Hello all. I've just joined. I'm feeling SO SO sad wathcing my 21 year old daughter who keeps gaining and gaining weight. She must be 250 pounds now. She has always had a weight problem, and when she was younger, I did all the wrong things (tried to get her help, teach her new habits, took her to a doctor etc...). I've been very restrained in the past two years (she's off at college) but it hurts, hurts, to watch her keep gaining weight. No one else in the family weighs like this. WHAT can I do to help her? She doesn't like her doctor; I'm trying to find her a new one (at her request) but how does one go about finding a general practitioner who will also pay attention and help her with her weight? I can't just sit back and watch her kill herself.... She'll make comments about how fat she has gotten, and she'll start weight watchers for about 3 days, and always quits. It's got to be denial now. It hurts to watch my beloved daughter keep moving down a course that will kill her. What advice, pleasse? And does anyone know of a good female doctor in greater Boston who would be able to be both a GP and aggressive on this weight issue?
PLEASE HELP with some advice
- Thread starter ecnill
- Start date
this question gets asked frequently..
and to be honest - you cannot help someone who doesn't want to be helped - you cannot help someone who's not ready.
What you can do - is stop enabling her.
She's 21? Why are you finding her a doctor? Let her find her own doctor..
When she makes comments about how fat she has gotten - what's your response? Oh honey you're beautiful? you're a parent she is beautiful to you - but instead ask her what she wants to do about it?
and to be honest - you cannot help someone who doesn't want to be helped - you cannot help someone who's not ready.
What you can do - is stop enabling her.
She's 21? Why are you finding her a doctor? Let her find her own doctor..
When she makes comments about how fat she has gotten - what's your response? Oh honey you're beautiful? you're a parent she is beautiful to you - but instead ask her what she wants to do about it?
http://weight-loss.fitness.com/club/15259-helping-my-love-get-stay-motivated.html
and this
This was today's spark people mailer...
Helping Others Make Healthy Lifestyle Choices
The Do's and Don'ts of Motivating Others
-- By Dean Anderson, Behavioral Psychology Expert
If you’ve been working hard to lose weight and adopt a healthy lifestyle, you probably know how difficult that can be, and how important it is to have the support and help of others who are doing the same thing. You’ve probably been inspired by someone else’s success, gotten some important advice, or found a sympathetic listener just at the precise moment when, otherwise, you might have given up. Maybe that happens for you nearly every day.
When important people in your life are also struggling with weight problems or making healthy decisions, you probably want to give them the same help and support you’ve received from others. Easy enough—as long as they’re looking for what you have to offer.
But what do you do when someone you care about doesn’t seem to want to change her lifestyle or lose weight, even though she's putting herself at risk? What if she really wants the results of eating well and exercising regularly, but isn’t so keen on doing the things that make those results happen? How can you motivate someone to do what you know she needs to do—is that even possible?
What You Can't Do
Conventional wisdom says that you can’t motivate someone else. Maybe you can, however, inspire her with your own good example, give her the information she needs to solve problems, or support her when the going gets tough. But like the proverbial light bulb, that person is not going to change her behavior unless and until she wants to change it, and is ready and willing to do what has to be done. The desire and readiness have to come from inside.
This conventional wisdom is probably true, but all it really tells you is what you can’t do to motivate someone else. You can’t provide her with a good reason to get healthy, you can’t persuade her to do it by the sheer brilliance of your logic and persuasive techniques, and you can't convince her by the persistence of your nagging, suggestions, bribes, threats, predictions of disaster, or other manipulative devices. Until the object of your concern wants to do something about her situation, anything you tell her is going to fall on deaf ears.
So, if you’re currently doing any of those things I just mentioned, knock if off before it messes up your relationship and drives both you and the person you’re concerned about crazy with frustration and resentment.
When you think about it, this makes perfect sense. How many people do you know who really want to be unhealthy and overweight, and wouldn’t prefer to look better, feel better, and be as healthy as possible? When someone “isn’t motivated” to lose weight or live a healthy lifestyle, the problem is probably not that she isn't ready or willing to enjoy the obvious benefits of healthy eating and exercise. If things were as simple as that, she’d make those changes in a minute.
More likely, the problem is that, to her, she's "benefiting" (in some way) from the way she's doing things now, and she isn’t sure she’ll still get those same benefits if she makes big changes in her life. Your best chance for motivating her to make desirable changes is to find out what she's getting out of her “unhealthy” behaviors now, and what you can do to help her get those same things without paying the price of obesity, inactivity, and higher health risks.
Let’s take a look at what this means in practical terms.
What You Can Do
The good news is that a healthy lifestyle is something that most people will actually find pleasant and rewarding, once they give it a chance to grow on them. You can’t make that happen for others, or even convince them to try when they don’t want to. But with a little thought and luck, you might just provide the Spark that gets the fire going.
and this
This was today's spark people mailer...
Helping Others Make Healthy Lifestyle Choices
The Do's and Don'ts of Motivating Others
-- By Dean Anderson, Behavioral Psychology Expert
If you’ve been working hard to lose weight and adopt a healthy lifestyle, you probably know how difficult that can be, and how important it is to have the support and help of others who are doing the same thing. You’ve probably been inspired by someone else’s success, gotten some important advice, or found a sympathetic listener just at the precise moment when, otherwise, you might have given up. Maybe that happens for you nearly every day.
When important people in your life are also struggling with weight problems or making healthy decisions, you probably want to give them the same help and support you’ve received from others. Easy enough—as long as they’re looking for what you have to offer.
But what do you do when someone you care about doesn’t seem to want to change her lifestyle or lose weight, even though she's putting herself at risk? What if she really wants the results of eating well and exercising regularly, but isn’t so keen on doing the things that make those results happen? How can you motivate someone to do what you know she needs to do—is that even possible?
What You Can't Do
Conventional wisdom says that you can’t motivate someone else. Maybe you can, however, inspire her with your own good example, give her the information she needs to solve problems, or support her when the going gets tough. But like the proverbial light bulb, that person is not going to change her behavior unless and until she wants to change it, and is ready and willing to do what has to be done. The desire and readiness have to come from inside.
This conventional wisdom is probably true, but all it really tells you is what you can’t do to motivate someone else. You can’t provide her with a good reason to get healthy, you can’t persuade her to do it by the sheer brilliance of your logic and persuasive techniques, and you can't convince her by the persistence of your nagging, suggestions, bribes, threats, predictions of disaster, or other manipulative devices. Until the object of your concern wants to do something about her situation, anything you tell her is going to fall on deaf ears.
So, if you’re currently doing any of those things I just mentioned, knock if off before it messes up your relationship and drives both you and the person you’re concerned about crazy with frustration and resentment.
When you think about it, this makes perfect sense. How many people do you know who really want to be unhealthy and overweight, and wouldn’t prefer to look better, feel better, and be as healthy as possible? When someone “isn’t motivated” to lose weight or live a healthy lifestyle, the problem is probably not that she isn't ready or willing to enjoy the obvious benefits of healthy eating and exercise. If things were as simple as that, she’d make those changes in a minute.
More likely, the problem is that, to her, she's "benefiting" (in some way) from the way she's doing things now, and she isn’t sure she’ll still get those same benefits if she makes big changes in her life. Your best chance for motivating her to make desirable changes is to find out what she's getting out of her “unhealthy” behaviors now, and what you can do to help her get those same things without paying the price of obesity, inactivity, and higher health risks.
Let’s take a look at what this means in practical terms.
What You Can Do
- Do more listening than talking. Remember, your job is not to persuade, correct, or preach. Most people who are “stuck” in unhealthy behaviors already know what’s wrong and what they need to change. What they don’t know, they can easily find out when they’re ready to use the information. Most people even know, more or less, when they’re denying the obvious, inventing rationalizations, coming up with excuses, only seeing the problems, and ignoring the opportunities. But arguing with a friend or loved one about these things just makes it that much harder for her to start talking about the real issues. In fact, people are far more likely to talk themselves out of these unhelpful thoughts than to be talked out of them by someone else. Your job is to listen, nod a lot, and say things like “Yes, that was a problem for me, too,” or, “You mean you do that too? I thought I was the only one.”
- Lead by example. The best reason you can give someone for adopting a healthy lifestyle is doing it yourself and letting her see how it has helped you. Another dimension of this leading by example is talking about what you’ve learned about yourself in the process and the benefits that may not be visible on the surface. As I mentioned earlier, the “real” reason people hold back from change is usually fear of losing something important or exposing themselves to danger. That something important can be anything from the simple pleasure of doing something they enjoy (like eating a bag of chips while sitting on the couch and watching TV) to some deep psychological need to stay overweight and avoid the risks of being socially or sexually active. She might be unwilling to give up a certain style of cooking (Southern or fried for example) because it provides an important feeling of emotional connection with her family.
Whatever the reasons are, change isn’t likely to happen until she feels like she's got some other realistic options for meeting these needs and desires. And most of us don’t like to think or talk too much about this kind of stuff (even to ourselves, much less someone else). You might be able to help move this part of the change process along by talking (when the opportunity arises) about how you’ve dealt with some of these kinds of things yourself. - Follow the Pleasure Principle. Whatever else he may have been wrong about, Sigmund Freud was right on the money when he said that people are motivated by the desire to seek pleasure and avoid pain. Unfortunately, we also have the ability to do things that bring pleasure now but are certain to cause a lot of pain later on. And we’re not always very good at putting off the small immediate pleasure in favor of a more significant one later on—instant gratification is just more fun than delayed gratification, at least at the moment.
The ideal solution to these difficulties is to make doing the right thing as fun and pleasurable as possible. That will always work better than preaching the evils of instant gratification, glorifying the virtues of delayed gratification or heroic self-discipline, and striking fear into the hearts of potential junk food eaters.
The good news is that a healthy lifestyle is something that most people will actually find pleasant and rewarding, once they give it a chance to grow on them. You can’t make that happen for others, or even convince them to try when they don’t want to. But with a little thought and luck, you might just provide the Spark that gets the fire going.
ChefChiTown
New member
I agree. My mom is the same exact way. I'm 27 years old and she treats me like I'm still a little child. Throughout my whole life, she has done nothing but tell me that I need to grow up and be a man, but then she'll turn around and baby me with everything.
ecnill - Leave her alone. You might not like it, but she's an adult now and there's not much you can do to help her. My mom had a hard time when I moved away from home and, to be honest, she still doesn't "get it". She still tries to baby me all the time, which does nothing but annoy the shit out of me. Personally, I would just let your daughter be whoever it is that she is going to be, no matter how much she weighs.
That's another thing that I would also like to address...
Don't tell her what she WANTS to hear. Tell her what she NEEDS to hear.
Question: "Mom, do you think I'm fat?"
Wrong answer: "No, honey. You look beautiful just the way you are."
Right answer: "Well, to be honest, you have put on a few pounds."
The truth hurts, but honesty is always the best policy, no matter how harsh it may seem. Let her know that she's getting heavy and tell her that she needs to do something about it. When I started gaining weight, my mom just kept telling me that I was still her handsome little boy, but my dad, on the other hand, straight up told me that I was getting fat. Even though it stung a little bit, my dad's honesty actually got me thinking about what I could do to lose the weight. My mom's sugar-coated words, on the other hand, just annoyed the piss out of me.
A couple of thoughts here.
First, college is extremely difficult. Maybe it was because I majored in electrical engineering... but all most spare time was devoted to studying. I tried to exercise and eat right, but a week before a test I would spend all my time in the library and get fast food just so i could eat quickly. My mom never stepped foot on a college campus, so she had no idea how tough it really was.
Which leads to my second point. My mom constantly told me how fat I was, how I'd never find an attractive woman, how ugly I was, etc. It was the wrong kind of motivation, IMO. Even if I lost weight, I would hear how it wasn't enough, or no one could tell the difference, etc. You need to evaluate how your approach is, and see if you are smothering your daughter. She is 21, she is an adult now... and the fact of the matter is that she is responsible for her own decisions now. You trying to forcefully guide her or make comments is only going to further solidify her in this lifestyle.
First, college is extremely difficult. Maybe it was because I majored in electrical engineering... but all most spare time was devoted to studying. I tried to exercise and eat right, but a week before a test I would spend all my time in the library and get fast food just so i could eat quickly. My mom never stepped foot on a college campus, so she had no idea how tough it really was.
Which leads to my second point. My mom constantly told me how fat I was, how I'd never find an attractive woman, how ugly I was, etc. It was the wrong kind of motivation, IMO. Even if I lost weight, I would hear how it wasn't enough, or no one could tell the difference, etc. You need to evaluate how your approach is, and see if you are smothering your daughter. She is 21, she is an adult now... and the fact of the matter is that she is responsible for her own decisions now. You trying to forcefully guide her or make comments is only going to further solidify her in this lifestyle.
Thank you
For all your experience and advice. A question. I understand what you're saying intellectually; emotionally, it's extremely difficult to sit by. If she were on drugs, I'd haul her off to an intervention. Being overweight poses many more complications -- and I'm not always certain why. But, I will try to leave it to 'leave her alone"..... But, I have thought about sending her a brief letter/note simply saying that we're worried about the weight gain and its impact on her health, and are here to support her in any way when she's ready to deal with it. I once said this to her several years ago when she was less weighty than she is now. I don't know if it does harm, or good. Your counsel?
Thank you all for being here.
For all your experience and advice. A question. I understand what you're saying intellectually; emotionally, it's extremely difficult to sit by. If she were on drugs, I'd haul her off to an intervention. Being overweight poses many more complications -- and I'm not always certain why. But, I will try to leave it to 'leave her alone"..... But, I have thought about sending her a brief letter/note simply saying that we're worried about the weight gain and its impact on her health, and are here to support her in any way when she's ready to deal with it. I once said this to her several years ago when she was less weighty than she is now. I don't know if it does harm, or good. Your counsel?
Thank you all for being here.
ChefChiTown
New member
Personally, if I got a letter or note from my mom that was telling me that I should lose weight, I would just crumple it up and throw it away. If you are actually going to confront her about her weight problem, I would recommend talking to her about it.
It is hard to sit back and do nothing. But, unfortunately, there are situations (like this one) where getting involved will only make things worse. For example, if something is really wrong with me and my mom bugs me about it, asking if I want to talk, it will only piss me off even more. But, if she leaves me alone and does nothing, then the problem eventually gets solved, because there is no extra fuel being thrown onto the fire.
ChefChiTown
New member
Eeeeeh, a little. It all depends on how much you actually see her though. If your normal communication is through phone calls, then call her. If your normal communication is through e-mails, then e-mail her. If your normal communication is through letters, then send her a letter.
But, if you see her, at least every once in a while, then wait and talk to her. Keep in mind, this is only my opinion.
If she were on drugs and you hauled her off for an intervention do you think it would make any type of difference - unless she's ready to do anything about it...
How often do you see her?
What are her eating habits?
Nagging someone - or giving the perception of nagging generally has the opposite result.
bet she knows she's fat.
But until there's a compelling reason to lose weight (ie cute boy/girl she has her eye on) it's not gonna happen... Health and 21 year olds doesnt compute. .I'm twice her age and I'm ok with my reason for losng 200lbs to not be about health at all -it's all vanity...
How often do you see her?
What are her eating habits?
Nagging someone - or giving the perception of nagging generally has the opposite result.
bet she knows she's fat.
But until there's a compelling reason to lose weight (ie cute boy/girl she has her eye on) it's not gonna happen... Health and 21 year olds doesnt compute. .I'm twice her age and I'm ok with my reason for losng 200lbs to not be about health at all -it's all vanity...
Shep031
New member
Just some insight from my experience: you can't help her until she wants to help herself. I went from 108 lbs in 2003 to 160 lbs in 2006. My parents constantly nagged me about losing weight, to the point where I didn't even want to eat around them.
It wasn't until I realized that it wasn't just my parents that I was embarassed to eat in front of, it was everyone else. I felt like everytime I would go out to eat, other people would be critiquing me on what I ordered or saying "oh look, the fat girl ate ALL that." Combining that realization with the fact that I witnessed my best friends recent weight loss and pictures of me at my other best friends wedding, I knew something HAD to be done!
Once SHE realizes she has a weight problem, then she will seek help (from you, or friends, or a doctor) to fix it. As long as she doesn't feel there's a problem, then she doesn't see any reason to change her lifestyle.
It wasn't until I realized that it wasn't just my parents that I was embarassed to eat in front of, it was everyone else. I felt like everytime I would go out to eat, other people would be critiquing me on what I ordered or saying "oh look, the fat girl ate ALL that." Combining that realization with the fact that I witnessed my best friends recent weight loss and pictures of me at my other best friends wedding, I knew something HAD to be done!
Once SHE realizes she has a weight problem, then she will seek help (from you, or friends, or a doctor) to fix it. As long as she doesn't feel there's a problem, then she doesn't see any reason to change her lifestyle.
Mad4Chillas
New member
So I guess from my standpoint I am 20--will be 21 in June I guess I dont necesasrily agree with this point. But I understand where everyone is coming from.
To reply to the posts, I defintely would not send a letter...if my mother did that to me know id be crushed, my mom sounds just like you, she has always told me that im perfect and im beautiful even if I could withstand to lose a little weight.I love my mother to pieces and I am so glad she has treated me the way she has.
Ive dealt with an eating disorder for a very long time and I can honestly say that it was never becasue I was told that I was fat, etc It is from my own insecurities. I am sure that your daughter knows how she looks and how she feels and doesn't need another voice especially someone she cares about to tell her the same things she already knows.
I would support her in a mild way, be behind her whenever you can, but dont bluntly tell her shes fat and needs to lose weight.Shes young, and so am I and hearing those kinds of things when we're still trying to figure out who we are can be devestating.
I dont know what to say in order to tell you the right thing to do, except support here, but her shoulder to cry on and someone she can talk to as a confident--not her weigh loss coach. She will come around when she realizes that she needs to...
Thankyou again.
It's so helpful to have all of your experience and inputs and counsel. I'm still confused, but trying hard to talk myself in to leaving her alone.... I was struck the other day when we were talking about a search for an alternative doctor that she said she had loved her pediatrician because she had addressed the weight issue directly which motivated my daughter; and one reason she doesn't like her current doctor is that they talk about everything else. I thought that might be a clue that she was looking for help.
So.... I'm going to leave it alone for awhile, and then see where we are in April when she comes home after classses are done, and starts looking for a job.
Keep the advice coming... I need it. and thanks again.
It's so helpful to have all of your experience and inputs and counsel. I'm still confused, but trying hard to talk myself in to leaving her alone.... I was struck the other day when we were talking about a search for an alternative doctor that she said she had loved her pediatrician because she had addressed the weight issue directly which motivated my daughter; and one reason she doesn't like her current doctor is that they talk about everything else. I thought that might be a clue that she was looking for help.
So.... I'm going to leave it alone for awhile, and then see where we are in April when she comes home after classses are done, and starts looking for a job.
Keep the advice coming... I need it. and thanks again.
faith_585
New member
I could be completely wrong here.
But jsut because I am 21, and just because my family never said anything. I owuld have liked it if someone close to me sat down with me (in a loving way) and gentley said "Your fat, and getting fatter what can I do to help you?" Point blank.
It would have been hard to digest, but you need to be hit something like that in order to realize how bad its getting.
She may not do well with that, but looking back that is what I really needed.
But jsut because I am 21, and just because my family never said anything. I owuld have liked it if someone close to me sat down with me (in a loving way) and gentley said "Your fat, and getting fatter what can I do to help you?" Point blank.
It would have been hard to digest, but you need to be hit something like that in order to realize how bad its getting.
She may not do well with that, but looking back that is what I really needed.
It's a very sensitive subject and can have adverse affects if approached wrong. My mom always told me how fat I was getting.... If I started losing weight, she'd never acknowledge it...just kept saying to lose more, I look horrible...etc.
Her daughter needs to do this for herself. It's like kicking substance abuse. you need to quit because you want to.
Maybe a happy ending
HI all,
So, an update. I did write my daughter a note about 2 days ago and said that I knew how hard it was; that I had been overweight in college and I truly knew how it felt. I heard nothing for about 36 hours, and of course I was sure I had blown it. She wrote me back and said that she greatly appreciated the support; it is tough given her current life style and "we'll see what happens". I saw that as an opportunity, and we have since had a brief conversation about a possibility. I design a line of high-end dresses and am expanding into the pre-professional market. the line needs a "real" model for the website's photo shoot which is scheduled in November. My daughter, when 40-50 pounds lighter, would have been the perfect model. in any event, we have hit on a possibility that my company will hire her to be hte model, and that she'll focus, this summer, exclusively, while home before her senior year, on getting into shape with the help of a coach, this website, weight watcehrs, etc. I'll stay out of it; she and the coach will manage it. It's tricky, but could be a win win for all of us. I'll keep you posted. And again, thank you.
HI all,
So, an update. I did write my daughter a note about 2 days ago and said that I knew how hard it was; that I had been overweight in college and I truly knew how it felt. I heard nothing for about 36 hours, and of course I was sure I had blown it. She wrote me back and said that she greatly appreciated the support; it is tough given her current life style and "we'll see what happens". I saw that as an opportunity, and we have since had a brief conversation about a possibility. I design a line of high-end dresses and am expanding into the pre-professional market. the line needs a "real" model for the website's photo shoot which is scheduled in November. My daughter, when 40-50 pounds lighter, would have been the perfect model. in any event, we have hit on a possibility that my company will hire her to be hte model, and that she'll focus, this summer, exclusively, while home before her senior year, on getting into shape with the help of a coach, this website, weight watcehrs, etc. I'll stay out of it; she and the coach will manage it. It's tricky, but could be a win win for all of us. I'll keep you posted. And again, thank you.
ChefChiTown
New member
Hopefully everything works out for the best, but I thought of something while reading your post and I thought I would just "throw it out there"...
You said the following...
Obviously, I can't speak for your daughter, or for anyone else, but I am assuming that a "real" model is a model that isn't some overly skinny twig. Rather, a thicker, more "average" looking woman...correct?
If so, you also say that when she is 40-50 lbs lighter, she would fit that category. So, even after she loses 40-50 lbs, she still won't be skinny, by your definition of "real".
Personally, I would avoid telling her that. If somebody told me to lose 40-50 just so I could get into the "average" category, it would discourage the shit out of me. If I lose 40-50 lbs, I want to be told that I would fit the "DAAAAAMN, you're HOT" category. And, I'm a guy. I know how uptight a lot of women can be about their bodies, so I would avoid telling her all of this. Once again, that's just my opinion on the matter.
faith_585
New member
overweight is over weight.
just as average is average.
when you need to start losing weight you need to realize that you are OVERWEIGHT. and not average, because you absolutely did that to yourself.
i think that saying you can be an "average sized woman model" not only gives hope and says you do not need to be a stick, but smarten up, but is a gentle way of saying... it is time to get healthy, and lose weight
just my thoughts, you did the right thing ecnill - you don't care she's fat you care she is going through being fat.
I started this journey at 333 pounds, btw i am only 21 years old. i needed this advice, from my father long ago. and on top of that i have no desire to be a stick, just healthy. my goal weight is 180 pounds, which is what some people are un happy with. i am perfectly happy being "average"
She will do amazing, because you approached her in a loving way.
just as average is average.
when you need to start losing weight you need to realize that you are OVERWEIGHT. and not average, because you absolutely did that to yourself.
i think that saying you can be an "average sized woman model" not only gives hope and says you do not need to be a stick, but smarten up, but is a gentle way of saying... it is time to get healthy, and lose weight
just my thoughts, you did the right thing ecnill - you don't care she's fat you care she is going through being fat.
I started this journey at 333 pounds, btw i am only 21 years old. i needed this advice, from my father long ago. and on top of that i have no desire to be a stick, just healthy. my goal weight is 180 pounds, which is what some people are un happy with. i am perfectly happy being "average"
She will do amazing, because you approached her in a loving way.