Weightless
It’s been a quick road to get here. 40 pounds overweight, uncomfortable in my own skin. At wits end. So desperate for a change. Can I get there?
Let’s back up: I’ve never been ‘thin.’ I’ve never felt fully comfortable in bikinis or crop tops—I was so glad when one piece swim suits came back into style. Having two best friends who’s weights added together came close to mine, I often felt self conscious around them, knowing full well that they love me, and have their own non-weight vices, and come from families of tiny stature. In all of this, there were stages of my life were I felt beautiful, confident, joyful about the body I was in. I loved to sprawl in front of a lover, wear a tiny dresses, and felt no sense of fear when someone tagged me in a photo on social media.
But that was then. This, is now.
I can barely look in a mirror. Almost every picture recent picture of myself makes me nauseous. I hide behind hunched shoulders and self-shaming. I lack the drive to be physically (and, in turn, emotionally) close to my boyfriend, ashamed that he will be as disgusted as I am. My hair stopped growing, I hardly sleep at night, keeping myself awake with anxiety and discomfort. I have to wear compression shorts under dresses to keep my thighs from rubbing together raw. I’ve completely given up on pants that aren’t leggings. Every dress I own drapes over me like a too-large toga.
I eat healthy. I work out. I am active, drink tons of water, avoid carbs, smile often, live almost entirely stress free. I cook almost all my own meals, leaving out items that would add unnecessary nutrients and additives to my meal. I’ve poured over books and articles, downloaded apps and counted each and every calorie.
And here I am, sad and tearful every day about why my body is changing so rapidly. WHAT IS HAPPENING?? I try to be positive, but sometimes I feel like I’m a beached whale and nothing I do can save me.
Have you all been here? What did you do? I’m so uncomfortable, frustrated and lost.
It’s been a quick road to get here. 40 pounds overweight, uncomfortable in my own skin. At wits end. So desperate for a change. Can I get there?
Let’s back up: I’ve never been ‘thin.’ I’ve never felt fully comfortable in bikinis or crop tops—I was so glad when one piece swim suits came back into style. Having two best friends who’s weights added together came close to mine, I often felt self conscious around them, knowing full well that they love me, and have their own non-weight vices, and come from families of tiny stature. In all of this, there were stages of my life were I felt beautiful, confident, joyful about the body I was in. I loved to sprawl in front of a lover, wear a tiny dresses, and felt no sense of fear when someone tagged me in a photo on social media.
But that was then. This, is now.
I can barely look in a mirror. Almost every picture recent picture of myself makes me nauseous. I hide behind hunched shoulders and self-shaming. I lack the drive to be physically (and, in turn, emotionally) close to my boyfriend, ashamed that he will be as disgusted as I am. My hair stopped growing, I hardly sleep at night, keeping myself awake with anxiety and discomfort. I have to wear compression shorts under dresses to keep my thighs from rubbing together raw. I’ve completely given up on pants that aren’t leggings. Every dress I own drapes over me like a too-large toga.
I eat healthy. I work out. I am active, drink tons of water, avoid carbs, smile often, live almost entirely stress free. I cook almost all my own meals, leaving out items that would add unnecessary nutrients and additives to my meal. I’ve poured over books and articles, downloaded apps and counted each and every calorie.
And here I am, sad and tearful every day about why my body is changing so rapidly. WHAT IS HAPPENING?? I try to be positive, but sometimes I feel like I’m a beached whale and nothing I do can save me.
Have you all been here? What did you do? I’m so uncomfortable, frustrated and lost.
