sick yesterday. Sometimes, I get these debilitating migraines with migraine auras. I couldn't see through my left field of vision for a good 2 hours, then it transformed into a massive migraine that took me out of commission. That being said, thinking about staring at a laptop to create a diary entry made me feel nauseous in of itself, but at least I didn't eat terribly yesterday!
Breakfast:
- Doenjang jjigae (korean soup): 300 calories
- Rice: 200 calories
- Grande Caramel Macchiato with oat milk: 240 calories
- Total: 740 calories
Lunch:
- Turkey sandwich: 300 calories
- Fruits: 50 calories
- Total: 350 calories
Dinner:
- Chicken salad:
- Dooenjang jjigae: 300 calories
- Rice: 200 calories
Total:
Limit: 1730 calories
Reflection:
- 1:28PM: You know, I'm getting very sick of eating only turkey sandwiches and tuna sandwiches! I need to change it up. Or maybe, I shouldn't? simplicity is a good thing, right? The calories are predictable and if I was truly hungry, I would eat no matter what I could get my hands on. I also needed some caffeine today (couldn't sleep), and black tea wouldn't have been enough. I'm thinking in the future to save both time, money, and calories, to just drink some black coffee at work.
I got super sick yesterday. Sometimes, I get these debilitating migraines with migraine auras. I couldn't see through my left field of vision for a good 2 hours, then it transformed into a massive migraine that took me out of commission. That being said, thinking about staring at a laptop to create a diary entry made me feel nauseous in of itself, but at least I didn't eat terribly yesterday!
Breakfast:
- Doenjang jjigae (korean soup): 300 calories
- Rice: 200 calories
- Grande Caramel Macchiato with oat milk: 240 calories
- Total: 740 calories
Lunch:
- Turkey sandwich: 300 calories
- Fruits: 50 calories
- Total: 350 calories
Dinner:
- Chicken salad:
- Dooenjang jjigae: 300 calories
- Rice: 200 calories
Total:
Limit: 1730 calories
Reflection:
- 1:28PM: You know, I'm getting very sick of eating only turkey sandwiches and tuna sandwiches! I need to change it up. Or maybe, I shouldn't? simplicity is a good thing, right? The calories are predictable and if I was truly hungry, I would eat no matter what I could get my hands on. I also needed some caffeine today (couldn't sleep), and black tea wouldn't have been enough. I'm thinking in the future to save both time, money, and calories, to just drink some black coffee at work.
Cate
Long term member
I'm very grateful that I don't get migraines. They sound horrible & I know how much G suffered when he used to get them. When you feel the next one coming on try drinking the juice of one lemon (straight). It used to work for him. We doubted it would work, but it did.
I only drink black coffee in the morning. I made myself get used to it about 25 years ago & I love it.
Are the sandwiches during your work break? Is there a limited choice?
I only drink black coffee in the morning. I made myself get used to it about 25 years ago & I love it.
Are the sandwiches during your work break? Is there a limited choice?
Eating boring food when you enjoy variety (not everyone does, apparently) can put you at risk of binging but if that's not how your brain works there's nothing wrong with having the same 2 sandwiches for every lunch. Maybe you could add some veggies from home for variety? I'm not a coffee drinker but 240 calories for a drink sounds like a lot unless it's a satisfying snack.