Girl Situation

sure whats the problem?
 
ok here goes, but first let me say this post may make me sound like a tool, but i am not one of those guys that doesnt have a clue, and with the circumstances given, but I am thinking I may be letting a good thing go. or maybe I losing common sense. I am sure I could be leaving key info out, but not trying to.

I am 29 never been married and no children. She is 27 divorced with 3 children. I started seeing her earlier this year at the exact same time I was starting a business with a friend. She had recently broke up with a guy about 3 months before me and I was upfront from the beginning that I had to make career my priority and she agreed that she was in the same position.

We hung out a lot all year and it was completely obvious that we were really into each other. She started bringing up how much she liked me and would like a serious relationship if I was interested. I told her I just could'nt at this point in my life. The thing is, if I were in a better position, I would like more too. But I am spending more money than I am making trying to start this business and I want to be responsible and get my ducks in a row at least to the point I am financially stable. It's not that I don't like her kids, it's more that if I were going to be serious with her I just need to be where I will likely be in 3 years.

Well a couple months ago, I told her and she kind of agreed we needed to probably take a break from each other. We still talked on the phone, but didnt see each other. She mentioned she was going to start seeing the guy she was seeing before me again. She had every right to of course, but from all I had heard about this guy, he is not a good guy, but just has some hold over her.

Well I just found out she is getting married. He happens to have a lot of money, but I know this girl, she isn't after him for money (she wanted me and I sure don't have much money at this time). My thing is he is better for her and the children right now financially, but she would be much happier with me, if I were in a position for that kind of responsibility.

The reason for my post is, I really like this girl and am so frustrated that I am not in the position to approach her and tell her how I feel about her.

I had a lot of fun in college and been with lots of girls. I like to think I am pretty experienced and level-headed not to see things as I want them to be and see them as they are. I know this girl loves me and is settling for him. I wish I could tell her how I feel and see where it goes, but I think it would be irresponsible given my current situation (since it would not only effect us, but 3 children).

Any thoughts?
 
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Ok Thanks. I Guess I could add that I over the bar scene and one night stands and I have grown up a lot to seeing the value of spending your life with someone that makes you happy, its just that I am not where I need to be with career and financially. Had way too much fun in my 20's $$$.
 
Well you definitely sound level headed to me. I think you should talk to her and tell her pretty much what you said here. If she's settling, she's not going to be happy a couple of years down the road. And it would be sad for those 3 kids to go through a divorce again. I understand that you can't really provide for her financially right now, but you don't have to financially set to have a serious relationship. Let her know exactly how you feel and what you have planned for the future with her....if you know for sure what type of future you want with her. If she sees that there is a future with you if she waits, she may very well wait for you instead of settling for the other guy. Just make sure you do want a future with her before you intervene on this engagement. Being career driven is great, but if she's the girl of your dreams, don't let her get away.
 
Simbl78,

Thanks for the reply. I havent talked to her yet to find out soon the engagement is or to be able to tell if she is really happy. Once I do talk to her, I guess I will have to make the decision to intervene or not. I just want to do the right thing.
 
Siml78,

Let me ask you this. Let's say that when I do talk to her, I get the vibe that she isn't really happy and I tell her how I feel and say what you said to say about how if she can be patient, we can have a future together and then we do the serious relationship and then it unexpectedly doesnt work out for whatever reason, would I have done something wrong by intervening?
 
Man, this sucks. Sometimes you make good decisions that put you in a worse situation. If you tell her, it becomes more complicated for everyone, but if you don't, you could be making a mistake that you won't ever be able to fix.

I think honesty is very important and maybe she should know exactly how you feel and why. If she doesn't care about your financial situation and she will support your decision to go into business for yourself, why shouldn't you guys be committed to each other? You can be serious and still focus on your project as long as you have a mutual understanding and respect for each other's current priorities, along with an understanding that the rewards will come soon.

With her about to marry another guy though, I don't know what to tell you.
 
Also, who cares if you break up the engagement and you guys end up not working. Life takes you in different directions for different reasons. If she ends it for you then obviously, at the time being, you are more important than her future with the other guy.
 
Foofighter..
I've ind of been on the other side of this for yrs myself with several men..

if you can't be honest and communicate then it's all just crazy head stuff ...

bring it into reality and speak for f*ssake and see how that goes .


good luck with it.

BtL.
 
jondoe,

good points. i am just like you about that its more complicated now that she is engaged. the kids are expecting it and are probably excited to be moving into the sweet freakin house this guy owns. her kids might resent me(although they seem to like me) forever not knowing that he isnt a good guy. i want to tell her how i feel for her benefit and mine, but i am not sure (like you) its the right thing to do.
 
Dude! Talk to her. I understand what you're saying but if it's true love, she will support you through your start up. And there's nothing like the support of a good woman to keep you moving through hard times. If you don't talk to her, you will probably spend the rest of your life thinking "what if..." and that's not good. At least she will know how you feel and you will know you gave it a shot. Life's too short, it's not a dress rehearsal. Yeah, I know it sounds corny but it's so true. As for the other guy, don't worry about him. You have to do what's right for you and hopefully, for her.
 
Yeah I really don't get the delimma. I don't understand why you can't tell her how you feel just because you're not financially as secure as you want and you don't have a lot of spare time. She obviously liked you when you were seeing each other and knew the situation then. So, what's so different about a serious relationship? The only thing that would change is you guys would be mutually exclusive.
 
evolution,

i guess its that i would want to be able to provide more if she and i are were indeed an item. i guess that about pride and respecting the responsibility of a single mom.
 
If pride gets in the way of happiness, then it becomes a bit foolish. Sometimes we have to make compromises or sacrifices. I'm sure she has the responsibility down of being a single mom.

Like I said before-she knew what she was getting into with you and accepted it. It seems like you're the one who hasn't accepted it. It's really up to you in the end.

Plenty of people carry serious relationships while struggling to get a business off the ground. It's up to you if you think you can or not.
 
Well, you seem to have a really good grasp on things. Especially in the sense that you realize that in the real world, love isn't always all you need. That's smart.

When we're 19 or so, we like to think that if we love someone, that's all that matters, so on and so forth. In the grown up world, we begin to realize that there are many more things to consider. Financial stability is a big one.

If you truly feel that you will be able to provide what she and her children need in the reasonable future, then it would be wise to at least discuss it with her. Not in the "crash their wedding screaming I love you" sense, but in the "sit down and talk seriously" sense.

Talk to her. If she seems set on her decision, then she probably knows what she is doing, so let her do it.
 
Thanks for solid advice deschain
 
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