Anyone ever been discouraged by family?
- Thread starter Jung Mi
- Start date
TomO
0
The only advice I can give you is that you have to change your life for YOU. You can't expect that your family will necessarily give you the feedback you want.
Let me give you an example. My parents were wonderful people. But they carried with them a big prejudice against fat people. At the same time, they had lived through very hard times in Germany, when they almost starved. As a result, I was a Platinum Member of the "Clean Your Plate Club." Also, it was almost rude not to accept seconds. As a result, I became overweight before I was a teenager. I was skinny in high school, but then I started to gain weight after I dropped out of college.
So every time I visited my parents, I knew that on the one hand, I was fat, and on the other hand, they disliked fat people intensely. I kept trying to lose weight to please THEM, and it didn't work.
I used to dread the Christmas holiday, because that's when I would go to see my parents and hear all the comments about my weight. Then, one year I actually lost 60 lbs. But that year they didn't say a thing about the weight I lost -- not one word!
Now, in my late 50's, my father is dead and my mom has dementia, so she doesn't know if I'm fat or not, or if I lost weight or not. Finally, I am doing this for MYSELF (sounds pathetic, I know, but it's true).
Yes, it's disappointing if your family doesn't recognize your efforts, but that's the way life is. The best advice I can give you is to forget it, put it out of your mind, remind yourself that this is YOUR battle and YOUR victory. Get the support and approval from places like WLF, where you can talk to people who don't have such a subjective relationship with you.
I don't know if this helps you or not, but you're certainly not alone in your frustration.
Let me give you an example. My parents were wonderful people. But they carried with them a big prejudice against fat people. At the same time, they had lived through very hard times in Germany, when they almost starved. As a result, I was a Platinum Member of the "Clean Your Plate Club." Also, it was almost rude not to accept seconds. As a result, I became overweight before I was a teenager. I was skinny in high school, but then I started to gain weight after I dropped out of college.
So every time I visited my parents, I knew that on the one hand, I was fat, and on the other hand, they disliked fat people intensely. I kept trying to lose weight to please THEM, and it didn't work.
I used to dread the Christmas holiday, because that's when I would go to see my parents and hear all the comments about my weight. Then, one year I actually lost 60 lbs. But that year they didn't say a thing about the weight I lost -- not one word!
Now, in my late 50's, my father is dead and my mom has dementia, so she doesn't know if I'm fat or not, or if I lost weight or not. Finally, I am doing this for MYSELF (sounds pathetic, I know, but it's true).
Yes, it's disappointing if your family doesn't recognize your efforts, but that's the way life is. The best advice I can give you is to forget it, put it out of your mind, remind yourself that this is YOUR battle and YOUR victory. Get the support and approval from places like WLF, where you can talk to people who don't have such a subjective relationship with you.
I don't know if this helps you or not, but you're certainly not alone in your frustration.
Sort of, the food issue causes quite a few arguments... Getting a bit sick of it being "sorted" only to get shouted at again the following week. I don't get much variety in my foods, so what I do get, gets piled into the shopping, like 12x tins of tuna a week... Makes it seem like a lot, but it adds up to the same, but yeah, that never seems to sink in.
My dad is really encouraging about it though.
My dad is really encouraging about it though.
slimby43
New member
my family (parents, sister etc) have been very supportive - over the phone. they havent seen me since i started losing and i cant wait to see their faces when i see them in 2 weeks. my partner has been not so good. unless i prompt him, either by repeatedly telling him i have lost x amount of lbs or putting on a "fat" pair of trousers, he has not said anything. he will come home and say so and so has lost weight, they look really good, which p****s me off no end. mind you i think in my case hes worried that other men may find me more attractive. ive told him, he might find himself out on his ear if he doesnt watch it.
you need to do this for yourself and the increased confidence and self esteem it should bring you. as tomO said you will get lots of support from this forum, its certainly been a major factor in keeping me motivated. slim
you need to do this for yourself and the increased confidence and self esteem it should bring you. as tomO said you will get lots of support from this forum, its certainly been a major factor in keeping me motivated. slim
RoyalRoseBlue
New member
I'm going through sort of the same thing, but only with my friends. It's hardest thing I've even done, but you know what, I'm changing for me and not for any of them. My family and my boyfriend love me for me, but I dont' love myself as much as I thought I did. Otherwise I wouldn't have been poisioning myself with junk food and beign lazy all the time.
My family is acutally very supportive of me, and my mom has been extrememly supportive and even commenting on how I've been changing. My dad's still adjusting to the changes I've been making. He not use to me eating smaller portions, only drinking water, and cutting back alot on the carbs. But I know he's proud of me, and that I'm doing for myself!
Hang in there! It's rough, but you always have us to fall back on. We're all going through it some way or another and it's always nice to get on here and talk to people who understand and are going through the same things.
My family is acutally very supportive of me, and my mom has been extrememly supportive and even commenting on how I've been changing. My dad's still adjusting to the changes I've been making. He not use to me eating smaller portions, only drinking water, and cutting back alot on the carbs. But I know he's proud of me, and that I'm doing for myself!
Hang in there! It's rough, but you always have us to fall back on. We're all going through it some way or another and it's always nice to get on here and talk to people who understand and are going through the same things.
well i have weird psychological issues. where im the exact opposite. i dont show my family my pictures at all.
I absolutely HATE when my dad or my brother comment on my weight or say stuff like "hey wanna go running with me" or "you know you'd get in shape if you'd....(fill in the blank)..." etc.
its something weird about me, that when they encourage me to go to the gym and work out, i want to gain weight just in spite of them.
It's because I don't like it when they make comments suggesting that im out of shape and overweight, and that doesnt make me want to lose weight. because i feel like if i lose weight, my brother and dad will feel like, THEY motivated me, and their comments are the reason i lost weight. and i dont want to give them that satisfaction.
I absolutely HATE when my dad or my brother comment on my weight or say stuff like "hey wanna go running with me" or "you know you'd get in shape if you'd....(fill in the blank)..." etc.
its something weird about me, that when they encourage me to go to the gym and work out, i want to gain weight just in spite of them.
It's because I don't like it when they make comments suggesting that im out of shape and overweight, and that doesnt make me want to lose weight. because i feel like if i lose weight, my brother and dad will feel like, THEY motivated me, and their comments are the reason i lost weight. and i dont want to give them that satisfaction.
discouraged by family memebers? hell yeah
i actually just joined this forum today after my father has asked me 10 different times if i want to go eat something "healthy" from a list of fast food restraunts. he knows i am trying to better myself through excercise and making the best food choices available to me, and congratulates me everytime he sees me, and then asks if i want lunch from wherever. he is a bit of a fitness buff himself, and works out so much that he eats what he wants. i have tried telling him no, i tried telling him hell no, and finally about 20 minutes ago i told him "i dont eat shit from fast food places, and i dont want any." and he still questioned me further about a salad from Quiznos.
my point is, people will be discouraging whether or not they are doing it intentionally. if you are changing yourself for anyone but you it is 10 times harder to do, and exponentially less rewarding when you get there.
it sounds like you are doing fabulously, and everyone here is applauding you. please applaud yourself, take solace knowing that you are not the only one, and ignore the critics.
i actually just joined this forum today after my father has asked me 10 different times if i want to go eat something "healthy" from a list of fast food restraunts. he knows i am trying to better myself through excercise and making the best food choices available to me, and congratulates me everytime he sees me, and then asks if i want lunch from wherever. he is a bit of a fitness buff himself, and works out so much that he eats what he wants. i have tried telling him no, i tried telling him hell no, and finally about 20 minutes ago i told him "i dont eat shit from fast food places, and i dont want any." and he still questioned me further about a salad from Quiznos.
my point is, people will be discouraging whether or not they are doing it intentionally. if you are changing yourself for anyone but you it is 10 times harder to do, and exponentially less rewarding when you get there.
it sounds like you are doing fabulously, and everyone here is applauding you. please applaud yourself, take solace knowing that you are not the only one, and ignore the critics.
Nemesis2
New member
My mom used to nag me to lose weight when i was really overweight, and I didn't listen lol.. but then I actually did start losing weight, and she was proud of me... like we have lots of family get togethers throughout the year, and when ppl trip out to how I look I like the expression on my moms face 
hehe...
BUT lately she has been a little iffy about the weight loss because she wants to make sure I'm eating right and not starving my body of anything essential it needs, and I see exactly where she is comming from but she is not me, she doesn't have the same goals as I do. If it were up to my mom, she thinks i look fine now and would have me stop working out haha... but I do this for me, i enjoy doing it for me.
hehe...BUT lately she has been a little iffy about the weight loss because she wants to make sure I'm eating right and not starving my body of anything essential it needs, and I see exactly where she is comming from but she is not me, she doesn't have the same goals as I do. If it were up to my mom, she thinks i look fine now and would have me stop working out haha... but I do this for me, i enjoy doing it for me.
beadmakergirl
New member
That is the bottom line. Do it for yourself. You can't control anyone else's reactions, you can't even really know why they react to anything that you do.
So just register it & get on with your life!
beadmakergirl
New member
I haven't eaten at quiznos but is it possible that they do have a healthy salad choice?
DeepGreen
New member
I have heard that many fast food chains adds chemicals to make there salads "fresher" and "greener". These chemicals may have adverse effects on your health.
Again, I don't know if this is true, its one of the things I heard through the grape vine
Jung Mi,
I agree with the majority in this thread. Its how YOU feel at the end of the day.
My mother was never quite supportive of my weight loss either, but for a different reason. She was afraid I would get sick from starving myself. Thus, I would never receive any positive comments, not even a simple 'You're doing great'. In fact, there were times she'd try to 'sabotage' my efforts by buying snacks and serving fried foods!
Now, almost 10 years since I decided to change my lifestyle, her views have somewhat changed. Mostly, this is because she's a bit more informed now about the risks of carrying around excess weight (diabetes, heart problems, etc.). In turn, she's become a lot more careful now with her own lifestyle and eating habits, and she's starting to understand more of how I felt and why I wanted to change.
Frankly, I was quite surprised that she wasn't aware of the possible negative effects of excess weight, but I've found out over the years that definitely she isn't alone in this. A LOT of people seem to be unaware.
Perhaps your mother is the same as mine once was?
Anyway, don't feel too discouraged about the incident. Like others have said, in the end losing weight is for yourself, your own health, your own self-confidence. No one else's. In time, your mom might start to understand more, but it's not something that can be forced.
Now, almost 10 years since I decided to change my lifestyle, her views have somewhat changed. Mostly, this is because she's a bit more informed now about the risks of carrying around excess weight (diabetes, heart problems, etc.). In turn, she's become a lot more careful now with her own lifestyle and eating habits, and she's starting to understand more of how I felt and why I wanted to change.
Frankly, I was quite surprised that she wasn't aware of the possible negative effects of excess weight, but I've found out over the years that definitely she isn't alone in this. A LOT of people seem to be unaware.
Perhaps your mother is the same as mine once was?
Anyway, don't feel too discouraged about the incident. Like others have said, in the end losing weight is for yourself, your own health, your own self-confidence. No one else's. In time, your mom might start to understand more, but it's not something that can be forced.
Are you satisfied with your achievement? If yes, then this is all you need. Sure, we are conected emotionally with our family, most important members being our parents and children, but you did this for yourself primarely and if you consider it an achievement then it is an achiement.Don't give up!
I deal with this crap all the time from my in laws. I love learning about nutrition/fitness and I eat what I want to eat. I cook my own foods, prepare my own meals, but yet I still always get asked, "Do you want some of (insert food)." I reply, "No thanks." I get the, "Why not? It has all the things you eat."
They used to ask me all the time if I was hungry, even after I just ate something or they knew my wife and I went to dinner. Drove me f'n crazy. They finally stopped thank goodness. Reaching goals is hard to do without some sort of support, problem is those that don't know, think they know, and try to impose their thoughts on you.
I think its funny that your dad asks you to eat something healthy but do you want to go to a fast food place. Why not take you to the grocery store instead ya know.
They used to ask me all the time if I was hungry, even after I just ate something or they knew my wife and I went to dinner. Drove me f'n crazy. They finally stopped thank goodness. Reaching goals is hard to do without some sort of support, problem is those that don't know, think they know, and try to impose their thoughts on you.
I think its funny that your dad asks you to eat something healthy but do you want to go to a fast food place. Why not take you to the grocery store instead ya know.
Aleeluh
New member
Well.. I do not have that problem. I sometimes have the problem of my family members turning supportive into nagging. It's a good thing they support me. I love having it- but when they are constantly reminding me I need to loose weight it drives me crazy!
I am so glad now they are seeing the change though- they are starting to see I am really trying :]
I am so glad now they are seeing the change though- they are starting to see I am really trying :]
sirant
New member
I have heard that many fast food chains adds chemicals to make there salads "fresher" and "greener". These chemicals may have adverse effects on your health.
Again, I don't know if this is true, its one of the things I heard through the grape vine
Absolutely true unfortunately. I worked in a semi-fast food joint for a couple years. I recall VERY vividly soaking the cut veggies and fruit, including fresh cut fries in a mixture we made from water and a box of white powder that had warnings not to get it on your skin. When I asked the boss what it was he said it was a chemical to make sure the veggies and especially potatoes wouldn't darken or go brown.
Customers will turn back wilted lettuce or brown potatoes or apples in a second, but will stuff them selves full of nice fresh looking ones covered in chemicals. If it was visually appealing enough people really didn't care what they were "actually" eating. Thats one of the main reasons I avoid eating in any kinds of restaurants, since we never really 100% understand exactly how our food is being prepared or processed....
Scary isn't it?
Ever seen a brown french fry at McD's or any other restaurant?
sirant
ericasunshine
New member
Aww, I'm really sorry about that.
Part of the reason your mom might have said those things is because she's pretty content with what you look like physically. It's different coming from your standpoint, because where you see things you could improve, she probably sees the beautiful little girl that she's been raising all these years. I'm not sure about your mother and her weight issues, but it may be that she has never had a problem with weight, and it could be hard for her to empathize with you.
Don't take it too much to heart. You've done a wonderful job so far, I saw your weight loss pictures, and you look great! The main concern is that you're happy with yourself. I know it's hard to disregard a comment coming from someone so close to you, but sometimes you just have to shrug things like that off. As long as you're happy with your progress, that's what counts.
And you very well should be because you're doing stellar!
-Erica
Part of the reason your mom might have said those things is because she's pretty content with what you look like physically. It's different coming from your standpoint, because where you see things you could improve, she probably sees the beautiful little girl that she's been raising all these years. I'm not sure about your mother and her weight issues, but it may be that she has never had a problem with weight, and it could be hard for her to empathize with you.
Don't take it too much to heart. You've done a wonderful job so far, I saw your weight loss pictures, and you look great! The main concern is that you're happy with yourself. I know it's hard to disregard a comment coming from someone so close to you, but sometimes you just have to shrug things like that off. As long as you're happy with your progress, that's what counts
.And you very well should be because you're doing stellar!
-Erica
I go through similar probs with my family being supportive. Anytime i see my mom she thinks that I have lost weight and tells me I am too skinny (everybosy in my family is overweight) when I am exactly the same weight. When I told her I was going back to college her response was "why would you want to do that?"
My hubby who needs to lose al ot of weight himself, acts like he will try with me to get healthy but then bitches when I make grilled chicken instead of buying us cheeseburgers on the way home, pouts when I say no to baskin robbins. My co-workers say nothing when I lose enough to drop a clothing size, and need to buy new clothes.
Like everyone else is saying, you need to do it for you, not the reactions you will get from others. I know its tough when nobody recognizes your hard work. Honestly, that is the trap that I fall into. Nobody praises my efforts, I get discouraged and put the pounds back on. We need to get support from people who have the same goals, and who understands all the hard work that goes into changing ourselves.
Chin Up!!!!
My hubby who needs to lose al ot of weight himself, acts like he will try with me to get healthy but then bitches when I make grilled chicken instead of buying us cheeseburgers on the way home, pouts when I say no to baskin robbins. My co-workers say nothing when I lose enough to drop a clothing size, and need to buy new clothes.
Like everyone else is saying, you need to do it for you, not the reactions you will get from others. I know its tough when nobody recognizes your hard work. Honestly, that is the trap that I fall into. Nobody praises my efforts, I get discouraged and put the pounds back on. We need to get support from people who have the same goals, and who understands all the hard work that goes into changing ourselves.
Chin Up!!!!
Tomble
New member
Don't let it get you down. Bear in mind that if they see you every day, they may not notice the change because it is so gradual. I have had comments mostly from people who haven't seen me in a while. A friend of mine who is staying with me at the moment said today that he noticed I had lost weight but it wasn't all that noticeable (I've lost almost 10kg - 20lb in the time he has been staying). He also said exactly what I mentioned - seeing me every day, it's not like a sudden transformation.
I would have expected your mother to be more supportive, but perhaps to her weight loss is not a struggle she has had, and she doesn't recognise how important it is to you. I think that a parent also doesn't see you in the same way that friends see you - by that I mean they know you so well they may not really look at you in an evaluative way as friends might do.
Also, I checked your pics in the before and after. You look really amazing, so don't worry about other people.
I would have expected your mother to be more supportive, but perhaps to her weight loss is not a struggle she has had, and she doesn't recognise how important it is to you. I think that a parent also doesn't see you in the same way that friends see you - by that I mean they know you so well they may not really look at you in an evaluative way as friends might do.
Also, I checked your pics in the before and after. You look really amazing, so don't worry about other people.