Feel like im losing a never ending battle

[Beanie2789]

During my first pregnancy i gained a lot of weight, since im short this is very obvious on my frame. To give you an idea of my natural figure, before pregnancy i was a size 8/10 and weighed 8st 9lb.
Once she was born i tried hard to lose the weight i had gained and eat right but as a single mum to a demanding baby i found myself working out less and less and eating foods that i shouldnt because they were quick and easily accessible.
I managed to my maintain my weight and i remained around 12stone which for me was upsetting but i was more concerned about being a good mum. Between my first full term pregnancy and my second i lost a baby at 15weeks and fell into depression. I lacked motivation and rarely left my house unless it was to benefit my daughter. Then during my second full term pregnancy i was happy but extremely paranoid and anxious and quickly found myself turning to food for comfort because i wasn't finding any at home from my partner.
I gained so much weight during this pregnancy that i weighed around 15st after birth. I felt disgusting and ugly and yet i still stuffed food into my mouth and the vicious cycle of self loathing and comfort eating began. My weight since then has fluctuated between 12st and 15st and i hate having to look at myself without my clothes on. I have zero confidence and self belief. Each time i try to push myself to lose weight i give up because i see myself and think, whats the point im always going to be fat and ugly.
I recently contacted a personal trainer with the hopes that they could help provide the kick i need to push me to reach my weight loss goals but the expense is beyond my budget.
I know that the issue is within myself. If i worked hard enough i could lose this weight but i cant for the life of me find it in myself to do it. I don't over eat but i am lazy and i make lazy choices. I haven't always been this way and my lack of motivation upsets me. I want to do better. To feel better but i just cant stop hating myself. Im at the point where i almost feel like i deserve to be like this. To be fat and unattractive and unhappy.
I dont know what the point of this thread is for me beyond just needing somewhere to get this off my chest without fear of judgement. I hope i havent upset or offended anyone and im sorry if this isnt the type of post that is allowed.

 

[brawny77]

Sure it is allowed
You just took a good step. You explained how you feel and tried to analyze the problem.
The question is can you turn these negative feelings into enough motivation to do something about it. It's hard but it's worth it. I hope you do. There are nice people on here who will offer encouragement. I am trying again after past success and then backsliding.
Best of luck and get going!

 

[Ash007]

Beanie,
I'm so sorry about your loss.

About your weight issues though it isn't your fault. During pregnancy, women eat for two after all and eating is an emotional and habit-based behavior. There are many reasons why it is difficult for women to lose weight post pregnancy (which you have stated some already I noticed). Some factors include stress, depression, thyroid and hormonal balance, comfort eating, and an inability to give up the extra food.

Let's first start with stress.

Certain hormones in our body including cortisol actually increase our appetite and cause our bodies to store more fat around our midsection which is super common (in both men and women) and it's not your fault. Especially when you're a new mom and you're dealing with a small child. I don't care how many books you read. Nothing prepares you. You just have no idea what you're doing the first couple of weeks or the feelings that come along with that experience. And look you're not the only one I know who's had this. A lot of women around me simply ate food even though they may not have even noticed it wasn't because of hunger per se but actually they were just stressed out. This was happening even before they gave birth. It sounds definitely like this is something that you are intimately familiar with.

Depression.

Postpartum depression is becoming more and more well-known. It's very common from what I've seen from other mothers too. It can just be a mild attack of baby blues or sometimes even full-blown partum psychosis. Scary but it happens. I don't have the medical knowledge to explain why exactly this happens but I'm certain it's a combination of things and not just one single factor because people are like that. We're complicated, we have lots of different things causing us to be a certain way. And it sounds like from what you wrote there's a lot going on between you, your baby, your relationship, and the fact that you're changing and dealing with your self-image (mental) and body image (physical). Furthermore, depression also leads to that sense of malaise and ill health both her mind and body. I don't have the report in front of me but I do remember studying in school that people who are chronically depressed have a higher tendency to get sick than those people who do not have depression. So there's something physiologically going on with our immune system when we're depressed that makes us more susceptible to getting sick. And here's the kicker, depression does have the possibility of feeding into emotional or comfort eating. I know you're probably shaking your head up and down right now saying "Yep! That would be me." And again I don't think it's your fault it's just something that happens so commonly because eating food becomes habitual and infused with emotion from our self-image and anxieties we're dealing with.

Comfort eating.

Taking care of a newborn is incredibly physically draining and emotionally draining as well. Sleepless nights sometimes irritable mood having to change diapers on a constant basis and just generally running on fumes and feeling tired all the time lowers our willpower. Now science has proven that willpower is a resource. It actually drains when we use it. So you can start off with high amount of willpower but if you constantly test it, it does start to whittle down until eventually you're more susceptible to doing things that you probably shouldn't. And it's not like you don't know right from wrong it's just you have had the willpower sucked dry from you. For us, it's midnight raids in the cupboards, the binge eating, stashing little treats away in our closet, car, or "area of the home." We all have comfort foods too! It's natural (mines Chinese food by the way). I think it actually gets worse when you have not only a young baby but older kids on top of it. And so with all this stress, depression, and low willpower it's no wonder that we grab for that instant gratification of food. On top of that, it's usually food that we probably shouldn't be eating right?

Habitually eating.
So there's a lot of emotional elements going on when you're caring a baby. The one I want to focus on is the privilege in our society of consuming guilt free the extra calories because you know you're eating for two right? So what happens after the baby then is we tend to find another excuse to continue with our "pregnancy diet" and obviously we know better and we definitely want to feel thinner but it continues because we fuel it with stress and comfort eating. Also, a lot of women get scared that if they change their diet it might affect the quality of your milk when you're breastfeeding. Overall this whole thing just becomes a habit. We keep eating the same way we did because we had to for nine months and it only takes 45 to 90 days to form a new habit anyway.

Thyroid problems and hormonal imbalance.

I don't know if this is you but it certainly is common from a medical standpoint that a lot of women experience some sort of postpartum thyroiditis which means your thyroid starts the malfunction after childbirth. Overactive thyroid results in weight loss but an underactive thyroid results in weight gain. Understand? Confused? Don't be, this is why we have doctors and it could be that in some cases women who do try to lose weight have a legitimate thyroid issue. This is not a copout but I firmly believe that having the right knowledge ahead of time saves you a lot of grief and pain. It empowers you. For hormones though well it's obvious, right? There are extreme fluctuations going on in a woman's body during the whole pregnancy process which do lead to weight gain and the inability to lose that weight later on. Also, oral contraceptives have shown to lead to hormonal imbalance and weight gain.

I hope this has helped you!
Best wishes dear,
Ash