EwAshActin's Diary

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ewashactin

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So, here's the deal.....last I checked I weighed close to 200 pounds, 5'5", 19-years-old, which is EXTREMELY hard for me to admitt. I gained alittle more because my P.C.O.S. symptoms were flairing up and new meds were a problem. I would like to lose at least 70 pounds...I don't know if that is realistic or not. I will try whatever method works. I have done everything, and all that has worked now is medication and as little food as possible. I get really depressed because often I get the advise that something is sure to work, I do it and get my hopes up and it doesn't make a dent. Even with P.C.O.S. I should be able to lose weight now that I'm treated for it, however, little seems to be working, except for doing my best to starve myself, which I could never fully do. My best is the one meal a day, with milk along the way plan. Right now, I just need a lot of encouragement, adive, and REAL facts on how to do this. Right now I'm losing weight, mostly because of not eating and hopefully from the metformin. I'm trying to get the reccomended calcium a day (via Fitness magazine) that helps weight loss. The true test well be Thanksgiving. I doubt I'll eat that much because I'm going to a friends house where there will be a lot of people. I get too self-concious to eat much when around people, other than my mother. Especially because her brother use to randomly call me fat. He's younger, and I sort of get the idea that he does it in a way that he does to his other two sisters (who are NOT fat), b/c he views me like a sister and just thinks it won't really bother me. It does though. It REALLY does. And I don't feel comfortable saying it does to him either. He wouldn't really listen if I did. So I'm just hoping that I can pass off a certain level of thinness to look descent. We'll see......oh man! And I definitely had a dream last night that I got some polaroids taken of me and some firends and I was soooo upset b/c I looked huge compared to everyone else........*sigh*......We'll see. Right now, drinking a cup of O.J. for a wopping 85mlg of calcium. I'll check in with everone else later.
 
Be careful, okay babe? I'd hate to see you fall into some of the shit I've dealt with.
Also, the calcium is great. One thing I've always severely lacked in is calcium.
Though, I read recently that they're finding out it may not affect weight loss as much as we recently thought - that the difference is only about 2 pounds in the long run. However, getting the right ammount of nutrients is so important. I take a multivitamin (children's, but still) every day, and have been debating trying some calcium supplements, because I am in fact so low in that.
Good luck!!
 
Thanks so much for the concern :) I am trying to be careful, but losing weight is such a good feeling sometimes it's hard to stop. I don't think I could ever completely STOP eating. I like food too much. But not eating for a day helps shrink my stomache. Meh. I can't wait to excersie again though, that will really help. Now that you mentioned it, I need to keep on a schedule with my vitamines. I use to take um everyday, but because of all the other pills I am taking now, I forget sometimes. Thanks again! Your support really helps! Cheers.
 
Crap! I ate 3 oreo cookies!!!! That's 7grams of fat and who knows how many calories. I was going to just try and justify it to myself by saying, "Well, I haven't eaten anything else today so three oreos and dinner later should be okay." Now I feel really bad. I can't bring myself mentally to eat dinner. I could eat, but my stomache doesn't hurt since I ate those. The only way to make up for my loss is to not eat anything more. I'll have some more milk.

After I started writing in here I wrote in my livejournal about it and a good friend of mine who I've known for years, just told me she has an eating disorder. I didn't know it, but I can't say I'm surprised. She was never over-weight, just average, but after high school and now in her sophmore year of college, she got really thin. And she was always saying she was on a diet. I never really took her completely seriously b/c it seemed like she ate things when I was with her, she just talked about being on a diet all the time. *Sigh* again, at least she's losing weight starving herself. I don't think it's working for me.
 
Babe, 3 oreos is only like 200 calories, I'm almost positive. That's barely anything at all.You should be totally fine. Please be careful with not eating - I totally understand the viewpoint, but I just did a lot of damage to myself by going down that path.
My heart will probably never get fully normal, and it will occasionally max out at about 180 beats per minute - and drop to 50 the next.
My health is shot, my immune system weak, and I'm developing anemia and pre-mature arthritis...
You don't want to mess with this stuff.
I rearlly, seriously hope your friend is okay. If she ever needs to talk, I know I'm a total stranger, but I'm here. The same goes to you, of course. My door is always open.

Edit:
3 Oreos are 160 calories total.
 
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Thanks for the oreo count. That makes me feel better. And i'll pass the message on to my friend. Ditto to you if u ever need help!
 
So last night I did something that I thought was really good for myself as I seemed to be on this kick of going to support forums. I went to PCOS support.org. It was amazing! I got really great advice on how to lose weight and I got to talk to other girls who struggled with the same symptoms as I did. The problem with PCOS and weight is that even if you diet and exercise right, without the proper medication you can't lose any weight, you only steadily gain it. This one girl as she ate like a bowl of chinese soup and her dad told her that someone as fat as her shouldn't eat that much. Then later when she asked her parents to take her to get some job applications her dad told her that no one was going to hire someone as fat as her. I felt so bad for her! She couldn't help her weight because she hadn't been treated yet. Now that she is, I referred her here b/c I think this is a great place to get support.

So I downloaded a food chart from the PCOS site that helps keep tract of my food and how I feel about eat at that time and my hunger scale (as the problem with insulin levels tend to make PCOS patience crave food more). I'm excited and I'm more motivated today to go out and exercise, which I'm going to do right after I finish here!

So far today though, I'm still on my milk and one meal a day diet. I've had 8oz of skim milk along with a Phentomine pill. I'm getting really paronoid about eating, which kinda scares me. On one hand, I'm worried about eating meals because of all the calories, but on the other hand I'm worried about NOT eating meals b/c my body might build up fat if I don't eat enough calories....everyone tells me something different on the weightloss front. I dunno. I'm now a little more paronoid too about my friend who has an eating disorder. I've actually had a couple of them in the past. Problem is that they are all so thin and they STILL think they're overweight....What do they think of ME then???? :confused:
 
I never once thought down on someone else, no matter if they were larger than me, when I thought down about myself for my weight. Also, I typically would tell you that a girl who is maybe 180 pounds was the same size as me when I was at roughly 120 or so. It's just all very distorted. I'd never think down on anyone else for their weight.
 
So I just got finished working out and my head hurts and I feel like I'm gonna through up. I haven't felt like this in a long time. Last was maybe in elementary school when we had to do those mile runs for the physical fitness tests twice a year. Does anyone know what that means??? Also, when I check my heart rate while I'm doing cardio it usually peaks over 200. This times it never went below 200. It was between 209 and 220. Is this really bad??? I'm not sure what my heart rate should be?
 
So I just got home from driving in crazy traffic. And I treated myself to one oreo. Here's my problem...well two specifically. Apparently my irregular insulin levels cause me to crave certain types of food so much that I almost won't be comfortable unless I have some. So I'm just limiting my dose. The other is that I'm broke and saving up for school in Feb. so I pretty much only get to get what my mom buys. And she usually buys a lot of pastas or pizza b/c she works all day and it's cheaper and faster. I know she feels bad about it, but sometimes she just can't afford to get the sliced chicken and whole wheat bread, and just has to by the $4 pizza. So this might explain further my one meal a day thing. B/c the pizza is so fattening that it should balance out for not having the calories earlier. The only problem now is that it would be better to have my meal in the morning and burn it off throughout the day instead of at night when my motabolism is slower. The good thing though is that not eating all day also has made my stomache shrink so that along with Phentamine prevents me from gorging on alot of food. Maybe one or two slices of pizza. So that's my dinner tonight.
 
You know what I do on a college students budget that I like a lot and might work for you? I buy a bag of whole wheat pasta and a couple cans of mixed vegetables. Then I typically take about half a can of vegetables and half a cup of pasta and mix them together, for something kinda like pasta primavera, lol. Then I take the other half a cup of pasta and half a can of vegetables and put it in the fridge. The next day, I pour a bit of fat free italian dressing over it, and presto! Pasta salad!
Two easy and CHEAP meals, as together it's still only about $1.
 
So I've gotten so tired all of a sudden. My mom put the pizza in and I went to lay down and couldn't get up for an hour. The pizza is sitting out and there are two pieces left. I'm totally conflicted. On one hand, I'm not extremely hungery and I feel like if I don't eat then I'll lose more weight...on the other hand and I have problems with this all the time is that when I don't eat food that is made I feel like it's so wasteful and that I'll never get the chance to eat it again, so I better do it while I have the chance...I guess I'll just eat it. It's only 1-2 pieces, right? I mean, it will be that, two glasses of milk, and one oreo that I've had today. I feel bad b/c all that except for the milk is so fattening. That's y I have to cut back on everything else to make up for it. *sigh* I am sooooooo tired!! I feel like going back to sleep, but I totally didn't get up this morning until noon...
 
I read all of your post today,...and I like the transition in your thought processs, I see a positive change. Keep it up!

Listen to that body it is telling you something!!!!!

As you know our body needs calories ...(like duh)... but those calories need nutrients in them as well. Where is the fruit, the veggies, the protein, giving your body what it is needing to start functioning? I am sounding like such a mom here,... but eat your veggies kiddo!!!!! These foods probably less calories than the oreo and pizza and will fill you up better and help keep the blood sugar more stable which will make you feel much better. You know this stuff already, right? Its all about the choices we make.
I also want to suggest frozen veggies (oriental bag) if prepared correctly are not soggy and they they are less expensive than fresh and they have the same nutritional value, rice is inexpensive and you might like to try brown rice, buying chicken frozen in family packs is less expensive and you can take out one or two breast, stir fry them with the veggies on rice, with a lil asian sauce.....quick easy and good for you. You and your mom can eat healthy together which would be great support to you.
PS moms love it when their kids do the cooking once in awhile, and she might be more willing to share the cooking when she doesnt have to be the one to do it all the time after work. Plus it will prepare you for when you leave to go to school.
 
Thanks Jennifer so much for the positive messages! Yeah, I know I need to eat the fruits and veggies, as sad as this is, there really aren't any in my house! Actually I have very minimal food at the moment which is prolly why I am not eating as much. My alternatives are just junk food. We have the oreos b/c I'm making decorated Thanksgiving cookies for everyone with them, normally we don't have them in the house. The pizza was actually from like four days ago, and pretty much anything else there was to eat was pastas (I had already had that twice this week for dinner...don't want to overload on them). Good news is that my mom is going shopping soon and I told her to get me some apples and celery, which I usually keep around. She has been talking about eating healthier dinners, sometimes we do, problem is, my mom is not very good at keep on a healthy diet all the time. She gets horrible cravings for salthy foods, especially chips, so when she can't help it she buys them. My dad too is ALWAYS buying take out when I'm at his house!!! What sucks is that he is soooooooooo skinny! Like he has the fastes motabolsim I have ever seen. So where ever he gets us dinner, it's always a burger place. I try to get like the chicken sandwhich or something, but I still feel bad. Then he offers me cookies, and when I tell him no thanks, he sort of guilts me into eating them by saying, "I bought them for you. You're not going to eat them?" So I do, then he says, "Eating like this is why you don't lose weight." Then he is constantly grabbing the fat on my body, like that makes me feel better! *sigh* Man, sorry this turned into a long response! I'm sure it's ovious by now that I am a tangent thinker :p But thank you so much for reading my entries and letting me know the differences you notice, it means a lot and it helps me soooo much! And hey, I don't mind if you sound like a mom, who can't use an extra one of those, right? :)
 
I am glad you are taking what I am saying with the best intent. I remember being 19 and that is when my wieght changed, so I have alot of empathy for you. Sometimes just knowing that somebody is listening, cares and most of all understands or at least wants to understand what is going on is what we need to turn things around. ITs easier to bare a problem if you share it with somebody else. Keep on that positive track, your getting there!!!!! I will write more later,....gotta run for now :)
 
Again, no real healthy food in the house. I took all my pills plus a multi-vitamine (which I'm trying to do more regularly now). Went to work out, but had to wlk there in the snow (it's snowing like crazy here!) which got me wet and cold. When I got there I could only do the cardio for about 20min. instead of my normal 35, my stamina wasn't good today. Heart rate was a bit lower than yesterday whic makes me a bit happier. I came back, no milk so I drank what was left of the O.J., which was about 4oz. Now, I just and a single piece of white bread. We have no wheat. Staying away from the cookies today. If I'm hungry, I'm just gonna try and drink something. I'm going to my friends house to go sledding with her family. Hey, I know I'm 19 and she's 20, but it's still totally fun! Plus I figure maybe it will make up for some of the excersize I lost out on earlier.
 
So, mom came home with some milk so got to about 4oz of that when My friend came over to pick me up. I passed on the sweets there (i.e. cookies, hot chocolete). It's always easier for me to not eat when others are there because it makes me self-concious. We sledded for half an hour with her sister and family friend. I ate dinner over there; it was weird because usually her mom is such a health nut but this is what I had. one small breaded chicken strip (white brest meat), one dinner roll, a hand full of french fries, and some apple juice. I know I said that I wasn't going to eat any cookies, but I have to stay up late to do work so I will endulge myself with three oreos. I never have them in the house so it is a treat.
 
I know what you mean about your dad. My mom was always down on me about my weight. And still is. I know its hard to do, but you should try to tell your dad your fellings. I have said something to my mom and it seems like she doesn't comment as much. I always tried to ignore what my mom said or did but it never worked. It just lead me to fell very bad or overeat. I now its hard to eat healthy. I have struggled along most of my life. And it seems like healthier food is more expensive. But I suggest you eat as healthy as you can. I'm not a healthy eater but I try to get in as much fruit and veggies as I can. And don't come down on yourself. You can also make the best of what you have. If you can, ask your mom to get part of the pizza with veggies only or just cheese and maybee thin crust. Pizza is actually not as bad for you as you think. Also another suggestion (what I do), for your pizza is to take a paper towel to get some of the oil off. This sheds some of the fat off and maybee it will help you not to feel soo guilty when you do eat pizza. lol. Hope this helps.
 
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