I have/had an eating disorder -- I NEED HELP.

Paroxysm1

Paroxysm1

New member
I seriously need to lose weight.
The past couple of months, I'd been slowly working up to having an eating disorder. First I would make myself throw up a meal once every couple of weeks, and the past two weeks, it has been after almost every large meal. I'd binge-- vomit-- binge-- vomit. And I felt good. It stopped being abnormal. It just became a part of my routine.

But I am scared of becoming addicted to it. I have a highly addictive personality. And I know I won't be able to stop once I get really far into it.
I know it's not the proper way to lose weight, and it will do far more damage than good. I just don't know how to go about losing weight properly.

I am 5'3, about 240 lbs (I'm assuming-- I don't have a scale), and 16 years od age.

I am going to cut out soda entirely, except for perhaps the occasional Fresca. Other than that, I'll be drinking water only.

I need to start eating many small meals throughout the day. I'm not too sure about how many calories I should be taking in.

And I need to start exercising-- which I usually cannot stay motivated enough for. How can I stay motivated?

And what kinds of exercise should I do in the first place?
I'm thinking of walking a lot-- with intervals of jogging-- including walking / jogging up and down the stairs.
And lifting my 5 lb weights.
Doing lunges.
And sit-ups.
I think I will ask my uncle to fix my bike so I can go riding.

I am in dire need of help. I'm going to end up screwing up my life if I don't do this correctly.
I am sick of being obese.

School will be out soon-- at the end of this week, so my times of eating and exercising won't be as restricted anymore.
I want to be able to lose some weight by the time school starts up again.

I am about to go attempt to exercise: to test my limits.
And check out my resources food-wise.
 
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First of all, your body needs nutrition, it needs fuel to run on, so you need to feed it, and keep that food down. Also if you don't eat enough, you won't shift weight, you need to just eat a little less than you need to maintain your weight/
Secondly, cutting out fizzy drinks and junk for(Or atleast cut them down alot to begin with) will help alot!
Look around here, there are a few threads with tools to help you estimate calorie intake.

For excersize, I found it painfully dull just doing cross trainer for an hour, so I started to take an MP3 player with me and it really helped, or get to know a few people there, get a gym buddy and work out together :)
Your 16, your body is at its perfect age to be doing this! Good luck :)
Not the best of answers, I'm sure others here can help more ;)

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5lbs weights are a good weight for what you need, two dumbells I assume ? Running intervals helps quite a bit, not intense to begin with, but to keep your heart pumping a bit more and to get everything moving. Can you join a gym at all ? It's quite motivating to see other people do this, and just having people around you motivates you so much.
Chin up :) I was 238lbs in November, got to 188 by Febuary/March time.

If you want a bit more detail infact, I guess I could :)
 
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I know that it isn't good for me, but I am addicted to food. I start eating, it comforts me, and I can't stop; I won't get full.

I told myself today that I would stop, but I just did it. Ugh. The only thing I've eaten today was a small bag of cheese-its -- 180 calories.

As I type this very message, actually, I am binging: eating a large bowl of cereal that I plan to throw up afterwards. (EDIT: Yep. Felt disgusting and threw it up. It made me feel better, too.)

I went downstairs to try and exercise, and I started eating... ugh.
I just can't stop. I need to.
I need help.

I believe that my weight is the main source of my depression. And I've been suicidal because of my low self esteem. I am unable to function properly because of the insecurities I have due to my weight.

PinkRoses said:
Argh edited!
5lbs weights are a good weight for what you need, two dumbells I assume ? Running intervals helps quite a bit, not intense to begin with, but to keep your heart pumping a bit more and to get everything moving. Can you join a gym at all ? It's quite motivating to see other people do this, and just having people around you motivates you so much.
Chin up :) I was 238lbs in November, got to 188 by Febuary/March time.

If you want a bit more detail infact, I guess I could :)
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Yes, they are two dumbells.
I don't think I can join a gym right now, and even if my family did join a gym, I doubt I would be able to go as often as I'd like or for as long as I'd like.

I would KILL to be below 200. Please tell me how you've managed to lose your weight in 3-4 months. If I could get to around 180 by the time school starts again, I would be so incredibly happy.
 
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It is great that you have recognized you have a problem. See a doctor! You need professional guidance and care. Best of luck!
 
I really am scared to let anyone capable of helping me know about my eating disorder. I don't want to be hospitalized again-- I have been sent to a behavioral hospital six times now: for cutting and suicidal tendencies. I haven't been back in like three or four years. I went about 3 months without cutting, started again, 8 months without cutting, started again, and I just went 1 month without cutting, but I cut last night.

I'm afraid to be put into foster care.
And don't want to make my aunt and uncle (my guardians) have to pay money to put me back into an short-term institution that will not help me at all.
 
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It's hard, but once you overcome it you won't believe how it feels, but getting to that point is not the easiest thing you are likely to do anytime soon. I even felt like throwing up some of my cheat meals in guilt, but in truth the fat in them probably did me alot more good with my diet lacking fat during the week.

I really can't comment on your eating disorder, it's not something I've dealt with personally.
But I would personally reccomend the gym quite highly, it's got all the equipment you need and instructors to help you here and there. So daunting at first, but with persistance you end up being fitter than some of the other people that go :p
Erm, I'm 6"2 male, and I just dropped mine through common sense eating, lack of junk and working out with weights and cardio 5x a week, I got pretty unsociable though, meh... The attention I get now is worth it ;)
 
I've never been sociable.

I am scared that I can't lose the weight in a healthy way.

I'm scared I'm going to hurt myself.
 
Ofcourse you can lose it healthily :) Many people have, anyone that says otherwise had a few too many cheat meals. Simple as.
You won't hurt yourself, just keep focused on your goal, it's only a few months compared to your entire life.
You can do this, you will do this. ;)
 
Paroxysm said:
I've never been sociable.

I am scared that I can't lose the weight in a healthy way.

I'm scared I'm going to hurt myself.
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How are things at high school for you ?

Do you have a good relationship with any of the teachers, nurses, counsellors there ?

If you were to workout, where would you go - to a gym ?
 
Paroxysm said:
I really am scared to let anyone capable of helping me know about my eating disorder. I don't want to be hospitalized again-- I have been sent to a behavioral hospital six times now: for cutting and suicidal tendencies. I haven't been back in like three or four years. I went about 3 months without cutting, started again, 8 months without cutting, started again, and I just went 1 month without cutting, but I cut last night.

I'm afraid to be put into foster care.
And don't want to make my aunt and uncle (my guardians) have to pay money to put me back into an short-term institution that will not help me at all.
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Parox - is there an adult you trust that you can talk to about this... about why you are cutting yourself.. what your fears are... Im sure your aunt and uncle love you and want for you to be healthy - they will get you the help you need... Please don't try to go thru this alone...
 
Paroxysm,

Honestly, there are issues here that are more important to deal with then some pounds to lose.

As much as we would love to be able to give you the tools you need to find success through weightloss, you need support and guidance in the real world.

These are serious issues - not just the binge & purging - but cutting and suicidal issues need real life, real time care.

You're going down a path of distruction and need help.

Please talk to someone close to you that you can trust - this isn't something for a forum it's much deeper then that. It's more important then that.

Remember too, we can't wait to be happy "if only..." we need to find happiness now, within us and then, and only then, can the self destruction behavior stop.

You are WORTH getting the help that will help you get through this.
 
I can fix it myself, if I try hard enough.
I just... I need to lose weight in a healthy way.
And then I can be happy with myself.
 
It sounds like you have already developed a dependency on vomiting. Catch it early on and things will be so much easier for you later, and you are NOT putting anyone out by asking for help.
 
Paroxysm said:
I can fix it myself, if I try hard enough.
I just... I need to lose weight in a healthy way.
And then I can be happy with myself.
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Paroxysm,
You don't need to fix this yourself! Everyone of us needs support from our closest ones to achieve what we want. And our closest ones want to give us that support because they love us.
The best way you can avoid your worst fear of being sent to an institution is to get help now, don't wait for your situation to become worse.
You've been there before, so you know what got you there. Now you've come here for our opinion and help. Why not listen to it and find a person you trust to tell about your feelings?
If you glance around this forum, you see, that how we look is not the same as who we are. That's why changing your appearance does not change how you feel. Instead both need to be worked on. I totally agree with you that if you lose weight you should do it in a healthy way. The same goes with your mind. You need to take care of your feelings in a healthy way, with the help of others.
I wish you the best and I sincerely hope you find the courage to open your heart to someone who knows you. Asking for help and then excepting it is the way to do this! :)
Juliette
 
Paroxysm as others have said there are deeper issues then weight here. you seem to be very unhappy and I don't think loseing 5, 10 or even 15lbs is going to make you feel better. You need to know why you are unhappy and turning to food and other more destructive mechanisms for comfort. Please find someone you can talk to in confidence, a teacher, family, a doctor, you can get through this but you do need some support in real life. Best of luck, my thoughts go out to you.
 
Halo said:
Paroxysm as others have said there are deeper issues then weight here. you seem to be very unhappy and I don't think loseing 5, 10 or even 15lbs is going to make you feel better. You need to know why you are unhappy and turning to food and other more destructive mechanisms for comfort. Please find someone you can talk to in confidence, a teacher, family, a doctor, you can get through this but you do need some support in real life. Best of luck, my thoughts go out to you.
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I think I will be able to deal with the mental / emotional issues better once I deal with the physical. I haven't thrown up in like... three days? And I'm not cutting again. It was a one time freak out. The suicidal thoughts were JUST THOUGHTS. I'm definitely not killing myself. It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know that I can get better.

I wrote about my ex-girlfriend, suicidal thoughts, cutting, and eating disorder in a journal I turned in to a teacher. Yesterday, I was pulled out of class after my French final by that teacher and a counselor. I am going to have to go in for a suicidal evaluation soon. I'm thinking I need a therapist. I don't want to go back on meds, but I might have to. I am REALLY hoping they don't send me back to an institution.

My ex and my friends keep telling me that I need to get help, etc.
My parents were upset because I didn't go to them first. They're mad because I got the school involved. They're upset because DFaCS might get involved. There are maybe two people who I can really talk to about my stuff who won't give me some crappy comments that just make me feel worse about myself: my cousin and my friend, Brittany. Of course, Brittany yelled at me yesterday when she found out I had cut myself. It's understandable, but I dunno. She blamed my ex for it.
My aunt asked me what was so wrong with my life that I had to screw myself up so much, and I told her that it had NOTHING to do with my life or other people in my life, just myself. I don't think that they understand why I hate myself so much. I don't understand it either. Everyone TELLS me, "You're beautiful," "You're smart," "You're talented," "You can do anything you want to do or be anything you want to be." I just feel worthless. My uncle said that talking to people online about my problems isn't going to help me. He doesn't understand that talking to people that I know in person doesn't help because they don't want to hear about my problems; they call me selfish because I talk about myself all the time because I need to understand myself; they tell me to get over it; they tell me to just try and be happy. It's not so simple.
 
My uncle said that talking to people online about my problems isn't going to help me.
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I have to disagree with your uncle. I think even writing this stuff out, on the internet, where you can see it and anyone you know could see it (even if they don't realize it's you) in and of itself is a huge step toward helping yourself overcome these problems.

Having people in real life to talk to also helps, but it's not always the same. For some of us, we have difficulty opening up to people that we are able to see and comunicate with right there. When we're typing a post, sometimes we see things in ourselves that we wouldn't have seen had the words just been spoken.

Continue to get help from all angles, I think more support is better.
 
Hi Paroxysm, I've just read your thread, and there's something I want to say.

I could talk about binging/purging and cutting because I know quite a lot about these things, and I will if you want me to. But at the moment, I don't think there's much point. Those things are not your problems. They're methods you use to cope with your problems. Sure, they're not going to do you any good in the long term, and cutting can be very dangerous in the short term, so it's best to try to avoid it if you can. Your biggest problem at the moment seems to be low self esteem, feeling that you're worthless.

It's good that you've found a way of asking for help, even though it isn't exactly what your family wanted. You need to find your way through this, try to keep your head as clear as you can, and make the decisions that are best for you. I know that's easy to say when your feelings are so overwhelming, but you don't have to work miracles, just do the best you can.

I guess the meds you were talking about not wanting are anti-depressants. Some people find them very helpful, but others don't. We're talking about you here, and what will work for you. You mentioned exercise in your first post. My advice is to get out and do some, if you're not already. Even going out for a brisk walk as often as you can may help you to feel better in yourself. Exercise increases the brain's production of "feel good" chemicals, which might make it easier to cope with life. (It will also burn calories and help you to lose weight.)

It's good that you've posted here. When you're struggling with life, you need all the help and support you can get. The only trouble is, you'll get lots of different advice from the people you confide in. Some will work for you, and some won't. Only you can decide which advice is useful for you.

I hope things get better for you soon.
 
Thanks so much, everyone, for your thoughts and support.

Albiran, yes, I am trying to exercise a bit more. I'm cleaning, walking, doing crunches, etc.
I threw away my razor blade, and I haven't thrown up in... I don't remember.. but it's been a few days. I feel kinda gross because I've eaten too much, but I suppose feeling gross is better than harming my body.
I just need to learn to cut down my food intake, I suppose.
I've already had a slice of pizza this morning.

I want to get up and go take a walk, but I'm feeling lazy. Eh.

Exercise makes me feel more energetic, puts me in a better mood, and makes me feel better about the way I look. I just keep telling myself, "I am going to lose weight; I can do this."

I think that my clothes have gotten bigger over the past-- whenever. My shirts are loose, and when I walk up the stairs in these jeans, they just about fall off, unless I'm wearing a belt.

Everyone TELLS ME I look like I've lost weight, but I don't feel like it.
 
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