I love food but it wasn’t about hunger for me when I was stuffed to the gills and still trying to eat more. There was a weird conscious/unconscious self destruction thing going on with me.
Partly a vicious circle as well. Being very Obese was depressing and on my mind every waking minute every day. Except for those 15 to 20 minute chunks when the euphoria and comfort of gluttony gave me some reprieve that was instantly followed with disgust, despair and shame.
I honestly can’t say why I had a compulsion to eat 10 candy bars and a box of donuts and 2 or 3 bottles of soda in the morning on the way to work. Or why every food choice for he rest of the day would be equally as horrific. I knew it was terrible for me, I knew I shouldn’t be doing it and I would have these thoughts internally as I proceeded to purchase and consume them.
I would sometimes say out loud to myself in the car “Don’t do this.” as I pulled into a fast food drive thru. Maybe 1 time out of a 100 I would get to the spot where you place your order and just get a bottle of water or say “Sorry, I forgot my wallet” and just drive away victorious. But 99 times out of 100 I would give in and not only that I would almost as a surprise to myself add to my order in the last second surprising myself.
“I’ll have the number 2 combo with cheese and a Coke Zero…………….AND a double whopper with cheese by itself.”
sure, just add another 1000 plus calories to this 2am snack…. Even when I was able to just order the water or lie about not having money with me to pay I’d usually give in a few minutes later at the next drive thru. It was maddening.
The worst was getting up out of bed at 2am when my alarm was set for 6am for work, getting dressed, and going out in freezing winter conditions to byt food at the grocery store to binge on. There’s so many steps and hurdles to get there but something compelled me to go out of my way to hurt myself all the while knowing I shouldn’t.
I can’t say why I did binge eat and I can’t really say why I am not doing it now. I do track my food to the nth degree and I think that has helped me. There was maybe 2 instances over the last 2 years that approached what would be considered a binge but because I have this compulsion now to weigh and measure And record everything I eat it slowed me down and I watched the calorie number rising as I kept snacking away at things.
In the end I may have just traded a binging/over eating food compulsion for a fitness and control compulsion.