Jay

[JayFS]

October 16, 2022

Hey Everyone! My name is Jay. I was here several years ago when I was only 20 I went from 215 lbs all the way down to 160 lbs (hurray!). Over the span of 8 years and after fully immersing myself in my ever-so-stressful nursing career, I am regretful to say that I am now 223 lbs. That's not to say I haven't gained muscle along the way - my body composition is a lot better than it used to be before, but I'm definitely still too heavy for my liking.

But we are not going to dwell on the regrets. I have been through a ton of personal growth, and I am still a very active person. I am 29 now, and a few months until I hit 30 in March 2023. Knowing that my 30s are around the corner is, honestly, quite frightening to me. I know how health starts to decline in your 30s if you don't take care of yourself, so in the mindset of prevention, I am creating this journal to keep me accountable, active, mindful, and anchored.

Now some intro answers!

-- How much weight do you want to lose?
73 lbs! I want to be 150 lbs.
-- What is the timeframe for reaching your target weight?
1.5 years. That's about 4 lbs a month, which I think is a great pace.
-- How do you want to accomplish your goal (what methods do you want to use)?
Keeping this diary updated at least once a day. I have a YouTube vlog that I am creating and posting. Waking up at the same time every day. I purchased a 2L water bottle to keep myself hydrated and full. Meal planning every Sunday. I have some accountability partners that will help me be successful.
-- Who or what can support you in reaching your goal?
My partner, and one of my good friends. I'm trying to see if anyone else wants to jump in on the journey, but those are my two support groups.
-- How realistic is your goal?
Very realistic, I hope!
-- When will you start?
Today!

1. What is your current height and weight? 223 lbs, 5'8"
2. If you were at an ideal weight now, what would that weight be? 150 lbs
3. At what weight would you like to be at four months from now? Ideally, 199 lbs. But I am okay with 205-206 lbs
4. Why do you want to lose weight? Can I be honest? I want someone to look at me and go, "Wow, that guy takes care of himself." I want to look like that and I want to know that about myself. I would feel proud if I took care of the temple that is my body.
5. Do you want to lose weight for a specific life event such as wedding or reunion? If so, when is that event? I'm turning 30!
6. What obstacles could get between you and your weight loss goals? Late nights are dangerous times. Chips and noodles are my downfall.
7. Why do you think that you now have a weight problem? Depression, self-image issues, and poor eating habits since I was a young child. My parents taught me to use food as a coping mechanism, and I'm doing everything in my power to be present, and not go back to bad habits.
8. What lifestyle changes do you think would help you lose weight? I would need to find a better coping mechanism. I have to admit that while writing this, I don't really have a reliable stress mechanism. I eat mostly when I feel lonely, or if I hate the way I look. I am learning to be less reliant on my partner for emotional support (I'm actually home alone and he's seeing a friend as we speak!). I feel like if I can learn how to be alone, I won't rely on food for comfort. I also need to wake up at the same time every day, and continue cooking my meals and meal planning every Sunday.
9. Have you lost weight in the past? If so, what has worked in the past to help you lose weight? Yes, I went from 215 lbs to 160 lbs at one point. I was exercising very regularly, counting calories, meal planning. I remember I had a trail in my back yard that I would run consistently, and I had a gym membership. I also had an online journal. I am hoping to emulate all of these things to get back on track.
10. Why do you believe that you did not lose weight or you gained the weight back? Honestly, I just gave up and started to go back to bad habits. Keeping track of your calories, fighting bad habits, and exercising is very difficult. Social relationships got in the way, and I was using my physical body to try to fix emotional problems, which proved to be unsuccessful. Right now, my emotions are much more controlled, so I am now ready to heal my physical body.
11. What, if anything, has not worked for you in the past in helping you to lose weight? Why do you think it did not work? I did keto, but it proved to be too difficult and harmful for me. I was getting heart palpitations at night.
12. Would you try writing down all food and drink consumed for a given period of time? Absolutely! I plan to do that from now on.
13. Do you cook at home often? If so, what do you cook? Yes, I cook many, many things. Meats, veggies, mostly Asian foods.
14. How often do you go out to eat? Where do you go? About 2-3 times a week. Yikes
15. What are your three favorite foods? Oh gosh, pasta, ramen, and chips.
16. What are your three favorite restaurants? I don't have any that come to mind. I just like to try them all.
17. What are three things you can do differently when it comes to food? Counting the food that I eat, incorporating veggies every meal, and not using food as a coping mechanism.
18. If you woke up tomorrow and your body was exactly the way you want it, what would be different? I feel like I would have more pep in my step. I would have more energy, be able to move my body better, not be groaning every time I get off of a chair. I feel like my knees would be happy, my clothes would fit, and my confidence would soar.
19. Do you eat when you are not hungry? All the time! I just did it last night. The reason: I was lonely! Loneliness is a definite trigger of mine.
20. Do you binge eat (large amounts at a time)? Sometimes, although not as bad as of late. The most binging I would ever do is eat two packs of ramen in a sitting.
21. Do you hide your food or eat in secret? Oh I absolutely do. My partner would be in the other room and I would sneakily go into the kitchen and eat chips.
22. Do you eat when you are sad, nervous, or depressed? Depressed, specifically when I'm lonely or hate the way I look.
23. Do you eat as a reward? YES. I don't want to use food as a reward anymore.
24. Do you eat while watching TV or using the computer? I usually do when I'm eating small foods. Like right now, I'm fueling up for my workout with an almond butter sandwich. But for big meals, I typically eat at a dining room table and try to stay present, eat slowly, really focusing on tasting the foods.
25. What do you normally eat for a meal? My work provides us food, so for lunch, I always request either a tuna sandwich or a turkey sandwich. For breakfast, it's often a protein fruit smoothie. For dinner, it varies. Examples: rice with some stir fry beef or pork, a meat pasta, salad with meat.
26. What type of snacks do you eat? I'm not a snacky person, to be honest. If I had to snack, it would be a small bag of chips.
27. In terms of exercise, what, if anything, are you currently doing? I am bouldering 2-3x a week, supplementing it with cardio or a muscle workout.
28. Where do you go for exercise? A local public gym? School/work gym? Home? There is a bouldering gym near my work. I also have a gym in my apartment, and I can do some simple cardio stuff at home.
29. What, if anything, are your three favorite types of exercise? Bouldering, walking (at a park. Walking at home or on a treadmill is boring), and hot yoga.
30. What is your daily/weekly/monthly/yearly motivation to move towards your goals? Daily motivation: to be energized so I feel more positive throughout the day. Monthly: it's exciting to see the scale go down/the inches drop off me. Yearly: to know that I am responsible, someone to look up to, a beacon of positivity, and a source of inspiration.
31. Do you have rewards for certain goals? Currently, my part is a reward. I'm trying to find a good eBook so I can listen to that whenever I'm exercising.

Food today:

Breakfast:

• Almond butter sandwich: 260 calories
• Green Tea: 0 calories

Lunch: skipped

Dinner: My friends and I went out for Brazillian BBQ!

• 8 oz of sirloin steak: 600 calories
• Serving mashed potatoes: 150 calories
• French fries: 120 calories
• Caesar salad: 200 calories
• Coke: 130 calories
• Sausage link: 60 calories
• White rice: 200 calories
• Pasta: 200 calories

Bedtime snack:

• Cookie: 170 calories
• Oat milk: 120 calories

Total: 2210 calories
Limit: 1930 calories

Reflection: I definitely went overboard with the food today, but I'm not beating myself over it because it wasn't that much of an overkill. I also did a strength workout for 30 minutes today, but I didn't calculate that in my calorie expendage. Honestly, I don't know how to do that with non-cardio workouts, so I just won't add it to today's totals.

Something to improve next time to reach calorie goals: Say no to that gross pasta. Say no to the coca cola. Eat only half a cookie.

 

[Llama]

Welcome (back) to the forum, Jay! Sounds like you know your strengths and weaknesses quite well and know what you need to do to get to where you want to be, which is excellent. 4 lbs a month should be quite doable in a healthy way.
Assuming you work nights learning to relax better could be an extra important part of your journey given that cortisol influences hunger and fat storage and shift work can greatly increase cortisol levels. But I probably don't need to tell you that: as a nurse you would have a big knowledge advantage over the average Joe.

 

[Cate]

Hi, Jay & welcome back to the forum. A lot of what you said resonates with me, especially the reasons you overeat. Now is the perfect time for you to make changes. You have the advantage of youth & what you do now will make such a difference in 20+ years' time. I think we should all try to think of our bodies as temples & treat them as such. I am going to try to show mine more respect from now on too. Eating mindfully & slowly helps, plus tracking absolutely everything you eat, even if just for a little while, I think is a good idea. 4 lbs a month is a good goal & should be sustainable in the long run. That's what I'm aiming for too.

 

[JayFS]

Welcome (back) to the forum, Jay! Sounds like you know your strengths and weaknesses quite well and know what you need to do to get to where you want to be, which is excellent. 4 lbs a month should be quite doable in a healthy way.
Assuming you work nights learning to relax better could be an extra important part of your journey given that cortisol influences hunger and fat storage and shift work can greatly increase cortisol levels. But I probably don't need to tell you that: as a nurse you would have a big knowledge advantage over the average Joe.

Thank you for the kind words! I definitely had a lot of stress with my nursing job, which no doubt increased my cortisol levels, and leading to my massive weight gain. Thankfully, I recently switched to a nurse desk job with much more manageable stress, so I think I'm ready to focus on other aspects of my life that need improvement.

 

[JayFS]

Hi, Jay & welcome back to the forum. A lot of what you said resonates with me, especially the reasons you overeat. Now is the perfect time for you to make changes. You have the advantage of youth & what you do now will make such a difference in 20+ years' time. I think we should all try to think of our bodies as temples & treat them as such. I am going to try to show mine more respect from now on too. Eating mindfully & slowly helps, plus tracking absolutely everything you eat, even if just for a little while, I think is a good idea. 4 lbs a month is a good goal & should be sustainable in the long run. That's what I'm aiming for too.

That's what I'm hoping! I know 29 is still considered young, but my body feels older than it should. I should still be able to do a lot of things I used to, like maneuver around without groaning like an old rocking chair, or jump from a height of 2 feet without feel like my knees are going to shatter when I land. I know by losing weight, I'm showing myself kindness and compassion. My goal this year is to treat myself with the utmost respect!

 

[liza3]

HI Jay
I enjoyed reading your intro and the answers to the questions. I love your positive attitude and how your goals sound nice and healthy! Looking forward to following your journey!

 

[JayFS]

HI Jay
I enjoyed reading your intro and the answers to the questions. I love your positive attitude and how your goals sound nice and healthy! Looking forward to following your journey!

Thank you!! I'm happy there is such a welcoming group here I can't wait for what the future holds.

 

[JayFS]

October 17, 2022

I have a feeling of... fatigue this morning. I slept about 8.5 hours, but I think I did not have the best quality of sleep.

I didn't put this in the intro, but one of the biggest obstacles of mine is sleep apnea. My doctor thinks I definitely have it, and sometime in the next two weeks I will be receiving a machine so I can complete a sleep study. I'm certain that I will have to wear a CPAP to bed, which is perfectly fine with me. My sleep quality has been deteriorating over the last couple of years, and no doubt due to the weight gain. I've heard how CPAPs can change a person's life and give them more energy because their sleep quality is bettered, so I can't wait for that.

Meanwhile, I will continue to do what I can control.

ALSO, CAN I JUST CELEBRATE A SMALL VICTORY? For the first time in a while, I said no to the chips! It was time for bed and me and my partner were going our separate ways to bed (we have a 2 bed apartment. We sleep in separate rooms because my snoring is so loud due to my sleep apnea). Naturally, my feeling of loneliness came over me. I reached for the bag of nacho chips, but before I opened it, I screamed "No!" in my head and threw the chips on the counter and retreated to my room. I'm proud of myself!

Somethings to improve for tonight:
- get off the phone by 10:30PM. Try: drawing and art instead, or reading a book
- make my overnight oats so I won't make a breakfast blunder again (see below for details)

Breakfast:
- McDonald's Sausage Egg McMuffin: 500 calories
- Tea: 0 calories

Lunch:
- Turkey Sandwich: 300 calories
- Assorted Fruits: 50 calories

Dinner: Last minute change of plans! Saving this Dinner for tomorrow.
- 1/2 lb ground beef: 500 calories
- 1 tbsp oil: 100 calories
- 2 large tortilla wraps: 400 calories
- 1 tbsp nacho cheese: 50 calories
- 2 tbsp sour cream: 50 calories
- 1 tostada shell: 120 calories
- 1 cup shredded lettuce: negligible
- 1/2 cup diced tomatoes: negligible

Snack:
- 1 serving Nachos: 130 calories
- 1 serving nacho cheese: 35 calories

Dinner: actual dinner tonight
- 8 pieces of Sashimi: 400 calories
- Unagi roll: 340 calories

Nighttime Snack:
- 1/2 cookie: 85 calories
- 1 cup oatmilk: 60 calories

Total: 1880 calories
Limit: 1930 calories

Reflection:
- 9:39AM: this should be a good dinner plan. My dinner is naturally heavy because I don't like eating heavy during the day time. Along with a good 30-45 minute exercise tonight, it should offset the 140 calories leftover. I tried my best to alter my dinner without destroying the integrity of it.
- Next time: no McDonald's trip (gross!). Try overnight oats tomorrow.
- 6:20PM: Turns out the boyfriend wants sushi tonight, which is a healthier (although expensive!) alternative to tonight's meal. Thankfully, after calculating everything, it will allow me to fall nicely within my calorie limit. Huzzah!

Breakfast tomorrow: Overnight oats!
- 1 cup of Oats: 120 calories
- 1 cup of oat milk: 120 calories
- 1 container of vanilla yogurt: 160 calories
- 1 scoop protein powder: 80 calories
- 1 tbsp syrup: 60 calories
TOTAL: 540 calories

 

[Llama]

Planning ahead does make a big difference. Oats don't keep me full for very long but if you like to have light meals during the day that might be a good thing.
Good on you getting tested for sleep apnea: so many men just ignore it and it can make a real difference in quality of life - not to mention the health risks that come with leaving it untreated. Hopefully your weightloss will help on that front as well and you won't need the CPAP for very long.

 

[Cate]

Just being much more aware of what you do really makes a difference. I think throwing those chips back is a big achievement! Huge kudos to you for getting yourself checked out for sleep apnea. The machine should make a lot of difference to your sleep quality, which is so important. Overnight oats will be my tomorrow's breakfast too. I often add 1/2 a banana & a drizzle of honey & it keeps me full until lunchtime. If you find it doesn't then next time add a dollop of yoghurt with some nut/seed mix on top.

 

[JayFS]

Planning ahead does make a big difference. Oats don't keep me full for very long but if you like to have light meals during the day that might be a good thing.
Good on you getting tested for sleep apnea: so many men just ignore it and it can make a real difference in quality of life - not to mention the health risks that come with leaving it untreated. Hopefully your weightloss will help on that front as well and you won't need the CPAP for very long.

Thank you! Yes, that's the plan. I hope to just have the CPAP long enough for me to lose weight. I'm sure I don't need it for the rest of my life.

 

[JayFS]

Just being much more aware of what you do really makes a difference. I think throwing those chips back is a big achievement! Huge kudos to you for getting yourself checked out for sleep apnea. The machine should make a lot of difference to your sleep quality, which is so important. Overnight oats will be my tomorrow's breakfast too. I often add 1/2 a banana & a drizzle of honey & it keeps me full until lunchtime. If you find it doesn't then next time add a dollop of yoghurt with some nut/seed mix on top.

I took your advice and added some yogurt to mine! It was delicious

 

[JayFS]

October 18, 2022
224.1 lbs (hmm, a gain. Could it be from the soy sauce from yesterday's sushi fest?)

It's my brother's birthday! I need to remember to send him a message later.

Something else to note about me - I'm Bipolar Type 2! Which means that, for me, my energy levels are never consistent and my moods can change. I just came off of a hypomanic phase, so now I'm depressed again. I can feel it - energy levels dropping, spacing out during conversations, just want to lay in bed all day, unmotivated to exercise and lose weight. It often gets worse over the span of 5 days, then I stabilize.

The good thing is that I don't tend to overeat when I'm depressed. I actually overeat when I'm manic, so I don't expect any calorie bombs to happen anytime soon.

Well, actually that's not completely true. I do get very hard about my own image when I'm depressed, and as I wrote above, self-image issues are definitely a trigger for me to overeat. But I'm going to be stronger this time because I have this trusty journal to keep me grounded!

((Can you tell I'm trying to amp myself up for success even when I don't feel like it? haha!))

Breakfast: overnight oats
- 1 cup of Oats: 120 calories
- 1 cup of oat milk: 120 calories
- 1 container of vanilla yogurt: 160 calories
- 1 scoop protein powder: 80 calories
- 1 tbsp syrup: 60 calories
- TOTAL (I'm only going to eat half of it. It's huge!): 270 calories

Lunch:
- Turkey sandwich: 300 calories
- Fruits: 50 calories
- TOTAL: 350 calories

Dinner: homemade crunch wraps
- 1/2 lb ground beef: 500 calories
- 1 tbsp oil: 100 calories
- 2 large tortilla wraps: 400 calories
- 1 tbsp nacho cheese: 50 calories
- 2 tbsp sour cream: 50 calories
- 1 tostada shell: 120 calories
- 1 cup shredded lettuce: negligible
- 1/2 cup diced tomatoes: negligible
- TOTAL: 1220 calories (I probably won't eat all of this either, but we will see)

Late night snack:
- 1/2 cookie: 85 calories
- 1 cup oat milk: 60 calories
- TOTAL: 145 calories

TOTAL: 1985 calories
LIMIT: 1930 calories

 

[liza3]

For the first time in a while, I said no to the chips! It was time for bed and me and my partner were going our separate ways to bed (we have a 2 bed apartment. We sleep in separate rooms because my snoring is so loud due to my sleep apnea). Naturally, my feeling of loneliness came over me. I reached for the bag of nacho chips, but before I opened it, I screamed "No!" in my head and threw the chips on the counter and retreated to my room. I'm proud of myself!

Awesome! So good that you know your emotional triggers (and also how having Bipolar affects you) and that you were able to resist going for your usual comfort food.
I am an emotional eater as well (usually to try and calm anxiety) so I don't think that is a small victory at all--i think it's a pretty BIG victory!

 

[Llama]

One-time scale blips don't mean much. The carbs in that sushi feast could also cause you to retain water.

Can you tell I'm trying to amp myself up for success even when I don't feel like it? haha!

Fake it till you make it

 

[Cate]

Hi, Jay. Thank you for telling us that you have BP 2. Having a son with it, I know what that means to be able to share. Acceptance was a big step for our son & his life has improved immensely since then. He's on a very low dose of lithium now which is keeping him much more even in his moods but is still wonderfully creative (he's a chef) & lots of fun. He prioritises his health over everything else now, which I am so grateful for.
Your slight weight gain will most probably be water weight from the carbs in the sushi & the salt from the soy. It will go. I'm glad you liked the yoghurt with the oats.

 

[JayFS]

Hi, Jay. Thank you for telling us that you have BP 2. Having a son with it, I know what that means to be able to share. Acceptance was a big step for our son & his life has improved immensely since then. He's on a very low dose of lithium now which is keeping him much more even in his moods but is still wonderfully creative (he's a chef) & lots of fun. He prioritises his health over everything else now, which I am so grateful for.
Your slight weight gain will most probably be water weight from the carbs in the sushi & the salt from the soy. It will go. I'm glad you liked the yoghurt with the oats.

No worries. It was hard for me to come to terms with it because there is this negative imagery with bipolar people. People think we go from 0-100, you have to walk on egg shells around us, and that we are unpredictable. Actually, that couldn't be further from the truth. I can predict my emotions very well because it's all a cycle, like how a woman can predict her period. I make sure to schedule things when I'm hypomanic, and not schedule things when I'm depressed. I go extra hard with the workouts when I'm manic, and I make sure to schedule rest time and "me" time when I'm depressed. Like your son, the key thing is being in touch with yourself and prioritizing health. I had to give up staying up late and drinking alcohol because it was triggering me like crazy. Thank you so much for your comment. You sound like an amazing parent.

One-time scale blips don't mean much. The carbs in that sushi feast could also cause you to retain water.

Fake it till you make it

Yea, that's probably what it is. I do weigh less today.

Awesome! So good that you know your emotional triggers (and also how having Bipolar affects you) and that you were able to resist going for your usual comfort food.
I am an emotional eater as well (usually to try and calm anxiety) so I don't think that is a small victory at all--i think it's a pretty BIG victory!

Thank you! I'm trying my hardest to control my emotions before they get to the point of needing to eat something. I'm trying to deep breathe, meditate. I'm currently using my late night hours to do art, and that seems to be helping a ton. Calorie-free, too

 

[JayFS]

October 19, 2022
223.0 lbs today... let's keep going!

I woke up with such a weird feeling this morning. I am up earlier than usual today because I had to go in early to catch the night shift nurses (about 2 hours earlier than usual), so I'm not surprised I feel out-of-sorts. I'm not going to allow this feeling to get in the way of my diet plans.

Breakfast:
- Oats from yesterday: 270 calories
- Total: 270 calories

Lunch:
- Turkey Sandwich: 300 calories
- Fruits: 50 calories
- Total: 350 calories

Dinner:
- Longanisa: 350 calories
- 2 eggs: 140 calories
- 1 Tbsp oil: 100 calories
- 1 cup cooked rice: 170 calories
- 1 cup spinach: negligible
- 1 cup broccoli: negligible
- 1 Tbsp caesar dressing: 80 calories
- 1 serving croutons: 120 calories
- Lots of romaine lettuce/iceberg lettuce: negligible
- Total: 960 calories

Bedtime snack:
- 1/2 cookie: 85 calories
- 1/2 cup oat milk: 60 calories
- Total: 125 calories

Total: 1705 calories
Limit: 1930 calories

Reflection:
- 8:30AM: I want to jam-pack my dinner with loads of veggies today. I have a desire for meat and rice today, so I am going to add some spinach and broccoli in my rice, and then 2 eggs for additional protein, with a side of salad to help me feel full. I am 200 calories under, which won't be a problem. That's not such an alarming deficit. I remember when I used to eat 1200 calories a day and I was around 210 lbs.

 

[Llama]

Great to hear the scale saw sense today. Sounds like you're very in touch with your needs around BP: it's probably not a statistically balanced sample but most guys I've come across who had it were 40 before they started to get on top of things so kudos to you for your self-awareness.

'm currently using my late night hours to do art, and that seems to be helping a ton.

Distraction AND the therapeutic effect of a creative outlet? Sounds great to me.

I am 200 calories under, which won't be a problem. That's not such an alarming deficit.

True as long as you're not a binger. Don't get too far under too regularly though as it might make it harder to stay on track.

 

[Cate]

Thank you so much for your comment. You sound like an amazing parent.

Thank you, Jay. Your compliment had me a bit teary. We came close to losing our younger son a couple of times. I'm really proud of him. I'm proud of them both but just don't have as strong a connection to our older son.

I'm not going to allow this feeling to get in the way of my diet plans.

Good for you! Your meal plan sounds excellent & leaving room to change it up according to what you feel your body needs that day is a good idea so you don't feel deprived. You're getting into the groove