tamwalt
New member
Warning: The first post can be triggering.
********************
As a child, I was molested. As a teenager, I was sexually assaulted. As an adult, I have been raped and domestically abused.
What does this have to do with weight gain / loss? Everything. The connection between sexual abuse and developing an eating disorder is guilt, shame, anesthesia, self-punishment, soothing, comfort, protection and rage. Food has become a self-destructive coping mechanism that keeps me "safe" in an unsafe world where survival is key. I have been wearing my weight as armor.
Survivors find it difficult to trust others. I was betrayed by adults who were meant to nurture / protect me. When children are abused, they come to believe the messages their abusers deliver, such as: 'You are worthless', 'You have no value', "This is your fault". Of course, these messages are not true, but children accept and internalise them. These messages become so ingrained that, when a child who has been abused or traumatised grows up, the adult survivor will often experience feelings of low self-worth or poor self-confidence.
Childhood trauma and abuse can affect the body too. Children who feel perpetually in danger grow up with a heightened stress response. This in turn heightens emotions, makes it difficult to sleep, lowers immune function, and, over time, increases the risk of a number of physical illnesses.
Adult survivors are at increased risk of chronic pain and fibromylgia, gynaecological problems, irritable bowel syndrome, diabetes, arthritis, headaches, cardiovascular disease, and chronic fatigue syndrome. They are also more likely to smoke, drink, and eat more than other people in the community, and be less physically active. These factors can all affect health and wellbeing in later life.
Domestic violence often has a ripple effect that tears through the fabric of the victim’s life. The psychological, emotional, and social impacts of domestic violence can linger long after the violence has subsided, and even after the victim has left the abusive partner (and don't get me started on my abusive alcoholic father).
Survivors find it difficult to form and sustain relationships. I have few friends. I have been divorced twice because even after all the abuse I endured, I was still never enough for my spouses. They cheated on me and wanted "polygamy", to the extent of convincing me to "try it". My ex-husband used sexual coercion, bullying tactics, gaslighting, and he often threatened to kill me, graphically describing how he would slit my throat in my sleep. My ex-wife used sexual coercion to convince me to have sex with several men to suit her desires, gaslighting, manipulating and bullying me, and she would tell me to go kill myself on a weekly basis.
I have recently determined that I not only have a history of toxic and unhealthy relationships with others, but I am in an unhealthy and toxic relationship with myself. I am toxic to myself, because I hate myself for letting myself be victimized in the first place, let alone repeatedly; so the cycle of abuse never ends. For instance, I have struggled with self-destructive behavior since I was 13 years old -- whether by overeating, binge eating, cutting and bruising myself, smoking cigarettes, getting involved with toxic abusive people, meeting up with strangers, etc.
Since leaving my recent abuser, I am able to evaluate things with a clearer mind (with professional help and support of my friend). I am able to start focusing on taking care of myself, something I have rarely done in the past. I am learning how to create boundaries. I am also starting to learn and understand what love really looks like and realizing that I have none for myself (but need to love myself). The ability to now focus on getting right spiritually is also helping immensely.
This is just a piece of the healing process for me, but its a scary piece...
Let the journey begin!
Start weight: 345 lbs
Start BMI: 61.1
Goal weight: 130 lbs
Goal BMI: 23
Need to lose: 215 lbs
Additional factors that can stand in my way:
Mental health issues: PTSD, MDD, DID, Self-injury.
Health issues: fibromyalgia, asthma, hypoxia, prediabetes, acid reflux.
Surgeries: laparoscopic cholecystectomy (gallbladder removal).
Foods to try to avoid / eat less of because of my health issues: red meat, pork, fried foods, gluten, nightshades, high fat dairy, caffeinated food and drinks, monosodium glutamate and other food additives.
Sensitivities: acidic foods, dairy, and artificial sweeteners.
Thank you,
Tamara.
********************
As a child, I was molested. As a teenager, I was sexually assaulted. As an adult, I have been raped and domestically abused.
What does this have to do with weight gain / loss? Everything. The connection between sexual abuse and developing an eating disorder is guilt, shame, anesthesia, self-punishment, soothing, comfort, protection and rage. Food has become a self-destructive coping mechanism that keeps me "safe" in an unsafe world where survival is key. I have been wearing my weight as armor.
Survivors find it difficult to trust others. I was betrayed by adults who were meant to nurture / protect me. When children are abused, they come to believe the messages their abusers deliver, such as: 'You are worthless', 'You have no value', "This is your fault". Of course, these messages are not true, but children accept and internalise them. These messages become so ingrained that, when a child who has been abused or traumatised grows up, the adult survivor will often experience feelings of low self-worth or poor self-confidence.
Childhood trauma and abuse can affect the body too. Children who feel perpetually in danger grow up with a heightened stress response. This in turn heightens emotions, makes it difficult to sleep, lowers immune function, and, over time, increases the risk of a number of physical illnesses.
Adult survivors are at increased risk of chronic pain and fibromylgia, gynaecological problems, irritable bowel syndrome, diabetes, arthritis, headaches, cardiovascular disease, and chronic fatigue syndrome. They are also more likely to smoke, drink, and eat more than other people in the community, and be less physically active. These factors can all affect health and wellbeing in later life.
Domestic violence often has a ripple effect that tears through the fabric of the victim’s life. The psychological, emotional, and social impacts of domestic violence can linger long after the violence has subsided, and even after the victim has left the abusive partner (and don't get me started on my abusive alcoholic father).
Survivors find it difficult to form and sustain relationships. I have few friends. I have been divorced twice because even after all the abuse I endured, I was still never enough for my spouses. They cheated on me and wanted "polygamy", to the extent of convincing me to "try it". My ex-husband used sexual coercion, bullying tactics, gaslighting, and he often threatened to kill me, graphically describing how he would slit my throat in my sleep. My ex-wife used sexual coercion to convince me to have sex with several men to suit her desires, gaslighting, manipulating and bullying me, and she would tell me to go kill myself on a weekly basis.
I have recently determined that I not only have a history of toxic and unhealthy relationships with others, but I am in an unhealthy and toxic relationship with myself. I am toxic to myself, because I hate myself for letting myself be victimized in the first place, let alone repeatedly; so the cycle of abuse never ends. For instance, I have struggled with self-destructive behavior since I was 13 years old -- whether by overeating, binge eating, cutting and bruising myself, smoking cigarettes, getting involved with toxic abusive people, meeting up with strangers, etc.
Since leaving my recent abuser, I am able to evaluate things with a clearer mind (with professional help and support of my friend). I am able to start focusing on taking care of myself, something I have rarely done in the past. I am learning how to create boundaries. I am also starting to learn and understand what love really looks like and realizing that I have none for myself (but need to love myself). The ability to now focus on getting right spiritually is also helping immensely.
This is just a piece of the healing process for me, but its a scary piece...
Let the journey begin!
Start weight: 345 lbs
Start BMI: 61.1
Goal weight: 130 lbs
Goal BMI: 23
Need to lose: 215 lbs
Additional factors that can stand in my way:
Mental health issues: PTSD, MDD, DID, Self-injury.
Health issues: fibromyalgia, asthma, hypoxia, prediabetes, acid reflux.
Surgeries: laparoscopic cholecystectomy (gallbladder removal).
Foods to try to avoid / eat less of because of my health issues: red meat, pork, fried foods, gluten, nightshades, high fat dairy, caffeinated food and drinks, monosodium glutamate and other food additives.
Sensitivities: acidic foods, dairy, and artificial sweeteners.
Thank you,
Tamara.
