Looking for support

[Kelly.7]

Hi, I'm Kelly, I'm 22, I'm an actor, and a UK size 18 at only 5ft1.
I've always had a terrible relationship with food, to the point that I've now got a binge eating disorder. I hate my body, but I've always had other things to focus on rather than my weight and weight loss. I've got severe depression and anxiety, and for most of the past decade, my focus has always been on getting through the day without falling into a depressive state. I mean, I've done pretty well, for someone as depressed as I am, I'm pretty high functioning. But I've had enough of looking the way I do and I don't really know how to reach out for support and shift the weight. I'm also scared that shifting my focus towards loosing weight is going to push my binge eating disorder to develop into bulimia. I had a real problem with anxiety in my teens, I was throwing up nearly every week because I was so anxious. This led to me as an adult having a real aversion to throwing up, I won't do it even when I'm ill and it feels like I need to, but I'm nervous that if I focus on loosing weight every time I slip up and binge, I'll get anxious and start throwing up again.
My relationship with food is awful, mostly because I was neglected a fair bit growing up, so when my mum worked evenings, my stepdad wouldn't bother cooking dinner or preparing any food for me. I was really isolated back then, and so many of my needs just weren't being met, most of them social and emotional, but this one was physical. So by getting stuff to eat myself, I was filling the biggest gap in what I wasn't getting, and I felt looked after, even though it was me looking after myself, though this developed into a pattern of every time I felt like I wasn't getting what I needed I would eat. And I was six/seven at the time this was happening, so it wasn't exactly healthy eating, it was anything pre-packaged that I could reach in the kitchen and didn't have to prepare in any way, so like, crisps and yogurts.
I've tried talking to doctors about my weight and the binge eating, but I keep getting brushed off. The GP I first talked to about it was a lot bigger than me, like, orders clothes from a special catalogue big, and I don't think she took me seriously at all, especially not the emotional side of it. And I'm not saying that to be mean, just that, the weight I am is severly obese by nhs standards, and it is a problem for me, and this woman didn't seem to take it seriously because she was much bigger than I am. My therapist has said that he was going to refer me to a clinic for the binge eating, but the waiting lists are really long, and he wants to wait until I've started Dialectic Behavioural Therapy first, which, is fair enough, but I've really had enough being the size I am, and it's becoming more of an issue for me right now.
I'm not sure why it's bothering me more now than it has at any other point in my life, but it really is. I want to reach out and ask for support but I'm not sure how to, or who to ask. So, here I am I guess, and that's me. A fat girl with a binge eating disorder and a load of emotional baggage.

 

[alligatorob]

Hey Kelly, welcome to the forum!

Let me start by saying a lot of the folks here have been where you are, you will find support and help here from people who understand the problem. Most of us are not professionals, just others who can relate to your problems.

I suggest you start a diary on the Weight Loss Diary page (https://weight-loss.fitness.com/forums/weight-loss-diary.9/ ) and tell us more about yourself and your goal. Tell us what you are eating now, and the plans you have would help too.

A fat girl with a binge eating disorder and a load of emotional baggage.

I was a fat boy with a binge eating disorder for many more years that you have been alive. So I know a lot about where you are coming from. I also know you can end it, just stick with us and work at it.

I am looking forward to reading about your progress!

Actors are interesting, you should tell us more about that too.

 

[Llama]

Hi Kelly and welcome
First off: I´m so glad you have a therapist and seem to be working on that side of things. With your past it´s no surprise at all that food is a charged topic for you but things can get better and you deserve help with that process. I am not a therapist (well, I am, but for physical aches and pains) but I did deal with crippling anxiety for the first 20 years of my life (and depression for most of it) and I threw up a LOT as a kid. I´m not done with binging yet but I´m a lot better than I used to be. I can´t tell you what´ll work for you but some stuff that helps me is:
- Eating enough at my regular meals. If I try to lose weight quickly I will fall face-first into a bucket of icecream.
- Having enough protein and fat with my meals. I I try to go too "lean" or forget about protein I´ll start craving salty or fried stuff.
- Eating my meals slowly.
- Adding veggies to every meal. Even if I end up having crackers and cold meat I´ll end up a large handful of lettuce/baby spinach/arugula. From a bag, because when I´m eating crackers for a meal it´s because I lack the energy or motivation to do anything beyond the bare minimum.
- Allowing myself to eat as much good fruit as I want to. That one´s a bit harder right now but frozen mango is wonderful.

Everyone has to find their own path to health but looking at what works for others and adapting what you think might suit you can be helpful. The diaries are good for that as you get to peek over everyone else´s shoulder. Plus you´ll see we all mess up sometimes and it doesn´t mean we´re awful people (I hope!) so when (not if) you mess up some time you´re still deserving of love and respect.