ChefChiTown's Rebirth: I'm Back, BABY!!! (In More Ways Than One)...

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Truly sorry to read about your mom's health struggles :(

My mom just went through cancer ... it was a very stressful time for us all.

Sending prayers your way.
 
A) I woke up this morning new and refreshed. I've had a few 'off days' recently but I'm back in the game now. There are still five weeks until Christmas and I plan on dropping a few pounds before then. If my weight doesn't go down though I'll still be alright. All that matters is that I work on bettering my body. I've said it before but I'm not focusing on the weight. Yes, it's nice to see the scale go down but as long as I continue to take steps forward via proper diet and regular exercise I'll eventually get where I want to be.

B) I'm watching Seinfeld right now (well, HALF of Seinfeld - you see, we put up our Christmas tree and, from my spot on the couch, it blocks nearly half the TV. Sooooo...yeah) and one of my favorite scenes of all-time was just on. "Well, it SUCKS" gets me everytime...


C) Yes, we put up our Christmas tree already. We decorated a little early since we won't actually be here for Christmas. We figured we'd decorate a little early so we could enjoy it a little more. It feels so wrong. But, it feels so RIGHT. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

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Side note: I inadvertently touched the back of my hand against the inside of the stove last night when I was removing a tray of roasted potatoes and it's JUST NOW starting to show. Stupid delay.

Jenniquest said:
Truly sorry to read about your mom's health struggles :(

My mom just went through cancer ... it was a very stressful time for us all.

Sending prayers your way.
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Thanks. I appreciate that.

Having a family member, especially a parent, who is battling cancer is definitely a stressful thing. Everybody is doing their best to keep good spirits though. That's about all we can do.
 
It's been about 3 months since I've last been on here. Since then, a lot has happened. I don't feel like getting into it so I'll just give you a quick run down.

- Mom's cancer is disappearing. Great news.
- I have been working a shit ton of hours due to lack of proper staffing at my job. I am exhausted. Although, I got a raise. Woo.
- Life has hit me hard lately and both my mind and body are not in good shape. Time to change that.
- The dog is eating and drinking a lot more than usual. I don't know why I'm throwing that in there. Just something to report, I guess.

Anyway, the family and I had a "family meeting" of sorts and, starting tomorrow, we're all going to begin working on individual goals. All of our goals are different but the focus is bettering ourselves. My goals are mostly health-related. I'm going to focus on losing weight, building muscle and getting stronger (and looking better) and working on my writing. The wife's goals and the kids' goals are different, but we're all going to hold each other accountable. Becaaaaaause, if we all stick to working at our goals and actually improve ourselves, we're going to go on a little mini-vacation this summer to a place the kids picked.

If any one of us slips up or fails to work at our goals then we don't go on our vacation. So, if I don't bust my ass for the next few months, not only will I continue to be unhealthy and unfit, but my wife and kids will suffer as well. They won't get their vacation. They will be disappointed. So, I'm using that (along with other things) as motivation to work, work, work.
 
Excellent news about your Mum's cancer Chef.
Great idea about making one another accountable. That is a really good incentive to work at attaining your goals. Go Chef &please say hi to Jen from me xoxo
 
Thanks, guys.

You know, I'm all in a good mind set today so I've been drinking water this morning (because it's good for you). I noticed something though. I finally realized what water tastes like. People often say it has no flavor but they're wrong. Water tastes like the mood you're in. I'm in a good mood and feel like being healthy so the water tastes good. Other days, when I feel like a fat mound of hippo shit, water tastes bad.

Also, it's really hard - like, REEEEEALLY hard - to find any 'refreshment' from water when it's 8 degrees outside.
 
It's good to have you back, Chef. I hope water tastes good tomorrow & the next day......
 
Demons.

I'm beginning to realize that people don't / can't lose weight because of their demons. We all have issues, stress, fears, anxiety, worries, whatever - demons. Nobody is exempt from that reality. However, not all of us are able to rid ourselves of those demons. Some are better than others. Some of us are able to fight off our demons and free ourselves from their captivity, enabling us to live our lives to the best of our ability, with no worries. The rest of us are left in a constant state of fighting, struggling on a daily basis to fend off our inner-evils; a battle which consumes all of our energy, all of our effort, all of our will.

Personally, I am in the latter. I fight demons on a daily basis. Or, so it seems. Especially in recent times. And, I'm losing the battle.

Half of my mind is currently aching to get fit and healthy. The other half is a seemingly lost cause, caught up in a struggle fighting my personal demons. My heart? Not in it at all. Sure, I have days where I wake up energized and optimistic. I have days where I sincerely feel like "today is the day" I change my life for the better. But, sure as shit, those moments are short-lived. The half of my mind fighting those demons almost always seems to lose at some point during the day. And, it ruins me.

I'm not strong enough to win this battle. Not today, anyway. I won't go into it, but I have demons consuming me right now that I just can't seem to shake. I'm trying. I really am. But, I'm failing every step of the way. Until I find a way to win, I'm not going to get fit. Or healthy. Or motivated. Or energized. Or anything.

I don't say this to be deflating. I say this to be optimistic. We all have demons. So, none of us are alone in this struggle. We're all in this together. And, if nothing else, at least we have that to fall back on during our times of need. There is always a light shining somewhere in the darkness. We just have to keep our heads up and look for it.

It might not be today. But, someday. Someday I will win.
 
I'd say its about thermodynamics and the mental game. Medications, slow metabolisms, these are just variables in the equation. A slower metabolism or under active thyroid just mean your body doesn't require as much food to function. The only real consequence to that is you don't need to eat as much which means you really have to pay attention to the nutritional quality to ensure you get enough of the essential amino acids, minerals, vitamins and key nutrients. The biggest downside is that having a smaller number of calories to consume means you have to compromise the breadth of spectrum of foods you get to eat which can compromise your body chemistry.

Thermodynamics completely ignores the mental 'demon' game everyone plays. It is my amateur opinion that poor eating leads to chemical imbalances that manifest in the brain driving cravings, stress and sleep disorders all of which undermine the brain's capability of exerting rational control. Unfortunately it is a positive feedback loop that just escalates in the worst direction. In my humble opinion, the best strategy is to eat enough food and ensure you have an abundance of variety so that you don't miss out on any building block that your mind needs to reassert authority over your life. The food manufacturing industry is driven solely by profit motives and we are their rats addicted to sugar and what are possibly deliberately addictive chemical additives. I'm not a conspiracy theorist but I follow the money and look at what is happening before my eyes.

The whole brain chemistry thing to me is a chicken/egg argument. If a person depressed because of a brain chemistry issue, is the chemistry a symptom or the cause. I'm going out on a limb and will claim that depression is a symptom of the brain chemistry and not the cause. I'm going to further argue that treating brain chemistry imbalances with drugs is going to further disconnect the brain chemistry from what a person is feeling or doing. Are there situations when a person would reasonably feel depressed. Absolutely. But unless the person is completely debilitated by that depression, experiencing and dealing with the symptoms is normal and healthy while dumping medications on a person is an artificial prop that completely disconnects the mind from normal and rational processes.

The only other thing I would suggest is to add activity. Any thing that moves your body that gives you some enjoyment or that you have the discipline to do will give you a bit more room to broaden the variety and quantity of foods you can eat. Activity will help also in driving your body to rest and sleep which are crucial for health and weight loss. Any diet that emphasizes one type or class of food and restricts others in the absence of sensitivity or allergy is going to work against you in the long run by allowing room for the demons to multiply against you.
 
ChefChiTown said:
Demons.
I'm beginning to realize that people don't / can't lose weight because of their demons. We all have issues, stress, fears, anxiety, worries, whatever - demons. Nobody is exempt from that reality. However, not all of us are able to rid ourselves of those demons. Some are better than others. Some of us are able to fight off our demons and free ourselves from their captivity, enabling us to live our lives to the best of our ability, with no worries. The rest of us are left in a constant state of fighting, struggling on a daily basis to fend off our inner-evils; a battle which consumes all of our energy, all of our effort, all of our will.
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I fight those demons constantly chef. I'm certain that you have it in you to change your life for the better. Having counselling helped me to fight my demons, get them out into the open & put them back in their place. They have been rearing their little heads lately though & maybe it's time for me to see someone again & build up my defenses. I'll consider seeing someone new I think. Sending you lots of love & strength, xo
 
I am sorry to hear about your demons, Chef. You are right though, we all have them. Everyone deals with them differently. You have to find what works best for you. Whether that means talking to someone professionally or finding someway of dealing with them in other ways. I know for me - exercise helps for sure. It doesn't take them away but it helps me to clear my head so I can try to deal with them in a more focused manner. You can do this, man!! I am also sending you lots of strength!!
 
Thanks, guys.

Ok, so it's been a little while since I've last been here and, I'll be honest - a lot has happened. A lot of good.

Jen and I talked through a lot of things and we figured out a game plan for ourselves that has ended up working for us. Our number one problem during each previous attempt to lose weight and get healthy was this - we overdid it. We restricted ourselves too much when it came to what we ate and, personally, I exerted entirely way too much energy in the form of excessive exercise. And, after a week or two, we were so frustrated and exhausted with the changes we were making we ended up quitting and giving up. So, we dialed it back a bit this time around.

We decided to not be so strict with calorie counting. We both KNOW whether or not we're eating too much. The entire process of weighing, measuring, calculating and entering every single thing we ate into MyFitnessPal was just too much of a chore. It made us both lose any enjoyment from eating because it became such a chore. So, we just decided to use our common sense. We've cut out unnecessary carbohydrates (pasta, bread, excessive sugar, etc). We get all our carbohydrates from fruits, vegetables and healthy food options. We're also trying new, healthier versions of recipes we enjoy. For instance, I've been eating a lot of cauliflower rice instead of white rice. We've also made recipes, such as meatballs, and cut out the ingredients we don't want - like the breadcrumbs in the meatballs.

Because we're not overdoing it, we have eaten good every single day but one for the past two weeks. We're happy with what we're eating. It's healthy, tasty and, most importantly, we're both losing weight.

I'm not killing myself with exercise either. All I'm doing is sticking to this rule - I will not go two days in a row without exercise. I don't have a schedule, I don't have a strict definition for exercise - so, it could be running for a while, lifting weights, some aerobics, pilates, yoga, whatever, it doesn't matter - as long as I don't go two days in a row without exercise. For instance, I ran on Monday and Tuesday this week but I rested yesterday. So, I HAVE to exercise today since I took yesterday off. And, it's working for me. I'm not exhausted, nor am I frustrated with exercise.

So far so good.
 
Sounds like a brilliant approach to me. I too abhor the concept of tracking calories but acknowledge the need for understanding something about the relative proportions of macros and being aware of the calorie density of most of what I eat just to help guide choices. It certainly simplifies the process. Exercise doesn't have as great an impact on weight as diet so if you're more focused on the weight rather than overall fitness and health and quality of life, you could probably even cut yourself some more slack on the exercise front. Exercise brings additional health benefits. In my case, I'm currently burning an average of 500 'active' Kcal/day which accounts for a pound/week of weight loss above and beyond diet alone. The effort translates into cardio vascular fitness, improved appearance, better health markers and body composition changes plus it allows me a broader spectrum of healthy food choices. In my case, the biggest impact made by the exercise is that it is such a chore that it forces me to think about the consequences of what I eat. I hate to allow a few tiny indulgences to sacrifice the sweat equity.
 
ChefChiTown said:
Jen and I talked through a lot of things and we figured out a game plan for ourselves that has ended up working for us.
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That is excellent chef. It's great to hear that you are finding a healthy balance& it's working for you both.
 
Sounds like you are on the right path. One thing I learned on my weight loss journey was that extremes didn't work for me. I was either shoving all kinds of bad stuff in my face or I was so strict that I couldn't maintain it for very long and went back my bad ways. Welcome to my whole dieting life-lol. It really is all about balance. Once you find that balance you will find the HOLY GRAIL-lol. You and Jen can do this. You have already both been down that road. If you have a good day - congratulate yourself- if you have a bad day- move on and leave it behind you.

Funny I used to be obsessed by the scale. If I was down - I was happy. If I didn't lose anything or gained, it ruined my whole week. Today is different- I haven't stepped on the scale in well over a year. How do I know if I gained or lost weight- oh, I know-lol. I have been doing this a long time and I know just by how I look or how my clothes fit.

Cauliflower rice is delicious - I eat it all the time. Cauliflower pizza? Another good one. It is amazing the "normal stuff" that can be made out of cauliflower.

With exercise- off days are very important. Almost as important as doing the exercise. It allows your body to rest so you are ready to get back at. If you don't have an off day then you will be too tired to exercise the next day. Like I said it is all about balance. Not too much and not too little.

I have become an exercise nut. Not because I am obsessed by it but because I love it. Remember though- weight loss really is about 85% diet and 15% exercise. I have lost over 100 pounds at times without exercising at all. I do the exercise now because of how it helps me mentally not necessarily how it makes me feel physically ( although it help physically too). It helps me deal with stress and those tough times in my life.

Keep up the good work!!
 
Thanks, guys.

I've been doing the cauliflower rice thing for two weeks now and, in all honesty, I like it. Eating it PLAIN is a little rough (mostly because I don't like cauliflower), but making it into "fried rice" is pretty good. Add some peas, carrots, green onion, a bit of soy sauce and it turns out to be pretty good. We've done cauliflower mashed potatoes too. Those are pretty good. Is it the same as real rice or real mashed potatoes? No, clearly not. But, it's a solid substitute.

Anyway, I weighed myself this morning. Down from 251.4 lbs to 242.2 lbs. Is that good? Yeah, it's a good start. But, I'm not allowing myself to be happy...yet. If I get happy about it I'm going to gain a sense of cockiness and that's something I don't want. So, I'm just taking it for what it is - a good start. Still a long way to go yet so I'm going to save my happiness for when I actually get to where I want to be.
 
Just a forewarning - this will probably get lengthy.

I posted back in November 2017 then took a break until February 2018. At that time, I made a few posts but quickly disappeared again between March 2018 and now. Here is why.

We didn't say anything before - for a number of reasons - but mostly because it wasn't good news and we didn't want to spread negativity to anyone, especially around the holidays. For years, Jen and I have been trying to have a child. We already have two children but we've been trying to have one together, biologically, for a little over two years now. We've had terrible luck with it all. Over the years we've had multiple miscarriages. Most of them were fairly quick (within the first few weeks of conception) which, in some weird way, made them seem less devastating, but my break between November 2017 and February 2018 was because of a miscarriage that absolutely crushed us.

For the first time, our pregnancy held for a few months and we were absolutely thrilled to be having a baby. The timing seemed perfect too - for the first time in years, I didn't have to work the Christmas holiday so we planned a trip to visit my parents. We also planned this big "gift reveal" for my parents to tell them of our pregnancy on Christmas morning. My mom's cancer battle was taking a tiny turn for the worse - she was wanting to give up the fight - but we knew the news of having a grandchild on the way would be just the motivation my mom needed to renew her will to fight. Needless to say, we were excited. Everything seemed to finally be working out. I couldn't have been happier.

We lost the baby two days before Christmas - the day before we were leaving to go visit my parents.

We had an ultrasound scheduled the day before we left on our vacation just so we could get the comfort of seeing the baby again before we went off and told my parents. Well, what we got was the most discomforting thing I could possibly imagine - the sight of our lifeless child. I will never forgot gazing upon the screen and seeing our baby's heart, still and silent. That image will forever be burned into my brain and scarred into my heart. I still see it every time I close my eyes.

For the next few months I hated the world. I tried not to, but I couldn't help it. Every day I woke up hating everything - the world, myself, you name it. I hated it. For months, I was living in hell. So, I gave up. Let hell consume me, why not? I was doing so good with getting healthy and bettering myself until that miscarriage, then I let it all go to shit. I gained a fuck ton of weight back, my bad habits all came roaring back and, the worst part...I didn't care. I literally didn't care. I ate and drank my life away, and I just didn't care. Why would I? My kid was gone. And, I wanted to be too.

Fast forward to now.

I care again. Why?

We're pregnant again. Jen is currently going into her 18th week so we're about half way there already. And, it's going very well.

We've had muuuuultiple ultrasounds and tests performed during this pregancy as our OB wants to keep a close eye on everything (as do we). So far, all is well. We've even had what's called the Panorama test performed which is a blood / DNA test that can tell you the risk of your child having one of many chromosomal anomalies (Down Syndrome, Turner Syndrome, Edwards Syndrome, etc). The lab separates the fetal DNA from the mother's DNA and examines it to determine the child's risk factor. We got the results a few weeks ago and the OB was incredibly pleased with how low of a risk our child has for developing any of the major chromosomal issues. Oh, you can also find out the sex of your child...

:party:IT'S A GIRL!!! :party:

She should be here toward the end of the year (end of December, beginning of January - estimated due date is first week in January).

For the first few months, I stressed the fuck out over this pregnancy. It was a constant state of "when is THIS one going to go to shit?" for a long, loooong time. We didn't allow ourselves to be happy, nor did we even treat this pregnancy as real for the longest time but, as time has gone by, our attitudes have changed. Jen and I have pushed through our fear of repetition and have accepted joy into our hearts, and we eagerly await the arrival of our daughter.

About five months to go until she gets here. I'd better get to work.
 
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