ok so im in a bit of a dillemma...i own a dance studio, and about 2 weeks ago, one of my students got picked up by her older sister (who went away to college for her first year this year) now when she walked in i almost fell over, she was well anorexic. i told her right away, " wow u lost a ton of weight, i think ur too skinny now." she smiled and brushed it off, then her mom came to pick up the girl last week, and i talked to her mom about the older daughter, she started to cry and told me, that she knows and its a big problem, the girl admits to it, but its getting out of hand on its own now, she wants help, because shes in danger of dying. she asked me to talk to her, and i said i would, now heres the problem, i was anorexic once a number of years ago, and i know its hard to hear what people are trying to tell you, its one of those things, u need to do on ur own, when u finally see it, so im kinda at a loss of words, dont know what to tell this girl, but i dont want to not help! any suggestions? thnx guys!
helping an anorexic girl
- Thread starter tryin2bafitmoma
- Start date
oops i meant to say DO want to help, my mistake, thnx though
Maybe you could just relate your story to her. Like you said, it's hard to hear what people are telling you - but possibly coming from someone who has been through it, it may penetrate more?!!?
Just offer her support, it's about all you can do - as you wrote, she won't do anything until SHE is ready
Good luck.
Just offer her support, it's about all you can do - as you wrote, she won't do anything until SHE is ready
Good luck.
L
Lillian
Guest
well, since you've been through it, share your own experiences, how u realized what you were doing was wrong when u were anorexic, how u could die from it, how it's unhealthy, how if anyone understands, u do the most, maybe she'll open up to you. i think maybe that is the best u can do. and at least you would have tried. but, i agree she has to want to help herself. good luck.
L
Lillian
Guest
Nobody said:
that's horrible to say. i don't think that's the case at all. i think they think they are fat and that's why they are the way they are.
Does she care?
Hi, I was wondering if she likes herself and/or if she is proud of herself. I think that eating disorders are a mental disorder that shows on the outside, harder to hide. Alot of people feel like they cant please anyone, so they take on disorders. If she believes in something, than maybe she can beat this. I feel for anyone in this state. Its harder for someone, that has never been there, to pass judgement on this type of person. For the one up top-Sorry hun, but you have to not contribute to the discomfort of this person feeling for another- not for the girl who wrote this. If she is a teacher she feels responsible for this poor girl. She has feelings, she cares. Enablers are not welcome in this situation, she has an addiction of not eating, probably bingeing, etc... So taking her to eat or talking to her about eating is not welcome. She would only think of it as an insult. Take her to an environment where she is comfortable. If she likes to dance and she dances all the time, maybe she needs to cut it out alittle? You know about this disease. With like any addiction, she will always be this, it is a disease. Like a ex-drinker,smoker,gambler,an anorexia- all these have something in common... It takes time, steps, confidence, no pressure,etc.
Hi, I was wondering if she likes herself and/or if she is proud of herself. I think that eating disorders are a mental disorder that shows on the outside, harder to hide. Alot of people feel like they cant please anyone, so they take on disorders. If she believes in something, than maybe she can beat this. I feel for anyone in this state. Its harder for someone, that has never been there, to pass judgement on this type of person. For the one up top-Sorry hun, but you have to not contribute to the discomfort of this person feeling for another- not for the girl who wrote this. If she is a teacher she feels responsible for this poor girl. She has feelings, she cares. Enablers are not welcome in this situation, she has an addiction of not eating, probably bingeing, etc... So taking her to eat or talking to her about eating is not welcome. She would only think of it as an insult. Take her to an environment where she is comfortable. If she likes to dance and she dances all the time, maybe she needs to cut it out alittle? You know about this disease. With like any addiction, she will always be this, it is a disease. Like a ex-drinker,smoker,gambler,an anorexia- all these have something in common... It takes time, steps, confidence, no pressure,etc.
L
Lillian
Guest
Nobody said:
who knows. i've never been anorexic. still feel sorry for them anyway. that's just me.
Hey Momma!
Well, I have alot of experience with anorexic girls as I have somewhat overcome it and also am the chief moderator on a site to help them. I know that there are ALOT of emotional factors that influence it as much as the media these days on the concept of 'feeling' happy and acheiving this unrealistic and superficial 'high' on your self-image as the celebrities do.
The young girls all go through some sort of phase like this. It is somewhat to be expected of girls in these upcoming generations.
The most that one can do with their own time to help an anorexic victim is to show them true happiness. To show them that all things visible do not define who and what they are. And also to find something else for them to try and channel all of those emotions into. Dance? Thats a great thing. But then again she may become obsessed with her image in her dancing leotards. and that is not funny.
One thing to never do is to say anything at all about their appearance nor let your eyes wander all over her neither with a smile nor with a look of disgust. Pretend her outside does not exist and try to get her to focus on what is in the inside. Once she realizes there is nothing there any more. She can identify what the real problem is. There are ALOT of breakdowns and crying involved and they need a 'rock' of a person to withstand the emotional rollercoaster with them. The alone feeling will cause them to turn to other things to fill this void such as drugs alcohol, cutting, self mutilation, suicide attempts. This is really a place for a VERY close friend or family member. Someone to remind them of how they 'used' to be.
The only way for a person to change from a dangerous state of mind is when the pain becomes too much to handle.
the most a person can do fro mthe outside is to create a positive atmosphere and never make remarks on their weight at all. not thin not fat -- the outside doesn't even EXIST.
Tell them you like their necklace or their shoes. Not their shirt or pants. Why? because it causes them to focus on that torso they became obsessed with in the first place...only to hide the true emotions that exist to begin with.
Anorexia is more complicated than weight . In fact has little to do with it besides something to try to control. The real problem lies in the head, the emotions that lie underneath, and an absence of hope, faith, and love.
Well, I have alot of experience with anorexic girls as I have somewhat overcome it and also am the chief moderator on a site to help them. I know that there are ALOT of emotional factors that influence it as much as the media these days on the concept of 'feeling' happy and acheiving this unrealistic and superficial 'high' on your self-image as the celebrities do.
The young girls all go through some sort of phase like this. It is somewhat to be expected of girls in these upcoming generations.
The most that one can do with their own time to help an anorexic victim is to show them true happiness. To show them that all things visible do not define who and what they are. And also to find something else for them to try and channel all of those emotions into. Dance? Thats a great thing. But then again she may become obsessed with her image in her dancing leotards. and that is not funny.
One thing to never do is to say anything at all about their appearance nor let your eyes wander all over her neither with a smile nor with a look of disgust. Pretend her outside does not exist and try to get her to focus on what is in the inside. Once she realizes there is nothing there any more. She can identify what the real problem is. There are ALOT of breakdowns and crying involved and they need a 'rock' of a person to withstand the emotional rollercoaster with them. The alone feeling will cause them to turn to other things to fill this void such as drugs alcohol, cutting, self mutilation, suicide attempts. This is really a place for a VERY close friend or family member. Someone to remind them of how they 'used' to be.
The only way for a person to change from a dangerous state of mind is when the pain becomes too much to handle.
the most a person can do fro mthe outside is to create a positive atmosphere and never make remarks on their weight at all. not thin not fat -- the outside doesn't even EXIST.
Tell them you like their necklace or their shoes. Not their shirt or pants. Why? because it causes them to focus on that torso they became obsessed with in the first place...only to hide the true emotions that exist to begin with.
Anorexia is more complicated than weight . In fact has little to do with it besides something to try to control. The real problem lies in the head, the emotions that lie underneath, and an absence of hope, faith, and love.
I'd agree with sharing your experience with her. Also, maybe you could suggest some ways for her to get healthier, like resources/therapists, etc. I'm not really sure what it would take, but it seems like giving her some ideas would be better than just telling her she needs to get help. Well, that's my two cents. Good luck!
thnx guys all of this advice and discussion is really helping me out in deciding on what to do with her. to clarify some issues, she is not my student, she is a sister of a student. when she went away to college she had a beautiful first semester, then something happend (as her mother told me) she doesnt know what it is, but when she came home over winter break she looked well...fat, theres no better way to put it. she cried that she hated school and for her parents to take her out, but she managed to go back and after the second semester she came back anorexic, she was constantly excercising, counting calories, eating healthy, but very small amounts of food, and now she cant stop excercing, she cried to her mother " mom sometimes i dont think i look good, but there are people that are telling me i look amazing!" whats wrong with those people? the doctor has found fluid surrounding her heart, and says that if she doesnt change her lifestyle, she will die soon. and on top of everything else, its summer time and all her friends from highschool are back...she was a very popular girl in school, one that cared about her looks and everything that came with it...so im worried, that she will get sucked back into that enviroment, and her situation will worsen.
i tried calling yesterday but no answer. JAmie, everything ur saying is so true...and im going to try to find out what the initial problem was, what happend at school that make her snap?
i tried calling yesterday but no answer. JAmie, everything ur saying is so true...and im going to try to find out what the initial problem was, what happend at school that make her snap?
I'm not an expert at this, but as far I know the reason for anorexia is not because somebody wants a perfect body, but rather is because somebody wanted a perfect body, but then ended up afraid of gaining fat.
I would come out saying something like:
Option 1:
"Do you see yourself in the mirror (which works out great because most dance studios have a lot of mirrors )? I swear I saw somebody just like you on feed the children... *giggles* Seriously though, a few of us are very worried about your weight condition. It has gone beyond losing weight, to killing your body." + some more sappy talk.
Option 2 (indirect):
"oh wow your skin and bones, you better start coming to the gym so we can put some meat on you." (make her feel that being skinny isn't sexy).
Option 3 (direct):
"Your anorexic... You have two options... Either you let us help you, or we will help you... The first option is much better as it doesn't envolve bondage equipment."
Don't take any of my options seriously, because a lot depends on the person... Most importantly I think you should not push anything on her, and always try to make her understand that your just trying to help. Like smoking, if you want somebody to stop, you need to keep pestering them.
I would come out saying something like:
Option 1:
"Do you see yourself in the mirror (which works out great because most dance studios have a lot of mirrors
)? I swear I saw somebody just like you on feed the children... *giggles* Seriously though, a few of us are very worried about your weight condition. It has gone beyond losing weight, to killing your body." + some more sappy talk.Option 2 (indirect):
"oh wow your skin and bones, you better start coming to the gym so we can put some meat on you." (make her feel that being skinny isn't sexy).
Option 3 (direct):
"Your anorexic... You have two options... Either you let us help you, or we will help you... The first option is much better as it doesn't envolve bondage equipment."
Don't take any of my options seriously, because a lot depends on the person... Most importantly I think you should not push anything on her, and always try to make her understand that your just trying to help. Like smoking, if you want somebody to stop, you need to keep pestering them.
stingo said:
well i dont know her that well...i saw her last night, we had a dress rehersal for the dance recital and she came by, perhaps it was what she was wearing but she looked a little better, i didnt tell her, because i dont want her to think she looks good now. she asked if i would get together with her, so we decided to get together.
Well I think the best thing you could do is explain that you went through it yourself. People don't like to listen to people who haven't experienced their problem.