Need a good joke ... read on

allcdnboy1

allcdnboy1

New member
A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY...
Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.


MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00am.
Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the
health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, Although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,a nd then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. Belinda's voice is a little too perky for early in the
morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine-which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like a root
canal or a vasectomy.
 
Oh my gosh that is TOO Funny!!
 
more diet/exercise jokes

(long day time on my hands and well we can always use more jokes!)

He was only a chocolate chip cookie...
...but I loved him.

I met him at a party. There he was at the end of the buffet....a loner; the last one on the plate. He had a certain something...a sweetness, a sensuality. He was one hot cookie. I felt as if I'd always known him...hungered for him.

When he looked at me with those warm brown eyes, I melted. Before I knew it, I had my hands on him, my mouth on him...in public. After that night, we were inseparable. With him I could be myself. He didn't seem to care what mood I was in, how I looked or even if I gained weight. Together we had the recipe for happiness. No one satisfied me like Chip.

THEN THINGS CHANGED

My friends said he was no good for me. He started to give me heartburn. I felt crummy, but it had to end. Now we've gone our separate ways. I hardly think of him anymore. Oh, if I see a certain TV commercial, a particular magazine ad, a coupon for money off...that old longing returns. And when we run into each other in the supermarket, we nod. We're friendly.But it's OVER!

------------------------------------------------------------------
you know its time to diet when...

...you try to do a few push ups and discover that certain body parts refuse to leave the floor.

...your children look through your wedding album and want to know who Daddy's first wife was.

...you get winded just saying the words "six-kilometre run."

...you come to the conclusion that, if God really wanted you to touch your toes each morning, He would have put them somewhere around your knees.

...you analyze your body honestly and decide what you should develop first is your sense of humour.

...you step on a talking scale and it says, "Come back when you're alone."

...to you, "Itsy-Bitsy Teenie-Weenie Yellow Polka dot Bikini" and "The Impossible Dream" become the same song.

...you accept the fact that you can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but not while you're wearing a bathing suit.
-------------------------------------------------------------
New Diet Rules

1. If you eat something, but no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet coke whilst eating a chocolate bar, the calories in the chocolate bar are cancelled by the diet coke.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.

4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count. Example: hot chocolate, brandy, toast, Sara Lee cheesecake

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.

8. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.

9. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives and spoons have no calories. Examples: peanut butter on a knife, ice cream on a spoon

10. Foods of the same colour have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate. Chocolate is a universal colour and may be substituted for any other.
 
I know this was posted 8 years ago, but I think it is hilarious! I copied it ( removing a couple of the "bitch" words) and sent it to my husband :)
 
A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."
 
Lol, love all of them.

I laughed the hardest at this or though....

...your children look through your wedding album and want to know who Daddy's first wife was.
 
Thanks Kushy,
 
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