Is it possible for people to change?

K

Kat74

New member
I have a question to all that read this:

Do you think people change their ways? Do you believe once a cheater always a cheater? Caught in a lie and you're always telling a lie?

I'm a confused at the moment...my ex wants to try and make things work, however I don't know if I should believe him...he has cheated in our marriage, and he has lied as well...so I'm wondering what ya'll think about people really changing....I always say that I'm blinded by my own emotions, so just wanting to get some comments from people who have no biased opinions I suppose...

Or are we who we are...thats how we are wired? Any comments would be greatly appreciated...

Kataleena
 
wow, i really wish i had something worthwhile to say here.

i believe that it is possible to cheat once, be truly sorry, and then never do it again. for example: i once had a boyfriend (about 5/6 years ago) that i cheated on once. it happened once and never again. we broke up, and he is nothing to me now. the point is that just because i did it that once, doesn't mean i will ever do it again. i AM NOT a cheater. i would never in a million years cheat on james (current boyfriend). that one stupid moment does not define who i am as a person.

but if it is something that has happened over and over again, then i would be inclined to say that it will probably happen again. does he lie often? has he cheated several times?

sorry i couldn't be more helpful!
 
Don't go into a relationship expecting to change a guy from his ways. Just don't attempt, he'll probably go for it at first. But he'll be doing the same old as soon as another girl comes around. Same for guys, you can't change a girl. Find someone you're happy with, if they screw you over, end it.
 
well here is a little history...

We were married 9 1/2 years...at that time our children were 8 and 1...while we were married he decided he wasn't "happy" in the relationship and decided to move out, thinking that he was staying with his sister for a little bit...well come to find out he was seeing some other woman and moved in with her and her daughter...we were seperated for 8 months...I filed for divorce, but caught up in the moment...he wanted to come back and was sorry...I took him back...but it was awful...we argued all the time, I didn't trust him, I was insecure...and finally I decided to move out of state...

Now...3 years later...he has been saying all along that he is sorry, and wants to make it work, but I just couldn't get over it...I was too hurt to listen to what he had to say...I had built up a wall...in between those 3 years, he was seeing several different women...yes, we were divorced, however, there was one that I think that he might have been seeing prior to our divorce being final...should it matter? I wasn't in the same state, and we were seperated, but why does it bother me so much?
He says he has changed...he says he wants his family back, and that he wants to be with his children...but I don't know if I should believe him...I am still hurt by this, and yes I need to get over it, and move on...and slowly I have been moving on...but there is a part of me wanting to be with him and our children, and then there is a part of me, that says he is who he is...I'm so confused...

he is now back in Massachusetts left on friday...he says he will do a lateral transfer out here to be closer to the children, if the police dept here accepts his transfer...but to be honest, he can be saying how much he loves us and loves me...but then has someone else there telling the same thing too...

I can go on and on, but I won't...there have been things over this past week that didn't make sense to me...like why he has his phone on silent if he isnt hiding anything...why on a piece of paper with his ituberary has a girl writing that says "I love you and see you soon"( his excuse was he didn't know who wrote that, and that it may have been his partners girl that wrote it on there...yeah right) I have trust issues obviously...I guess I just needed to vent it out...thanks for your response
 
IMO trust is a major part of any relationship, if you cannot trust him to go off without you, then there really isn't any reason to get back together. I also believe that there is a difference in trusting someone and not feeling 100% happy about them "going out with the boys," however I do feel that this is important for all people.

Cheating takes on many meanings for individuals whether it's emotional, physical or whatever. One of the biggest questions that can't always be determined is why? In most cases, I believe that the individual is NOT getting something that is needed in the relationship and seeks this feeling(s) outside of the relationship.

It is here that it seems most women find their men cheating emotionally because they can almost always get attention from these women that they aren't getting at home (and it's usually a different or considered more positive). If you think about all of the things involved in relationships kids and their activities, jobs, bills, household needs, emotional needs of wife and the list can go on and on; women can find some solace with their female friends who relate to one another, but men (and I'm generalizing here) cannot really get the same with their male friends, thus comes the female for him to share happier times with outside the home and sometimes it becomes sexual. It could be that there is the one night stand that comes up and is a major mistake due to atmosphere and intoxication level too.


I honestly feel that for cheating to stop, you must find the cause of it and determine if the reason behind the step outside the marriage or relationship is repairable. Is it attention, sex, stress, travel ... what is the cause? It can be a number of things and for any reason. I don't believe that once a cheater always a cheater. I believe that once you find this reason, you can make the decision whether or not you are willing to take that chance again with the same partner. Even a habitual cheater can be found to reform if you push the right buttons, IMO. If you make the decision to stay, I would request a full STD panel of testing for both of you so you know what you are crawling back into bed with. Harsh, maybe.. but at least you can know in advance what each of you are bringing to the bedroom.

Good luck with your decision. I know it's going to be a tough one for you!
 
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People can change if they want to badly enough... at one point in my life I believed once a cheater always a cheater - until I met a buddy of mine -who knows what damage he caused by his cheating - it was a mistake on his part, that lack of communication in the relationship caused - he knows he took the easy way out.

the biggest problem with staying with somoene who cheated on you - is that you have to forgive them and put it in the past... somehow -thru couples therapy, or whatever trust has to be reestablished and that's hard work on his part - it's hard work on your part as well because you can't let yourself go back to when he cheated whenever he's late, or doesn't call, or acts suspicious.

It's incredibly hard but I know people who've done it -you somehow have to say today is a brand new day -what's in the past is in the past.... but if he screws up again, and gets caught then I'm gonna call maleficent and she'll helop castrate him :)

seriously -- good luck with whatever you decide - I believe that a relationship is worth saving if he honestly makes you a better person - and you can't imagine life without him...
 
Thanks a lot for the responses...Greatly appreciated! I'm not going to rush into anything...I need to take things slow and give myself a chance to really think about this rather than jump into it all emotional...

again, thank you so very much...
 
I don't believe that people change their fundamental personality traits -- except through trauma.

So yes, the consequences of cheating could cause a chain of events traumatic enough to cause you to change your personality. I guess divorce and losing custody of your children would certainly fall into that category.

Even then, actions speak far louder than words. Someone who has genuinely changed acts differently than they did in the past. Change is not a "promise"; it is a rewiring of the way you respond to events.
 
cheating intentionally is a whole lot different to being drunk at a party and cheating the once due to circumstances

This guy sounds like a loser, and you sound like you are enabling him to cheat by by taking him back after doing so.

You can do better than him by FAR!
 
^^ you are right, in a way I am giving him the power to step all over me...

I always try to look for the good in people, and I think I want to believe that he has changed...but deep down inside I know that the change he is displaying is just temp...

Thanks again to you guys

Kataleena
 
Everyone is different.

I know some people who have in fact changed. I know some who never will change.

If someone ever cheated on me, I would leave them in a heartbeat and never look back. But, I have never gotten married before NOR do I have kids. Combine those two and I may be tempted to try it again BUT I would be crazy possessive. :(
 
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