~♡~I'll have my cupcake and eat it too~♡~

Ihaveacupcake

Ihaveacupcake

Active member
Hi! I'm cupcake and I'm back. I've been binging. Not good. But I've lost a small amount of weight (I'm 140). Then I fell into an anorexic mindset for a while. I tried starving but ofc that didn't work and I binged, now I'm here.

I need to get a hold of my binging again and eat normally. My tdee is 2000 so I'm now eating 1600 (compared to 1000). I'm hoping for a loss of 1lb a week. I will weigh Saturdays so I don't go crazy with daily fluctuations.

What will I do to combat binging- eat enough! I'm active and need to fuel my body. And be mindful of why I'm hungry. Most of the time it's just a habit.

For exercise, I still pace in my house. 12k-15k a day. I love it. Walking is therapeutic for me.

Something else, I picked up doing my own gel nails as a hobby. I'm a certified nail tech but I don't practice, I just do my own nails now. I love it!

What else? Oh ya, hubs found a garter snake so we are keeping it as a pet. We got a terrarium for him. He's so cool, his name is Slyther.

I'll be talking about details in my day to day life. As well as keeping track of my mental state. I've been diagnosed with schizophrenia and bipolar. I'm on strong meds and feel numb a lot. I miss being happy. The anorexic mindset kills my joy, so I'll be on a journey to find my joy again
 
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So a little about me. I'm 36, very happily married with 2 kids under 10 and I'm a stay at home mom.

2 years ago I had a mental breakdown that landed me in a mental hospital for a week while I was put on 3 different meds for schizophrenia, bipolar and depression.

When I get into my depressive episodes I often fall back into an anorexic mindset. I want this to stop. Starving isn't doing anything for me but causing me to binge more.

I can't believe summer is almost over. I'm excited, I'm ready for the kids to go back to school and I get time alone. I'm ready for calmer days.
 
I am schizo affective disorder as well. Cool that you have a snake pet. that's a lot of steps for just getting around the house. It should help your chances of losing weight. I dont know what meds your on but I take 2 psychiatric meds that cause weight gain. Its not the meds that do it per say its that they make you hungry all the time that eventually causes weight gain. Its hard for people like us to lose weight but it sounds like you have a good routine with your steps.
 
size32someday said:
I am schizo affective disorder as well. Cool that you have a snake pet. that's a lot of steps for just getting around the house. It should help your chances of losing weight. I dont know what meds your on but I take 2 psychiatric meds that cause weight gain. Its not the meds that do it per say its that they make you hungry all the time that eventually causes weight gain. Its hard for people like us to lose weight but it sounds like you have a good routine with your steps.
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Glad to know I'm not alone. I also take 2 antipsychotics and an antidepressant. Abilify, olanzopene and cetelopram. They make me very hungry and I gained 15 pounds because of it.

Sorry you deal with schizoaffective, that was my official diagnoses too but I find it easier to say schizophrenia and bipolar. It's hard to deal with it, but thank God for meds!

We just got our pet snake a few days ago, it's so cool to feed him!

Ya I find it hard to sit-down so pacing helps. Thanks for the encouragement! Good luck on your weight loss journey!
 
139.4. Which means I lost .8 pounds this last week. I had like 3 binge days too, so I'm happy with that weight! But no more binging from now in cupcake.

Plan for today

Brekky- 2 cups loaded coffee (c&s), raisin toast with pb
Lunch- Bowl of shreddies cereal
Snack- 1 cup loaded coffee, protein bar, fruit bar
Supper- Burger, veggies

Total- 1582

I'll have a morning update and an afternoon update.
 
size32someday said:
I dont know what meds your on but I take 2 psychiatric meds that cause weight gain. Its not the meds that do it per say its that they make you hungry all the time that eventually causes weight gain. Its hard for people like us to lose weight but it sounds like you have a good routine with your steps.
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Oh boy I´ve been on this train before and psych meds can be insidious when it comes to weight. Of course, being a bit chunkier may beat the unmedicated alternative. It´s not easy. I gained this spring first because I was bulking and then because I was on Triptyl for migraines. I´ve quit it now and my weight is slowly dropping again.
skinnyminny said:
Then I fell into an anorexic mindset for a while. I tried starving but ofc that didn't work and I binged, now I'm here.
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I´m familiar to this as well. I´ve noticed that my weight and exercise works best when I do not try to lose weight, and when I do not drink any calories or even sweetened energy drinks and such. And is sucks, because I fucking love energy drinks and protein drinks, but they simply mess with my hunger and satiety cues way too much. I´´ve started to substitute these by taking a tea thermos everywhere I go. Today I made an electrolyte drink of sorts out of rooibos, salt, 1 teaspoon of honey, and juniper berries for extra taste. Of course it´s still a sweetened drink but plain salt in tea... IDK if I could handle it lol.
 
Waked and baked at 6 and started pacing. Yes I am a pot vaper as well as a nic vaper. I vape pot for a few reasons. It helps with my depression but mostly I use it as a pain reliever left over from cancer treatments. I had cervical cancer 7 years ago and had surgery and radiation. The radiation left scar tissue and I often get really bad period like cramps, but pot makes this go away.

Anyway I had brekky at 6:30 and paced till 8:10, when I hit my 10k step goal.

I just got an email that my new nail gel is out for delivery! So excited for it, then I need to do my nails. I like to overlay them will gel then paint regular polish on, and it wears till I take it off, 3 weeks.

I've been obsessing over my nails lately tho and it's causing me stress. I used to get them done professionally but stopped going for price reasons. I am a certified nail tech (non practicing) and know how to apply nails but I'm so meticulous about them. Any little flaw I hate and want to take them off. I never did that with my nail tech. If something was off about my nails when she did them, I didn't care, but I do with my own. So I'm excited to do my nails but I hope I don't stress over them.

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Made the kids chocolate chip pancakes, they looked so good but I already ate brekky but my tummy is rumbling. I should probably have a morning snack but I can't fit into my calories. I do have 2 afternoon snacks at 2 and 4, I could probably have 1 of them in the morning but I get the most bingy in the afternoon/evening. So 2 snacks is needed. I'm hungry now yes, but I can very easily ignore it till lunch.

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At 11 I had a bowl of cereal for lunch. I normally have yogurt and granola but I have no yogurt left, so cereal it is. It was yummy! 😋

No gel nail stuff yet, it'll be delivered by 10pm tonight. I'm hoping to get it early enough to do them this afternoon or at the latest, tonight after the kids go to bed. I want to have them done for church tomorrow.
 

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Floater said:
I´m glad you survived the cancer, and that weed helps with the pain. I don´t vape anymore because I´m trying to conceive but I do wish weed was legal here in Finland.
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Congrats on trying to conceive! Hoping it'll happen soon 🤞. Ya I'm glad I can get it legally here now. I used to smoke it but hated trying to mask the smell. I'm sure I stunk like it all the time. Too bad it's not legal where you are.
 
cervical cancer sounds really scary im glad you came out ok, Never cared for pot myself it makes my head feel like its filled with cotton. Although that would change if I had gone through cancer like you did. Now since you mentioned it I have a craving for pancakes. Not going to give in though there is too much sugar in the syrup.
 
Afternoon

At 12 I really wanted something to snack on, but I told myself (nicely) nope, gotta wait till 2 for my protein bar.

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Took a 45 min nap, which felt glorious. Woke up, had coffee and protein bar at 2. I'm going to stop with the protein bars once I'm done them and snack on a granola bar instead. Since increasing my intake, I should be getting good enough protein without it.

My nails stuff still isn't here, looks like I'll be doing my nails tonight if it shows up on time.

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At 2:30 I got a message that my gel is out for delivery and will be here within the next 3 hours. So I'll do my nails after supper!

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My family and I are supposed to go grocery shopping this afternoon, but my hubs is napping. He worked very hard this past week and he needs the rest. I don't feel like going out anyway, my anxiety is up about it. I get nervous going out. The world is really big, it's scary and I just prefer to stay in the house. But if he gets up in time to go then we will, I hope not tho, and we do it tomorrow.

I think I'm going to stop counting and logging my calories. I eat pretty much the same thing everyday. Having to count suppers can be difficult especially when supper plans change. Most likely like tonight (unless we do a late shop) I'll be making soup and sandwiches instead of my counted burger. Soup and sandwiches will most likely put me over cals for the day and I can't do anything about it. Then I stress over seeing a higher cal day. Ugh. So no more counting calories on average I eat 1500-1600 a day.

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We ended up going shopping at 4:30 till 6. My gel stuff came and the container is so big! I'm so pleased. I got new nail brushes too. Excited to do my nails tonight!

I decided to enjoy some fries at supper since I got extra steps in from shopping. I'm glad I allow these extras when I exercise more! Not starving but fueling my body feels good. I'm hoping for a 1 pound loss a week but will be happy with .5lb. I did snack on candy tho and I shouldn't of. But that's my last temptation. I had a cookie problem 🙈 for a while, I beat that and now have a candy problem.

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I'm pacing and have this feeling of anxiety about the kids going back to school. The change in routine is what's making me nervous. I felt the same when summer holidays started and I have survived summer. So why do I get anxiety?

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Supper was really good! The hubs sure knows how to bbq! I ended with 19k steps. Watched walking dead then bed. Night! 🌙
 
Morning

Waked and baked at 6 today and immediately started having anxiety over school starting again. The homework, bday parties, the snow and cold. I always survive, just like I did this summer but I'm nervous nonetheless.

Had a peice of raisin toast with pb for brekky.

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Church was good. I sat in the tech booth with my hubby. I have issues falling asleep during the service 🙈 I like being active so when I sit down for 10 mins or more I instantly get tired. I've always been like this, even as a child. But I did indeed fall asleep on my hubbys shoulder for pretty much the whole thing. Oops.

I'm a Christian and used to be very devout. But lately I'm kinda over the whole religion thing. I'm not excited for church or church events anymore.

2 years ago I had a mental breakdown and went through psychosis with religious delusions. Everything I did had to involve God somehow. Tv shows, movies, books and music had to center around Christianity. Now that I'm mentally stable, I find it very hard to get excited about God now. But I believe in Him and Jesus and try to live a good life, and I pray that's enough.

There are always snacks after the service and I always try to avoid it but not anymore. It's a weekly treat for me. Today there was my favorite chocolate chip cookies. I ate 2 bc these are my favorite!
 
skinnyminny said:
Church was good. I sat in the tech booth with my hubby. I have issues falling asleep during the service 🙈 I like being active so when I sit down for 10 mins or more I instantly get tired. I've always been like this, even as a child. But I did indeed fall asleep on my hubbys shoulder for pretty much the whole thing. Oops.

I'm a Christian and used to be very devout. But lately I'm kinda over the whole religion thing. I'm not excited for church or church events anymore.

2 years ago I had a mental breakdown and went through psychosis with religious delusions. Everything I did had to involve God somehow. Tv shows, movies, books and music had to center around Christianity. Now that I'm mentally stable, I find it very hard to get excited about God now. But I believe in Him and Jesus and try to live a good life, and I pray that's enough.
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I´m sure that God doesn´t mind that you fell asleep. You needed the rest. I understand how religious delusions would affect your relationship to religion. I´ve had to make the decision to not go to Mass or Bible study group because it is too triggering for me. I get OCD symptoms. I like to go to the church and sit there for a bit on my own. I think it counts. It´s more important to do what feels natural, not perform faith.
 
Floater said:
I´m sure that God doesn´t mind that you fell asleep. You needed the rest. I understand how religious delusions would affect your relationship to religion. I´ve had to make the decision to not go to Mass or Bible study group because it is too triggering for me. I get OCD symptoms. I like to go to the church and sit there for a bit on my own. I think it counts. It´s more important to do what feels natural, not perform faith.
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Aww I'm sorry u deal with it too. It sucks, I want to be engaged with it but just can't. I do enjoy going to church too and being around people tho.

Ur right about not performing faith. It's not about works, it just about pure faith in Him.
 
Afternoon

Got my gel nails done! A nice silver sparkle polish to finish them off. They look nice again. I hate being without gel nails.

I then had lunch, yogurt and granola. It was so good. Then at 2 I had both my afternoon snack, a granola bar and a banana. They were so good too.

Around 3:30-4 we are going mini golfing with MIL. Should be fun.

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Mini golfing was...mini golfing. Lol. I don't think anyone really enjoyed themselves, it was kinda boring.

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My anxiety is up, worrying about future appointments and whatnot. I hate this, it really bugs me. So while making supper, I paced to ease the anxiety. It helped a little. Ended with 20k steps.

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Supper was very good! Bbq chicken, side kick noodles and cauliflower. I am going to have 2 crackers with nutella as a treat later. Today is a maintenance day lol back at it tomorrow!
 
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Plan for today

Brekky- 2 cups loaded coffee (c&s), raisin toast with pb
Lunch- Yogurt and granola
Snack- 1 cup loaded coffee, granola bar, banana
Supper- Pulled pork sandwich, veggies

Total- 1566
 
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Morning

Waked and baked and showered at 6 today. Then I started having a lot of anxiety about school starting and my routine changing. I just told myself to enjoy the day and week and deal with it when the time comes. It worked! I calmed down.

I decided to continue counting calories. I didn't yesterday and ending up binging last night on nutella. Hopefully seeing the calorie number will keep me more accountable.

At 8:30 I had raisin toast with pb, it was so good. Then I did chores and finished by 9:45. Also got 10k steps.

Now I'm sitting on the couch browsing the internet. I'm bored. I should do more cleaning but I'm just not up to it. I didn't even mop which is my extra chore on Mondays. I usually sit around a lot once chores are done. I get overwhelmed easily with housework and usually keep it to bare minimum.

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I had a nap and it felt good. I feel more awake now. I'm always tired tho no matter how much sleep I get. I've always been a lethargic person. It sucks cuz I need at least 8 hrs to function. 9 to not feel so tired all day. With my nap I got 8hrs 40mins. I got to bed early last night. So a good rest!

Then I made the kids and myself lunch. Yogurt and granola for me 🤤 my favorite meal.
 
I fell asleep again for about 30 mins. I hate this. Why can't I sit down and enjoy whatever it is I'm doing? Why must I always get tired and want to fall asleep? Ugh, it's frustrating.
 
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