I think my biggest problem is that I don't take very good care of myself. The reason I say that is because on the weekends when I am home I just feel so overwhelmed and tired. I work full time, and I pay all the bills at my place, my three adult children live with me and they don't help out around the house nor pay bills (a huge problem that I decided long ago just wasn't worth getting mad about anymore), they're messy and they eat all the "healthy" food (they're girls and they think they're all princesses). I feel like for the past 30 years all I have done is work, cook, clean, repeat, and I am exhausted (single parent). No help from anyone else. I've always been the one to do it all, and I'm getting older, and more tired, and now I come home from work and I don't have the energy that I used to have. No one takes care of me, no one is there for me, you know? I am alone, no hugs, no companionship, no nothing. I come home from work and there is a mess waiting for me, and I feel like sometimes I have no energy to keep up. I will use what energy I have to come home, wash dishes, cook dinner, eat, undress, hot bath, and climb into bed on a Friday night. Come Saturday morning, I am just exhausted. I can barely get up. I get up and move around, get water to drink and maybe around noon I will finally make something to eat, but that is the only thing I will make to eat, and I try to do minimal cooking, because I don't want to do more cleaning. I just want to lay on my bed, and zone out, rest, read, watch Netflix, do a load of laundry, just the bare minimum. I don't even want to shower and get dressed and go anywhere. I feel like I am just flat out - no energy - and tired. By the time 9pm rolls around I'm laying there thinking how I wasted my entire day. But, oh well I still have Sunday and I hopefully I will have enough energy come Sunday to do stuff. I'm usually hungry by then but too lazy to make anything to eat, and I go to sleep (just not taking care of myself). Come Sunday I feel weak, and down. One more day left and I have to go back to work. I roll over in my bed, cover my head and try to sleep more. Sometimes by 3pm I finally feel like getting up, but it's too much effort most of the time to even consider showering and going out or anything. I just want to hide from the world and all the responsibilities. I'm usually starving by now and still feeling like I just don't want to cook anything. It's the effort that feels like too much. I lay there and wish I had someone to count on who would take care of me when I am just dead tired. Finally when I do get out of bed I am still in my pajamas and I hear my kids and all their friends downstairs hanging out and I think oh man, I don't want to walk downstairs in my pajamas in front of all their friends, never mind, I'm just going to go back to bed. I feel like a prisoner in my own room. Anyways, what I am getting at is my situation is such that I am always tired. Don't want to exert effort to cook a good meal, half the time the kids eat all the food I buy anyways and there's nothing really left that I want to eat. I just wait until everyone leaves and then by that time it's once again 9pm and I finally come out of my room where I was happily (or not so happily) hermiting away and make something (anything) to eat with no thought at this point to calories. Usually these meals tend to be not that healthy. They could be something like ramen with egg, or bagels and cream cheese, sweet tea, cookies, whatever. You know? The things that are quick and easy and not that good for me. And, then I come into the office on Monday and there are always donuts, cookies, bagels, coffee with creamer, etc. I eat more at work than I do at home. Sometimes on the way home, I anticipate that my kids have friends over and they've probably already made a mess in the kitchen, or didn't clean dishes or something, and I know myself, I can't cook in a kitchen that is a mess, so that means I will have to clean it up, and then cook my dinner, which means I won't get into bed until very late, and I really am too tired, so I just say F it, I'm going to go to Taco Bell on the way home and grab something quick to eat, get home, run up to my room, turn on Netflix, eat in my room and then go to bed. My life has become a place where I am really not utilizing my kitchen to cook. I'm just eating whatever is around me that I can get my hands on when I can and not paying attention to healthy eating, even though I constantly worry that I am not getting enough nutrition, so that when I do get in my moods to cook nutritiously I tend to over-worry and eat more than I should. Like twice as much meat (since I barely eat meat) and twice as much veggies (since I barely find time to cook them). I feel like the only time I eat healthy is when I go to a good restaurant. I swear my biggest problem is that I live with other people and have to share my space. I wish I lived alone completely, so my home would be clean and my kitchen would have the foods I need to eat when I need to eat them, and I know that I might get advice to tell my kids to pitch in and help but the problem is not with them, they're who they are. The problem is with me running away from responsibilities (because I am too tired) and because I don't want to be around people when I am in my pajamas, but I want to be in my pajamas on the weekends, because I want to be comfortable, and I don't feel like getting all showered and dressed up to just sit in my room and watch Netflix, and lately it's been raining like crazy and too cold to really go out and go on my nature walks. I just rather stay home. If I lived alone, this would not be a problem, but because I am super shy, it becomes a huge problem and I just recluse into my bedroom on the weekends, and my kids and all of their friends come and go and do their own things, and just think "Oh, mom will clean... mom always cleans... " which I do, or rather did, until I started to get more tired as I got older, and now I am really feeling it. Getting old really changes things. I have almost no energy these days.
P.S. I like to invent words. Hermiting is one of the words I just wrote above that probably isn't a real word, but I mean to hide away, to hermit away or to be disposed to do so.
