Dani's Diary

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Dani_rugby_baby

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ok, im not sure if this is how you start a diary but here goes anyways. My name is Daniela I am 18 years old.
In feb of 2005 I weighed 198lbs, and I am 5foot 5inches.
i have been a fat kid almost all of my life. I had let my weight issues and my bad self image make my choices for me.
i guess i allowed myself to get caught up in a dead end relationship. He wasnt anyone special, he was just the first guy to call me beautiful, to say i was sexy in any way. I guess i understand why girls with bad self image will date anyone, they are suckers for a little love.
I spent almost year with this guy, who i can call by his name, kyle, since i dont know anyone on this site. and when he was feeling the same thing i was, restlessness, he had the guts to split.
i felt the same, but i was insecure, and i felt that if he didnt love me then no one else could, or ever would.
so despite not feeling the love myself, his dumping me was a big big blow.
i developed an eating disorder.
i was never oficially diognosed, but i was throwing up every morning, involuntarily gaging on my toothbrush. when i get depressed i get too nervous to eat and then too nervous to keep anything consumed down for long, the mere thought of my toothbrush on my tounge made me gag. basicially, for me, happy = fat, depressed= skinny.
so 2 months after being dumped i had dumped 30 pounds off my body and down the sink. but i couldnt go on being depressed, so i literally went boyfriend hunting, and i found one.
i was dating derek for4 months, and i wasnt gaining anyweight. i was dieting like crazy, maxing out at 500 calories at most andi wasnt exercising. i was dropping 4-5 pounds every couple of days. i was in a dead end relationship that was emotionally and physically draining. depressed=skinny remember.
so i decided to take action. i got rid of the mistake as i like to call him now, and stopped searching for a quick fix boyfriend. i started eating and i began to exercise, at least an hour a day. i began to hang out with my friends more, realizing i had spent a summer away from them.
i met my current boyfriend some time in 2004 but we never became close until last summer, when i started to hang out with my friends more. i wasnt lonely anymore and i wasnt looking for a boyfriend so i think we came together naturally.
he makes me happy, and he has since we started going out, thus i gained weight, lol. but thats ok. i think i am the healthiest now then ive ever been before. i weigh 155, i play rugby twice a week, i run most nights, and when i dont i cycle and weight train in my basement.
the only problem right now is that i am taking these weight loss/energy pills that helped me loose 10 pounds last week. and im not exactly thrilled that ive resorted to pills but if they help jmp start me out of a rut that im in then i dont regret them. i guess im no ones fav, person, since i dont seem dedicated enough to loose weight without throwing up or taking pills, but im taking control of my life again, im exercising and im active for once and im taking responcibility for me.
so yea
i just wanted to say my story, even if no one is reading, i think it'll help to write a journal.
Later
Dani
the attached pictureis me last x-mas on my vacation, around my rebound of weight, hopefully ill have an updated pic of me soon
 

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Hi Dani
welcome to fitness:O)
u are so close to your goal already in great shape,u are all success best of luck
sadie
 
i just read your whole post,u are beutiful as much as i can see,sometimes stupidheads cant see how beautiful a person is inside,

a skinny girl can be bitchy,stupid and hard to live with,on the other hand a girl who had a bad self image will give all of the love she can to a guy who is willing to love her for what she is,after all its love which makes the bond stronger not body/weight.

i am Glad that u are loved now,and your BF appreciates u,u deserve it
hugs
 
Welcome to the forum - I'd say it's not your body that you need to train up but rather your mind/will. As you said in your post - drop the pills, they're just a crutch/a placebo and they take away from the value of your accomplishment. I think you lost weight because you believed in their effects, not from any benefit of their own. And also, guess what - you're where you're at today because of YOUR hard work and dedication, not because of popping some pills. The outside will never help you (that includes boyfriends, pills etc) like you can on the inside. I think it's up to each one of us to shape reality as we see fit - I see myself as fat, and I become fat (if I'm not fat already). I see myself as strong and fit, and I become that way by imposing my will on the world (aka, exercising and healthy eating habits). Question is, who do you want to be today?
 
thanks

thank you everyone who has responed so warmly to my first entry. its nice to see friendly people are on this site, ive tried other forums for fitness and there was a lot of rudenss and if you werent already a body builder you were like dirt to the people already at their goals.
i do, however, disagree with you stingo. These pills have made a difference, even if its a temporary one. And i will use this as a stepping stone, not a quick fix.
your words on training my body...your preaching to the choir. Although i dont depend on my current boyfriend for reassurance, he helps me feel good about my progress. and i think that in itself helps me feel llike i can go on.
i learned before i began going out with Justin (my current bf) to be alone and still feel the self worth that i deserve. It was only when i learned this that i felt like i could date again and that i felt like making my choices to be healthy and not just thin.
so thank you, i know your words are meant to be motivating
 
i think ive learned to listen to my body, if its telling me im hungry, i feed it. i used to ignore hunger pangs just to fit in a certain number of calories. not anymore
 
damn ER

i spent most of the night with my boyfriend in the waiting room of the Orangeville ER. His father hurt his back and he was in so much pain he couldnt drive himself to the hospital. So after work, around 11, my boyfriend picked me up. i had a good day until last night, i had mini wheats for breakfast, fruit throughout the day, a chicken (deli sliced fat free chicken) whole wheat sandwich, and a tuna wrap with mayo and lettus. Then around 1130 we had to get food and it ended up being mcdonalds. And i feel like **** now. i have my semi final rugby game tonight and im hoping to invent some energy for it soon.:)
so ive decided not to ever weigh myself again ever.
wont happen but would be ideal, its like my weight misses me after a few days and shows up again boo scale. boo.
 
its been almost a month since i last posted. oops
not much has been going on in my life, well except school started.
i will not gain the freshman 20 for one reason only, i do not have enough money to buy fast food and junk food. i cant afford it. so im packing a lunch everyday, today it is:
ham sandwich on whole wheat with a bit og low fat mayo
small tunna snack pack with like 6 crackers
and three small plums
my breakfast was a bagel with butter(guilty with the butter i know)
and water.
i didnt get to be very active yesturday, we went to about 20 different used cars lots and sat in at least 50 different cars. so i was exhausted oh well tonight
 
Thanksgiving success

im so happy that i made it through thanksgiving without over eating. I never thought it was possible i had turkey, white meat only, with my mom's homemade and uber healthhy cranberry sauce and corn, not even the cream corn, plain old corn.
i had to table spoons of stuffing and i tried one of the mini cheesecake cupcakes i made to make sure they were edible.
this is amazing for someone who usually cannot pass up her mother's mashed potatos and i am a bread and butter in gravy nut and i didnt even look in that general direction.
then i went for a job/walk with my boyfriend, who, even though he slows me down, trys. he was feeling dinner a little more then me since he ate more, but he still jogged with me and did sprints between light posts with me (typical guy make it a race against a girl and he suddenly has the energy to beat me)
then when he left about 30 minutes later, i went to the basement to work out on my new program. its tiring, i feel fatigued.
so all in all, i think i did good:D
also my exercise log is the greatest invention ever! somehow having to write my reps and sets down i become suddenly accountable and do them all. yay for 'the ultimate workout log' by Suzanne Schlosberg'
 
Sounds like you had a good time, even when you b/f went with you.
 
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