Today, my house got egged and since it is the winter the eggs froze. They used two dozen eggs.
Today, at a party, I watched the girl I've liked for AGES come out of a bedroom with one of my lesbian friends. They were in there for a while.
Today, I decided to quit smoking and put on a nicotine patch. I decided to have one last cigarette and ended up sick at the doctors with nicotine poisoning.
Today, my younger brother and my parents were in my dorm room. When I wasn't looking, my brother opened the top drawer of my dresser (where I had a tube of half-used lube) and asked out loud: "What's Astroglide?".
Today, I was naked in bed. I was eating vanilla yogurt and it spilt. My dad walked in and then apologized that he had walked in on me while I was masturbating.
Today, I reached for my beer and took a huge swallow before I realized that I had picked up my friend's tobacco spit cup. "Vomit" is not a strong enough word to describe what happened next.
Today, I was hanging out with a couple of friends and one of them tells a funny story about how he filled a condom with syrup & put it in his friend's mouth while he was asleep. Me with my big mouth starts to say, "Condoms taste na--" and stopped myself as everyone started laughing at me.
Today, I was at Target with my mom. After 10 minutes of my mom walking around looking confused, I said, "Mom, what are you looking for? I worked at this place for 4 years, I know where everything is." My mom was looking for KY.
Today, I sent my best friend Mike the link to a porn site we were talking about at a party. Turns out the name 'Mom' is right next to 'Mike' in my contacts list.
Today, I went on a first date with an Egyptian/Cuban sorority girl. I asked her what language she was brought up speaking. She said that her mom spoke to her in Spanish, but that she only ever replied in English. I said, "Oh, kinda like Chewbacca and Han Solo?"
Today, I asked my girlfriend to have sex. She told me he would rather play ps3.
Today, I was eating ice cream and I noticed some on my jeans so I wiped it off with my finger and licked it. It was bird crap.
Today, my 4 year old niece ask me why I didn't have a job or wife.
Today, though I'm normally unperturbed by my single-ness, I walked by some squirrels engaged in mating rituals and felt a pang of jealousy.
Today, my friend's son asked me how much coke costs in this place. I told him "about a dollar?" He said "wow, that's really cheap for blow." He's 10.
Today, I got in line at the grocery store. The woman in front of me looked right at me, turned to her friend, and said "That reminds me, I forgot to get acne cream."
Today, I came into work with a new hair cut and so far everyone has asked me If I lost a bet.
Today, at a party, I watched the girl I've liked for AGES come out of a bedroom with one of my lesbian friends. They were in there for a while.
Today, I decided to quit smoking and put on a nicotine patch. I decided to have one last cigarette and ended up sick at the doctors with nicotine poisoning.
Today, my younger brother and my parents were in my dorm room. When I wasn't looking, my brother opened the top drawer of my dresser (where I had a tube of half-used lube) and asked out loud: "What's Astroglide?".
Today, I was naked in bed. I was eating vanilla yogurt and it spilt. My dad walked in and then apologized that he had walked in on me while I was masturbating.
Today, I reached for my beer and took a huge swallow before I realized that I had picked up my friend's tobacco spit cup. "Vomit" is not a strong enough word to describe what happened next.
Today, I was hanging out with a couple of friends and one of them tells a funny story about how he filled a condom with syrup & put it in his friend's mouth while he was asleep. Me with my big mouth starts to say, "Condoms taste na--" and stopped myself as everyone started laughing at me.
Today, I was at Target with my mom. After 10 minutes of my mom walking around looking confused, I said, "Mom, what are you looking for? I worked at this place for 4 years, I know where everything is." My mom was looking for KY.
Today, I sent my best friend Mike the link to a porn site we were talking about at a party. Turns out the name 'Mom' is right next to 'Mike' in my contacts list.
Today, I went on a first date with an Egyptian/Cuban sorority girl. I asked her what language she was brought up speaking. She said that her mom spoke to her in Spanish, but that she only ever replied in English. I said, "Oh, kinda like Chewbacca and Han Solo?"
Today, I asked my girlfriend to have sex. She told me he would rather play ps3.
Today, I was eating ice cream and I noticed some on my jeans so I wiped it off with my finger and licked it. It was bird crap.
Today, my 4 year old niece ask me why I didn't have a job or wife.
Today, though I'm normally unperturbed by my single-ness, I walked by some squirrels engaged in mating rituals and felt a pang of jealousy.
Today, my friend's son asked me how much coke costs in this place. I told him "about a dollar?" He said "wow, that's really cheap for blow." He's 10.
Today, I got in line at the grocery store. The woman in front of me looked right at me, turned to her friend, and said "That reminds me, I forgot to get acne cream."
Today, I came into work with a new hair cut and so far everyone has asked me If I lost a bet.