Sorry this is a little lengthy.
Plot: I never enjoyed doing any kind of work. While attending a community college, I realized that I didn't like having other people force their views down my throat so I ended up quiting.(I do not regret this) I planned on changing my horrendous off the books summer construction job into a life-long career. Finally, the disrespect and other social-related problems became overwhelming and I quit(I don't regret this either). I enjoyed 6 months of hanging out with my friend, when my alleged father told me i had to get a job or he was going to kick me out. I could not see myself ever working a job, and I had planned a lifestyle of homelessness since schooling and working failed. After 5 days, my friend was able to convince me that being homeless would be unpleasurable. I accomplished many of the 'requirements' that the alleged father demanded I do if I wanted to continue living in his home. Two weeks of getting rejected from tons of jobs, I still continued the search only when he decided to set up weekly physcologist appointments which is now becoming unbearable.
Conflict: I believe in 'stepbrothers' movie while the 'alleged' father only appreciates the american culture. After compromising many of my beliefs he is still pressuring me(it's only pressure because i have the power to physically resist counseling). I finally got a job, and i'm waiting on them to call with my hours. I did everything 'dad' wanted but now it isn't good enough and the hitler-appeasment process begins. I'm tired of people looking down on me because im seeing this shrink, meanwhile the shrink seems to be a bit of a whackjob himself. 'Dad' wants me "be happy" and to prove this by acting like everyone else; something I despise. I'm growing re-accustomed to living in this filthy house, and now I have lost the resolve to be homeless, nor do i have desire to work. Even getting this job wouldn't silence the ***s, and I doubt ill be able to hold onto this job for long. If only I had lied to 'dad' and told him that the current job I was looking for would be temporary then maybe I wouldn't be in this predicament. Being completely truthful has done no good for me. I barely enjoy life and now they are pressuring me to become integrated with society. This means that I can 'earn' less than what I already have while not costing 'dad' any additional expenses (he still wants/needs a house for himself, i barely use electricity, wash my own clothes with a hose, buy my own food etc) He keeps suggesting jobs that I can get but which involve me dealing with people-something I tried so hard to avoid. The physcologist wants to reprogram me, trying to get me to 'realize' my beliefs are misguided fantasies, that I need a plan that will sustain my life according to their standards etc.. Who the hell gets sent to a shrink because they don't want to work? Then they start looking for a job and then the appointment is made. Then they get a job and the appointments continue, meanwhile they can't change my thinking because I think of them as inferior creatures. Only I can change what I think and what I do. They are only making matters worse, they won't stop pissing me off!
These are the options I have.
1: Take a knife to the next 'meeting' and provide an ultimatum or simply kill myself infront of them(enjoyable to see them see me kill myself because the sessions are that irritating and pointless)
2: Tell them that I will not see the pyscologist anymore(or push it and say I won't work ever again) so if 'dad' wants to kick me out thats fine but i wont live a life of a homeless person. Once my bank account reaches 0$ or the money becomes inaccessible I committ suicide. The more people ask of me the sooner I die. If their knowledge of my existence has value then they can pay to keep me alive. - I think this might be the winning solution.
3: Suicide right here and now. - Also good.
4: Attempt to lie(i'm bad at it because I almost never lie...ever...)
5: Act (like the joker) or make references to my music that he will not understand, perhaps soak my money in lighter fluid and light it in front of them and explain to them that it's not about the money, It's about the message.
6: Buy a car and wage war against the police and other drivers on the road(this would be cool, fun, and logical since both groups have wronged me.
7: Order a shotgun, wait for the 'background check' to clear and buy the appropriate ammunition to ensure death.
8: Wait to die. Continue to pray to God to strike me down where I stand...
9: Continue living this bull**** life wondering why I am still alive, allowing people to 'fuk' me over based on the assumption that they are helping me.
Logically suicide is the most positive of all choices but the natural tendency not to kill oneself has kept me alive thus far. Everything wasn't bad during my 6 month vacation which had to come to an end. It's the counseling, then the never ending demands, lack of purpose in life, having to work to sustain life which I dont give a **** about. I'm not even depressed, im just tired of living. It's always the same ****, and doing different 'fun' tasks is unpleasureable. I sold off all my possessions in preparation of being homeless, I don't miss any of them but it also takes care of dividing up my loot when i'm gone. Life will only become a bigger pain in the ass if im living independantly so the % of good in my life will be higher if i end my life now. I'm only pissed I had to be born, life sucks if you are cool.
A few weeks ago I spent an hour creating a list of things that I enjoy: my music, some tv, taking a shower, fresh air, (chicks are not worth the trouble, jerking off is a boring task)looking at myself in a mirror(not the working out part though),5 minutes of sunlight, cigarettes(sometimes), and sleeping. Suicide is an end all solution. I don't think living and enjoying a few moments is worth the volume and level of bs I encounter daily. Stupidity is an unstoppable force. The smarter you are the easier it is to see flaws in everything. The more different you are the harder it is to adapt. Maybe this shouldn't be considered suicide, just evolution. I just over-evolved :/
Plot: I never enjoyed doing any kind of work. While attending a community college, I realized that I didn't like having other people force their views down my throat so I ended up quiting.(I do not regret this) I planned on changing my horrendous off the books summer construction job into a life-long career. Finally, the disrespect and other social-related problems became overwhelming and I quit(I don't regret this either). I enjoyed 6 months of hanging out with my friend, when my alleged father told me i had to get a job or he was going to kick me out. I could not see myself ever working a job, and I had planned a lifestyle of homelessness since schooling and working failed. After 5 days, my friend was able to convince me that being homeless would be unpleasurable. I accomplished many of the 'requirements' that the alleged father demanded I do if I wanted to continue living in his home. Two weeks of getting rejected from tons of jobs, I still continued the search only when he decided to set up weekly physcologist appointments which is now becoming unbearable.
Conflict: I believe in 'stepbrothers' movie while the 'alleged' father only appreciates the american culture. After compromising many of my beliefs he is still pressuring me(it's only pressure because i have the power to physically resist counseling). I finally got a job, and i'm waiting on them to call with my hours. I did everything 'dad' wanted but now it isn't good enough and the hitler-appeasment process begins. I'm tired of people looking down on me because im seeing this shrink, meanwhile the shrink seems to be a bit of a whackjob himself. 'Dad' wants me "be happy" and to prove this by acting like everyone else; something I despise. I'm growing re-accustomed to living in this filthy house, and now I have lost the resolve to be homeless, nor do i have desire to work. Even getting this job wouldn't silence the ***s, and I doubt ill be able to hold onto this job for long. If only I had lied to 'dad' and told him that the current job I was looking for would be temporary then maybe I wouldn't be in this predicament. Being completely truthful has done no good for me. I barely enjoy life and now they are pressuring me to become integrated with society. This means that I can 'earn' less than what I already have while not costing 'dad' any additional expenses (he still wants/needs a house for himself, i barely use electricity, wash my own clothes with a hose, buy my own food etc) He keeps suggesting jobs that I can get but which involve me dealing with people-something I tried so hard to avoid. The physcologist wants to reprogram me, trying to get me to 'realize' my beliefs are misguided fantasies, that I need a plan that will sustain my life according to their standards etc.. Who the hell gets sent to a shrink because they don't want to work? Then they start looking for a job and then the appointment is made. Then they get a job and the appointments continue, meanwhile they can't change my thinking because I think of them as inferior creatures. Only I can change what I think and what I do. They are only making matters worse, they won't stop pissing me off!
These are the options I have.
1: Take a knife to the next 'meeting' and provide an ultimatum or simply kill myself infront of them(enjoyable to see them see me kill myself because the sessions are that irritating and pointless)
2: Tell them that I will not see the pyscologist anymore(or push it and say I won't work ever again) so if 'dad' wants to kick me out thats fine but i wont live a life of a homeless person. Once my bank account reaches 0$ or the money becomes inaccessible I committ suicide. The more people ask of me the sooner I die. If their knowledge of my existence has value then they can pay to keep me alive. - I think this might be the winning solution.
3: Suicide right here and now. - Also good.
4: Attempt to lie(i'm bad at it because I almost never lie...ever...)
5: Act (like the joker) or make references to my music that he will not understand, perhaps soak my money in lighter fluid and light it in front of them and explain to them that it's not about the money, It's about the message.
6: Buy a car and wage war against the police and other drivers on the road(this would be cool, fun, and logical since both groups have wronged me.
7: Order a shotgun, wait for the 'background check' to clear and buy the appropriate ammunition to ensure death.
8: Wait to die. Continue to pray to God to strike me down where I stand...
9: Continue living this bull**** life wondering why I am still alive, allowing people to 'fuk' me over based on the assumption that they are helping me.
Logically suicide is the most positive of all choices but the natural tendency not to kill oneself has kept me alive thus far. Everything wasn't bad during my 6 month vacation which had to come to an end. It's the counseling, then the never ending demands, lack of purpose in life, having to work to sustain life which I dont give a **** about. I'm not even depressed, im just tired of living. It's always the same ****, and doing different 'fun' tasks is unpleasureable. I sold off all my possessions in preparation of being homeless, I don't miss any of them but it also takes care of dividing up my loot when i'm gone. Life will only become a bigger pain in the ass if im living independantly so the % of good in my life will be higher if i end my life now. I'm only pissed I had to be born, life sucks if you are cool.
A few weeks ago I spent an hour creating a list of things that I enjoy: my music, some tv, taking a shower, fresh air, (chicks are not worth the trouble, jerking off is a boring task)looking at myself in a mirror(not the working out part though),5 minutes of sunlight, cigarettes(sometimes), and sleeping. Suicide is an end all solution. I don't think living and enjoying a few moments is worth the volume and level of bs I encounter daily. Stupidity is an unstoppable force. The smarter you are the easier it is to see flaws in everything. The more different you are the harder it is to adapt. Maybe this shouldn't be considered suicide, just evolution. I just over-evolved :/
)