Two kids and baby weight won't leave.

[munday23]

I'm new to this site, and looking for a way to hopefully find some motivation to lose weight. I was always kind of overweight from age 12 until my senior year of highschool when I found out I was pregnant, then I really packed on the pounds. I started living with my now husband and we ate whatever we wanted when we wanted, and I was in the mindset of "Oh I'm pregnant and can eat whatever, I will lose the weight after." I was 160 before I got pregnant and after I had my son in May 2011 my starting weight was 207. I quickly realized how hard losing weight actually was. I went on the 17 day diet and by December 2011 I was down to 192. Then I got engaged in March of 2012 and decided it was time to lose more weight. I then tried weight watchers for a few months, and on my wedding day in August 2012 I was down to 175 about 15 pounds away from my highschool weight. I started getting discouraged when I started losing weight slowly, so I did something I never thought I'd do. At first it was nothing to me, if i just felt overly full or bloated I would throw up what I ate. I felt in control of when I did it and didn't see it as a big deal. Then I started throwing up every single thing I ate, no matter what it was. Even if I just ate an apple I would feel super full and feel the need to throw up. I started seeing it as a big problem and didn't know how to stop. In May of 2013 I weighed 135 lbs. I felt decent about my body but hated what I was doing to myself. I hated looking in the mirror and seeing stretch marks and a belly pooch even though I'd lost so much weight. I continued to make myself throw up until November of 2013 I found out I was expecting again. I knew right away I had to stop, which I did, but right away where I was used to throwing up everything I quickly gained 20 lbs within a span of a few weeks because my body wasn't used to tolerating any type of food. Right before I had my second son in July 2014 I weighed 215 lbs. It is now December 2014 and I've gotten down to 194 by doing low carb but as soon as I stopped I'm right back at 216 lbs. I don't know what to do. I don't want to go back to making myself throw up but I have no motivation. I feel depressed about my weight, and I absolutely hate my body. I can't even begin to describe the awful things that run through my mind about myself on a daily basis. I want to healthily get down to 125 lbs so thats 90 lbs and I just don't know how to do it. I know the basic rules, eat less; eat healthy; excercise; drink water. More or less I don't know how to find the motivation. I want to feel good about myself and not get out of breath walking up 15 steps. I want to be healthy for my kids, husband, and myself. I'm 22 and don't want to look back on my life thinking I could have been skinny but I didn't try.