Floater
Well-known member
If there's one thing I can say for certain about spirituality and religion, it's that tapping into the "something deeper" and the confidence and peace of mind this can bring a person isn't something that can be bought or willed into existence. If anything, this approach will only make us more miserable. The sacred and deep is already here in our everyday existence. Trying out different spiritual paths isn't like booking a trip and taking it, it's about taking a step aside our everyday existence and then looking at that existence from a slightly different angle, so that when we get back to the normal, we have gained a slightly different perspective. Also, no matter what kind of a black belt saint is in question, no one is able to ride the spiritual high 24/7. If they claim they are, they are lying to keep up appearances.
There are a lot of con artists in the spirituality trade, whether in churches or meditation centers or in New Age settings. They know fully well how human it is to seek solutions to life's problems from spirituality. In a way, losing oneself to spiritual pursuits can be very close to an active ED: some people find a coping mechanism in following scriptures to the T or meditating until their brain turns to goo. I had these tendencies when I was younger and more idealistic and then eventually I realized that spirituality is a constant work in progress and I can't plan and map it like a road trip. I would probably have gone off the deep end if I didn't have one foot on the solid ground of sociological/scientific discipline: during my busiest seeking years I was in Uni, studying Theology and Comparative Science of Religion. But I also don't think that the time I spent prowling Buddhist sanghas and reading texts and scientific studies about all this would have gone to waste in any way. The seeking part is important. It allows us to create our own insight about spirituality instead of just parroting what a teacher said.
About the anger part: it's a natural feeling that usually tells us that something is wrong and needs fixing. People, especially girls and women, are conditioned into thinking that anger is a "bad" feeling, almost like poison in a bathtub, spoiling the whole batch of water. But anger is as natural as pain as a warning system: we are either under direct threat, or something in our past is bothering us and left yet unaddressed. Of course, reacting with anger out of proportion is not a good thing, but meditating it away is just pushing it away really. I'm particularly sour at the mindfulness industry for pretty much weaponizing meditation against mental health patients. It's cheap to tell a person living with depression/anxiety that if they only meditated a bit, they would be right as rain. But being able to deal with the sensation of depression/anxiety better, without getting support to change the root causes of depression that usually either deal with our past or something in our current lives that just doesn't support our wellbeing, is a bit like teaching someone to sit on a hot stove without complaining: what happens when the meditation is over and it's time to peel one's burnt ass of the stove? Meditation can teach us to not act out our anger in ways that are harmful, and even to have compassion towards whoever/whatever has angered us, but meditation should not be used as a way to extinguish this perfectly natural and valid feeling.
I'm by no means telling you to not meditate - in fact I highly encourage trying it out. It might be better to start in a group to get a general gist of it. Besides, it's pretty hard to meditate while also looking after a baby, so venturing outside the home might give you a healthy break from the daily grind too. As simple as meditation is, it's incredibly hard to get started alone. Google Buddhist sanghas (basically, congregations) in your area, they usually host free group meditations. If they demand payments, don't go, that's a sign of scammers (although a small fee for a beginner's course can be acceptable, especially if they hand out printed materials to read). They might have a donation box by the door; only give if you really got something out of it. The regular goers fund the rent etc. anyway, don't worry about that. Not all denominations of Buddhism are the same and not all teachers and sanghas are the same either. If you feel uncomfortable, scoot. Meditation should not be power play or a pissing contest and those who use it for that are spiritually lost and frauds!
When it comes to yoga: the Western version of it is deeply capitalistic and materialistic. Nice exercise if you want to get bendy, but spiritually speaking it's total nonsense. I do encourage trying it out too if you want to, and it can help build a better connection to your body which is obviously the locus of any spiritual practice because we inhabit our bodies... But just a reminder: the "proper" spiritual yogis of India were considered super shady ascetic extremists up util 1960s when yoga started to gain traction in the West, and only recently has it been accepted as something for decent normal middle class Hindus in India, because they emulate what's cool in the West. Less than bendy enlightened folks, the old timey yogis were unwashed freaks (saying this with love and appreciation) whose whole yogic routine could consist of, for example, swearing to hold one of their hands pointing up to the sky for the next 10 years and never putting it down.
I really hope I don't come across as snarky. I think it's great that you are feeling the pull to try out things and seek peace of mind. To me, spirituality is close to play; it's about imagination, trying things out and accepting there will be disappointments and failures. Usually these will show themselves in a different light in a couple of years.
What a rant! Sorry
I hope you are well, take care Bunny!
And I can see that you had the blessing of the avocado gods with you, as well