Hello
So, I don't even know how to start but I really, REALLY hope this is going to be the breakthrough I need.
Currently I am 220 lbs which scares me and I am tired of feeling heavy and ugly. I am not an ugly person but when the weather changes and I need to go out in t-shirts... it gets hard. I feel awful with my big belly and red face shining from sweat.
I definitely prefer winter
If anyone's interested in my story, here it is.
_____________________________
It all started when I was quite young. My family was pretty unforgiving when it came to imperfections in my appearance. For some other people the comments they made might seem rather harmless, but there was something vulnerable in me. Each and every comment was interpreted in the worst way. Even when I was a kid I heard "oooh, look at that belly, eating too much sweets, are we?", "are you letting yourself go?" Even the defending comments were not of the supporting kind, because what do you get from "she's going to grow out of this". I remember my older brother looking at me standing on the scales and laughing "oh, did it break?" I was 8. I think that broke my heart for the first time, I ran into the forest and cried to die or for a miracle, I was just so... tired, I guess. I remember waiting and waiting for something to happen, an angel to come and rescue me from my weight. Of course nothing happened. I remember looking at an ant and feeling just like it, insignificant.
Later, as a teenager I was just a bit overweight, but I had a huge problem with my body image. I looked in the mirror and saw a monster, an elephant. I heard contradictory messages - you need to lose weight, don't worry, you look fine, you have a big belly, you're going to grow out of this, look at these thighs, you have stretch marks, don't eat so much, don't be stupid, you're not ugly...
However, I wanted to exercise. It gave me pleasure, so I started to run in the mornings. I started VERY easy as my endurance was disastrous. What did I hear from my father - "it's not going to work, you need to run 10x more everyday and even then I don't know if it will work... when I want to lose some pounds, I go to work in the forest and I eat one meal a day." Great, dad. Fantastic advice for a growing girl in her teens who has to go to school! When I started to go for swims I heard from my mother "oh, I don't think swimming once a week is going to change anything... if you went every day, maybe." Yay. Only she didn't want to give me money for that, so... Do I need to tell you they're both overweight and inactive?
Even later, as a young adult, when I was already obese, I wanted to DO something. I happened to be at my grandma's in the countryside so I went for a run to the forest. And my brother saw me and wanted to join. Then he made a comment, laughing "oh, you're running so slow I could just walk beside you". That was the last time I went for a run.
All I heard was - there is something wrong with your body but you can't do anything, even if you try, you do it wrong.
But no one gave me the support I needed.
So I finally believed it. It went downhill from there. Twisting my knee didn't help. I grew and grew in size. I felt there is nothing I can do.
What else? I believe - and this is what I learnt during my psychotherapy - that I am afraid of being sexually attractive. This is an unresolved issue for now. I was molested as a kid so I think that maybe some of my wires got crossed but the thought of men thinking of me this way... scares me. So - maybe, that's just my guess - for me being obese is just a way of protecting myself. That's my reasoning why none of my attempts to lose weight worked. And I tell you - I am a really level headed woman, smart and strong. So struggling with this so much, not controlling what and how I eat... it's bewildering and annoying.
I want to be fit. Not for attractiveness - I am just tired of being tired all the time, of being heavy, of not being able to run, of not being able to go up the stairs without getting breathless, of being sweaty and red and of being constantly ashamed of my protruding stomach.
_____________________________
So here I am now, at midnight, wanting to start again. But now maybe with someone's support. I hope. So if you want to leave me a message or some advice or just a kind word, I'll appreciate that.
What I'm going to do? Start SLOW. Today I ate musli with nuts and with greek youghurt (and I measured how much, not the overfull bowl as always), then toasted cheese sandwiches with mushrooms and low fat cottage cheese with chives and tomatoes. Of course I couldn't stop myself from eating chocolate so there's that - half a bar of a dark (60%) chocolate (it's like 50 grams).
I feel good about myself today because even if it's not ideal, it's ten times better than my normal eating habit.
Wish me luck
So, I don't even know how to start but I really, REALLY hope this is going to be the breakthrough I need.
Currently I am 220 lbs which scares me and I am tired of feeling heavy and ugly. I am not an ugly person but when the weather changes and I need to go out in t-shirts... it gets hard. I feel awful with my big belly and red face shining from sweat.
I definitely prefer winter
If anyone's interested in my story, here it is.
_____________________________
It all started when I was quite young. My family was pretty unforgiving when it came to imperfections in my appearance. For some other people the comments they made might seem rather harmless, but there was something vulnerable in me. Each and every comment was interpreted in the worst way. Even when I was a kid I heard "oooh, look at that belly, eating too much sweets, are we?", "are you letting yourself go?" Even the defending comments were not of the supporting kind, because what do you get from "she's going to grow out of this". I remember my older brother looking at me standing on the scales and laughing "oh, did it break?" I was 8. I think that broke my heart for the first time, I ran into the forest and cried to die or for a miracle, I was just so... tired, I guess. I remember waiting and waiting for something to happen, an angel to come and rescue me from my weight. Of course nothing happened. I remember looking at an ant and feeling just like it, insignificant.
Later, as a teenager I was just a bit overweight, but I had a huge problem with my body image. I looked in the mirror and saw a monster, an elephant. I heard contradictory messages - you need to lose weight, don't worry, you look fine, you have a big belly, you're going to grow out of this, look at these thighs, you have stretch marks, don't eat so much, don't be stupid, you're not ugly...
However, I wanted to exercise. It gave me pleasure, so I started to run in the mornings. I started VERY easy as my endurance was disastrous. What did I hear from my father - "it's not going to work, you need to run 10x more everyday and even then I don't know if it will work... when I want to lose some pounds, I go to work in the forest and I eat one meal a day." Great, dad. Fantastic advice for a growing girl in her teens who has to go to school! When I started to go for swims I heard from my mother "oh, I don't think swimming once a week is going to change anything... if you went every day, maybe." Yay. Only she didn't want to give me money for that, so... Do I need to tell you they're both overweight and inactive?
Even later, as a young adult, when I was already obese, I wanted to DO something. I happened to be at my grandma's in the countryside so I went for a run to the forest. And my brother saw me and wanted to join. Then he made a comment, laughing "oh, you're running so slow I could just walk beside you". That was the last time I went for a run.
All I heard was - there is something wrong with your body but you can't do anything, even if you try, you do it wrong.
But no one gave me the support I needed.
So I finally believed it. It went downhill from there. Twisting my knee didn't help. I grew and grew in size. I felt there is nothing I can do.
What else? I believe - and this is what I learnt during my psychotherapy - that I am afraid of being sexually attractive. This is an unresolved issue for now. I was molested as a kid so I think that maybe some of my wires got crossed but the thought of men thinking of me this way... scares me. So - maybe, that's just my guess - for me being obese is just a way of protecting myself. That's my reasoning why none of my attempts to lose weight worked. And I tell you - I am a really level headed woman, smart and strong. So struggling with this so much, not controlling what and how I eat... it's bewildering and annoying.
I want to be fit. Not for attractiveness - I am just tired of being tired all the time, of being heavy, of not being able to run, of not being able to go up the stairs without getting breathless, of being sweaty and red and of being constantly ashamed of my protruding stomach.
_____________________________
So here I am now, at midnight, wanting to start again. But now maybe with someone's support. I hope. So if you want to leave me a message or some advice or just a kind word, I'll appreciate that.
What I'm going to do? Start SLOW. Today I ate musli with nuts and with greek youghurt (and I measured how much, not the overfull bowl as always), then toasted cheese sandwiches with mushrooms and low fat cottage cheese with chives and tomatoes. Of course I couldn't stop myself from eating chocolate so there's that - half a bar of a dark (60%) chocolate (it's like 50 grams).
I feel good about myself today because even if it's not ideal, it's ten times better than my normal eating habit.
Wish me luck
