need advice .. and help

[Genevieve206]

Hey, so i’ve been on this weight loss journey since i were young but i started gaining a lot of weight when i was 17. this last year i made some big changes and i’ve lost a decent amount of weight but i’m struggling.

i’m just over 5’10 and at my heaviest at 19 i was over 300lbs. I can’t tell you my heaviest weight because my scale just didn’t go that high and tbh i didn’t want to know so i made some changes and lost 85lbs but gained back instead of loosing, my goal weight is 154lbs

I decided to get a gastric band just before my 22nd birthday (feb 2019)the only people who know about it are my parents at this point i weighed in at 260lbs. everything was going good i was eating 6 tablespoons measuring my food, exercising i felt good but as time was going on the weight loss was slowing down. after i lost the first 30lbs i realized i just need to keep cutting back on my calories. So i did i kept to under 700calories a day

after a month eating 700cal i was loosing but loosing very slow so i started intermittent fasting, eventually i started dry fasting so i’d not eat or drink for 24-72hrs and break with salt water have a refeed and fast again but i started to binge on my refeeds i’d eat foods that went down easily then i’d feel bad and purge, my hair started to fall out and my nails started to break so i started hair skin and nail vitamins

i’m currently 182lbs i still need to loose around 30 lbs. every time i eat i can’t control myself and the only way i restrain is by not eating at all, i can’t find a middle ground. I turned 23 in feb and i can fit both legs in 1 leg of my jeans but i still feel how i did when i was 300+lbs. i’m hoping after i get to my goal weight i’ll feel better because i just don’t feel very good right now.

I don’t think i’ve ever been so miserable, I just want to loose weight and be happy. I guess what i want to know is, do you get happy once you get to your goal?

Thanks for listening

 

[Cate]

Hi, Genevieve. 13 years ago I went on a really strict diet & lost 36 kgs & got down to my goal weight and found I still had all the self-esteem issues that I had whilst overweight. I saw a therapist for the first time in my life, wrote down lots of notes before I went & ended up talking to her about how I felt about myself. I wept a lot & felt really embarrassed. She was excellent. I only saw her a few times as she enabled me to see myself in a less critical light. I will always have to work on it & I do. I started a thread in the forum & looked up ways to build self-esteem, motivational sayings, quotes etc & that also helped me. If you care to have a look you mind find something there to help you as well.
Learning to love yourself is so important & is also one of the hardest things to do. It's really hard to look after yourself properly if you don't feel that you deserve it. The link to the thread I started is here- https://weight-loss.fitness.com/threads/motivational-sayings-and-or-affirmations.33533/ I might edit it a little soon I think.
This forum has lots of very supportive, kind & friendly people in it. If you feel like it, you could start a diary & you will have members visit you there. I'm sure you will get lots of support. You could just copy & paste your post above. The diary section is at https://weight-loss.fitness.com/forums/weight-loss-diary.9/

 

[Genevieve206]

Hi, Genevieve. 13 years ago I went on a really strict diet & lost 36 kgs & got down to my goal weight and found I still had all the self-esteem issues that I had whilst overweight. I saw a therapist for the first time in my life, wrote down lots of notes before I went & ended up talking to her about how I felt about myself. I wept a lot & felt really embarrassed. She was excellent. I only saw her a few times as she enabled me to see myself in a less critical light. I will always have to work on it & I do. I started a thread in the forum & looked up ways to build self-esteem, motivational sayings, quotes etc & that also helped me. If you care to have a look you mind find something there to help you as well.
Learning to love yourself is so important & is also one of the hardest things to do. It's really hard to look after yourself properly if you don't feel that you deserve it. The link to the thread I started is here- https://weight-loss.fitness.com/threads/motivational-sayings-and-or-affirmations.33533/ I might edit it a little soon I think.
This forum has lots of very supportive, kind & friendly people in it. If you feel like it, you could start a diary & you will have members visit you there. I'm sure you will get lots of support. You could just copy & paste your post above. The diary section is at https://weight-loss.fitness.com/forums/weight-loss-diary.9/

yeah i’ve been thinking about seeing someone but it just never seems like the right time, i’ll be sure to check that out thanks for replying

 

[alligatorob]

Hey Genevieve welcome!

You have gotten some good advice from Cate, she is one of our best folks - her advice is always worth listening to. And she was right, you should start a diary, its the best way to get started here.

The diary section is at https://weight-loss.fitness.com/forums/weight-loss-diary.9/

I understand a lot of your feelings, I have been overweight most of my life, and that's been a lot longer than yours. I wish I had figured out how to control my eating and weight at a much younger age, you have the chance to do that now. I sure hope you can. I am not an expert, I can only tell you what I have learned from my experience, so take whatever I say in that light. A few responses to your comments:

I guess what i want to know is, do you get happy once you get to your goal?

I don't think so, not automatically. What I have found is that losing weight makes it easier for me to be happy, I feel better and better about myself, that helps. Losing weight however does not really change who you are, whatever other problems you have or had will still be there. For me it just helps make those problems seem smaller. A caveat here, I am not yet at goal weight, but like you I have lost over 100 pounds and am getting closer.

every time i eat i can’t control myself

I was that way for many years, many more than you've been around. There is no simple solution, but I have found closely tracking what I eat, writing it down, posting it here everyday has made it easier to find and stick to a better diet. Over time I have come to enjoy the food I eat, and most days feel like I am happy with it, the desire to overeat has not gone away entirely, it probably never will. I am just learning to live with it, I think you can too.

I don’t think i’ve ever been so miserable

Yeah, I have said that many times, but not since getting on this diet. From the beginning I felt better and better about myself, from day one. Not all days have been good days, but they were all better than the worst days before the diet. I think you can do the same. I look at things one day at a time, if I can eat well today then I am successful and the weight will follow. Try to look at things that way.

at my heaviest at 19 i was over 300lbs... i’m currently 182lbs.

That is a very impressive achievement, something to be proud of! Losing 120 lbs is something very few people are ever able to accomplish. Good for you girl!

Genevieve I hope you stick with us, I am very much looking forward to reading about your progress, and your increased happiness!

 

[Llama]

Oh Genevieve I´m so sorry you´ve been so miserable for so long! I too went to therapy for a while and it helped me so much. You´d have a right to get help even if you hadn´t worked so hard for so long but you have so I say you deserve twice the amount of support. Is there a possibility to reach out to the clinic where you got your gastric band? They´d normally have or least know counselors with a lot of experience in this particular area and just knowing someone really understands is sometimes such a relief. Not to mention they might be able to hook you up with a dietician who can help you find foods that will nourish and satisfy your body despite your restrictions. Binging is a very common response to food restriction so don´t feel guilty about that. All we can ever do is find ways forward and it´s ok if you sometimes stumble as long as you don´t give up.
Best of luck with your journey, please stay in touch!

 

[Genevieve206]

Hey Genevieve welcome!

You have gotten some good advice from Cate, she is one of our best folks - her advice is always worth listening to. And she was right, you should start a diary, its the best way to get started here.

I understand a lot of your feelings, I have been overweight most of my life, and that's been a lot longer than yours. I wish I had figured out how to control my eating and weight at a much younger age, you have the chance to do that now. I sure hope you can. I am not an expert, I can only tell you what I have learned from my experience, so take whatever I say in that light. A few responses to your comments:
I don't think so, not automatically. What I have found is that losing weight makes it easier for me to be happy, I feel better and better about myself, that helps. Losing weight however does not really change who you are, whatever other problems you have or had will still be there. For me it just helps make those problems seem smaller. A caveat here, I am not yet at goal weight, but like you I have lost over 100 pounds and am getting closer.

I was that way for many years, many more than you've been around. There is no simple solution, but I have found closely tracking what I eat, writing it down, posting it here everyday has made it easier to find and stick to a better diet. Over time I have come to enjoy the food I eat, and most days feel like I am happy with it, the desire to overeat has not gone away entirely, it probably never will. I am just learning to live with it, I think you can too.
Yeah, I have said that many times, but not since getting on this diet. From the beginning I felt better and better about myself, from day one. Not all days have been good days, but they were all better than the worst days before the diet. I think you can do the same. I look at things one day at a time, if I can eat well today then I am successful and the weight will follow. Try to look at things that way.
That is a very impressive achievement, something to be proud of! Losing 120 lbs is something very few people are ever able to accomplish. Good for you girl!

Genevieve I hope you stick with us, I am very much looking forward to reading about your progress, and your increased happiness!

thank you, I appreciate your reply, I've started logging in on my fitness pal to try and keep track of my calories, I just feel like I have more bad days now then good but aye its a work in progress

 

[Genevieve206]

Oh Genevieve I´m so sorry you´ve been so miserable for so long! I too went to therapy for a while and it helped me so much. You´d have a right to get help even if you hadn´t worked so hard for so long but you have so I say you deserve twice the amount of support. Is there a possibility to reach out to the clinic where you got your gastric band? They´d normally have or least know counselors with a lot of experience in this particular area and just knowing someone really understands is sometimes such a relief. Not to mention they might be able to hook you up with a dietician who can help you find foods that will nourish and satisfy your body despite your restrictions. Binging is a very common response to food restriction so don´t feel guilty about that. All we can ever do is find ways forward and it´s ok if you sometimes stumble as long as you don´t give up.
Best of luck with your journey, please stay in touch!

thank you for being so kind<3 I have a dietician but I feel like I lie to her a lot. I feel like because I gained all that weight and then I got the band I don't have a reason to be like this anymore, I've been given so many opportunities but I always self sabotage.i wanted the band at the end of 2018 but I tried to commit suicide on New Years 2018 and when the clinic found out they said I had to wait a year because they didn't think I was stable enough but I went to another clinic in feb and got it done, I was sectioned at 17 on and off of meds till today but I feel like when I open up about my mental health with the drs I find myself in a worse way then before, I appreciate your reply, thank you

 

[Llama]

That´s so tough. It´s a sad truth that mental health issues are still often stigmatized, even within the medical community.
Please stop lying to your dietician though. If she´s worth her salt she´s already aware something´s not right and would be relieved to get the full story so she can help you more efficiently. She gets paid to help you, whether you do the paying or your health insurance company does, and that money´s wasted if she can´t or won´t do her job properly, be it because she doesn´t have the information she needs or because she doesn´t know enough to deal with your kind of problems.

 

[Cate]

with LaMa, hon. Tell your dietician the truth so that she can try to help you better. Do you still get therapy & have you been diagnosed with a specific mental illness? Our son has gone from strength to strength since finding a good therapist & getting on the right medication. Sending you a hug if you would like one

 

[alligatorob]

I tried to commit suicide on New Years 2018

Oh my, I am sorry to hear that. You must have been in a very bad place, I hope you have risen above it. I have to tell you my brother committed suicide, and I honestly believe that had he known the effect it would have on the family and others he would not have. If you ever feel that way please get help, tell someone right away, and do think about the impact it would have on your loved ones.

I believe that getting on a diet you feel good about will help you. What will it take to do that? I think you know what a good diet is, can you do it today or tomorrow? Just for the day, and then report back to us.

That alone probably isn't enough, I think you need some help with your mental health, and as LaMa says that is nothing to be ashamed of. Please get the therapy and treatment you need. And don't lie to your nutritionist, like LaMa says if you do you are wasting your time, your nutritionists time, and somebody's money.

If you post here I will do what I can to help, and so will others I am sure. You can do this!

 

[Llama]

I honestly believe that had he known the effect it would have on the family and others he would not have. If you ever feel that way please get help, tell someone right away, and do think about the impact it would have on your loved ones.

I don´t want to speak out of turn but when you´re in that dark place people saying stuff like this sometimes just feels like more pressure. Probably tmi but I tried to kill myself once - a looong time ago - and for years afterward the possibility was never far from my mind. I definitely didn´t want to hurt anyone, I just couldn´t imagine another way out anymore. And the thing is: depression lies. It tells you nobody actually cares or you´re nothing but a burden and the people who do care will be happier in the long run when they don´t have to worry about you anymore. Those are lies, cruel lies, but when you have your brain repeat it to you for days, weeks, months, years on end it gets hard not to believe them. And that´s one reason why you need someone who gets paid to listen to you (so you won´t feel guilty about "bothering" them), a professional who knows how these things work, to talk back to those lies and to teach you how to talk back yourself until the lying voice gets fainter. It can get better, it really can.

 

[alligatorob]

Hey Genevieve I in no way intended to add to your pressure or stress. LaMa may well be right, she usually is. I am sure she is right about the professional help thing, please find a way to get it.

And stick with us here, we can help with your diet and that should help you feel at least a little better.

 

[alligatorob]

Hey Genevieve, how are things?

Beware that post from crysty-sr, looks like spam to me. Moderators will probably delete it soon.

 

[Genevieve206]

That´s so tough. It´s a sad truth that mental health issues are still often stigmatized, even within the medical community.
Please stop lying to your dietician though. If she´s worth her salt she´s already aware something´s not right and would be relieved to get the full story so she can help you more efficiently. She gets paid to help you, whether you do the paying or your health insurance company does, and that money´s wasted if she can´t or won´t do her job properly, be it because she doesn´t have the information she needs or because she doesn´t know enough to deal with your kind of problems.

the thing is I just haven't really spoken to her much I've seen her twice since I had my surgery and we texted once so there's not a lot of interaction so I just kind of avoid it

 

[Genevieve206]

Oh my, I am sorry to hear that. You must have been in a very bad place, I hope you have risen above it. I have to tell you my brother committed suicide, and I honestly believe that had he known the effect it would have on the family and others he would not have. If you ever feel that way please get help, tell someone right away, and do think about the impact it would have on your loved ones.

I believe that getting on a diet you feel good about will help you. What will it take to do that? I think you know what a good diet is, can you do it today or tomorrow? Just for the day, and then report back to us.

That alone probably isn't enough, I think you need some help with your mental health, and as LaMa says that is nothing to be ashamed of. Please get the therapy and treatment you need. And don't lie to your nutritionist, like LaMa says if you do you are wasting your time, your nutritionists time, and somebody's money.

If you post here I will do what I can to help, and so will others I am sure. You can do this!

I'm really sorry to hear that <3 sorry I haven't come on here in a while, I was sectioned at 17 diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia but I stayed on my meds had a few hiccups along to road found meds that work for me but during the current situation I haven't been able to take them because I have a compromised immune system and the meds I'm currently on leave you with a weakened immune system I'm just coping with fasting and calorie counting I'm trying to stay under 800 I've made a little book to keep track on what I eat thank you

 

[Llama]

Glad you´re still around, Genevieve. I know it´s hard to talk to someone when you feel guilty but maybe now´s the time to come clean.

I'm just coping with fasting and calorie counting I'm trying to stay under 800 I've made a little book to keep track on what I eat

That sounds good at least, sounds like you´re feeling a bit better.

 

[Cate]

I didn't realize that about PS meds & just read up a little about it. It sounds like you are doing a really good job, Genevieve under the circumstances. Good for you.