Fiera's Diary

[Fiera]

Busy doing lifey stuff, which is so great considering how shut down I had been.
Still struggling at times with clarity, vision. Eating is better. Inositol seems to be making a difference. Hiked with Guru Doc group on Sat. A good workout including a sizeable hill. I started preventive PT today. It was really difficult to do things which should have been easy and I was nauseous afterward. So I will do it again and again til it gets easier.

The Universe is treating me well I guess. Irish Friend shared some very good health news. A chance to get involved with a specific dog rescue has presented itself. Proggy and I decided to split a music streaming subscription and I am enjoying music more. I even listened to some vinyl a few days ago. Planning a few trips. Hopefully KDog will ok to come with on weekends.

Fasting bloodwork in the morning. Sleep soon.

 

[Llama]

Good to hear from you but even better that fun thing were keeping you occupied. Yay for a bright future!

 

[Fiera]

Thanks LaMa.

Yesterday was a really good day. I got to do the dog rescue thing and made some new friends and contacts. It was something I had envisioned for a long time but I was not one of the people who made it happen this first time. Likely more to come. Tomorrow will likely go out to a fundraiser some of the same people are involved in.

I am doing laundry today. My head feels a bit cluttered again. I am having some trouble paying bills and making a to do list. The past few days I have been off the hormones and vitamins B12 and D3 pending fasting bloodwork. The first morning they didn't have the doctor's order at the lab. The next 2 mornings I had a sleep donut hole and you can't take the test in that case. I don't know when this is going to work, I think anticipating having to run to the lab during the "waking hour" without stirring much is making me wake up. In any event, this is day 5 without B/D and day 3 without hormones. I hope I can get it together because I was invited to put together some things for the next dog rescue opportunity and I have to decide on some kind of secure file sharing structure.

Today I ate an entire 1000 calorie pint of Ben and Jerry's. I went to the store to get pup cups for KDog and some kind of frozen treat for me. Usually I do a nut milk or soy milk based ice cream, as calories and fat are lower. But they were out of anything I wanted and things were so expensive so I picked from B&J because it was on sale, I had not had lunch, just a banana, and a very mindful breakfast. So I just ate it and it was good and I wasn't full and I I just kept eating it and not really caring. It didn't feel like compulsion as much as "oh I have been doing better lately, and because I am going 12 or 14 hours without eating" (past few nights for fasting bloodwork and I do not wake up hungry) I have been eating more of what I want when I want between 4 and 6:30 because I more than have the calories, plus being more active and losing a few pounds etc. I went through several excuses for "treating myself" because it was easier than thinking about reasons for stopping, Bottom line - if it is a binge food and it is in the house, I eat it. I KNOW this. I need to just go to the ice cream shop and get A SINGLE scoop.

Anyway KDog enjoyed her pup cup and I enjoyed my ice cream. That plus brekkie plus banana gets me around 1350 IN for the day, Walked KDog a mile. Did stairs a few times. So maybe 1250 NET. I should be about done but I will maybe have some protein before 6PM cutoff. It is humid and hot, Peaking now so just put A/C on. Relief and storms are coming in a few hours.

I have to get caught up on bills, and all sorts of tasks.

I had a good talk with Curly Bubbly today. Talked about my EOL plan. Feeling some strange release that the feared scenario with losing my retirement funds is actually happening (at least I can stop fearing it right); it seems to be freeing me up more to just live in the today. I finally broached topic of did she have a dx for me. She told me openly what her thoughts were, several ideas, nothing definitive, and she wasn't sure it matters at my age anyway as long as we treat symptoms and improve QOL. I guess I agree with that to a point. Maybe there just aren't going to be crisp, certain answers. After what I have experienced the last week or two, combined with what she said today and thinking back on my history, I know that when I take care of myself, eat right, exercise, get sunshine, and prioritize my own needs thar I do better and I feel better. So maybe its really not that I will find answers in the psych realm as much as I will in the holistic health realm.

Remember what the Indigo Girls said so many years ago...the less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine. It has been nice lately just Doing and Feeling more and less trying to figure it all out.

I am pretty sure I am not supposed to eat an entire pint of B&J in any scenario. I am a bit surprised I am not bouncing off the walls from processed sugar TBH. As always, self-flagellation doesnt really serve me at this point in my life, I know I can do better and I can still end this day with doing my PT exercises, keeping remaining intake focused, catching up on paperwork, and getting a good nights' sleep.

CW= 175.3 BMI 32.1

 

[Llama]

I agree that chasing a diagnosis when you can access the therapy and support you need anyway can be a waste of energy at some point. The better your coping strategies are, the harder it is to get a decent diagnosis.
Fingers crossed you can avoid the sleep donut holes so you can get that bloodwork done snd start taking your meds again. Got any spare LEGOs you could spread around the kitchen?

 

[Fiera]

Ha ha ha on the Lego's. Not a bad strategy at least in front of the fridge/cabinets.

I ran out of time and didn't eat protein during my window before 6PM. As a result I cracked and ate some chips/salsa and then pizza. Moving on then...

My feet have been killing me and everything is SO tight as evidenced by PT the other day. Soaking my feet this morning helped pretty quickly - for a while. Then I remembered my foam roller and we reintroduced ourselves. Quads, glutes, hip flexors. Hurts so good. Now I am using the little hard ball I have for targeted release on my feet. It has been 3 years since these tools were part of my daily life and there is a bit of a relearning curve. But so glad I have tools and help to keep going.

Separately - WHY do people volunteer for a team project and then fail to actively communicate? I have 7 volunteers and everyone else has responded to a simple information request from both me and the director in a few hours. The last girl did show up at the event but otherwise is not responding. Am realizing how tasks pile up when you don't or can't act on them quickly. And non profits rely on volunteers and you have to always be positive and supportive but I can see how it becomes necessary to sort of align with people who on board with moving at a faster pace.

 

[Llama]

It has been 3 years since these tools were part of my daily life and there is a bit of a relearning curve. But so glad I have tools and help to keep going.

Great that you have the knowledge and the tools!
I guess the woman who's technically a volunteer but doesn't actually do anything needs either very specific tasks or none at all if you want to avoid putting in more work than you're getting out.

 

[Fiera]

Yep. I need to get to know her a bit better and see if this is just a blip or typical. The director hand-selected the people for this event. The information request would take less than 30 seconds to respond to and is actually delaying our response to another group involved in the event. She gets 3 more hours then I am sending if off without her.

 

[Fiera]

Sent things off to the director with the woman's email as a placeholder and 10 minutes later the woman got back to me apologizing. She had missed the initial request from the director - and then apparently had not been back online in the interim. So I was able to send out an update and close out the task, putting the next step in the hands of the team in another state.

This and other recent opportunities evoked thinking about having a "bias towards action". I historically collect all the facts and sit back and mull things over until the best possible solution comes forward. But how quickly things can pile up when you are waiting for perfection and certainty. I have known for a while now that making decisions was something I needed to get better at. What wasn't so obvious is how much the depression was making it impossible....because you lose intuition, gut instinct, understanding of what is and isn't going to have downstream ramifications. When your neurons are not firing, you can't think and it is NOT your fault. The good news is that things seem to be working better. Slowly, but it is adding up.

I guess I will also take this as an opportunity to try to remember this when approaching other people. If someone is having a hard time, due to grief or loss, it doesn't just mean that they are sad. It means that they truly just aren't capable of thinking things through. They aren't themselves is not just in demeanor or appearance, They really AREN'T functioning,

When I look at what happened in my journey, There was a period of about 3 years in 2008-2010 when I was doing well. The things which contributed to my downfall were collateral effects of my divorce, TB, booze, being manically busy, juggling people/relationships, becoming less physically active, and probably quitting my antidepressant somewhere in there. From there I lost my status at work, and I never regained it; then the bullying started anew. Then the Stinger project nightmare, L's death in early 2018, and the long ugly and depressed breakup with my employer.

I don't think my old therapist ever really saw the arc of what was happening, Or maybe she did and she just thought it was garden variety growth. It wasn't until L died and there was a rush of everything I had been holding back did I finally start to grieve and mourn the loss of my marriage to my best friend. I don't know about other people, but when my world is on fire in both the arena of relationships/social supprt and work relationships/performance, and the physical structure of my home was mysteriously degrading...there wasn't any place that felt like "home" or a safe space.

I know that I am doing much better now and I pray that I will continue to keep doing better. Any time I can see the "arc" of my story and get perspective on it, I find that centering,

Also, Proggy was up here yesterday. We went to the dog fundraiser with KDog and it was fun in spite of the rain. Then to a craft show near the lake, so we got takeout from C---...grilled octopus with rapini and mushroom ravioli in cream sauce w fresh baked bread. Yummy.

Today we plan to take in the rest of the craft show and then I don't what before he goes home. If I don't get some real exercise/stretching it will be a problem so I am going to go do some foam rolling now while I brew coffee.

I want to note that I lashed out angrily, explosively at him yesterday twice. Once was when I was parallel parking the car in a tight spot, and he offered to jump out and "help". The later one was when he was prattling on about a certain venue when I was actively saying NOT LH and had the name of the other one just within grasp from some long lost reaches of my memory. The commonality is that both times he interrupted my deep concentration. Of course I apologized. I wonder if being off the hormones has given me trigger-temper. But I actually am delighted that I had two instances of deep concentration in one day to even interrupt. Ha.

 

[alligatorob]

..grilled octopus with rapini and mushroom ravioli in cream sauce w fresh baked bread

That does sound good! I like grilled octopus but rarely get it.

A chance to get involved with a specific dog rescue has presented itself

Good for you! All of my dogs have been rescue in one way or another. They make good pets.

WHY do people volunteer for a team project and then fail to actively communicate?

Because a lot of us volunteer for things we believe we ought to be doing, not necessarily what we really want to do? Just a guess...

Once was when I was parallel parking the car in a tight spot, and he offered to jump out and "help".

I am a terrible parallel parker, unless there are 3 empty spots in a row I rarely try. Could have used that help. I suspect the guy would have been quite surprised if you had accepted his offer!

Hey Fiera, I did read back a little in your diary, but didn't really find a food plan, do you have one?

 

[Llama]

I know that I am doing much better now and I pray that I will continue to keep doing better. Any time I can see the "arc" of my story and get perspective on it, I find that centering

I like that. Progress is the main thing. Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.

 

[Fiera]

Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.

Yes! This is an achilles heel of mine. That's where there concept of "bias toward action" helps. I can make good (but not optimal) decisions most of the time, or I can keep letting everything pile up and I end up juggling soooo much stuff and getting overwhelmed and not getting anything moved forward.

And AlligatorRob - thank you for visiting and for your comments. I guess my food plan is:
1100-1200 NET calories per day (usually 1200-1350 IN less exercise OUT)
Keep ice cream, chips, cookies etc OUT of the house
Work on getting more greens and fruits in my diet
Think ahead + portion control when dining/ordering out (failure to plan is a plan to fail)

Is this what you meant?

I had a huge binge eating problem every single night. Something my doc recently tweaked - I think adding NAC primarily to get my sense of smell back - has helped a lot in that department. I find if I don't snack at night that I can delay eating the next morning and not be hungry. It's a pretty amazing feeling to go from 6P to 10A or noon without eating and not have my brain sending me food compulsion signals all the time. It frees up my cognition to work on other things.

I also have some goals to get some level of fitness going. There is a 5K run/walk in August and a hiking trip in mid sept. I just started PT as a preventive measure to help avoid injury. I have to get feet/orthotics sorted out though, they are getting in the way.

 

[Fiera]

I called Jif consumer support this morning and just left the speakerphone in the kitchen run while on hold. I have one of the recall jars and while I get that the govt wants us to "throw it out" I want to see if I can get a coupon for a replacement jar. It has been about an hour (I have been doing dishes, making breakfast, journaling etc.) Still the on hold music of flutes and oboes is starting to get stuck in my head. Funny thing is, I recognize it from being on hold with other companies in the past, it's like they share a subscription to the same on-hold software provider, and the music hasn't been changed in 15 years. There is probably a thread somewhere on the internet where someone has compiled the on-hold-music of various companies (because: internet). lol.

OK I am outta here...,gotta shower then off to orthopedic doc.

 

[Fiera]

Oh, Weight this morning was under 175 again, 174.7.
I had committed to do a 6 mile hike by the end of May. If my feet can hold up I expect to do that Sat morning.

 

[Fiera]

Bingge eaters: You may want to read this to get an idea about NAC and discuss with your doctor. I took NAC for another purpose but I believe it is the critical change which made my food compulsion almost entirely disappear in the space of a couple of weeks. If not the sole driver, it has been a key component,

https://neurosparkle.com/nac/

 

[Llama]

Huh, maybe that's why I've been feeling more satisfied with my food since adding in more seeds.

 

[Fiera]

This is like the 7th or 8th night in a row with sleep donut hole. I am sure it is related to going off and then back on the hormones. Since going back on for two days I have had several hot flashes plus a stretch where I could not get warm. It seems I am all mixed up. Hopefully I will reset soon. Ain't got no time for this.

My feet are in pain after being off them for a couple of hours. It is really shocking how incapacitating foot can be. I never really understand what it is like to live with a problem until I have it myself. Like having trouble with vision. Yesterday I asked twice for help finding an item in the market in part because continuing to search with blurry vision was exhausting. I never really imagined being a typical old person, because I feel like a lot of it is about attitude and staying sharp. But losing your capabilities in some way you cannot simply "muscle" your way out of through sheer determination. Sobering. Well my mom started having her health issues at the age I am now. You think you have time, and you do, until you don't.

I guess this is why I have to keep pressing on with the trips I have in mind and even add more. I imagined that I had 20 years of good active life left. Now I am finding I cannot assume I will have the capabilities that I have now. Medicine can fix a lot of things. Why they cannot fix night blindness after all this time is just stupid.

Enough rumination on that.

Hot flash. Eyeroll. Laugh.

Lather, rinse repeat.

I have PT today and I get to see my dad later and watch his hockey team. I will bring KDog. Maybe we will stay overnight, since they finally have a fit-for-purpose guest bed.

6 mile hike planned for Sat though I fear since it is a meetup that there will be dilly dallying and I won't get my miles in. We will see.

 

[Llama]

Why they cannot fix night blindness after all this time is just stupid.

Depending on what's causing it they can. If it's due to retinitis pigmentosa you're probably shit outta luck but if myopia, cataracts, glaucoma meds, or vitamin A deficiency are to blame those are things you can work on.

 

[Fiera]

Depending on what's causing it they can. If it's due to retinitis pigmentosa you're probably shit outta luck but if myopia, cataracts, glaucoma meds, or vitamin A deficiency are to blame those are things you can work on.

I hope so. I am having so many problems right now. The opthamalogists I picked have about a six month wait time so I have an appointment with a youngish one who seems promising and got a "rising star" type recognition from her peers. I see her in about 10 days.

The first time I went to an opthamalogist was in 2018 after I developed sudden blurriness in my left eye while on a business trip in Portugal. I was afraid to go for eye care down there (and we were in a rather remote resort location as well) so I got a appointment lined up after I got off the plane to have it checked urgenty in case I was having detaching retina or something. The guy was such a jerk and got angry that I wasted his time and stormed around wanting to know who on his staff had booked me in. I will never forget that,

I went to a different one in 2020 after I noticed that one eye was seeing colors slightly differently than the other, and also having some dryness. Again this was prominent during a trip to FL. There was some question on whether they could perform one of the tests, something about an opening being too narrow? In any event they scanned me and said they saw nothing of note other than dry eyes.

The last year at the regular eye doc I really pressed her, On the colors thing, the glares and halos at night, the dry eyes, The inconsistent blurriness in both eyes, All garden variety aging, she said. Use rewetting drops.

Now the glares and halos are even worse. I am having to use a flash light to read in dim light. The glare in daylight even on cloudy days is so bad I am having to wear sunglasses all the time. It was painful to try to watch a movie as there is a cloud of white glare all around the screen. Colors are looking washed out esp in left eye. I am starting to feel like I am slow to process what I am seeing, or maybe I am slow to focus? And the dry eyes and changing blurriness.

My dad was just diagnosed with a hereditary condition which correlates to a lot of this. But we will see. It sucks that it is starting to impact my plans...can I road trip if I cannot see at night? Is it getting too risky to be out hiking on trails where I could fall down a hill or over an edge? I hope that I can start getting some real answers. And for now, I am still making plans.

I realize only an opthamologist is going to be able to help me. This post is more about making notes before my appt I think. Now I am all set on that.

 

[Llama]

The guy was such a jerk and got angry that I wasted his time and stormed around wanting to know who on

What an absolute prick! Sudden changes in your vision are super scary so of course you want to get them checked out right away.

Now the glares and halos are even worse.

I had that after my eye surgeries 20 years ago. Doc said it was a side effect of the surgery and basically the same as cataracts but it mostly cleared up. I've always had a slight difference in color perception between my left and right eye, even as a kid. As you say though: only a doctor can really say anything useful here. I hope your next ophthalmologist is a decent human being who takes your concerns seriously and takes the time to explain things.

 

[Fiera]

Busy and fun long holiday weekend. It is hot here and between that and PT today I am postponing my 6 mile walk til tomorrow.

Sat I had a hike in the AM, about 4.5miles, and woman came with from women's club, and we met up with some others at the birding cliff. After that I took KDog for about a mile walk around a nearby park/wetland restoration where we saw tons of turtles and a sleeping homeless person. Proggy drove up after and came to a 60th bday party with me. It was pretty fun but my feet/legs/ankles were killing me and I couldn't stand, so I just sat in one place and didn't make the rounds as well as I normally would have. I ate cheese and other junk at the party because they were in front of me and dinner was not until later. I also had snacks before heading over because dinner was going to be later and I was afraid of being hungry. Afraid. Really. Subconsciously. Not because a rumbling tummy is awful. It's because of the fixation and compulsion which kicks in so hard that you cannot pay attention to what is going on around you.

Sun was a 2M walk with Proggy and KDog the woods, a visit to a niche furniture store a small street fest which we left after about an hour. Neither or us had momentum in the evening to make it to a bar with music and/or patio, but it was nice sitting outside, so we grabbed my bluetooth speaker and he grabbed some whisky and we sat in my back yard for a couple of hours listening to music. It was too windy for a firepit but it was very pleasant enjoying the yard - really enjoying and appreciating it, for the first time in ages, without the anxieties in the way. It isn't like the problems have all gone away. I am just compartmentalizing them now and focusing more on things I need to do to heal myself.

Monday I made Proggy a breakfast sandwich then he went on his way before 9:30. I guilted myself into taking Dog to the woods because she was begging for a walk. But I knew it would be the end of any plan for my own 6 mile walk. The heat and humidity were really brutal and she even laid down for a spell on the way back to the car. It is my fault for not getting up at 6 so I could walk her early. But I hadn't slept well and then everything was a downstream effect. I had a roast beef sub with chips and a big cookie after walking KDog. Later I grilled chicken and had that in a bowl of salad greens with a bit of ranch dressing and avocado. Decent way to moderate. And if that was it before bed it would have been fine. But around 9 or 10 Monday evening I binge ate some pad thai and some brie/nuts/choc/cranberries. 600-700 calories. I don't even think I was hungry so much as it has become my ritual to have a full belly to go to sleep. Like it is a comfort thing or something?

Other updates: Last week I finally slept IN my bed a few times, and so Proggy took the guest room this weekend. I want it to be comfortable, and I need to fix some things. Like it needs blackout curtains - the neighbor's security light was stuck on all night as well, and I need to get on a ladder and see if there is a leaf on the sensor or something.
The neighbor finally put an extension on his long gutter but it still does not run quite all the way past my garage. I will give him another week or so and see how it does in thr rain and if I need to I will either buy a flexible extension or sandbag the last bit so it channels out all the way . Hopefully this will fix the water getting into the garage and rusting things out.

Proggy has been either making more micro judgements lately or I am becoming more aware of them. Considering that is a quality I would like to curb in myself I really don't want to fall into those types of conversations so easily. There is plenty else to talk about in this world, things to learn. Something to work on.

Here is a hard reality. I still like to eat. In fact, I am stubborn in my denial that I am sabotaging myself. Why do I in the space of a couple of minutes let all my hard work and exercise of the day go to waste? The fact is that I cannot exercise my way to weight loss. I can exercise my way to MAINTAIN, at least until my body finally gives out entirely. I have no choice. If I want to reclaim my body, my freedom of movement, my ability to shop for clothing, and my sense of my best self: I.HAVE.GOT.TO.CONFRONT.MY.DISORDERED.EATING.

Seems like a good place to stop.