Chuck Norris Jokes ~post em'

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davidjr74

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Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris
 
No doubt this may offend someone.

Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer............ Pity he never cried.
 
Okay Im in:

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding

The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

Chuck Norris won a pissing contest against a Russian race horse.

:)

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. :rolleyes:
 
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Chillens Rhyme:

Chuck Norris Met this girl named Doris in the forrest.
Doris and Norris were singing a Chorus until Norris found out Doris had no clitoris.
Norris ran over Doris with his Ford-Taurus, and now there is no more Doris in the forrest.


From someone else:

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f*ck with Chuck!"

:)--------Oh, well, LOL. That was dumb, :)
 
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Chuck Norris is the only man ever to defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
If Vin Diesel, Harry Potter, Superman, Goku and the power rangers took on Chuck Norris only then is it rumoured that they could get a hair off his head.


PS.
It is rumoured that Sean Connery somehow took Chuck Norris in Chuck Norris in Oblivion. However I would like to say that this is FALSE. As for the Bruce Lee - Chuck Norris fight, Chuck was trying to keep a straight face all through it, and even then all he could keep to was a smug grin.
 
Here are some of my favorites:

  1. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
  2. The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer
  3. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
  4. In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
  5. Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
  6. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
 
Why is it that every other sports figure who became a movie actor actually got to be a beter actor over time (Arnold, Jackie, etc.) and Chuck Norris is still as bad an actor today, 40 years later, as he was in his first movie back in the seventies? And why is it that studios still make productions with him, as bad of an actor as he is? Does anybody actually watch "Walker, Texas Ranger"?
 
I currently own 4 seasons of Walker. The first 3 and the final 8th season. I can't wait for the entire collection to come out. It's my favorite show. It features some funny moment and all the episodes are basically the same: Walker finds some crazy, outrageous, unrealistic crime syndicate, someone gets hurt, then the show ends with a super slow mo round house kick on said crime syndicate’s leader. Sometimes the show doesn't follow the above formula as Alex (or someone else) gets beat up / kidnap, and Walker has to save him / her.
 
Here's my favs:

Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.
 
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Chuck Norris uses the lethal injection to have a 5min nap

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
 
China used to be a very small country, but then Chuck Norris visited, and as soon as he set foot on Asian soil, every woman in China instantly fell pregnant.
 
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