How to help someone else stay motivated

[Truffle Monster]

Hi guys,

I’m after some help here.

My partner has struggled with her weight for a long time. Recently I’ve started to drop a lot and it’s made her somewhat resent me. I don’t mind because I understand where it comes from.

My problem is that she wants to lose weight but hates exercise. She works a lot (2 jobs) and is very disorganised naturally. She doesn’t like salads or veggies on their own. She likes pasta dishes and curries. Last week she got very motivated and made a weeks worth of meals to freeze but after finishing them has gone back to take away most days for lunch and dinner.

To make it very clear I DONT CARE ABOUT HER WEIGHT AT ALL. All I care about is her happiness but her happiness is very caught up in her self image.

My problem is I want to help her stay motivated BUT we like very different things; I like exercise and my favourite meals are salads and big chunky grilled veggies. How do I help her stay motivated?

Thanks.

 

[M2M]

Do you know if your partner has checked out this site?
I'm a pretty big believer in intrinsic motivation so I'm not sure what you can do to help her stay motivated. It has to come from her.

 

[Cate]

It does have to come from her. If my husband ever suggested I needed to lose weight I think I would fall head first into the most fattening food imaginable & be so hurt. Keep being an example & let her decide (or not) in her own time.

 

[Truffle Monster]

It does have to come from her. If my husband ever suggested I needed to lose weight I think I would fall head first into the most fattening food imaginable & be so hurt. Keep being an example & let her decide (or not) in her own time.

Thanks. Yes i would never tell her she needs to. She tells me she needs to and I always tell her if she wants to I’ll support her but I absolutely do not want to ever make her do anything. Problem is she seems to look to me for motivation but I just can’t seem to find a way. The problem is I’m very active and she’s not. I ask her if she wants to come in walks with me but she isn’t confident enough to. I think I’ll take a step back and do at least one walk at her level a week so we can go together.

Surely that can’t go wrong ... can it?

 

[Truffle Monster]

Do you know if your partner has checked out this site?
I'm a pretty big believer in intrinsic motivation so I'm not sure what you can do to help her stay motivated. It has to come from her.

Hi, thanks for your response. No I haven’t shown her this site. She hates people talking about fitness; it makes her very self conscious.

 

[M2M]

I think I’ll take a step back and do at least one walk at her level a week so we can go together.

Surely that can’t go wrong ... can it?

Yeah, I'm not so sure lol

I'm a strong believer that our opinions drive our actions, so no matter how much you say you don't care about her weight or activity, I'm getting the feeling that maybe you do.

To say that you'll "take a step back" from what you would normally and do "at least one walk at her level" can be interpreted as very condescending.
That might not be what you mean it to be - and it might.

Some people benefit from losing some weight before engaging in exercise, so maybe making healthy meals together would be a better place to start.

 

[Truffle Monster]

Yeah, I'm not so sure lol

I'm a strong believer that our opinions drive our actions, so no matter how much you say you don't care about her weight or activity, I'm getting the feeling that maybe you do.

To say that you'll "take a step back" from what you would normally and do "at least one walk at her level" can be interpreted as very condescending.
That might not be what you mean it to be - and it might.

Some people benefit from losing some weight before engaging in exercise, so maybe making healthy meals together would be a better place to start.

Maybe it could be interpreted as condescending and that I care but I’m not being condescending and I don’t care. That doesn’t change the meaning of my actions or words. Unless you know me and you know my partner I’d appreciate you not making assumptions based on your own bias. I’m a strong believer in opinions drive our actions too. My opinion is I want my partner to be happy. She wants to lose weight so I want to help her. If she wanted to gain weight I would want to help her with that too.

What I mean is I’ll take the time to walk with her once a week (we don’t live together).

Thanks for your input.

 

[M2M]

Maybe it could be interpreted as condescending and that I care but I’m not being condescending and I don’t care. That doesn’t change the meaning of my actions or words. Unless you know me and you know my partner I’d appreciate you not making assumptions based on your own bias. I’m a strong believer in opinions drive our actions too. My opinion is I want my partner to be happy. She wants to lose weight so I want to help her. If she wanted to gain weight I would want to help her with that too.

What I mean is I’ll take the time to walk with her once a week (we don’t live together).

Thanks for your input.

I wasn't making assumptions, just saying how it could be interpreted.
Best wishes

 

[Awakenedmama]

It’s a tough one, issues with weight is a touchy subject. In my personal relationship it’s the same way: I’m the health nut and my husband is the one who could care less about healthy lifestyle; he is a heavy smoker and has addiction to sugar. What I’ve found really effective is to have him realize what impact his lifestyle is having on the quality of his life, the level of energy by asking him certain questions ina way that helps him realize the gap between his pain and pleasure of being vibrant and enjoy the energy and vitality that comes from being healthy. My husband would complain how tired he was and yet would get offended if I said “ maybe it’s time to change your lifestyle, go to sleep early and stop eating sweets before bed) - this approach only alienates, you’d get a reaction and not a motivation even though the primary goal is to help.
Of course we want to help and support our loved ones, but Motivation is an internal drive. I’m helping women to get thin, and get rid of insecurities associated with body image, my primary focus is addressing the mental blocks and mastering psychology of eating. Website address removed