Marraige

fattrapped666

fattrapped666

New member
This question is kinda weird and misplaced...and um..pretty much for anyone married...what's it like? I mean...yeah...whats it like?
 
depends on if you marry the right person or not, really
 
well i wont ask the cliche "how do u know" thing hehe, i just hear the term husband or wife on the forum and it intrigues me...
 
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For me being married is awesome, but that does not mean easy. I love my husband very much, but life grinds away at us but at least we have each other for support. Unfortunatley I think a lot of relationships don't survive the pressures of daily life.

Thats why finding the right guy/gal is so important, because a marriage is a working relationship. Not something passive. My mother use to always say, "a marriage is a union of two forgivers." I really like that, she read it somewhere and just loved it.

Hope that is a bit helpful.
 
My problem w/ marriage is this....people change. you know? the guy you marry now, may not be the same guy you are married to years later. For example, I never ever wanted to marry a smoker. Well, the night before our wedding my husband started smoking! I was soooo angry w/ him for it! I don't want to be forced to take care of someone diying of emphasema or a stroke. Mind you things happen, and I understand that. But to bring it on yourself and expect your family to re-arrange their lives to care for you is unreasonable......BUT...thankfully he did quit down the road.

I have a friend who had a great husband who enjoyed an occasional trip to the casino. No harm there. But 10 yrs into the marriage, he grew an obsession of gambling and it cost them everything. he'd even gotten in a car wreck for falling asleep at the wheel. he was late to work and ended up loosing his job.

I have another friend who married a man that had a great job. worked everyday, brought home good money. Then the comp. shut down and her hubby refused to work after that forcing her to go to work.

I'm sorry, don't mean to be the downer of the group, lol. I"m sure if you find the right person, marraige can be GREAT! but how do you know???? Don't ask me :D
 
For me being older when you wed, is helpful. In your 20s you change so much. I think late 20s early30s is a great time to get married. But nothing in life is garranted(sp).

Sometimes it's the oddest couples, that make it. I think having common moral values is important too. But ultimately, you can only be reasponcible for yourself in the marriage all you can do is make sure you live up to your end and try to be the best husband/wife you can be.

For me marring my man is/was the right thing to do and I wouldn't change a min of it.
 
I agree with everything that has been said so far. Marriage has been a rollercoaster for me, some days its good some days its bad. The man I dated was wonderful, loving, funny, love to spend time with me, couldnt do enough for me. About a month after we married things started to change. I guess all a long he was the person he is now, but I was blind to it. I think we both wanted to get married so much we didnt take enough time to ask the right questions. Like how do we see the rest of our lives going. My hubby is happy plodding along with what he has, wear I want to strive for more out of live. I love to go out and be around people, hubby wants to spend all his spare time on the computer, hates having people over. Also our own parents the relationship that we have seen growing up effects who we are in our relationship. My husbands mother did everything for the family, his dad took off and he only ever saw her do it all. Therefor he leaves everything for me to do, house work, gardening, kids, the dicipline of the kids just paying all the bills he wants me to make the decisions on everything. When all I want is a my husband to step in and make some of the decisons. In my head a lot of this stuff would be a joint thing, as thats the example I have seen growing up. To anyone wanting To get married I suggest pre marriage cousnling. Sounds weird but it helps sort out the simple stuff before hand so it doesnt get blown out of proportion during the marriage, because your expectations were different. If you know where each other is comming from then thats half the battle I think.
 
Wow thanks guys thats really given me an insight into all the different ways marraige can go. I myself havent seen anything but disaster through marraige, so its absoluty a mystery when people say how wonderful and understanding it can be. I dont want to be on the end of the spectrum of my parents or my stepparents or my friends parents..so on and so on...id like to be happily married but theirs so much doubt.
I think everyone wants the fairytale, but it never works out like that because, yeah, like Newbride says, people change...and things happen in life we cant control...but somethings are other peoples decisions that destroy everything.
Id like to know how men feel about marraige desperatly, as with all the marraiges ive known its been the man to ruin things. I dont want to go through life thinking men are terrible, and that i cant get married because they arnt good people, there has to be men out there that are good..? Right..? It seems like before marraige men will do anything to marry u, but once ur married they just want to get rid of u...
 
I think Dr Phil has some good books on marriage and relationships. Information can never hurt especially before you jump in.

Zolia I feel for you. Being a wife if your sahm or working is soooooooo hard and repetitive and exhausting. My hubbie and I struggle as well, but he does help.

I know sometimes I don't feel appreciated, and I get very pissie when that happens. Maybe read Dr. Phils relationship rescue book. The thing is I think a lot of girls and guys think once they marry no work is involved and I think it can be so hard to nurture a marriage when there are bills to pay and kids to take care of it's so draining, especially if your partner has an attidude that he's just to sit back and let you handle it all. It think it should be team work myself.
 
Thanks guys :)
I definitly think it should be team work to Phat, and one giant learning experience for both parties..noone can be a marraige expert if theyve never done it right? And if they have then theyve never married this particular person before...and um..if they have then thats odd and...im not sure where im going with this...
Moving on..
Thanks again :) id still love a man's perspective...do they exist still? :p lol
 
I had someone recently tell me that a couple should get married within the first two years of the relationship - while they are still all ooey-gooey over one another... But to be honest - I kind of think that is crap. I think only when all of that ooey-gooey stuff is over and settled can you really see one another for who you are and can then determine whether or not you can be together through thick and thin for the rest of your lives...

I too have seen so many relationships where individuals have changed and become different people 20 years into a marriage. It happens, and there really isn't much you can do about it. But I think that getting into a relationship young or when you haven't know one another for a long time also hinders your ability to really work with one another because you don't truly know the person (with all their faults).

I say most of this, being a 23 year old woman who has been in a relationship with my fiancee for over 6 years. we started dating our senior year of high school and have been together since. Could we have gotten married a few years ago - sure. But we have absolutely changed during that time and are different people than we were back then. I think that we are fortunate in that we are still people one another likes and loves and cherishes - and I think that being in a relationship with someone and being close helps your changes to be more compatible... but our changes/growth/development also could have affected us negatively.

I know so much more about him than i ever thought possible. I know what its like to clean up the bathroom after a night of being sick due to food-poisoning. I know when he gets cranky and why. I know that with all honesty now that I could truly commit to the vows of "in sickness and in health, for better or for worse."

I think that marriage is about a partnership and a deep true friendship. That notion about two forgivers is SO important. If a marriage is just about ooey-gooey love, it will tend to fall apart when that fades away... so find someone who can be your best friend and you can love forever...

**edit** I don't mean by this that you HAVE to know everything about the person you want to marry... I think that every single day you learn something new about your partner... every day you have to make the choice to love them again... building up that commitment is so important. **edit**
 
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another important aspect of marrage is alot of people ( me included) don't really know what you want or expect of a person when you get married.

FOr example, do you want someone who is going to be active w/ you? like going to the store, going on walks,movies ect. Sounds silly, but when you do most everything alone, its gets lonely, you'll wish you'd married someone w/ some motivation.

You need to really put thought into what you want/expect before you get married.
 
Newbride I think you make an excellent point about expectations. I know for myself I need to get in the habit of asking for my needs to be met in a more positive way.

For example, instead of whineing you don't do this or that. Say it makes me feel so good when or if you could do this for me. It's so hard for me to speak frankly like that because I feel vulnerable. But I'm sure he'd be more receptive to me if I did that.
 
Yes, expectations was really the point I was trying to get at before. Everyone has different expectations and its important to sit down and discuss that before marriage to make sure you both want the same things out of life. And Yes you should marry a friend, someone who you want to be friends with for the rest of your life, because once the excitement is gone, and the kids are grown and left home you want some one who you can still sit and talk with and have fun with.
 
I got with my ex when I was 13 we got married when I was 17 and separated when I was 20-21. He was an ass but it takes 2 to tango and if I had of been a different person he would have been a different person. I met my partner now when I was 21 and we are still very happy 16 years later. I don’t regret any of my first relationship though because it taught me what I wanted like your saying says
DEFINITION OF INSANITY: Repeating the same actions again and again, expecting different results

Learn from your mistakes and things can only get better.
 
Here is a link on Dr Phil's site on marriage preperation
 
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Okay, here goes from an inexperienced person’s point of view :D :::

I am 22, and have been married for approximately 6 months. My husband and I have known each other for only 1 ½ years. I may not be this gung-ho, so excuse me. ;) Here are some opinions I have on the issue of marriage.

Marriage is a gamble. No amount of preparation or information is going to insure you a good marriage. Nothing is ever going to insure that you have a happy life.

My sister started dating her husband when she was 15. At the age of 26 they got married. So, they had been dating for 11 years. At the age of 32, after having two children with him, she found out that he had been cheating on her for the entirety of their relationship. There are also stories of people who get married after knowing each other a month, and their relationship lasts a lifetime. And, there are stories of people who get divorced a day after they're married. It is all a gamble. You are the one who has to decide if it is worth it to you.

Why did I decide to get married? The gamble is worth it. I don’t know if my husband with be faithful forever or always love me. I do know that I want to love him always and I want him to love me always. I don't know if we will get divorced! I want to be old with him, I want to live my moments with him. My mother and I fight a lot now. We have had some really hard times (it was just she and I while I was growing up.) Sometimes I wish I could disappear and never see her again. But, I would never do that. I would never trade those happy days, or the bad ones for that matter. Sometimes I think people don’t realize your husband is like your mother. This isn’t a friend you can just stop calling. It is your husband. You are his and he is yours, forever.

In fact, I am fairly sure that people approach marriage in the wrong way this day in age. People think that if they are not happy than just get a divorce! After all, you got married to be happy right? That is NEVER the reason to get married, at least in my book. Happiness is a fleeting emotion, and more often than not your life isn’t going to be all that great. Although, I hope your life is teh exception to the rule :rolleyes: . But, you can have someone to share it with, even when it is sad, and especially when it is happy.

Please don’t think that I completely disagree with divorce. Sometimes it is surely the best thing. But, I don’t think it should be a widely used tool for fixing your problems. The other day my husband and I were driving down the highway, and we saw a van on the side of the road. It was one of those vans that people usually sell herbal medications and things out of (I think this may only happen in Texas), but get this, it was a Divorce van!!! On the side there was a large banner that said “Unhappy? Get divorced in less than 15 minutes.” WOW!

Another thing that I think people don’t realize is life decisions that effect marriage. Have people seriously thought about this? Have people thought about how children and work effect a relationship? I’d like to take Children as an example, I am sure that there are many other life decisions that effect marriage, but this one hits really close to home. It seems that all of my friends get married to have children. They don’t even leave enough time to get to know their husbands. I am not so sure that marriage should wait until a person’s 30s, but I certainly think children should. People don’t question these decisions. I just don’t think they think them through. It seems proven to me that women under the stress of a newborn become, well lets face it, a little mean. It seems that men are not attracted to mean women (there is another word that I would like to use that starts with a b and ends with itch, but I don’t want to cuss.) Therefore, why is it that people are so surprised that men and women are rarely “intimate” after having children (Again, I hope your case is the exception.) If you haven’t even learned how to decide on wall paper together, how are you going to decide who is changing the babies diaper this time around?:eek:

I know this may sound like I don’t like children, but I really do. I love my nieces so much. But, I have seen the stress, and the way it makes my sisters act. It is a wonder to me that they are ever ;) “intimate” with their husbands again!

It is a wonderful decision to have children, but it also has large consequences. People think that marriage is scary, because you're committing for a lifetime. I think the same amount of time should be committed to the decision of having children. If I were to have a child I would be taking the devotion and care that I have committed to my husband in marriage, and stretching it to encompass a child. I don’t know if our marriage can handle this, and I don’t think I will take the chance.

Okay, sorry to blurb about everything. This is just a topic that hits close to home, because my husband and I are having difficult times right now. I mean, he is out of a job, and we are living with my mother. :eek: Imagine what THAT does to a marriage! LOL.

I hope this is somewhat useful.

Thanks for listening.
 
Elegance...my goodness, I couldn't have said it better..
I too am a young wife...am 23 years old..been married for three years now..
and although I am sure lots of people think "well what did she get herself into?" many people can't understand why on earth I'd like to be married at my age..
but I adhere to the "Elegance" school of thought when it comes to my idea of what marriage should be....and I don't think you can truly ever be prepared for it...granted you shouldn't go in with all these expectations of a utopic existence..
But for me, I always say it, I love my husband that's a given...it's that uncontrolable feeling that we have....and sometimes we can love people that are not good for us...or that may not be worthy of our love. However, I think it is just as important if not more to "like" each other...and I always say that to my husband...that I actually like him alot...(to which he always answers: well..that's good to know, otherwise we'd be in trouble wouldn't we?)..but what I mean is, I enjoy talking to him...his ideas, his opinion, his dark sense of humour are all things that are part of his personality that make me look forward to sharing things and ideas with him...
I also do not plan on having any kids any time soon... I've been travelling the world with my husband on his photography work assignments...and it's been great...because we are building memories and creating a strong bond...experiencing new things with each new country and culture..
Thus, one day we'll settle down..and we'll look back and (hopefully) will think we had a good run and continue building our lives together..
now granted...there is always the possibility of people growing apart...and I completely understand that many may view my views as a product of my age..but I'd like to remain optimistic altough realistic and am determined to make it work..because..well..I kinda like my husband :D
I'll get back to you in 20 years...who knows maybe I'll be divorced and laughing at my stupid naiveté
 
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