Hate being told I'm fat

[isaaczeke]

It comes down to the way it was said.

Good = "honey, you've been making comments that you're unhappy with your weight. I would like to help you lose it so you can be happier."

Bad = "wow, you're looking fat lately. You really have to lose some weight."

As for being called fat: I've been fat my entire life and couldn't lose weight until last September. One of the things that helped me start was looking myself in the mirror and saying, "Ok, I'm fat. I've neglected this facet of my life. It's not attractive or healthy. Own it, it doesn't mean you're a bad person."

Granted my situation was a lot different from yours. I weighed 342lbs when I started (down 93lbs so far), which is a lot different than wanting to lose 20 pounds. "Fat" is a word that is subjective. Don't let it be used as a weapon against you because it's just a word.

 

[animallover91]

My dad stopped calling me fat when I started throwing things at his walls. That pretty much shut him up.

ugh my dad has something against overweight people (even though he could lose a couple pounds himself!) and he's been hard to live with.. cause my mom's overweight too.. and he used to say things like "get off your fat butt" and make jokes about me and my moms weight.. finally I just broke down crying one time and now he TRIES to shut his mouth but he just can't help it. He talks about strangers too... people he sees on the street and that's hurtful to me... like those are complete strangers.. so what does he think about us? so anyway.. I've felt the same way you do after my dad has said stuff like that.. as your boyfriend has.. it's like... "I don't want to try to lose weight just because he says I should" but then again.. it hurts so bad.. you want to lose the weight..

anyway I'm blabbing about myself.... --- boyfriends aren't supposed to be personal trainers.. he shouldn't have said that to you..

 

[uyis11]

Ah, I've got to kind of disagree with almost everyone here. When I "sign up" to be in a relationship with someone, I "sign up" for that person at their current weight, not 20lbs or 100lbs heavier. Sometimes, in relationships I feel like partners need to draw the line when it comes to weight (or more accurately, gross negligence when it comes to their own body).

I broke up with someone once because she basically refused to work out with me to help her weight problem and she was probably only overweight by 30lbs. As humans, we are free to choose what we find attractive and have no obligation to stay with someone that has become unattractive over time because of their out of control eating or lack of exercise- actions they can control. When I become not physically attracted to my girlfriend, then she is just my friend, not a sexual partner.

boyfriends aren't supposed to be personal trainers.. he shouldn't have said that to you..

Boyfriends are supposed to be attracted to you, and if you decide to take part in practices that make you unattractive (no matter how high his standards are), I say thats grounds for breaking up. It works the other way around as well- not just talking about boyfriends.

I know I have some weird views about this, but let me say, if I had a girlfriend that demanded I lose weight, I would lose the weight if I wanted to stay in a relationship. If you can't meet your boyfriend/girlfriend's expectations of how you should look, then you aren't a good match for each other.

Let me say this as well- I would never date someone that I thought was unattractive because they were overweight, no matter how much I liked their personality. Appearance and personality are two parts of the package and both matter. One doesn't trump the other. P.S. I'm not talking about marriage or anything here, just dating.

Ok, I probably just made some enemies here. Please, no one take this personally, my views don't represent all men's views. I also don't think it makes me a bad or shallow person to have this perspective.

 

[Judyb]

A
I broke up with someone once because she basically refused to work out with me to help her weight problem and she was probably only overweight by 30lbs. <snipped>.

There is some validity to your opinion....if you've always kept yourself in top form. But according to your ticker you also allowed yourself to get overweight so isn't it a bit hypocritical to dump a girlfriend over 30 pounds when you're carrying an extra 50?

Thankfully my BF loved me through my weight gain and patiently waited for me to find the inner strength to take it back off. He certainly likes the way I look more now....but he still loved me with the extra weight.

 

[uyis11]

There is some validity to your opinion....if you've always kept yourself in top form. But according to your ticker you also allowed yourself to get overweight so isn't it a bit hypocritical to dump a girlfriend over 30 pounds when you're carrying an extra 50?

Good point, but the girlfriend in question didn't have a problem with my weight, or at least it didn't affect how she was attracted to me. If it did affect how she was attracted to me, then I would hold myself under the exact same standards that I held her to. The real problem was that she refused to be any part of a "joint" bettering of ourselves when I didn't like the way either of us looked.

The point is that no one should "settle" for someone lower than their standards as far as looks go. Everyone has the right to maintain whatever standards they choose, no matter how high or low; and no matter how they look themselves as long as their partner reciprocates a relative congruent attraction.

 

[amylosesandwins]

Human attraction is a funny thing. It's mysterious to me what attracts a couple together, and what keeps them together through the years. It seems to be a combination of mutual interests, personality compatibility (or lack thereof - some people LIKE to fight with their s/o), pheromones, and attraction to how a person looks.

I find that a balanced person is the most attractive to me. I tend to like guys who take good care of themselves more than guys who slug back a whole pizza and 6-pack of beer and sit on the couch all day, whether or not it has an effect on their weight (some people have crazy metabolisms). I guess, however, that I don't have a "type." I'm the kind of woman who's always met a guy and fallen in love with them, over time, after getting to know them. Usually when I get comfortable with a person, I don't even think about how they're looking, I just want them around me. Of course if I am with someone who I love and they stop taking care of themselves, I get concerned and want to help them change back to better habits, but not because I no longer want to have sex with them. See, when you truly care about and LOVE someone, all of them, not just their looks, you approach it more from a standpoint of wanting them to be around on the planet longer to keep spending time with you. Also, if they were once vibrant, active, and fun, and then become a couch potato, you want that part of their personality (the vibrance) to come back, because that's part of what made you fall in love. My partner and I have both let ourselves go at one point or another over the 5-odd years we've been together. That didn't make us want to stop making love, but it did make us want to become healthier so that it would be more fun and easy to do so.

I don't want to condescend, but love is very different from simple looks attraction. Love makes some allowances for slip-ups because it realizes that people are inherantly flawed. It also allows for both people to be open enough to communicate in a compassionate way so that those bad habits can be corrected and replaced with good ones.

 

[studied.screams]

you really got to lose weight for only one person, YOU. Once you diet is to lose weight for someone else, thats when its set up for failure. Its The wrong kinda of Idea.

 

[amylosesandwins]

Good point, studied.screams...that's one thing I forgot to mention. If someone feels they are being coerced into losing weight (even if they really need to or should), and aren't quite ready to do it for them, they'll resent their loved one telling them to do so.

 

[maverick2]

This is just my personal opinion, but if my boyfriend issued me the ultimatum to work out with him or break up, I would kick his ass to the curb so fast he wouldn't know what hit him. There are ways to address a problem and ways not to address a problem. This sounds like one of the latter. Ultimatums are relationship suicide.

If it did affect how she was attracted to me, then I would hold myself under the exact same standards that I held her to.

It probably did affect the way she was attracted to you, she just wasn't cruel enough to say anything about it to your face.

The point is that no one should "settle" for someone lower than their standards as far as looks go. Everyone has the right to maintain whatever standards they choose, no matter how high or low; and no matter how they look themselves as long as their partner reciprocates a relative congruent attraction.

I agree. But I think that trying to force your standards on someone who doesn't match them to begin with is petty. Especially since your standards obviously shifted. So far your story sounds like: I was fat, she was fat, I lost weight, she refused to follow suit, I broke up with her. (Correct me if I'm wrong. That's just how it comes off.)

I also don't think it makes me a bad or shallow person to have this perspective.

I don't think it makes you a bad person. But especially considering that you had your own weight problems in the past, I do think it make you a little shallow.

I do agree with you as far as attractiveness goes though. I'm much more attracted to fit men than overweight men, and I think that's true for the general female population (for the most part).

If you are not sexually attracted to someone, you shouldn't stay with them. But I don't think you should try to force them to fit your standard for physical beauty either. Not if you ever loved them for anything else other than their looks to begin with.

Anyway, I'm not dogging you for your standards. I have high standards too. I just think breaking up with someone over 20 or 30 pounds is a little extreme.

 

[widler]

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[San2]

Seriously, I don't understand how weight can influence a relationship. Keep in mind, we're talking about 20 or 30 lbs here, not 300.

Shallow anybody?

For one thing, if the physical and emotional attraction is based on looks, then the 'relationship' isn't worth a damn anyway. If that's all you care about, get married to a mirror, because the only person you'll be able to love is yourself anyway.

Secondly, if the partner's weight is a real problem for you - just end the relationship, but don't pester them about it. A diet/weight loss that is started because a person is being talked or even bullied into it is destined to fail. If you're not capable to give constructive support, help and understanding, then bugger off....the person in question is probably better off without you anyway.

There is nothing wrong with talking about weight, and about losing weight, if it becomes a real problem, but in a sensible manner. In a relationship that shouldn't be a problem...if it is, see above.

As for the OP's mother...that woman should be shot. If my mother said that to me, she'd be out on her backside, and wouldn't have to bother coming back.
And yes, my mother told me that it might be a good idea to lose weight, plenty of times - but out of concern for me, and in a manner that told me that she loved me and was worried about me and my health. She'd never use the word 'fat'.

All of the above is my very own, strong yet humble oppinion of course. Feel free to disagree at any time.

 

[angel98]

I agree with Maleficent. If he is telling you that you need to lose weight, it sounds like only the beginning of a bunch of control problems he has. My fiance loved and respected me at my heaviest and loves me no differently now that my body is changing.

You deserve that in a significant other. Drop him and most of your stress about this will probably be gone - and then you can go about losing the weight to be HEALTHY and for no other reason but for YOU, as it should be. If you ever need to talk, I'm around!

Agree with the others on the boyfriend comment. I have a girlfriend now who is dating a man(after a divorce) who actually is very body conscious. He prefers a certain aesthetic, but she knew this as they had been friends for a while. Knowing this she never got too friendly with him you know. Moral of the story is the friendship blossomed into something more and even as a gal sitting in a size 14 he adores her. There is so much more to a person then just their outer appearance. She works very hard already(not for him, she was doing this before) to improve her fitness and I think what's more important to him is her dedication to all things she does--her work, children, and her fitness even if she's never a size 6. I think maybe we all have an ideal, but the point is that a guy worth his salt if he falls in love with someone can overlook some faults, just as women do the same with men. If this is something he harps on frequently, then I hate to say, but he probably isn't really attached to the person underneath the outside. Just thinking of my girlfriend and other friends it seems that both men and women can overlook a lot and also have sensitivity to their loved ones feelings and not harp on something that bothers them.

As a side note, I have psoriasis. I dated a man who was very forward in the things he said. Until I brought it up one day, he never ever mentioned it and I know he was curious and it took self-control not to given his personality. What that told me is that he loved me enough to care about my feelings and not just come right out say in the middle of an intimate moment when you are most vulnerable and say something. Now I want to hear the truth, but it takes a person with a lot of love in their heart to give it to you in a manner that doesn't destroy you or make you self-conscious even more of your faults. It's out there...someone who harps constantly is not that person.


And eat more. Depriving like that will only work against you.