Weight and dating

imaninjadangit

imaninjadangit

New member
I have a question, not just for the girls...
Have you ever started dating someone, and realized that you are the biggest person they have dated? Did it freak you out, or were you confident that they chose you, so they must be attracted?




"Plaudite, amici, comedia finita est."
 
Yes, I have. They didn't point out that I was the biggest person they'd ever dated, it was an assumption I made based on what they told me and pictures I saw etc. I didn't freak out though - they were dating *me* at the time, so they must have seen something in me that attracted them to me. If my size had been a problem, they wouldn't have shown interest in the first place, so no need to freak out. :)
 
Well I can't say I've had this specific situation happen to me, however I have had a similar situation happen which I hope someone can relate to.

I dated someone when I was in shape and it turned into a long term relationship. I gained weight over the course of the relationship, as a result, I lost confidence in myself and yes the fact that I was getting heavier did freak me out. Especially since this girl was rather attractive and could probably find another boyfriend rather easily. It shifted the power of the relationship, I felt insecure and our relationship suffered as a result.

I feel keeping your own life in order, not just your body but all aspects of your life, is very important for all relationships. A strong foundation is needed for a relationship to be built upon(cliché, I know, but I think it still holds true).
 
San...you're right. :)

Snezy...it's really not as deep as that with me. You would be completely right in most cases, and your opinion is very sound. With me, though, I am very confident. I love my job, my kids, my town(just moved here), my weight loss progress....I am even starting to love my body. That's why I don't understand my issue. I guess what I'm wanting to know is if this is normal for everyone, or is it a weight-centric issue.
A tiny bit of back story...the guy and I were sweethearts in junior high. I broke up with him, because a jealous girl told me he had cheated. Over the years, we remained friends, in and out of each other's lives. We almost dated a few times, but the timing was never right. Recently, that jealous girl and I were talking about school and old things...wow, 15 years ago....and she confessed to lying. Right around my birthday, he texted me, and told me that he always regretted not coming for me in all of these years. We started really talking, and now things have progressed. It's like I've found my best friend. He is so kind, and everything I've ever wanted. So...I'm thinking that the real problem may be that I am so into him, and my body is still intransition, that I am afraid he won't like what he sees.

Bleh! Lol

"Plaudite, amici, comedia finita est."
 
It sounds to me that you just really like this guy and don't wanna mess it up! :p

I think everyone gets self conscious about their own short comings, I don't think it's specifically a weight issue.
 
imaninjadangit said:
I have a question, not just for the girls...
Have you ever started dating someone, and realized that you are the biggest person they have dated? Did it freak you out, or were you confident that they chose you, so they must be attracted?




"Plaudite, amici, comedia finita est."
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You're only feeling that way because you're comparing yourself to your partner's ex and how they looked. I wish I could help you, but I can't. Why? Because I do the same thing. And, my weight makes me extremely insecure and it bothers me greatly. How could it not, you know?
 
ChefChiTown said:
You're only feeling that way because you're comparing yourself to your partner's ex and how they looked. I wish I could help you, but I can't. Why? Because I do the same thing. And, my weight makes me extremely insecure and it bothers me greatly. How could it not, you know?
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No, that does help. Just needed to know that it's a common thing, I guess. lol
 
imaninjadangit said:
No, that does help. Just needed to know that it's a common thing, I guess. lol
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Yeah, I guess it's common. I wish it wasn't though. It's a shitty feeling and it's seemingly impossible to shake.

I think a lot of it stems from personal insecurities. I'm not sure though. I'm usually pretty good at figuring out where the stem of an issue lies, but not with this one. And, I don't know why. Anyway...

I'm fat. I know it, but I don't like. I can admit it, but I still don't like it. I feel shitty about how fat I am. It's not a good feeling. And, what makes me feel even shittier about my weight is that my girlfriend's ex isn't fat like me. He's taller than me, in better shape than me, better looking than me, etc. So, when I know that she sees him, I know she's not seeing a fat piece of crap - that's what she sees when she sees me. And, I don't like that. It makes me very uncomfortable in my own skin.

And, it just makes me wonder - "What in the HELL is she doing with me? She traded in what she had for someone who is fatter, not as attractive, not as active, etc." Not to mention, I don't have as good of a job, I don't have as much money, or a nice house, or this, or that, blah blah blah. It all adds up. And, I don't know how to NOT let it get to me, you know? Well, yeah...you do know, HAHAHA...hence this thread.

Anyway, no...you're not alone. And, it's not just women either. I'm a man (I think) and I'm extremely insecure about how I look as compared to my girlfriend's ex. I feel like I was a downgrade in the looks/body department, so...yeeeeeah.
 
wow Chef ! i was reading this post and i gotta say u need to keep your head up! i mean the magic work in what u said is that the guy u r talking about is her EX! is she didnt want u she wouldnt be with you! not only did u put yourself down physically but also about your job and all! If this girl is with u it s cause u have things that this guy didnt have and that s what makes u more special!

anyways all that to say that we all have our insecurities... fat or skinny! honnestly most of my friends if not all are skinny! yup i m the lucky one :p
and they complain allll the time about how they look how their ass is flat how they can b insecure with a new guy for wich ever reason ! so really it s not about our weight but how we feel in the inside! :)

I think that us going through this journey can only make us stronger and 1 pound at a time we need to keep our head high

anyways .... ;) xx
 
Real relationships are based on how we feel about the other person not what they look like.

Whatever we look like, young, old, fat, skinny, etc it is only for that moment in time so we stay with partners based on how we feel about them.

I've heard of people not dating someone because of what they look like but I have never heard of anyone leaving a partner because of what they look like. Real relationships between people who are bonded and care deeply about one another don't break up for shallow reasons. It's hard to find a person you feel that way about and no one gives that up without a fight!
 
Spinner1964 said:
Real relationships are based on how we feel about the other person not what they look like.

Whatever we look like, young, old, fat, skinny, etc it is only for that moment in time so we stay with partners based on how we feel about them.

I've heard of people not dating someone because of what they look like but I have never heard of anyone leaving a partner because of what they look like. Real relationships between people who are bonded and care deeply about one another don't break up for shallow reasons. It's hard to find a person you feel that way about and no one gives that up without a fight!
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I agree with most of your point, but I don't agree that physical appearance has nothing to do with a relationship. Intimacy is an important part of many relationships, and if your physical appearance is affecting your intimacy it is also directly affecting your relationship.
 
ChefChiTown said:
And, it just makes me wonder - "What in the HELL is she doing with me?
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Hmmm...maybe because she's IN LOVE WITH YOU? :confused: .... thinks you are a GORGEOUS man? ...Thinks that you are sweet, kind, romantic, smart, thoughtful, hilarious, unselfish, honest, unbelievably awesome in bed ;), dedicated to her beyond belief, love her more than anything else, and thinks that you're perfect for her??? Hmmm..maybe?...just a thought.
 
jen_renee said:
Hmmm...maybe because she's IN LOVE WITH YOU? :confused: .... thinks you are a GORGEOUS man? ...Thinks that you are sweet, kind, romantic, smart, thoughtful, hilarious, unselfish, honest, unbelievably awesome in bed ;), dedicated to her beyond belief, love her more than anything else, and thinks that you're perfect for her??? Hmmm..maybe?...just a thought.
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Hmm...what else you got?

HAHAHAHA, I'm just kidding. I know all of that, I do (and imaninja should know that of her boyfriend too). But, it's hard to get past the undeniable fact that I'm fat and the ex is not. I don't feel as attractive as the ex. And, it makes me insecure, wondering what you think when you look at your ex. Because, I know he's not a fat slob like me...which is hard to deal with. And, I think that's what imaninja is inquiring about - how to get past that fact - how to deal with it - how to see past it and get rid of her insecurities.
 
ChefChiTown said:
And, it makes me insecure, wondering what you think when you look at your ex.
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I think that he's my EX, for many reasons.

The way we see ourselves and think of ourselves is usually a lot worse than how other people see us. I think you and I are a prime example. You see yourself as a fat slob....I see you as the most gorgeous man alive( I'm right, you're wrong..by the way :p) I worry about how I look all the time, compare myself to your ex....and you tell me I'm the most beautiful girl there is. We all have insecurities.



Before this turns into couples therapy..HAHAHA. Robyn you're beautiful...inside and out. He would be lucky to have YOU. :)
 
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You two are too cute. Lol. I was waiting to see Jen's response to your post, Chi. She did not disappoint. :)

Thank you guys for responding. I actually has helped a lot. He told me today that he's extremely nervous around me, because I'm so pretty. Lol! He said he's never had anyone so sweet, and he's afraid of doing anything wrong to lose me. He also said, though, that he never plans on letting me go again. So....yeah. I think my insecurities will be fleeting. :D



"Plaudite, amici, comedia finita est."
 
I have been dating the man of my dreams for 11 months now. He proposed to me in June and we will be getting married next summer. My problem was in him having dated someone smaller than me. In fact when we started dating last year, I was at a nice healthy weight. This wonderful year led me to pack on about 20lbs, don't ask my how! Anyways, the past few months have left me down and depressed about my weight. He'll squeeze my sides and tell me how much he loves it, but I can't bring myself to love it as much as he does. Anyways, the problem I have right now is the fact that he is skinny as a rail. I believe he weighs in somewhere around 130lbs. Even after I get down to my goal weight of 145lbs, he'll still be skinnier than me! And of course he can eat whatever he wants and it doesn't affect him one bit! ARGH! I know he really loves me, and I've talked with him this week about how I was really going to lose 20-25lbs that I gained, because I wanted to look and feel better. He understood and supports me, but it's really good to know that he loves me no matter what my weight is.

Sorry, that was a bit of a rant.
 
imaninjadangit said:
He told me today that he's extremely nervous around me, because I'm so pretty. Lol! He said he's never had anyone so sweet, and he's afraid of doing anything wrong to lose me. He also said, though, that he never plans on letting me go again. So....yeah. I think my insecurities will be fleeting. :D
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He sounds like a smart man. :)
 
FleurDeLis said:
I have been dating the man of my dreams for 11 months now. He proposed to me in June and we will be getting married next summer. My problem was in him having dated someone smaller than me. In fact when we started dating last year, I was at a nice healthy weight. This wonderful year led me to pack on about 20lbs, don't ask my how! Anyways, the past few months have left me down and depressed about my weight. He'll squeeze my sides and tell me how much he loves it, but I can't bring myself to love it as much as he does. Anyways, the problem I have right now is the fact that he is skinny as a rail. I believe he weighs in somewhere around 130lbs. Even after I get down to my goal weight of 145lbs, he'll still be skinnier than me! And of course he can eat whatever he wants and it doesn't affect him one bit! ARGH! I know he really loves me, and I've talked with him this week about how I was really going to lose 20-25lbs that I gained, because I wanted to look and feel better. He understood and supports me, but it's really good to know that he loves me no matter what my weight is.

Sorry, that was a bit of a rant.
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Don't be sorry! That's why this thread was started! I was hoping that this might be a common problem that could be talked about. So often we talk about weight loss, but not the feelings that go into having the weight.

I completely understand what you're saying. My guy is 220lbs....a lean 220. I feel like an orange standing next to a toothpick. My problem is that I really haven't seen his exes. I'm just assuming they're smaller. He has told me that he likes thicker girls, though. lol The more I type, the more my foot is inserted into my mouth. :rotflmao:
 
You know what's REALLY sad? He tells me constantly what a great person I am. He told me that he has never met anyone as amazing as I am, and that he never felt love before me. He was married a few years ago, and she ended up being completely crazy. Like...stalker crazy. He said he never wanted to get married again, because of her. Now, he slips marriage into conversations every once in a while. I told him yesterday that I had a dream I had married another man, but the whole time I was thinking that I should be with him. He said, "Well, that dream is invalid, because you're going to marry me." :D So, needless to say, my insecurities are slipping.
 
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