Advice needed... :(

lally

lally

New member
I'd recently broke up with my ex boyfriend and wasn't looking for a relationship at all but then one night I got talking to a (male) friend of a friend and we just clicked. We spent 4 hours talking and we swapped numbers.

A few nights later on the phone we got to talking about how we were both not looking for a relationship or anything but on the other hand we liked each other and it was shocking how we'd clicked etc. We went on a few dates that week.. seemed like we couldn't keep away from each other! It carried on like this for about 3 weeks and then he asked me (I was secretly hoping he would by this point) that even though he knew we'd both said we didn't want a relationship, would I like to be with him exclusively and I said yes.

Things carried on as they were, we saw each other 3+ times a week, he would text me every morning without fail 'morning gorgeous....' and before bed time he would text me telling me I was perfect and saying good night and things. He brought me flowers when I was sick and I'd tell my friends how absolutely lovely he was and that he was the nicest boyfriend I'd ever had.

Then about 2 weeks ago things took a drastic turn. The morning texts stopped.. I'd get one text a day if I was lucky and they weren't particularly 'nice' e.g. 'hey how r u? what u upto? ' And he didn't seem to make any effort or want to see me particularly, I've seen him twice in the last fortnight and that was only because I've said to him on two occasions, look I really want to see you.

He told me he was just busy but I still felt really uneasy and thought this was a rubbish excuse and last night, after a couple of days of uber stressing, I just said to him, If you're not interested shall we just split up?

As soon as I said this he was like whoaaa what's brought this on bla bla and I said, the 'I'm busy' doesn't wash with me there's more to it than that.

He said he's not used to relationships (true) and that he's feeling weird. He said that while we were seeing each other a lot and whatnot he had completely left out his friends and now he feels guilty and is spending more time with them - and less with me. He has very little free time (true) and struggles to find a balance between friends and a girlfriend because he's not used to having to. I can sort of appreciate this but at the same time I'm like, I should be a higher priority in his mind?

I don't know, its just so weird how he went from being this totally nice and sweet guy to not seeming to be all too interested.

My phone broke last night (perfect timing) so he told me to call him from my home phone today as he can't get in touch with me cause of my stupid phone. And I did and I expected him to ask to see me tonight but he didn't, and he hinted about him being 'busy all week'. Cold shoulder again...

I reeeeeally don't want to split up with him, I care about him a lot and I'd be devastated if we did but I don't know what to do. Any ideas?? :(

Sorry its so long....
 
reeeeeally don't want to split up with him, I care about him a lot and I'd be devastated if we did but I don't know what to do. Any ideas??
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People can only do to you what you allow them to do...

You do know what to do, by the way... Ask yourself if you want to be treated the way he's been treating you or do you deserve more... What are your expectations?
 
I want to be treated like he treated me.

Not even as nice as that, just how I treat him - realistically you are always treated better in the first few weeks/months of a relationship aren't you?

I think we've got what it takes to have a successful long term relationship. Don't wanna just throw it away...
 
a person is generally on their best behavior til... um - nevermind.. then their true colors come out...

Why do you think you've got what it takes to make it a long term relationship?

A successful long term relationship is based on mutual respect, trust, and the ability to communicate exactly how you're feeling...
 
or til people get comfortable and realize that they can get away with crap...

I'm not a big believer of ultimatums with people... they're going to do what they're going to do - but the choice is yours as to whether or not you accept it...

It's up to you to tell him that your perception ofhow he's treating yuo has changed... and what's up with that.. .and he can change.. or you can show him the door...

You've got far too much to offer a person to not be treated as well as you want and deserveet o be treaed
 
I told him my perception has changed and he seemed to take it on board and stuff but today its just like I'm back at square one.

I told myself I'd give him some time as I know he's not one for long term relationships and I do believe he wants to be with me. I just dunno what to do/think now...
 
lally said:
I want to be treated like he treated me.

Not even as nice as that, just how I treat him - realistically you are always treated better in the first few weeks/months of a relationship aren't you?

I think we've got what it takes to have a successful long term relationship. Don't wanna just throw it away...
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IT sounds LIKE his FRIENDS are getting to him too much...and PROBABLY making JOKES like guys always do....that is HE all IN LOVVVVE already....and that probably scared him....for him to do a complete 360 turn.....being it SOOOOO SOON....

MAL is right.....YOU do know what you need to do....and YOU is the MAIN priority...and SINCE it is all new....take it with a grain of salt.....he is being immature in NOT telling you the REAL issue at hand, whether it be just a SIMPLE one.....and I"M busy all the TIME....means I AM TOO BUSY for YOU......basically put.

YOU sound like a smart woman....and DESERVE someone to put in as much effort as you are.....and THE VERY least he could do is continue to call you if he really wants the relationship to last......

BUT then again....I"LL tell you....my BF......we live together now and IN December will be 4 years together....he DIDN"T ever used to call when we first started dating....and for example......

....let's say I saw him on WEDNESDAY he would ask me for FRIDAY night to go out to dinner after I would get off of work, which he would know would be around like 10pm....he wouldn't call me to say hi, to say anything, let alone CONFIRM our date...so I WOULD be like OH WELL he's just NOT that INTERESTED....and then I would go home...and HE WOULD call me like at 11:00pm or 11:30 pm that night and be like "I"VE been WAITING...why didn't YOU COME BY, I thought we had a date"......and IN my head...

...I WOULD think.....HELLLLLLO where the HELL are your manners....YOU HAVE TO CALL to CONFIRM...I'm not just going to SHOW UP on your DOOR and HE is man...HAVE COURTESY.....well it took me a while to SHOW him that HE was not being COURTEOUS in that SENSE.....and SLOWLY he started realizing his errors.....and HE WOULD use the same excuse...which was true....about HIM not BEING used to having a GIRL in his LIFE...a steady ONE at that...which required more CONSISTENCY and EFFORT....

...with that SAID.....just observe a WHILE longer if you care that much....but BE AWARE of how things are making you FEEL as well.....cause at the END of STORY we ALL deserve the BEST.............:)
 
So the first few weeks were great? Yay! If the next few weeks keep up like they are now... what matters more ? How he did treat you or how he is/will continue to treat you. You never know, he might be showing his true colors NOW, and before might have been an act to keep you around.

You have to do what makes you happy, and if you have expressed your concerns and nothing has changed, or even moves in the right direction - I would suggest getting out before you get too invested. That may sound a little mean, but why let your feelings grow more if you already know the way things are going , they won't work out and you will be upset.

Good Luck! Let us know what happens!
 
I know this is just my random opinion but I say give him a taste of his own medicine.

Stop texting him, stop asking him where he was etc...make yourself unavailable so that he notices that you are not going to be sitting around waiting for his lazy ass to pay attention to you. If he wants you---he's going to have to work at it. If it turns out that he doesn't want you, well than at least you didn't sit around waiting for him to figure it out.

Just my humble opinion.
 
Alta818 said:
just observe a WHILE longer if you care that much....but BE AWARE of how things are making you FEEL as well.....cause at the END of STORY we ALL deserve the BEST.............:)
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Thanks, I am going to give it a while longer.

I said to him last night that it feels like its gone from one extreme to the other and if it's just going to stay this way/get worse then it's pointless us staying together even though I don't want to split and he has said he doesn't.

My crappy phone though.. he said he's going to call me later.. hmm
 
Honesty man. And straight forwardness... and worst case is you chuck him out and move on.
Sorry dude, it sucks sometimes, but that's life! You either deal with it well, or not. Good luck girl.
 
lally said:
Thanks, I am going to give it a while longer.

I said to him last night that it feels like its gone from one extreme to the other and if it's just going to stay this way/get worse then it's pointless us staying together even though I don't want to split and he has said he doesn't.

My crappy phone though.. he said he's going to call me later.. hmm
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YOU can NEVER feel BAD walking away FROM A SITUATION that YOU put YOUR full FORTH EFFORT into trying to MAKE work......

....WHEN you TRY and YOU talk about WHAT IS WRONG....

....there is NO REASON for NOT SEEING change for the BETTER.....

...and DON"T feel BAD if it comes to the POINT of OBSERVING...and STILL NO CHANGE....

...because LIKE I SAID...you TRIED, GAVE EFFORT, COMMUNICATED the ISSUE at hand and STILL nothing.......then THERE is NOTHING left YOU can DO, but be RIGHTEOUS to YOURSELF, and PUT your MIND at EASE.....

...IT isn't HEALTHY when you are DISTRAUGHT about WHAT is SUPPOSED to be a UNION because YOU MAKE EACH other HAPPY.....

...WHEN the HAPPINESS is GONE...the ONLY thing LEFT to DO....is LOVE yourself ENOUGH to REALIZE when YOU have GIVEN enough to A PERSON who DOES not DESERVE or APPRECIATE the TIME and EFFORT and MOST of ALL CARE that you are SHOWING....

...the SAD part is A LOT of the TIME....PEOPLE never REALIZE the GREATNESS LOST...until JUST that....IT IS LOST..... :) GOOD LUCK HUN!!

YOU sound LIKE a beautiful SOUL who CARES a lot, and YOU DESERVE just that IN RETURN! :)
 
This could seem like really bad advice but I've been in that situation before and it sucks. A friend told me to read "He's Just Not That Into You". It helped...now while I do believe that situations are far from black and white the book is more about putting things in perspective and realizing what you want and what you deserve as opposed to settling for what someone is willing to give you. Good luck hun
 
Don't be too sad, I know you are a little sad because it is almost as if he is rejecting you. I think that he is probably telling the truth, that he is not used to relationships, so he may not see how in the beginning you were spending so much time together, and when you are now not that it seems to you as if he is pulling out of the relationship. It might have been just from the beginning that he is not used to being in a romantic relationship and that he didn't realize how involved he had gotten. I think lots of times girls in the back of their minds during a serious relationship compare how it is going to if they are married, I am not saying you do but it is a possibility. Guys get alot from their guy friends as well, and he may be hearing it from them and not telling you. So try to be patient, but do not put up with him telling lies (I will see you on Thursday and he doesn't), hurting your feelings or the such, that means it is not the best it could be, but since you haven't stated any of that, which is good, very good just be catious but try not to overact. I think it is hard because it involves feelings and he may just be worried about independence and finding a healthy balance. I think you can both have a healthy balance and you can find healthy things to do for you while he is doing his things, but as long as you come together and you let him know your true feelings and he works with you, it will be better for you. If you want to talk, to fill up some time, please feel free to contact me, and there is always reading, movies, working, exercising, and more. Thanks! Melissa
 
ok not to downplay any advice and I could be wrong...but this is the problem I have...it seems the first solution (especially women) is to explain away a guy's action instead of ya know he's being an ass it's oh relationships are new to him. If you were to do something he didnt like he would hold you accountable for your actions yet for some reason women, trust me myself included, sit there and help them with their defense.....ok got it out of my system with the girl power moment but it's some food for thought
 
I think that women deserve respect too, I agree

I don't think guys should be able to get away with things, I agree! When I was younger, I would be so easy to get rid of them, I look back now and think what could have I done to make it work, not to stay in that relationship but so that in my next relationship I would be healthier and so my next relationship would be healthier. But honestly, I haven't even been in a relationship since I was 2 months pregnant, and my son is almost 4! That is because I was so tired of unhealthy I deemed to stop relationships until I was healhty for me and my son, and society. I have been working on my soul, and I am working on my physical, and I agree with you about girl power, I'm glad you wrote about that, because we all here working on being healthy, and I don't think you should accept anything less. I am hoping the best for you in this new relationship, I saw your pictures and your goregous and you have a humbleness that adds to inner beauty. I wish for all of us health in all of life, and relationships!
 
Carthonn said:
If I were him, I'd run.
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And once again a man has succeeded in showing his true colours...

Bravo Carthonn, I applaud your balls for coming in here and INSULTING Lally in a thread full of girl power women... now get ready to have them ripped off and hung from one of our rearview mirrors! :toetap05:

Cheers.
 
Ankebuzz said:
And once again a man has succeeded in showing his true colours...

Bravo Carthonn, I applaud your balls for coming in here and INSULTING Lally in a thread full of girl power women... now get ready to have them ripped off and hung from one of our rearview mirrors! :toetap05:

Cheers.
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I second THAT!!!!
 
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