Fiera's Diary

There is an undercurrent I am hoping I will understand. I feel off balance and like an opportunity is being missed. I really hoped that the fine weather would get us out on our bikes. Proggy didn't bring his up in spite of my urging. In the end it was too much trouble. He did pump up the tires on my bike and the new doggie stroller. There is a problem with my front brake. Now we have to tackle my decades old hitch mounted rack if I want to take the dogs and my bike down and ride by him. With L, it would have simply all been done and figured out. Not that I am comparing the two of them. It's just more realizing what I want/need in a life partner as I speed through the last active years of my life.

Meantime, I appreciate Proggy's companionship. We had a pretty relaxed weekend. Yesterday we took an easy stroll in the forest preserve then took the dogs to a barbeque shack and had a little family picnic. It was KDog's belated birthday treat since I could not take her a month ago when I was still recovering from cracked ribs. We came home after and everyone took a nap except me. We watched an exciting hockey game and then Proggy rinsed the dust off my SUV and inflated the bike tires. So he did try to be helpful. I swept out the garage. Larger projects remained untouched. We both seemed a bit out of sorts. Later we went for a little drive then ended up at F-Garage on the patio, where it had grown chilly as the sun went down. Picked up some Mexican. Back home, food tv and sleep. I was conked out on the recliner before 10 I think. Not much of a napper.

I am not a prayer either but I find myself this morning throwing myself upon the mercy of the Universe, praying for some divine inspiration, some energy to get back to really living life instead of just passing time. I have been tired, it is true, and I feel the benefits of getting a good nights' sleep. Maybe the Universe wanted me to have a few days of rest at home, a staycation. It just feels like my own inability to plan and execute is amplified by Proggy's. We have been talking about a July 4 getaway which has been complicated by Proggy's inability to decide which days to take off...which is in part stemming from uncertainty and layoffs at his job. Finally he just decided we should pick a different weekend. On my end, to be fair, the addition of NDog makes everything more complicated too. Do we board the dogs or bring them along? Do we break them up or do I see if the usual sitter will take NDog...but then she has a shorter fence so...don't know, Yeah, I have introduced more complications myself. NDog though can maybe go to his preceding foster for a short weekend, they liked him. I can figure it out.

Meanwhile, my friendships are languishing, and I think of Irish friend waiting for me to come visit. I need to get the calendar out and figure this stuff out.
 
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Well, Proggy and I went to sit in W Park and listened to jazz and he played guitar along. The dogs were with. It was pleasant. Having two dogs is really harder. This is on me. The house seems fuller but the getting out is harder. Next weekend we go to the hometown. I suppose if I wasn't so overweight and was in shape things would be easier. Moving like a slug. We had shrimp and tapas and brats on the grill. Fauxritas which we didn't finish. We dozed off after. I washed a few windows and screens. Both listless. Bike shop was not open. Garage opener not working right. He went home. Will watch tv or read tonight. Maybe the solitude will help. Maybe not. I feel anti-social. Oh well.
 
Yay. A sense of calm quiet is back this morning. The sun is back (it was mostly cloudy yesterday, though pleasant). Enjoying matcha on the couch while the sunlight streams in, not hot yet at 7AM.

NDog is a living breathing alarm clock. 6AM potty (actually about 5:45 this morning, following the sun cycle I think). 7AM brekkie. He is a picky eater, so that is when I put his food down, he walks away from it, I add a little something, he eats a little. When KDog gets up she will try to eat from his bowl and I will take it up. Neither one of them eats much in the morning. Supper time is a different story.

Having two dogs which don't eat reliably on cue can be a time suck. I am trying to teach NDog that you snooze you lose. He is trying to teach me not to add Ocarrots to his food, and add some canned stuff instead. I need to ask Pixy if I can try a different kibble. Boarding becomes trickier when your pups need meal coddling and I want to get NDog on some kind of auto pilot.

My body gently aches and is tight all over, no doubt from the dietary indiscretions of the weekend. Today I have the opportunity to set things right by light and careful eating. Eggs perhaps, salad, some nice Amish chicken breasts I picked up yesterday, maybe a little oatmeal. No dairy, low salt, no coffee, It makes a huge difference. I wasn't ready to start the 5day FMD with a visit to the hometown coming up Sat. I will start next Sun or Mon I think.

The To-Do list for today is a mile long. I don't need to look at it for another hour at least. I checked my portfolio balance for the first time in a while, and it has come back a little bit, though I am not comfortable that I really get what the manager is doing with it. It seems like I have lost a lot of ground in the last year. If I had bought a new home before prices went up I might have seen a lot of appreciation. Yet, I know that I have enough to keep a roof over my head and food on the table. It makes me uncomfortable that I am not keeping up with inflation. Yet, that is a future concern which may not materialize. I have never counted on getting anything from my dad's estate, and that possibility still exists, esp if Peaches is going to get nasty at some point. I can't worry about it any more and I don't, generally. My QOL is dependent so much more on how I feel in the today.

Well, the dogs and I had a little play romp in the yard, which was fun. NDog is getting more comfortable and playful. Then no one wanted to eat much and the bowls are up. I will take a walk with them early, around 8:30, before the heat really kicks in.

Bunch of rando comments this morning. It feels like it has been ages since I really contemplated, more than in a surface way. I get it. I used to live a life of adventure and now I am a blob on a couch. Uninspired. Unfluttered. Unshaken. And yet, the stability is definitely much better. Emotionally I am avoiding the depths of desapir and angst which either relationships or existential crises (incl workplace) gave rise to. Maybe this steadying is simply part of a larger picture; rebuilding my platform from which I will live the rest of my life. Older, wiser, slower, quieter. Is this a function of age, or is it a function of giving up partying and booze?

CB caught me off guard and rather irritated me on Friday. She suggested in not so many words that if I have spent the majority of my adulthood overweight that perhaps through genetics and organically, I really am a fat person and I need to just accept that. Well, I am not. I have no need to be skinny. But I have spent plenty of time being fit and active. It's not so much a number on the scale. But how the clothes fit, or even reliably being able to pack for a trip knowing things will fit for example. It's being physically capable. Ugh, I don't know why I am going on about it. If it was important to me, I'd be doing something about it, right? Maybe that is what she is saying...poorly...that maybe it is just not a priority, But then that means that food and indulgence IS a priority, And why is that? Because it is comfort? Because it is easy? Every time I do the 5Day it is so noticeable how much easier life is when you have all the nutrition you need every day in a box. No snacks in the cabinets, no containers of leftovers in the fridge. It frees up physical and mental space to do things like read and relax.

Yeah. It all comes back to clutter and clarity.
 
Got some things done this morning. Fixed the garage door issues without the repair guy coming out, saved a chunk. Renewed my car plate before it expired. Just chipping away a little. Making some poached eggs now for late breakfast. It feels good to rest though I did text SB about taking a walk before it gets much warmer. No reply, so I may reach out to Nellie instead.

I think my anxiety has been up. Not bad, but undercurrents. I haven't been taking my supplements the past week, and I have been drinking coffee and too many inflammatory foods. Plus, some stress from Proggy weekend and my own shi tshow bubbling under. Grateful to be back in a quieter place now.

Nellie has also declined, offering up a couple of reasons. I also need to sit down and answer her text from last week. Which reminds me I need to send thank yous to the vet techs as well.
 
I took care of an outstanding request from Nellie, which took almost 2 hours between first making notes and then talking on the phone. Prior, sent the thank you notes to the vet techs and solicited feedback. Added a few more to do's to the list, Somehow in the middle of things today I reminded about an internally referre candidate I had for a job opening. I had heard that he had children with behavioral issues which were so severe they were featured on a tv program. At the time I thought, what kind of professional person puts their personal problems, parenting, let alone their minor children, on a tv show for everyone to see? What does that say about their priority of their job and career, or their judgement or how they see themselves? In our image conscious firm it never would have worked; out of respect for the candidate, I never actually watched it. But I did today, out of curiosity. I felt sorry for every person in that family, and I wonder how thing went months and years after the reset that was received. I appreciated how the show was informative and instructive. But I certainly was right that it would have been a problem to hire that guy. I can't go into details but he sure as heck would have been a push over in a role which required a strong backbone. Nice fella.

The adult daughter(s) have come over to use the pool next door. It has been 10 minutes of ranting about a contractor where every word can be distinctly heard, while the replies are much quieter. I imagine she would lower the volume if she realized I can hear everything. Unusual, so nothing to get irritated with, I am sure it will soon pass.

Ah, they just turned on the radio. 80's soft rock. Anyway that covers up the talk and that was what was missing.

There also is the sound of a lot of children this Spring. My area has become a somewhat well regarded place for young two-income middle class couples to raise a family. Cheaper than the mega neighborhoods around, and with big older trees and some older residences with charm that have been seeing renewal. Park with facilities and baseball. Dogs and gardens and yards. Close enough to the city to go do things, far enough away to have parking, quiet, and low crime. When I first moved here everyone was in their 60' and 70's. A neighborhood turns over if you stay long enough. So many people don't have that experience. House I looked at last week was in the family for almost 30 years. I'm at 25 myself. I have roots. In my starter house lol.

I miss L.

There was a moment in that episode where the eldest daughter declined her mom's gesture of affection, and it was brought out that she had emotional walls up and physically did not want to be touched. She was encouraged to bring the walls down just a little bit at a time, just in response to small gestures in kind and to try to promote change and openness. Those walls. I know those walls. The walls that fell to the ground the moment L died, The walls which make it impossible for me to even think about actually having contact with AN. Or W. Or other people. Those walls come from a place of deep hurt. They are heavy and they affect who you are and how you react to a lot of things. The walls which make it impossible to feel your body.

I felt a flash just now of hating people. Maybe not hating people so much as hating this life, those expectations, trying to fit into a society which doesn't value my qualities. I can't be everything and yet somehow I still let myself be buffeted about by other people's expectations and needs. I want just for 5 minutes to shut my eyes and be youmg with L again, before life effed us up.
 
Tuesday eve. Just got back from a visit to urgent care for 3 stitches to my palm. I was washing kitchen knives and got lost in thought about concrete and the neighbor. Not sure what to do with that situation. But another preventable accident. I feel like it keeps happening lately. Really it's nothing more than a failure to remain present and aware. I was not like this when I was younger. It's anxiety, and maybe a bit of depression too. Meditation and journaling may help clear my mind.

Overall I felt better today. I ate cleaner. I got some things done and some new ideas for the "rescue center" in the basement. I rearranged a few things I set up the little pool for NDog in the yard. The water was too cold for his foot, so maybe tomorrow.

Yesterday watched an exciting hockey game of my Dad's team, advancing to the finals. Two more weeks of hockey, wrapping up before my dad's bday party. Then the party, then dinner on his actual BDay. So June is for Dad, muchly, and then July has to be for me.

I am actually really blessed that this week is not full of appointments. The pleasure of spending time each day working on little projects and getting caught up bit by bit is chicken soup for the soul. I can't understand why there is this little urge to drink. I have all the reasons NOT to, and being a responsible and reliable person for the rescue community and adopters is a big reason. I don't want to backslide. But it seems like my emotional state is getting me in other ways.

Well, it's a quiet evening ahead and I am grateful for it.
 
Yesterday I was confused all day about the day of the week, due to the holiday. It was actually Wednesday, I see I got it wrong in my post last eve. So it is Thursday. I am in slow motion but I partially clean up the kitchen and took the dogs out and fed them. Well, I put their food down. Neither one of them is in any hurry to eat and the policing as they check out whether the other one has a tastier meal is getting old. If they don't eat quickly the food gets picked up. If I don't pick it up they are just waiting for me to get distracted and go downstairs and do laundry or something. Gah. They are both stubborn.

Hand is an inconvenience but doesn't bother me much otherwise. The young PA at the urgent care was pleased with his suturing. I haven't had many stitches in my life but I have certainly seen them on many dogs and these are spaced far too far apart. But what are you gonna do, he is young and doesn't have years of practice. At least he was there when I needed help and I didn't have to go to the hospital. It will just take a lot longer to heal and be harder to keep clean. He was a pleasant young man.

Speaking of urgent care, since when do you have to have an appointment? It seems more and more like they are running like community based primary care clinics rather than urgent care. Luckily they were not busy and I only had about a 30 minute wait for a time slot...during which time I dashed back home and put NDog in his crate.

The A/C has been on for a day or two now. It is not so hot but the humidity kicked up and we had thunderheads move through yesterday which produced no rain. The soil is in desperately dry and I am growing a bit worried about the crops now. It has been at least 10 days of dry and sunny. Hopefully other parts of the country are faring OK.

I need a shower badly. Actually I would love a soak in the tub but have been uneasy with loading the tub full of water until I can get an inspection. Maybe I will just put on a swimsuit and use the doggie pool I set up yesterday in the yard. I need to keep my hand dry so figuring rubber dish glove and hairband at the opening.

Reminds me of one of my favorite dance songs PTP - Rubber Glove Seduction. Ha. I just played it and NDog's head tilts to the opening barklike sounds was cute.

Whelp, I'm stalling now.

I started the book Beasts of Extraordinary Circumstance last night. Pixy had mentioned it a couple of months back so I bought it and had it sitting here. It is fantasy which is not really my jam, but I ended up loving the Harry P series so I will press on. It's an easy read at least and will go quickly, and then I can leave it in the free library on the next block.

Yesterday morning when I was rearranging the basement (seems forever ago, when I had a functioning dominant hand) I approach both the totes of CD's and my grad school materials with an eye to do something with them and create space. Neither one of them budged. With the CD's it was more a sense of keeping them and going through to see which ones I might need to re-burn, or as a backup, which is just silly consider I don't regularly listen to music these days and when I do I tend to use the premium streaming service. Would I really miss the physical discs? Probably not. The grad school materials I had a more concrete experience with. As I opened business cases and exams, and saw notes in my handwriting, it brought back not only learnings and memories, but this distinct sense of I was - and still am - that person. Just like hanging on to the CD's - and the records and guitars and keyboard I rarely play - bring forth real, visceral memories of the person I am/have been/was. It's perfectly OK and even normal for us to evolve as we go through life, adding and subtracting people and interests. I have the dog rescue in my current chapter. Yet I had such a much cooler and interesting life musically and socially when I was younger. Am I hanging on to who I was, or am I hanging on to who I still am?

AM I HANGING ON TO WHO I WAS OR AM I HANGING ON TO WHO I STILL AM?

That is a fantastic question. Am I in Depression or Evolution?
 
[Just had a shower/shampoo it was great! Rubber glove and hair band and being mindful. Skipped legs shave. Got the wound changed and redressed but need larger bandages. Also, some bleeding, probably due to stitching being inadequate.]

Before the divorce, the last years, I had settled down into reading every Jane Austen book and obtaining and reading her obscure writings, as well as watching various movie and mini series adaptations. I branched out to an online friend whose mom taught literature in England and branched into Anthony Trollope. And Jane Eyre by Bronte. Hours and hours and hours. It was not only a phase. It was a manifestation of me in which life had become very inward focused, L and I were inactive and went out to eat a lot. We enjoyed the weekend place and our pups, and we still saw friends and family. But toward the end you can see it happening. I was turning inward, self soothing, putting on weight, being inactive. My mom had passed. We were approaching mid life. And something was dragging. L was unable to find a job/path he could stay in. I grew disenchanted and resentful and lost respect for my partner. And of course my own job stress and the bully at work. And I filled my time - whenever I had alone time, which he did give me - with Jane Austen. I loved reading and I loved movies, but it was also sedentary and inward directed. And of course that is also when I first started journaling.

Nowadays, it's old movies (Proggy), the pups (both not terribly mobile), daily word game..and even the daily long phone calls with Proggy which I now recognize I have allowed to resume (last night I just cut it short though). Just an awareness. Maybe it's depression. But maybe it's just natural. I believe there are cycles in life, ebbs and flows, peaks and valleys, though whether that is just me and my own personal chemistry I can't say. This life certainly is not clear cut and isn't it a shame all the time some of us spend trying to figure it out?
 
Post shower weight was 179.9. Well, I ate healthy yesterday. I am out of salad greens but cooked up some spinach yesterday. Have turkey burger patties I also made, and chicken breasts to go on the grill. There were too many crackers in the house and I was eating those with cheese and peanut butter. I also ate a chocolate cookie from the downstairs freezer. Making healthy choices is so much easier when I have prepared good and green stuff and I don't have junk in the house.

Getting a bit hungry now, so will have a turkey burger on thin bread. I'll read to beat the heat and rest up some more. I like relaxing. I am starting to get a groove on with it,
 
We do evolve. I am still the person I was 40 years ago, but I am also different. I love decluttering, but have hung onto my vinyl & CDs. You have a busy life, Fiera & having some relaxing time on the couch doesn't sound too bad to me, especially with a good book.
 
This morning I broke through and went for a walk with the dogs. A mile first with both, and then an additional mile with only NDog. When we got home the 2nd time, KDog had made a little extra present in the form of liquid xxxx. Both dogs are not eating well, stealing each others' food, and I think the dollop of yogurt I gave her yesterday to get her to eat her own dinner backfired. NDog has the runs too, for probably the same reason. Plus it has been humid and uncomfortable in the house. I don't think it's a parasite but given that both dogs are having issues I will probably bring a sample with when I take KDog to the vet later. She has been having a bit labored/croupy breathing from time to time, and I want to get it checked. Plus a distended abdomen. At her age I am thinking the beginnings of heart failure, which can be medication managed.

I have a session with CB in an hour and the topic will be that very question. I have always been one who stores/triggers memories in physical objects. I think my lack of a minds' eye has something to do with it. In any event, opening those old grad school materials brought back a very sharp minded, capable version of myself. I also recollect how I would make the most detailed 1-page cheat sheets we could use for exams. They were remarkable. Not only did they help me to prepare, but they took the pressure off straight memorization of formulas and things. Now that I know more about how my mind and memory work, and reading articles about AI, it seems more important than ever that students master how to apply the material and not so much about memorizing it. In the real world, you have books and reference guides anyway, you have the internet,so the important thing is to know how to use those tools if and when you need them to get the formula or whatever. I still have the textbooks, highlighted, in case I ever needed them. I never have, though that may be more of a result of career path than anything else.

Knowing I will never need those materials, and knowing that they are occupying precious space in my basement, what do I need to do in order to be OK letting 98% of them go? Maybe keep some stuff on understanding financial statements and accounting principles and read thru it again? Some value there if I do it. But the two most valued items are a business plan class (I did a doggy daycare back before there were many) and an essay on the self / visualization from a leadership class. Some years after I graduated, Porters Five Forces became Porter Plus as gleaned from some of the more recent graduates working in my company. No one ever explained the Plus. I am curious, now that I am thinking about it again.

Its kind of nice to experience a feeling of intellectual curiousity.

It's also kind of nice to have gotten in an early dog walk before the heat, seeing the dogs settled and snoozing instead of making excuses to not walk them in the heat.

I don't have much positive to say about my eating yesterday, considering that it went on for hours and hours after that turkey burger lunch. I avoided anything with added sugar, but I did have a few cranberries mixed in with almonds and cheese. Lots of cheese. And two all beef hot dogs. The thinning out of the fridge let me to an avocado so I ate that, along with leftover spinach. Later on I had the last of my museli with some milk. I think because the fruit in it contains sugar. Shrug.
 
OH! There was a very interesting article about a girl who was catatonic for 20 years. She had been a bright college student, then some kind of trauma led her into schizophrenia then catatonic state. There is some research being done about inflammation and auto-immune disease attacking the brain as a source of schizophrenia. When they gave her the auto-immune treatment, she came out of the catatonia after TWENTY YEARS. I really do think they are going to find more and more scientific evidence that mental illnesses are linked to gut brain biome and inflammatory processes. Just like they are finding connections between sugar and cancer cell growth.

Also in the news, the big O weight loss medication may actually be an anti-addiction agent. OF COURSE it is. Anyone like me who suffers from addiction whack a mole would tell you that there is something physiological going on. That is why I feel so much more at peace when I do the 5 day fast (other than keto flu). The inflammation goes way, the muscles relax, moving gets easier, bloating falls away, and the mind gets clearer. They finally are tapping in to the mechanics of these body pathways and I am excited to see where it all goes. Meantime, I considered the O medication on the encouragement of Guru Doc, and I have it here, but was scared off by the side effects profile, I think it was an increased incidence of thyroid cancer.
 
Well, the discussion with CB started with the grad school materials. She supported finding a new, current day intellectually driven pursuit (job, volunteering) which could help me tap into that part of my brain. Preferred to spending time reading through the old materials for resonant nuggets of wisdom and experience. It also expanded to other clutter points in the house - the dining room for example, where there is a trove of miscellaneous, including a couple of totes of papers, along with the stuff of my mom's which Peaches gave to me. More things to sell, like collectibles, along with things to keep like family photo albums. When she asked me why I still had the collectibles, why not give them away if selling is too time consuming? I guess because they had value to the original collector, and they are worth something and I would feel pretty bad about just giving them away...like it disrespects what was important to them. And because the selling process has not been a priority.

We ended up in a conversation we started a year and a half ago...time bound decluttering. Don't go down a rabbit hole, just give yourself say 30 minutes and whether that is looking through things or actually reading/purging/organizing, just adhere to the time limit. I got rid of two easy paper purges...the gratitude calendar sheets which had resonated, and some newsletters/sign up sheets for the local civic association. It's a start. I took the recycling out then.

I had a nice moment where I noticed the cacophony of birds on the side of the house where I ran the sprinkler last night. No doubt it is the dampest spot in the neighborhood right now, and maybe they really benefitted.

I don't know why I am struggling to find motivation these days, but I do know that a couple of days of relaxing - alone - has been helpful and restful. Maybe I was just super depleted after 6 weeks with cracked ribs and little exercise and falling behind on things. And my work with the rescue has been stressful in waves surrounding the transports with not so much fun mixed in lately. Gotta remember to take it all a bit less seriously. I'm retired. If it isn't fun, it isn't worth doing! And it really is fun, I just got lost in all the tasks and to-do's there for a bit.

Smiling now,
 
It takes quite a while to readjust to retiring from full-time work & I think we can try too hard to fill the space. It's good to take back some of that space & give yourself time to breathe & relax.
"If it isn't fun, it isn't worth doing!"
 
Smiling again. Sitting on the couch with morning matcha before I take the dogs for a walk. KDog is improved this morning, thank the stars, because last night she was a mess. Put her on small meals of oatmeal and turkey along with metronidazole from the vet. She was also diagnosed with a new golf ball sized lipoma (fatty tumor) which is new. If it grows fast it will have to come out. The slight occasional change in her breathing is not heart or lungs, but rather laryngeal. Old lady stuff. I love her so much, I am glad she seems to be feeling better this morning.

Also, last night an email came though that NDog's potential match is interest in meeting him. She looks good on paper and online, she is an artist and has some ties to a community group based about a mile from where I live. But her home is in a rural area about an hour away in the direction of nothing, so it's not like I can do a casual drive by to check the place out. I have a zoom with her on Monday. It will be empty here without NDog but life will be easier for sure with just one dog to look after. It's not having 2 dogs, it is having special needs.

Breakfast hour: "Wake up wake up! The sun is starting to come up! I need to go out! Barks NDog, the alarm clock." KDog opens one eye and then closes it. So I get up, go pee, and go out in the yard with NDog (because I have a shorter fence). After he is done, we go back in and I start making breakfast for them. I start oatmeal and frozen ground turkey for K, and kibble with Ocarrots and a bit of hot water for N. K still hasn't stirred. I bring K her meds with a small bit of peanut butter. Now she lays up and takes her meds and flops back to snooze while they kick in. I make matcha. N's food is ready so I put that down, he indifferently picks at it and then goes in the front room to pout, K gets up and comes over and eats her brekkie, I play bowl policeman, and then it is time for her to go out. N comes running and all 3 of us go back out in the yard. After she is done, it's back into the house. First I have to get N to go in, which was easy today but sometimes takes a couple of minutes. I secure N and then walk through the out out the front door to fetch K at the side gate because the back stairs are too difficult for her any more. I bring K in the front door and navigate the baby gate. N still hasn't eaten much breakfast so I try again, adding a little oatmeal, then after he picks and walks away I pull his bowl up so K can't get at it when I am distracted. At this point I have not yet had a sip of matcha, so I blow off the dishes accumulating on the counter and sit down to my cooling bowl and grab my tablet come here. I imagine that all took the better part of 40 minutes.

DDog at least at his meals right away and learned to stick to his own bowl. Plus at the time KDog was still doing the back stairs. And so it goes. The Universe is teaching me that I really need to just stick with the plan and cherish KDog for as long as I have her, and not worry about getting another dog to fill the space. Hopefully I will get her into the doggie stroller and it seemed challenging to do this with only one of me and two of them. Plus, orthopedically, KDog needs more attention than she is getting. Laser therapy, or even some injections which were mentioned yesterday.

If all goes well for NDog, he should be in a home within 2 weeks. Maybe before my Dad's BDay party if I am really lucky,
 
Proggy wanted to come up and go to a fest and I really didn't feel like having company or doing much of anything. I have always told him that he is welcome to use the spare bedroom and we don't always have to do stuff together. Today I was nearly in tears of despair for no particular reason when he was talking about coming up and so I simply told him I can't be the entertainment director and he is welcome to come but he can go by himself, He solved it by asking a friend up and then I will go out to dinner with him later. I think having our plans for today mucked up and not going to see my dad, meant I now make a trip to see my dad Weds and then I also would lose my down time. I was also looking for a pet friendly rental for two nights jist to get out of dodge by myself. Didn't find one yet but all of this points to me needing respite and solace.

I also had the kitchen to deal with. Freeze the four pounds of turkey I'd cooked and unload/reload the dishwasher from all the dog stuff. It was a mess. Counters had all kinds of debris on them. At least when his friend rolled though he made a remark about how much cleaner my kitchen is than his.

I also needed to call my dad which I kept letting slip. Peaches had already told him I wasn't coming out, but I still needed to call him.

His friend giraffe helped take the cover off the 2nd AC unit and I got that cleaned out with the hose and plugged in. The house should be cool tonight for sleeping. Check that off the to-do list.

No doubt the heat and the ozone action conditions this week contributed to me being tired also. We didn't get rain here but there was rain just to the south and the thunderheads built up and rolled through. Today is more of a dry summery heat and a breeze has kicked in, so that is hopeful for a walk later.

AN deactivated his social again. Haven't had much contact with S. Just doing my best while trying to take care of myself,
 
Alone time again. Proggy went home around 2:30. I watched a movie then hockey which I Zoomed to him then another movie. He called around 8, and tried to keep me on the phone after I said I didn't want to talk long. I called him out on it. He admitted that he didn't want the weekend to be over and that staying on the phone with me is a way of prolonging it and not having to face the Sunday night dreads. I am not imagining this stuff, it's insidious though, and while I enjoy his company I have to mind my own needs and boundaries. This cycle repeats.

I am glad in any event he went out with Giraffe on Saturday afternoon.

Pleasant morning here.

I have the Zoom call today with an applicant for NDog. I have some reservations about her situation on paper. You get protective about these dogs after you get to know them. As far as I know she has't been offered any of the other dogs. Notes say "she needs easy". I am not sure what that means to her. Easy on leash etc yet. Easy to train, not so much. Plus he loves laying in the grass and she has no fenced yard apparently. So unless she wants to sit outdoors with him on a leash and take him on walks how is that going to work?

I snacked on napoli style pizza picked up with Proggy, and then all the leftovers from the weekend. A lot of food. A taco. Chips and salsa. Breakfast eggs sausage and toast. I monetarily considered doing a 6PM cutoff / 18 hour fast but I feel fairly sure there was something in the evening...oh yeah dark chocolate covered almonds around 7-7:30. I don't know why I am here if I am not even trying.

I need to start the 5 day fast but am struggling with scheduling that too.

I feel quiet again in my outer layers with something at the core which is not in harmony. Maybe after NDog leaves. It is tough to plan things with a second dog. Far easier to have just the one, which KDog needs extra level cooking, stairs, time to walk etc. She had another bout of colitis starting Thurs but thankfully seems to be rebounding quickly. No yogurt for her!
 
Another relatively quiet day, thank the stars! I still feel tired. I had the video meeting with the interested adopter. I think its probably not a fit due to her having a townhouse with steep stairs and she does most of her living on the 2nd floor.

Made an appointment to get hair cut and colored tomorrow. I need the spiff up. Then Weds I go out to see my dad, have dinner, watch hockey. May take the pups, otherwise dinner will get cut short.

Started recall training with NDog today. He does great when I have cheese in my pocket.

Have picked quite a bit of glass out of the areas where the tree stumps were dug up. Have not had much luck figuring out whether certain critters collect bits of glass, whether it is just leftover from owners past. Maybe a they trash pile where the skinny pines were. It was 100 years ago. At least one owner was a plumber, another a magazine editor, and another a master gardener who possibly had a greenhouse. But other than bits of a white ceramic planter, the other bits are just random, green and clear bottle glass, even bits of safety glass. In any event, the neighbors probably think I am nuts (or continuing to be nuts) as I walk around the yard picking up rocks and bits of glass. But it does look like I am making progress in the big scheme of things. And it is such a relaxing activity!
 
it does look like I am making progress in the big scheme of things. And it is such a relaxing activity!
That sounds good :)
 
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