James2
New member
Hey there, it's your friendly neighborhood big guy.
I just wanted to take the time today to have a chat with you all, and take the time to sit down and share some etiquette with everyone with respect to their own friendly neighborhood big guy. Every woman that has had to walk to her car that she parked in an unlit alley at 4AM after a long night of dancing at the bar, and every man who has thrown a little too much lip at some unsavory characters at the bar all love having their friendly neighborhood big guy there. If you DON'T know your FNBG, read through this lengthy discourse first, then introduce yourself to your local rep.
Meeting your FNBG
Oftentimes, if you know the FNBG in your area, he is in general a nice guy. The first thing you'll notice about him will likely be his size. While it is okay to mention his size as the first thing you say to him, please try to do so in an inventive and possibly hilarious way. Irony is also acceptable. Saying "Wow, you're huge" gets repetitive after awhile, and I would bet donuts to dollars that your FNBG KNOWS that he is a large individual. Chances are he worked hard to get himself that way. Being huge is not an accident.
Summary: Be polite in your introduction, and if you absolutely MUST mention his size, do it in a funny or ironic way
Caveat: Please do not ask him what he benches when you first meet him. That earns you an automatic "douche-o-matic" flagging
Nicknames for your FNBG
There is a good chance that your FNBG already has a nickname, and there is an even greater chance that that nickname is either "Bear", "Moose", or "Tiny". This nickname was likely given to him in junior highschool by any of the pack of (at the time) 60 pound twittering girls that hung out with his friends, at a time when his overly large size made him feel awkward. Instead of internalizing this name, he embraced it. He has carried that name with him, and has had people introduce him to others as "Bear" or "The Big Bear", and will probably respond to that name quicker than his own name. He is proud of it now. However, real future attempts to give like nicknames should and will be treated with disdain.
Summary: If you don't want to call your FNBG by his real name, wait a bit and find out his already established big person name, then use that
Caveat: Please do not try to make up your own big person name for the FNBG. You'll just look like a tool
When You Need Some Big Work Done
Obviously, make sure that you are friends enough with your FNBG that he knows your name, and at least has your number in his phone before requesting strong work. Yes, the big guy has trained a ton, and has made his body large so that work like that is easier for him, but that doesn't mean that he did it so it was easier for him to do that work for YOU. Make sure you deserve his help with whatever task you are asking help with. An easy guide to follow is:
A) Have I ever bought the FNBG a drink 'cause he's my buddy?
B) Has the FNBG ever bought me a drink 'cause he's my buddy?
C) Have I hung out with the FNBG in the past week or so (without this question in mind)?
If you can answer yes to all of those questions, then it is a safe bet that you can ask the FNBG for some big work. Start off you request with a friendly "Hey buddy", and then hop right into it. Don't pepper your request with appeals to his ego by citing his size and strength. That just makes him wary of what you want him to do. Out with it, and just ask. "Hey brother, would you mind helping me move this saturday?" Throwing in that you are organized and will have shit ready to go helps as well. "We already got the moving van reserved, and everything is packed up and near the door." Obviously, moving is just one of the many big guy activities that they get asked to do on a pretty constant basis, but it is the easiest example, so it is the one that I chose. Deviating from that basic formula in a request will probably end up in you getting a "Sorry, bud, I'm busy that day... and the next".
The reason for the formulaic approach is because your FNBG will probably have had more requests to do the task you're looking for help with already in his life than you will in your entire life. Need something heavy lifted/moved/chopped/split/done? Yeah, he may have done that once or twice. Need help moving your home? He's had to take his share of fridge doors off to get your "GIGANTOR FREEZOMATIC 10,000" through your 32" frame doorway. Because he has been through it all many times, he is going to be able to SMELL the projects that are going to be an enormous pain in the ass. He knows which house he will roll up to, and see shit strewn about even though you said you "would probably be all ready by saturday", and which house will have every possible item stacked nicely by size in the garage. Easiest way to ensure that your friend the FNBG will come help you out is to keep it simple.
So, it is the day of the project. There are some things which are not "necessary", but will greatly increase your chances at a repeat helping by your FNBG, and the requirements vary by length of time. If it is just a quick "move item A to spot B" thing that you couldn't do by yourself, then schedule it before going out to a bar, and buy the big guy a beer or dinner. If you're asking for under an hour of labor (I cut this big oak down in my back yard, and I need help hauling the wheels over to the pile where I'm going to split it 'cause I don't want the chips all over my grass), then have something like a gatorade for him to drink while he's hauling shit (especially if it is hot... who cuts down trees in late August, you friggin sadist), and have a cooler of beers and some good brats (not the prepackaged ones... get some good ones from your local butcher, you cheapass) to grill out when you are done.
If you are trying to do Satan's good work, and move a house, then you pretty much owe your FNBG your firstborn. Helping someone move a house for a FNBG is different than other people. They come over fully expecting to be one of the two men on your 20 person sofa, your fridge/freezer, your washing machine, your 85 inch TV with the heavy tubes from the 80's, and all of the other nasty shit, and they fully expect that the person on the other end is going to be all of 90 pounds when soaked. They are ready for a day of "hold on, let me adjust... hold on... adjusting... whoop, wait... okay, go... wait... adjusting... hold on... wait...", and they are never let down. In prep for a moving day, have EVERYTHING POSSIBLE by the front door or in the garage the NIGHT BEFORE. Have everything out. Have your stairways free of crap. Have your doorways unblocked. Make sure that the moving truck is there before anyone is supposed to show. If you are a female, or have a female in your house, please take a friggin zanex, or whatever calms you down; The FNBG knows that what he is carrying (N.B. while you are walking alongside him with nothing in your hands) is precious and breakable. Informing him of such things will do nothing but aggravate him. Also, for the love of everything that is holy, please have a big enough truck for one trip, and don't question the stacking / tetris abilities of the FNBG. He has had no little practice, and is an artist. And nothing is as demoralizing as having to unload an entire truck just to go back and load it up again.
So, what do you need to make sure is there / do to ensure that the FNBG will still be your friend after a day of moving? Again, have a cooler full of gatorade, and a different cooler full of good beer. Have the gatorade out and available during the move from the old house to the truck. When the truck is loaded, and the bay is closed, let everyone sit down on whatever they can find, and crack a beer or two, and just catch a breath. Chances are, if you got a couple of people to help, there have been 2-3 guys standing around picking their asses while the FNBG and maybe one other person have been working asses off. Take as long of a break as the FNBG needs to recoup. Once everyone is ready, hide the beer cooler again. At the new house, boxes and whatever only get unloaded to the garage or inside the front door (whichever is closer / available). The only things that get put into place are the things that you really need help with. The armoires / chests / beds / televisions / tables / furniture go in and get put in place. When that is done, you should have pizzas on their way. While it may sound like a good idea to take the FNBG out, moving big shit takes a ton out of a person, and makes 'em all dirty and nasty as well as tired, so just stick with delivery pizza. Many of them. Bring the cooler of beer out, and tell entertaining stories. If you were able to keep the FNBG entertained, and the women from nagging enough, there is a chance that you can keep your FNBG as a friend.
Also, one positive thing that can be done to ensure that your FNBG is still around after a string of hard work is to have a woman go up, and put a hand on the FNBG's arm, and sincerely say "thank you so much, we couldn't have done it without you." The big guy's defenses will be down at that point since he is all tired from lugging around your shit, so that comment will stick harder, and he'll feel pretty good about the help he just gave.
I just wanted to take the time today to have a chat with you all, and take the time to sit down and share some etiquette with everyone with respect to their own friendly neighborhood big guy. Every woman that has had to walk to her car that she parked in an unlit alley at 4AM after a long night of dancing at the bar, and every man who has thrown a little too much lip at some unsavory characters at the bar all love having their friendly neighborhood big guy there. If you DON'T know your FNBG, read through this lengthy discourse first, then introduce yourself to your local rep.
Meeting your FNBG
Oftentimes, if you know the FNBG in your area, he is in general a nice guy. The first thing you'll notice about him will likely be his size. While it is okay to mention his size as the first thing you say to him, please try to do so in an inventive and possibly hilarious way. Irony is also acceptable. Saying "Wow, you're huge" gets repetitive after awhile, and I would bet donuts to dollars that your FNBG KNOWS that he is a large individual. Chances are he worked hard to get himself that way. Being huge is not an accident.
Summary: Be polite in your introduction, and if you absolutely MUST mention his size, do it in a funny or ironic way
Caveat: Please do not ask him what he benches when you first meet him. That earns you an automatic "douche-o-matic" flagging
Nicknames for your FNBG
There is a good chance that your FNBG already has a nickname, and there is an even greater chance that that nickname is either "Bear", "Moose", or "Tiny". This nickname was likely given to him in junior highschool by any of the pack of (at the time) 60 pound twittering girls that hung out with his friends, at a time when his overly large size made him feel awkward. Instead of internalizing this name, he embraced it. He has carried that name with him, and has had people introduce him to others as "Bear" or "The Big Bear", and will probably respond to that name quicker than his own name. He is proud of it now. However, real future attempts to give like nicknames should and will be treated with disdain.
Summary: If you don't want to call your FNBG by his real name, wait a bit and find out his already established big person name, then use that
Caveat: Please do not try to make up your own big person name for the FNBG. You'll just look like a tool
When You Need Some Big Work Done
Obviously, make sure that you are friends enough with your FNBG that he knows your name, and at least has your number in his phone before requesting strong work. Yes, the big guy has trained a ton, and has made his body large so that work like that is easier for him, but that doesn't mean that he did it so it was easier for him to do that work for YOU. Make sure you deserve his help with whatever task you are asking help with. An easy guide to follow is:
A) Have I ever bought the FNBG a drink 'cause he's my buddy?
B) Has the FNBG ever bought me a drink 'cause he's my buddy?
C) Have I hung out with the FNBG in the past week or so (without this question in mind)?
If you can answer yes to all of those questions, then it is a safe bet that you can ask the FNBG for some big work. Start off you request with a friendly "Hey buddy", and then hop right into it. Don't pepper your request with appeals to his ego by citing his size and strength. That just makes him wary of what you want him to do. Out with it, and just ask. "Hey brother, would you mind helping me move this saturday?" Throwing in that you are organized and will have shit ready to go helps as well. "We already got the moving van reserved, and everything is packed up and near the door." Obviously, moving is just one of the many big guy activities that they get asked to do on a pretty constant basis, but it is the easiest example, so it is the one that I chose. Deviating from that basic formula in a request will probably end up in you getting a "Sorry, bud, I'm busy that day... and the next".
The reason for the formulaic approach is because your FNBG will probably have had more requests to do the task you're looking for help with already in his life than you will in your entire life. Need something heavy lifted/moved/chopped/split/done? Yeah, he may have done that once or twice. Need help moving your home? He's had to take his share of fridge doors off to get your "GIGANTOR FREEZOMATIC 10,000" through your 32" frame doorway. Because he has been through it all many times, he is going to be able to SMELL the projects that are going to be an enormous pain in the ass. He knows which house he will roll up to, and see shit strewn about even though you said you "would probably be all ready by saturday", and which house will have every possible item stacked nicely by size in the garage. Easiest way to ensure that your friend the FNBG will come help you out is to keep it simple.
So, it is the day of the project. There are some things which are not "necessary", but will greatly increase your chances at a repeat helping by your FNBG, and the requirements vary by length of time. If it is just a quick "move item A to spot B" thing that you couldn't do by yourself, then schedule it before going out to a bar, and buy the big guy a beer or dinner. If you're asking for under an hour of labor (I cut this big oak down in my back yard, and I need help hauling the wheels over to the pile where I'm going to split it 'cause I don't want the chips all over my grass), then have something like a gatorade for him to drink while he's hauling shit (especially if it is hot... who cuts down trees in late August, you friggin sadist), and have a cooler of beers and some good brats (not the prepackaged ones... get some good ones from your local butcher, you cheapass) to grill out when you are done.
If you are trying to do Satan's good work, and move a house, then you pretty much owe your FNBG your firstborn. Helping someone move a house for a FNBG is different than other people. They come over fully expecting to be one of the two men on your 20 person sofa, your fridge/freezer, your washing machine, your 85 inch TV with the heavy tubes from the 80's, and all of the other nasty shit, and they fully expect that the person on the other end is going to be all of 90 pounds when soaked. They are ready for a day of "hold on, let me adjust... hold on... adjusting... whoop, wait... okay, go... wait... adjusting... hold on... wait...", and they are never let down. In prep for a moving day, have EVERYTHING POSSIBLE by the front door or in the garage the NIGHT BEFORE. Have everything out. Have your stairways free of crap. Have your doorways unblocked. Make sure that the moving truck is there before anyone is supposed to show. If you are a female, or have a female in your house, please take a friggin zanex, or whatever calms you down; The FNBG knows that what he is carrying (N.B. while you are walking alongside him with nothing in your hands) is precious and breakable. Informing him of such things will do nothing but aggravate him. Also, for the love of everything that is holy, please have a big enough truck for one trip, and don't question the stacking / tetris abilities of the FNBG. He has had no little practice, and is an artist. And nothing is as demoralizing as having to unload an entire truck just to go back and load it up again.
So, what do you need to make sure is there / do to ensure that the FNBG will still be your friend after a day of moving? Again, have a cooler full of gatorade, and a different cooler full of good beer. Have the gatorade out and available during the move from the old house to the truck. When the truck is loaded, and the bay is closed, let everyone sit down on whatever they can find, and crack a beer or two, and just catch a breath. Chances are, if you got a couple of people to help, there have been 2-3 guys standing around picking their asses while the FNBG and maybe one other person have been working asses off. Take as long of a break as the FNBG needs to recoup. Once everyone is ready, hide the beer cooler again. At the new house, boxes and whatever only get unloaded to the garage or inside the front door (whichever is closer / available). The only things that get put into place are the things that you really need help with. The armoires / chests / beds / televisions / tables / furniture go in and get put in place. When that is done, you should have pizzas on their way. While it may sound like a good idea to take the FNBG out, moving big shit takes a ton out of a person, and makes 'em all dirty and nasty as well as tired, so just stick with delivery pizza. Many of them. Bring the cooler of beer out, and tell entertaining stories. If you were able to keep the FNBG entertained, and the women from nagging enough, there is a chance that you can keep your FNBG as a friend.
Also, one positive thing that can be done to ensure that your FNBG is still around after a string of hard work is to have a woman go up, and put a hand on the FNBG's arm, and sincerely say "thank you so much, we couldn't have done it without you." The big guy's defenses will be down at that point since he is all tired from lugging around your shit, so that comment will stick harder, and he'll feel pretty good about the help he just gave.
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