Petunia's Bold Endeavor: Becoming Better

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Petunia

Petunia

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Hi. You can call me Petunia. I'm 18 years old.
As of today, I'm 5'1" and 146 pounds.
After many years of battling an eating disorder, I have succeeded in plummeting myself down to 95 pounds, only to bloom back up to a whopping 150 pounds. For the past year, I have maintained around 142-148 pounds by attempting to stop the behaviors of restriction, binging, and purging.
I still relapse. I still hurt. I still have bad days. But, I'm getting better. I accept my body: the excess, the stretch marks, and the imperfections that remain as a result of the abuse that I've put it through. I am making an effort to get better, and to eventually put an end to the cycle of starving and binging. I'd rather focus on studies and art than on food and my body.
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Major goals:
1.) Become more active
2.) Reach 115 pounds
3.) Become more confident
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150 149 148 147 146 145 144 143 142 141 140 139 138 137 136 135 134 133 132 131 130 129 128 127 126 125 124 123 122 121 120 119 118 117 116 115
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Hi, Petunia & welcome to the forum. Do you think it would be possible to switch your thinking around & concentrate on eating a healthy diet (3 meals a day & a healthy snack if hungry) rather than focussing on restricting your calories and actively trying to lose weight? It may take pressure off yourself.
There are various useful sites online for dietary guidelines. Some of these are-
Australian Guide to Healthy Eating | Eat For Health
Choose MyPlate
The eatwell guide - A revised healthy eating model - British Nutrition Foundation
Even just going for a walk each day is really good for you. It helps to clear your mind. Could you incorporate a walk & take a sketch pad with you? Building self-esteem is really important. I have to really work on that & I think many of us in here do too. I think you will find some good support in here. Welcome to the WLF diaries :)
 
cate said:
Hi, Petunia & welcome to the forum. Do you think it would be possible to switch your thinking around & concentrate on eating a healthy diet (3 meals a day & a healthy snack if hungry) rather than focussing on restricting your calories and actively trying to lose weight? It may take pressure off yourself.
There are various useful sites online for dietary guidelines. Some of these are-
Australian Guide to Healthy Eating | Eat For Health
Choose MyPlate
The eatwell guide - A revised healthy eating model - British Nutrition Foundation
Even just going for a walk each day is really good for you. It helps to clear your mind. Could you incorporate a walk & take a sketch pad with you? Building self-esteem is really important. I have to really work on that & I think many of us in here do too. I think you will find some good support in here. Welcome to the WLF diaries :)
Click to expand...
This is really good advice! My ultimate goal is to become used to intuitive eating, so I think after today I'm going to try and not count calories. I'll see how it goes for me and try to weigh in less often. I love to go on walks with my dog. :)
 
Today, I ate the following, for around 1900 calories. This is better than the extreme binges that I've had for the past week (up to 3000 calories).
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Breakfast: Coffee, Apple, Animal Crackers, Yogurt Raisins
Lunch: Tropical Yogurt Smoothie, 2 Mini Chicken Biscuits, Noodle Soup, 2 Eggs
Dinner: Croutons, Bread, Fried Chicken
I did not exercise toady.
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I want to eat healthier, but I'm at the mercy of what my parents choose to buy. I also will try to eat more during the morning and less in the afternoon to feel less drowsy midday and, hopefully, increase my productivity.
I also tend to stress-eat, which explains the croutons and noodle soup in my intake today. I'll try to supplement the carb cravings with a fruit or hot beverage the next time I'm aware of them.
 
On a different note, I am quite proud of how productive I was today. I studied physics for 2 hours. I practiced cello and got caught up on some of my senior project requirements. Even though I had major cravings, I mostly succeeded in diverting my attention elsewhere and not going downstairs for a snack.
Honestly, I took 4 laxatives yesterday. This is the first really bad behavior I've had in a long time. Even though I had an urge to binge on 3000 calories today and purge again with laxatives or by vomiting, I didn't. To me, this is an accomplishment.
 
Well done on a productive day.
Taking laxatives will do your body a lot more harm than you can imagine. I know it's hard to really believe things like that when you're young, but I'm speaking from experience. Your body could become dependent on laxatives & you would have to take more & more of them for the rest of your life.
Eat more fibre, Petunia. Please don't purge. Raw veggies are good- celery, carrot, snow peas...& apples(skin on).
Have a chat to your parents about your plan to eat healthier & maybe they will change their buying.
 
Hi Petunia,

Cate is 100% right. All too often people fail at weight loss/gain/management because they focus too much on their goal and not the behaviours it takes to get there. Eating a healthy diet and exercising regularly is key to a healthy life not calorie counting or purging.

Strict diets or calorie counting don’t really teach you how to be healthy. What happens is your metabolic rate decreases to compensate. When you stop counting calories you balloon a lot of the time. Don’t get me wrong; it’s better than shakes and magic pills but the best way to learn is to really ensure you get at least 5 serves of veg and 2 fruit a day making sure your meat portion is no bigger than the palm of you hand as a guide.

Cate is also 100% right about walking. I started my journey accidentally by just walking 5km a night. A couple of months later I was walking 11km a night and riding a stationary bike half an hour. Then I started jogging. Now I’m at the point where if I was only walking I’d be walking 6-7 hours to just get the level of exercise I want so I cycle 40km a night and do some resistance training. The point is if you start small with small changes and remain consistent it’s amazing where you will build up to.

Before I re started exercising I was suffering mild depression and anxiety. Now these symptoms are almost gone. All because the brain releases endorphins through exercise. Exercise is really the key to happiness for me.

Good luck and we’re all here if you need anything.
 
Truffle Monster said:
Hi Petunia,

Cate is 100% right. All too often people fail at weight loss/gain/management because they focus too much on their goal and not the behaviours it takes to get there. Eating a healthy diet and exercising regularly is key to a healthy life not calorie counting or purging.

Strict diets or calorie counting don’t really teach you how to be healthy. What happens is your metabolic rate decreases to compensate. When you stop counting calories you balloon a lot of the time. Don’t get me wrong; it’s better than shakes and magic pills but the best way to learn is to really ensure you get at least 5 serves of veg and 2 fruit a day making sure your meat portion is no bigger than the palm of you hand as a guide.

Cate is also 100% right about walking. I started my journey accidentally by just walking 5km a night. A couple of months later I was walking 11km a night and riding a stationary bike half an hour. Then I started jogging. Now I’m at the point where if I was only walking I’d be walking 6-7 hours to just get the level of exercise I want so I cycle 40km a night and do some resistance training. The point is if you start small with small changes and remain consistent it’s amazing where you will build up to.

Before I re started exercising I was suffering mild depression and anxiety. Now these symptoms are almost gone. All because the brain releases endorphins through exercise. Exercise is really the key to happiness for me.

Good luck and we’re all here if you need anything.
Click to expand...
Thank you for the advice :) I didn't walk today, but I did try to not count calories or restrict. I'm really going to try and incorporate walking. I just had a lesson in my psychology class about how exercise diminishes symptoms of mental illness. I find it very interesting and I'm super willing to try this, as I suffer from depression.
 
Petunia said:
Thank you for the advice :) I didn't walk today, but I did try to not count calories or restrict. I'm really going to try and incorporate walking. I just had a lesson in my psychology class about how exercise diminishes symptoms of mental illness. I find it very interesting and I'm super willing to try this, as I suffer from depression.
Click to expand...

Great stuff!
Looks like you’ve got all your ducks lined up. Just need to pull the trigger!
 
Day 1
Weight: ?
Snack: Chicken flavored crackers
Breakfast: Pecan yogurt smoothie, coffee with milk
Lunch: 2 slices cheddar cheese, an apple, an orange
Dinner: Grilled cheese sandwich, chicken flavored crackers
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I was really proud of my intake today, aside from the chicken crackers (I ate a ton of those, binge eating) and the grilled cheese. I caved and calculated the rough calories and I think I'm somewhere around 1600-2000 so I'm still pretty stressed about gaining.
I honestly felt kinda shameful and wanted to not try. Like, I mentally wanted to give up after the crackers and just binge and temporarily feel better. But I keep reminding myself of how vicious the cycle is and how I just need to accept today and make tomorrow even better.
 
Petunia said:
But I keep reminding myself of how vicious the cycle is and how I just need to accept today and make tomorrow even better.
Click to expand...
That's the way :) Well done!
 
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