So I managed to finish homework around 10 last night and said "fuck it" to the diary in favor of spending actual time with Mr. H, so today will have two entries. The veggie quinoa salad wasn't as filling as I thought it would be, but it didn't leave me super hungry either. So still better than bread, but it would be good to get some sort of fat or whatnot in there today. A snack of avocado and runny eggs, which I've been craving for a couple weeks, was pretty satisfying though. Dinner...wasn't the best. Partly because I wasn't hungry until about 10pm and partly because I didn't break from homework until then. But at least I stayed within my calorie limit while also getting enough to keep functioning...?
Exercise was nil, because I wanted to finish the damn homework and get to bed at a reasonable hour which meant foregoing anything that wasn't that or work work. This morning I'm being lazy, because I can and I deserve it damnit, but this afternoon after our walk I'm gonna look into maybe finding a Zumba workout or something fun like that on YouTube. Period cramping may slow me down a bit or force me to swap to something lower in intensity, but Imma try.
Let's talk triggers, because around 6ish last nigh I just sort of verbally vomited on the page and it's probably better to have something more moderate and less desperate-sounding. Stress is definitely a trigger for me. Grad school and feeling like a deadbeat wife because Mr. H has been patiently picking up the slack on keeping the house not looking like a college dorm is bad enough. I deliberately chose a low-stress, part-time job so that I could focus on school and keep stress to a minimum. That said, I don't half-ass things either even when I want to; I'm there for a reason and I'm going to show up and do the best I can, even if I don't particularly intend to go above and beyond. I've learned through this philosophy that for many low-skill jobs, the bar is extraordinarily low and even just doing my job well and without requiring supervision often makes me an exemplary employee. It's a baffling phenomenon but there you go. At work I was tagged for a temporary internal position because "my name came up," in a good way, when looking for people to be on this team. Within this team I was tapped this week for the outbound call campaign, along with four other people (of 30) because we were "the rockstars" who grasped the training and have been doing well on calls. I got my annual review yesterday as well, and both my old supervisor and my new one want to see me seeking out "growth opportunities," project teams, and responsibilities (read: more work with no additional pay) outside of my normal duties as a part-time receptionist. Y'know, that job I specifically took because I could do it with relatively low stress while finishing my degree. That both supervisors know for a fact is
just a job to me, that I'll be leaving the minute I'm gainfully employed in a museum or archive. Hell, even a library if I have to.
I was feeling the weight of all of this last night and that's when the cravings started. Chimichangas, puff pastry filled with whipped cream and strawberries, soda, cookie skillet, apple pie churros, cookie cakes, fried dough, hot chocolate, apple cider...most of these things have some sort of pleasant memory tied to them and others just sounded amazing. I admit that even now, knowing that Mr. H will be going back to the lab for the first time in months today for a few hours around lunch time, the temptation to go get lunch at Chipotle is strong. Have I mentioned the Chipotle near my house looks out at a Salad Works? And also at a froyo place. Sugar is my happy place, and it shouldn't be, but I don't know what to replace sugar with. The easy answer is to get up and exercise every time I have a craving but I'd be working out about 4-6 hours a day if I did that. I gots shit to do. Another answer is to chug some water, but water poisoning is a thing and so is having to pee every five minutes and, again, I gots shit to do.
I can suppress the cravings and ignore them, but that often backfires when the weekend comes and my schedule doesn't keep me from eating like crap. Compound that with Friday and Saturday nights specifically being also tied to pleasant memories; those were our family outing nights. If we were going to go out to eat or order in, that's when we'd do it. For a period in high school, every Friday night was family game night where we'd order pizza and play what games we could find that would play three people. When my dad was often home late because of work, those nights were special, and now my brain still tells me that Friday and Saturday nights are go out to eat and spend time as a family nights, despite living halfway across the country from both parents, having no siblings and no cousins close in age, and being decidedly child-free.
When I talk about emotional eating, this is the kind of stuff I mean. It isn't
just celebratory eating, or eating when I'm sad or stressed. It's disappearing into memory, before my life and physical and mental health fell to shit. Granted my life isn't exactly shit now: we bought our first house last year, our marriage is strong, we're both going to have advanced degrees within the next two-ish years with no student debt, together we're likely to make six figures combined at entry-level with no children we have to pay for, we're starting to save up for our first trip out of the country three years from now. When I'm not on "special projects" I don't mind my job even if I don't particularly enjoy it, and it's a good company with decent benefits even for part-timers. We were both able to keep our jobs during the pandemic and haven't been struggling with spending all this time together because we're both introverted homebodies anyway and know how to deal with needing alone time from each other and when we need to put effort into spending more meaningful time together. But stress, anger, sadness, worry all triggers feelings of a period between 2011 and 2014 when I was miserable, when my life fell to shit, when we were still figuring out how to be married. Food, particularly sugary food, is how I chose to deal with those emotions because I had no support network. It was a time machine back to
before, when things looked a bit rosier, and it's still my go-to reaction when the going gets tough. But I don't know how to make the tough get going without it.
I need help figuring out how to deal with negative emotions without food.
Even as I type that, my lizard brain recoils from the idea of no more emotional dependence on food. Food is a
friend, food is
comfort. And though I know it isn't true, lizard brain says that without sugary, rich, decadent, greasy, fatty food life will be sad and no longer full of celebrations. That there will be no other way of picking myself up and I'll just be sad, angry, and worried all the time. I don't know how to convince myself that that isn't true.
Having formal education in your field and a piece of paper is always helpful, even if sometimes it feels like you learn so much more by doing and watching more experienced colleagues.
Hope Wednesday will be better for you.