PussyCat1
New member
* this story is going to be very long so thanks everyone for the reading.
First, I have to say that English isn't my first language so I hope that everybody will understand me.
I'm a woman, 34, married, no kids, self employeed, working from home.
I have very stressful period behind me, which resulted in weight gain.
Few weeks ago, I finally stepped on the scale, and it showed 240 pounds, definetely the biggest weight I had in my life. (I'm 5'7)
I admit I suspected and felt that my numbers went too much up, but the real final number really suprised me.
So, somebody could ask - how couldn't you notice what is happening? Well - here's why. I'm actually overweight my whole life, balancing between 165 and 200 lbs, depending on the food and level of my activity. I was actually even in few sports and activities during my lifetime and I have never been skinny.
So when you get used to extra pounds, it's very easy that those pounds became a part of who you are, and nobody ever expect from you to be smaller. Even I didn't expect that from myself. Of course, everybody expect that you probably love to eat - so you do it.
And you think to yourself - 'I'm overweight already, I've been like that during my lifetime, even when I won some medals. It's who I am and it's probably not going to change.'
So you try to love yourself and live your life. And be relaxed both in the life and in the kitchen.
Second thing is that I actually have hourglass figure and I gain weight everywhere in the same amount. I always have some kind of waistline and I'm blessed with firm butt. My neck isn't fat and I can always see my collar bones. My calves are muscular, but not fat. Let's say I'm an endomorph with lot of mesomorph elements which is good and bad in the same time. My Health was always pretty good, blood tests, cholesterol and sugar levels was perfect.
So, the weight gain still haven't seemed so tragical (except I couldn't wear most of my old pants). Until I stepped on the scale. That was a huge eye opener for me, and I have decided to take a personal trainer and fall under the 200 lbs as soon as I can.
At the same time, I went to the doctors, they make some blood test. I can say I'm still in healthy range, but there is some changes in my glucose levels and cholesterol which are slightly higher than usual. My doctor said that it's still pretty normal and that they are going to fall down when I lose some weight.
I also went to the gynecologyst to get some pills because my cycles become slightly messy, but she refused to give me those and that was because of my weight. You have to lose 20 lbs before I give them to you. she said.
In that point I felt really embarassed. I understood her concern and I appreciate it, but I was still embarassed.
I was ashamed of myself, and couldn't stop thinking what have I done to myself. I obviously step over my weight maximum and my body started to cry for help.
So, I got serious. I got great trainer, she made me a food plan and we started to exercise. She says that I have to lose the weight slowly, like 10 lbs every month or less. I decided to stick to her advice and do everything she says.
I have big motivation, I workout every day, I get up early, I NEVER made any mistake with the meal plan which is big thing for me (I usually loved to indulge myself too often). I'm thinking about my glucose and chol levels all the time. I don't want to be diabetic one day, or having problems with conceiving or pregnancy. I don't want to be fat mom who couldn't control myself and so on..
So, the decision was made, and I'm gonna stick to it.
Even now I see results, few pounds dropped off, I have lost some inches, small amount, but I think it's the way that it supposed to be...
But my problem is extreme self-avareness and kinda depressive thoughts which obsesses me.
I can't be happy and enjoy this process, because I'm painfully avare how big I am, I'm avare that even after I lose 40 pounds - I'm still going to be big.
Problem is - I have to live somehow during all that process. I don't want to be closed in my room and avoid people. I want to go to the wedding and vacation and don't feel ugly and fat.
I was never that type of person, I was always happy and proud even with all those pounds (because I always thought they were matter of looks not the Health, I actually considered myself as 'fat and healthy'), but now it's different - I finally realised how unhealthy I was actually living, and for the first time I started to really hate myself and all of my habits which bring me here.
So now I have a feeling I couldn't ever be happy and relaxed until I shred all those weight and until my blood tests be perfect again.
For some people that kind of self avareness motivational, but for me it's hard. I actually have the urge to avoid some birthdays and other events, because I'm finally avare how big I am.
And I don't want that. I want to be positive and people person during this process as well, not only after it.
Is there anyone who's been through that, is there anyone who can understand me, even a bit?
Also, do you have any mechanisms which keeps you positive and optimistic during this weight loss process.
I found some plus size models and I'm trying to relate to them, I think this could be helpful during this period, because I'm still fat, but I should look nice when it's needed, even if I'm still not on my desirable weight.
Hope someone is going to share thoughts with me and give me some new perspective.
Thanks.
First, I have to say that English isn't my first language so I hope that everybody will understand me.
I'm a woman, 34, married, no kids, self employeed, working from home.
I have very stressful period behind me, which resulted in weight gain.
Few weeks ago, I finally stepped on the scale, and it showed 240 pounds, definetely the biggest weight I had in my life. (I'm 5'7)
I admit I suspected and felt that my numbers went too much up, but the real final number really suprised me.
So, somebody could ask - how couldn't you notice what is happening? Well - here's why. I'm actually overweight my whole life, balancing between 165 and 200 lbs, depending on the food and level of my activity. I was actually even in few sports and activities during my lifetime and I have never been skinny.
So when you get used to extra pounds, it's very easy that those pounds became a part of who you are, and nobody ever expect from you to be smaller. Even I didn't expect that from myself. Of course, everybody expect that you probably love to eat - so you do it.
And you think to yourself - 'I'm overweight already, I've been like that during my lifetime, even when I won some medals. It's who I am and it's probably not going to change.'
So you try to love yourself and live your life. And be relaxed both in the life and in the kitchen.
Second thing is that I actually have hourglass figure and I gain weight everywhere in the same amount. I always have some kind of waistline and I'm blessed with firm butt. My neck isn't fat and I can always see my collar bones. My calves are muscular, but not fat. Let's say I'm an endomorph with lot of mesomorph elements which is good and bad in the same time. My Health was always pretty good, blood tests, cholesterol and sugar levels was perfect.
So, the weight gain still haven't seemed so tragical (except I couldn't wear most of my old pants). Until I stepped on the scale. That was a huge eye opener for me, and I have decided to take a personal trainer and fall under the 200 lbs as soon as I can.
At the same time, I went to the doctors, they make some blood test. I can say I'm still in healthy range, but there is some changes in my glucose levels and cholesterol which are slightly higher than usual. My doctor said that it's still pretty normal and that they are going to fall down when I lose some weight.
I also went to the gynecologyst to get some pills because my cycles become slightly messy, but she refused to give me those and that was because of my weight. You have to lose 20 lbs before I give them to you. she said.
In that point I felt really embarassed. I understood her concern and I appreciate it, but I was still embarassed.
I was ashamed of myself, and couldn't stop thinking what have I done to myself. I obviously step over my weight maximum and my body started to cry for help.
So, I got serious. I got great trainer, she made me a food plan and we started to exercise. She says that I have to lose the weight slowly, like 10 lbs every month or less. I decided to stick to her advice and do everything she says.
I have big motivation, I workout every day, I get up early, I NEVER made any mistake with the meal plan which is big thing for me (I usually loved to indulge myself too often). I'm thinking about my glucose and chol levels all the time. I don't want to be diabetic one day, or having problems with conceiving or pregnancy. I don't want to be fat mom who couldn't control myself and so on..
So, the decision was made, and I'm gonna stick to it.
Even now I see results, few pounds dropped off, I have lost some inches, small amount, but I think it's the way that it supposed to be...
But my problem is extreme self-avareness and kinda depressive thoughts which obsesses me.
I can't be happy and enjoy this process, because I'm painfully avare how big I am, I'm avare that even after I lose 40 pounds - I'm still going to be big.
Problem is - I have to live somehow during all that process. I don't want to be closed in my room and avoid people. I want to go to the wedding and vacation and don't feel ugly and fat.
I was never that type of person, I was always happy and proud even with all those pounds (because I always thought they were matter of looks not the Health, I actually considered myself as 'fat and healthy'), but now it's different - I finally realised how unhealthy I was actually living, and for the first time I started to really hate myself and all of my habits which bring me here.
So now I have a feeling I couldn't ever be happy and relaxed until I shred all those weight and until my blood tests be perfect again.
For some people that kind of self avareness motivational, but for me it's hard. I actually have the urge to avoid some birthdays and other events, because I'm finally avare how big I am.
And I don't want that. I want to be positive and people person during this process as well, not only after it.
Is there anyone who's been through that, is there anyone who can understand me, even a bit?
Also, do you have any mechanisms which keeps you positive and optimistic during this weight loss process.
I found some plus size models and I'm trying to relate to them, I think this could be helpful during this period, because I'm still fat, but I should look nice when it's needed, even if I'm still not on my desirable weight.
Hope someone is going to share thoughts with me and give me some new perspective.
Thanks.
