Dealing With People Who Smoke

Dr Game

Dr Game

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I have a growing problem, I can not deal with loved ones who smoke. I over react and I can feel my blood pressure go through the roof every time I see it. I know that I am over reacting, and I only feel this way when I see someone who I love do it. There is nothing I can do about them, so I need to focus around me. My girlfriend who I very much love has told me that she had quit, and made promises with me to not touch it again. Yesterday I was just walking to the basement, and who did I see doing it down there. It hurts me so much because I feel that it is one of the most damaging things you can do to yourself because people can spend there entire lives doing it. And I can not accept it.

What can I do to help cope with the stresses and realize that I can't over work myself. What books or articles can I read. I can not afford a psychiatrist, I would just like some advice. I keep it cool, and I don't get very mad on the outside. She knows exactly how I feel though, but I can't keep going like this. I need help realizing that she has chosen to do what she does.
 
I need help realizing that she has chosen to do what she does.
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Remind yourself often that you cannot control other people's choices... they are going to do what tehy are going to do ...

you can either accept them or move on from it..

for a lot of people - smoking is a deal breaker in a relationship...

Or recite the AA creed :)

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr
 
Its just I can see myself being with this person forever, but I fear losing her at an early age. Heart attacks run in her family as well, her dad died from one last year, and her uncle just had one the other day.
 
then explain to her how you feel - but don't expect her to make immediate changes...


Smoking is a bit like losing weight - people wil only do it when they are ready to do it... and once they are ready -it's not that difficult...

Don't worry so much about what could or might happen down the road... because it might or it might not - you reallydon't know what tomorrow will bring...

The lying about the smokng would bother me more than the smoking itself...
 
snowJT said:
Its just I can see myself being with this person forever, but I fear losing her at an early age.
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When my partner and I met online, I assumed she didn't smoke. And when we met in person, she told me she didn't smoke. Fifteen years later, she still smokes. (In her defense, she says that she really wasn't smoking when we first got together, and picked it up again later.) I despise smoking - among other things, my grandfather died of emphysema after being a long-time smoker.

You need to either get over it or get over her. If you'd stay with her even if she never quit, then assume she's never going to quit and go on with your relationship. If you wouldn't stay with her unless she quits at some point, cut your losses and walk away now. Otherwise, it's going to eat away at your relationship, and it's easier to walk away now than it will be years down the line.
 
Allyphoe gave some great advice there I think.

This is going to be long but hopefully helpful in some way.....

Coming from someone who was a smoker for at least a good 8 years - when I met my husband I was a smoker and for 7 years of our relationship I smoked. At first he didn't say much about it - but over the last couple years of me smoking he started to express that he was worried JUST LIKE YOU that it was going to shorten the time that we would have together, as well as other reasons.

When I was younger I lost my grandmother to lung cancer, my grandfather to colon cancer. I also was by my husbands side in November 2004 when we went to what we knew would be our last visit to his aunt battling cancer. And in July of 2006 was at my step-mother in-laws side at the funeral service for her mother who lost a short battle to cancer.

After several attempts of trying to quit - I finally was successful and smoked my last cigarette on December 17, 2006. But I had to quit for ME and not for anyone else. No matter how much you love someone - it doesn't make it easier to give up something.

In October 2007 my uncle whom my husband and I were very close with passed away after losing his 9month battle to cancer. On that day of his funeral I had never felt more proud of myself and assured that I had made the right decision. The decision to give myself a better and hopefully longer life!

Your girlfriend probably really does care what you think - it probably really does bother her that she knows how much it upsets/frustrates you. I suggest that you ask to have a talk with her (and not in the moment when your upset or have just seen her smoking) and just sit down and calmly let her know how you feel about her and how you feel about her smoking and the worries of what might happen to her if she continues to make that part of her life. Ask her if she has any desire to quit - don't give her an ultimatum - because then she'll try to quit for you and not herself and most likely won't be successful at it.

After your conversaton with her you need decide for yourself if you think this is something she is wanting to change and possibly how you can help her OR if you don't feel it is something that will ever be important to her then really it might just be time to move on.

I wish you the best - I can't imagine how hard it must be.
 
BIG_CHEESE said:
I Just Punch My Girl In The Face When She Lights Up. Problem Solved.
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I just tell them to step outside. If that doesn't work, I will kick, nag and poke them until they either don't want a little sin stick or leave the room. After all, it is a way of life. One day at a time just like one lb at a time. :eek:)
 
This is all very good advice. I know that I have to accept it, she says she never can quit, but I know she can. I think I was foolish though to have believed that she had stopped for almost a year cold turkey. But I know though for a fact she has cut down a lot since. I have to try and let it go. And I trust your advice when you say that you had to quit for you and no one else. I can't make her do it for me, as much as I know she wants to.
 
Hi ya.

I'm sorry you are going through this. :hug2:

You have such a caring/loving spirit.

Please also remember that it's VERY hard to quit as well.

I have tried so many times I cannot keep up w/the count.

I haven't given up though and I know one day I'll be a non-smoker.

I have smoked since I was 13..{I'm 34 now.}

I also have chemical disorders and problems with my nerves..lol
That's one of the reasons it's so hard for me.

It is a horrible/nasty/unhealthy habit, but for many of us it is very difficult to stop.

I have been on tons of meds and I've tried just about everything on the market with no success.

My point is - just remember that it is a drug and very hard to let go of.

I know the older family members in my family want to, but they are so set in their ways they don't want it strongly enough.

I do want it, but as soon as I start going through the horrible withdrawls, I have massive panic attacks and freak out.

I hope one day I can stick it out and beat it.

We do have respect for non-smokers though.

Even though we may be in a home visiting that has smokers, if non-smokers are there, many of us go outside to show respect.

We do not smoke in our home bc I have a 14-year-old son and a pet daughter. ;)

Plus, I can't stand the smell.

I hope things get better for you.
 
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