Have you ever been in a relationship that ended....

Josh_E

Josh_E

New member
Now before I get into my story I want to explain why Im doing this. I am the type of person that rarely shares his feelings and emotions with anybody but I have been bettering myself in the past couple of years and I just want some honest feedback from people who I feel I can trust to give it.

Ok..... good

Now my question is this.... Have you ever been dumped by a significant other and you cant seem to get over them? How did you do it? I am currently divorced and it has been about two years since me and my wife split up. I think it would be easier for me if we didnt have a two year old son who I pick up every other weekend. Now im not saying I regret the birth of my son because he is truly a blessing that was created out of the love of two people so dont get that confused. Every time I think about her and us it really hurts and I wish for nothing more then to get back together with her. I did her really wrong becausre at that point in my life I was nothing more then a lying theif with a drug problem. I have since then seen the error of my ways and have been correcting my own issues over these past years but I think she is hesitant to want to try things over again. I really dont blame her either, I just cant see myself without her. She is the only women I have ever really loved and cared about and I threw it all away because I was selfish and was only looking out for myself. I desperatly want things to work out between us but Im just scared that she doesnt love me anymore. What should I do? How do i stop the pain from hurting so much? Is there a possibility that things could work out between us if we did get back together? I need some honest feedback and any support you people can give. I thank you for taking the time to read this and I look forward to reading whatever advice you give or your own story that is similar to mine.
 
these are going to sound like cliches but...
pain eventually subsides... it might just take longer than 2 years - marriage makes it slightly different than regular relationships because you both made a commitment for the rest of your life to love each other and well. sadly that didn't happen.

The reason why your relationship ended was because oh a drug problem of yours?

Well (I have to put my honesty cap on)-she did the right thing for you and your child by leaving - any kind of addiction in a relationship is not a good relationship to be in and I give her kudos for leaving rather than staying.

Have youo gone to AA or NA and gotten help for your problem and how long have you been in recovery?

Is it possible for her to still love you? Yes... but trust is the main building block that holds a relationship together and you blew that trust -it takes it a long while of consistancy to rebuild that trust. I've been there - trust can be rebuilt as long as both parties are willing to let the past go...

Might I suggest counselling to help you both work thru some of the issues that you had in your relationship?

Has she moved on with her life? Is she dating or involved with someone else? Child or not - it's not fair of you to expect to give up her current happiness for the father of her child who hurt her...
 
maleficent said:
these are going to sound like cliches but...
pain eventually subsides... it might just take longer than 2 years - marriage makes it slightly different than regular relationships because you both made a commitment for the rest of your life to love each other and well. sadly that didn't happen.

The reason why your relationship ended was because oh a drug problem of yours?

Well (I have to put my honesty cap on)-she did the right thing for you and your child by leaving - any kind of addiction in a relationship is not a good relationship to be in and I give her kudos for leaving rather than staying.

Have youo gone to AA or NA and gotten help for your problem and how long have you been in recovery?

Is it possible for her to still love you? Yes... but trust is the main building block that holds a relationship together and you blew that trust -it takes it a long while of consistancy to rebuild that trust. I've been there - trust can be rebuilt as long as both parties are willing to let the past go...

Might I suggest counselling to help you both work thru some of the issues that you had in your relationship?

Has she moved on with her life? Is she dating or involved with someone else? Child or not - it's not fair of you to expect to give up her current happiness for the father of her child who hurt her...
Click to expand...

The reason the relationship ended was a couple factors but the drug addiction was one of them, another being the constant lying and dishonesty.

I have been to AA AND NA and I have been clean for about a 7 months and I dont plan on going back to it because It wrecked my life, possibly a life I may never get back. I dont want anybody to think that I expect her to come back to me because honestly I dont deserve the chance, but the pain hurts so bad that I just want to prove to her that I am the man she once loved and show her how much I have changed.

When we were together I tried suggesting couples counseling but she didnt think I would be honest enough to go through with it. Looking back on the times we spent together she didnt have any reason to act otherwise, I truly was a problem that she had to get rid of in order to be the best mother she could be for my son.

Im not sure is she has moved on with her life or not, I have never communicated with her about that, I can say though that in the 2 years we have been apart, our interaction with each other has become more calm and for the most part we are able to communicate with each other without any yellling or fighting.

I certainly appreciate your honesty because I need people to be as honest as possible with me about this..... should i try to persue her or should I just move on with my life? I told myself that I had to atleast tell her how I felt and let her make the decision for herself because I didnt want to force her into any situation she wasnt 100% comfortable with.... I gave her a note on saturday and basically poured my heart into this note with everything I ever wanted to say to her but couldnt for some reason. I asked her to read it and respond back by sunday wich was when I dropped my son of to her. Well, she didnt respond back and I dont even know if she read it. THe thing was three pages long so I guess I can't expect her to read it and respond overnight so I guess I will wait and see what happens there but I cant stress enough how much I would do in order for me to get that family back.... I love both of them with all my heart and Im just terrified that my past actions have sealed the deal, and that I will never get a chance to show my new and improved self to her... thanks maleficent I really appreciate the honest feedback
 
No matter who initiated the break, the end of a relationship is hard on one's ego. While going through the grieving process, it's important to move on with your life. Jumping into another relationship to build your self-esteem is not really the answer to the post-break up blues and self-doubts. Try some of these other tips to help put the past behind you, and look towards your future, with more confidence and self-esteem.

Aesthetics: Whether you are a man or a woman, having a fresh start often means changing your look. You may have been in a long- term relationship and "let yourself go." Many times there is a sense of complacency in long-term relationships, and our personal style and fitness might suffer. Take an honest look at yourself and let's make some positive changes to boost your self-esteem.

• Hair and Make up: Changing and updating a hairstyle can be an important step in making you feel good about yourself after a break up. Both Men and Women can benefit from spending some time at a salon and updating their personal hairstyle. Put your trust in the stylist and allow them to suggest new looks for you. Be daring and take a leap. Changing your hair, and learning how to create fun new do's with it is a great way to start off your transformation.

Ladies, you might want to invite some friends along and make it a spa day. Relaxation and laughter with good friends is the best medicine for a broken heart and confused mind. Get a manicure or pedicure, have your make up done differently and follow it up with a night on the town. This is about the new you, emerging from your grief into your new confident self who knows she will survive.

• The Clothes Make the Man or Woman! Have you gotten comfortable in your sweatpants rut? Time to spend some dough on new threads! You don't have to spend a fortune to pick up just a few new items to make you feel fresh and renewed. Bring a friend along on a shopping day, and get yourself a new outfit for dates and casual nights with friends. Buy apparel that brings a smile to your face, bright colors and fun styles will help break you out of the blues and bring your wardrobe into the new social scene.

• Get in Shape: Whether you gained a few pounds or broke out of your previous healthy exercise routine, now is the time to reclaim the best that you can be by being fit and healthy. Join a gym, or even just set up an evening to walk with a neighbor, any kind of routine exercise will not only make you look good, but will allow your body to help make you feel better as well. Regular exercise is great for lifting depression, and seeing increases in your fitness level may encourage you to try out new sports like tennis, or even rock climbing! Decide what interests you and get your body moving!

Mental Changes: Now that the work of aesthetic changes is done, you need to focus your thoughts on the positives around you. Getting through the emotions of the break up is hard work, but working towards the future can give you hope and a purpose for your day.

• Write it Out: You've cried, and talked to your friends endlessly about the loss of your relationship. You may be tempted to further clear the air by communicating with your Ex… but don't look back. Write out your feelings in a journal, for your eyes only. This will give you the chance to honestly divest yourself of the pent up fears and frustrations that you may be afraid to confide to friends. The act of pouring your thoughts onto paper will also help you to stop perseverating on "what- ifs" and "should-of's." Once you write it out, put those thoughts away and get on with the business of happier living.

• Set Goals: Having a hard time thinking of reasons to get out of bed in the morning? Don't convince yourself that you are worthless or uninteresting. It is simply not true. Setting concrete goals can help to remind you of the things you want to accomplish and your talents and skills. Get yourself a large dry erase board and hang it in your kitchen, hallway, or bedroom. Create three columns labeled "Goals", "Steps," and "Deadlines." Have you always wanted to travel to Italy? Find out what it would take to make that dream come true. Contact a travel agent and perhaps a friend who may like to go along. Figure out what it would take financially and logistically, and set you a reasonable goal of 6 months, or even 2 years! The deadline doesn't matter as long as you are reminded of your dream and are taking steps to make it happen. Maybe you would like to learn how to cook, dance, or even just spend more time with friends. Make these into goals and start pursuing your dreams. Taking classes or even socializing with friends can help rebuild ones self-esteem and provide you with much needed opportunities to meet new people, and get to know yourself!

The Best Revenge is to Live Well: No matter what you choose to do, choose to do something. Don't let the heartache of a lost relationship continue to affect you by making you believe you are undesirable or uninteresting. Get up and get out. Rebuild your self-esteem by following your own desires and interests and spend some much-deserved time on yourself. Whether you think you would most benefit from a massage or a gym membership, set your goals, and look toward your future as the self confident, and appealing person you are.
 
americanwit said:
No matter who initiated the break, the end of a relationship is hard on one's ego. While going through the grieving process, it's important to move on with your life. Jumping into another relationship to build your self-esteem is not really the answer to the post-break up blues and self-doubts. Try some of these other tips to help put the past behind you, and look towards your future, with more confidence and self-esteem.

Aesthetics: Whether you are a man or a woman, having a fresh start often means changing your look. You may have been in a long- term relationship and "let yourself go." Many times there is a sense of complacency in long-term relationships, and our personal style and fitness might suffer. Take an honest look at yourself and let's make some positive changes to boost your self-esteem.


• Get in Shape: Whether you gained a few pounds or broke out of your previous healthy exercise routine, now is the time to reclaim the best that you can be by being fit and healthy. Join a gym, or even just set up an evening to walk with a neighbor, any kind of routine exercise will not only make you look good, but will allow your body to help make you feel better as well. Regular exercise is great for lifting depression, and seeing increases in your fitness level may encourage you to try out new sports like tennis, or even rock climbing! Decide what interests you and get your body moving!
Click to expand...

I guess thats what im doing by changing my eating lifestyle at the moment. Thanks for the advice
 
I understand where you are coming from Josh E...I was married for 11 years before we divorced...and we have been divorced for over a year now, and been seperated for 3 years going on 4...the pain is still there...just like yourself, I have 2 children with him...even though he doesn't live in the same state as I do, I have reminders of him every single day...

I often tell myself that with time the pain will subside...I have to say that my pain isn't as bad as it was 2 or 3 years ago...I've come a long way...but I still have long ways to go...With my divorce I gained so much weight, I was depressed, felt unloved, felt that my life was one big failure...the truth was I had no control over my life...emotions sometimes takes the best of us...I've started taking small steps to improve myself...I went back to college finishing up my degree...started nursing school...took the first steps to my weight loss...and I have taken some time for myself to figure out what I need and want from my life...maybe this is your chance to do some soul searchin' and better yourself...

Hang in there...things will get better, and maybe once you are at your 100 percent with yourself, you and your ex will get back together...or maybe you will have learned and from this experience it has turned you into a better person...(not saying you are not already...)

I heard this quote and it makes perfect sense if you think about it "Memories are like knives...they will hurt you" try to focus more on the positives of what has happened...and move foward...

good luck...and if you need to vent...I'm here :)
 
Some good advice there. Speaking as a bloke, I have felt that pain. Its real, even causes physical pain. But as Mal said - time is a healer. It takes time, it leaves you changed - but eventually the pain does go away. Try and take control of how it changes you, and make those changes for a better you.
 
Thanks you guys and gals I appreciate all the kind words....

well I got a letter from her about a week ago and she said she never wants to be with me again and that out of all the lies I told her it seems she wasnt as truthfull to me as well, She never wanted to get married. That was a big blow for me because it seems like that came out of left field. The main thing I got out of this letter is that I now have gotten my answer, and now I can start to move on from this. It helped that she admitted that to me because now I feel less towards her and with my enrollment in college and my recent health changes I can move on and continue to better myself for me and my son.... if 5-10 years down the road she wants to get back together with me then thats tough nuts on her because that letter was the deciding factor for the rest of my life, I will not have her put me through the pain again of having feelings for her again. I love her for the fact that she is the mother of my child but that is it, I now have no feelings for her in that way and wont ever again. Time for me to move on and continue my path to greatness
 
You'll do great...and you will accomplish your goals...just remember to focus on the now and not the back then...things will slowly fall into place...and you will move on to better things in life that you allow yourself to have and accomplish!

Good luck!
 
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