Bazilika`s Diary

bazilika

bazilika

New member
:waving:
About me
I am a 19-years-old girl
My current height and weight is 163 cm and 50 kgs
My main and only goal is to be free from food addiction.

A little about my plans
1. I want to lose 20 lbs. My main goal is to learn how to eat adequately. After a year of anorexia and seven years of bulimia, I completely forgot how to understand my body. I don`t understand when I am hungry, when I am full, and what I want. I eat in huge portions. As a result, I ceased to be interested in everything except for food. I have no hobbies or favorite things left. I wake up with thoughts of food, work with thoughts of food, and fall asleep with them. All my plans are built around food. I just want to feel the forgotten taste of LIFE again.
2. Timeframe. I think I can handle it before November.
3. First of all, I need to drink very little. Since I'm addicted to diuretics, I swell instantly. Usually, the cause of very severe edema is hot drinks, salty food, salty drinks (tomato juice, kefir, etc.), mineral water with high sodium content, and water more than one liter per day. Now about the food. As I said, I eat in huge portions. Huge bowls of salads, packages of tomatoes, two liters of juice at a time ... in general, I do everything to enjoy the overeating and not gain a lot of weight. Of course, after feeling that my stomach will explode now, it seems to me that there is nothing to lose, and I start eating "forbidden" food, after which I induce vomiting. As a result, the weight is still gaining, and I again plunge into bulimia. That's why I must learn to stop in time.

About the situation
To be honest, food addiction took everything from me. From an active person who loves life, I turned into my own shadow. I dropped out of university, lost friends and family, I have no interest in anything. I try not to go outside. During breakdowns, I do nothing. I have a good job, but I'm afraid of losing it because I work from home and can't control overeating. I can't look at myself in the mirror because I see my eyes full of lies when I say that it was "the last time." Seven years have passed. For me, they went like one insanely long day. All seven years, every week, and almost every day were the same. Wake up - overeat - induce vomiting - overeat again - induce vomiting - run for diuretics - in the evening overeat again, now without vomiting - run for diuretics again - promise that this will not happen again - wake up ... Yes, I was in the hospital twice, drank pills, but it was all useless. Unfortunately, eating disorders are treated very poorly in my country. Therefore, the only one who can help me is myself.
 
Hello Bazilika and welcome to our forum. Since you are already at the very lowest end of your healthy weight it might be helpful to forget about losing sny more snd focus on getting healthy instead. If you can't access the care you need and deserve in your own country maybe online counseling would be an option? Whatever you decide to do please know that you are good enough just as you are and you deserve nourishment.
 
Thank you so much. Yes, I think I shouldn't think about losing weight. I will concentrate all my attention and energy to get rid of overeating. I think the weight itself will come to the right shape with a healthy diet. How can I get an online consultation?
 
Gosh, you are amazing to be able to share your story like that.
I just want to wish you well on your journey, I'm sure you will connect with some amazing people in this forum, and can feel safe and supported.
Sending love from Australia x
 
Hey Baz, welcome to the forum!

I am no expert on this, but I agree with LaMa, I believe your eating disorder is more the problem than your weight. I think your weight is probably fine where you are now. However, you have to see it as fine, not me.

I also have an eating disorder, and ate much like you did, big difference is I kept it down and gained a lot of weight. I would have purged if I could have, I tried but it just didn't work for me. Fortunately since keeping my diary here, and with the support of a lot of the good forum folks I have not binged or overeaten in almost a year and a half. I have also found a much healthier diet, and lost a lot of the weight. I am not cured, and still struggle, but it has gotten better. I believe you can do the same.

You will find many of the folks here have eating disorders, they are all different, and all seem to require somewhat different solutions. I am sure you can find yours, it will just take time and work. I don't know if you need more help than you will find here, but I believe what you do find here will provide some help.

Best of luck to you, I hope to be reading more about your progress soon!
 
alligatorob said:
Hey Baz, welcome to the forum!

I am no expert on this, but I agree with LaMa, I believe your eating disorder is more the problem than your weight. I think your weight is probably fine where you are now. However, you have to see it as fine, not me.

I also have an eating disorder, and ate much like you did, big difference is I kept it down and gained a lot of weight. I would have purged if I could have, I tried but it just didn't work for me. Fortunately since keeping my diary here, and with the support of a lot of the good forum folks I have not binged or overeaten in almost a year and a half. I have also found a much healthier diet, and lost a lot of the weight. I am not cured, and still struggle, but it has gotten better. I believe you can do the same.

You will find many of the folks here have eating disorders, they are all different, and all seem to require somewhat different solutions. I am sure you can find yours, it will just take time and work. I don't know if you need more help than you will find here, but I believe what you do find here will provide some help.

Best of luck to you, I hope to be reading more about your progress soon!
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Hello! First of all, thanks for the words of support and for sharing your story. These are really very inspiring words and I feel so much better! I am very glad that you have achieved such success, I admire your willpower. I will try my best to recover and live a fulfilling life. Now I think that my thoughts about losing weight are a familiar bulimia cycle, and I will not be cured until I give up the idea of losing weight. Therefore, I will focus on healthy eating and, most importantly, healthy eating habits. I think I will have to re-learn how to eat because I have a distorted perception of food.
 
I´m glad you´re willing to give food (and yourself) another chance. Don´t be discouraged if it´s frustrating sometimes: your body has been through a lot and it probably needs time to adjust and feel safe again.
 
LaMaria said:
I´m glad you´re willing to give food (and yourself) another chance. Don´t be discouraged if it´s frustrating sometimes: your body has been through a lot and it probably needs time to adjust and feel safe again.
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Yes, I know it will be very difficult and it will take a lot of effort to move away from the "diet" mindset, but this is the only way. Otherwise, I will try to lose weight until my body gives up. Any diet for weight loss will be just a gimmick of ED. Thanks again!
 
Good for you Baz, very clear thinking.
bazilika said:
I admire your willpower
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You don't need to, I am not likely a stronger person that you. The way I have been doing it is just one day at a time, no longer term goals or commitments, just trying to eat well today. One day is not so hard, and if you can do that and then do it again all will fall into place. This is not to say that I did not change things as I went along, I did, I found food that was more filling and better for me. Tricks like planning snacks into my diet, and so on. That has helped keep the one day at a time thing alive. How about you can you eat right and not purge for the rest of the day? I bet you can.
bazilika said:
I will not be cured until I give up the idea of losing weight
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That is a useful insight, but I suspect not one easily accomplished, particularly not the "cured" part. I am not, and never really expect to be cured of my eating disorder, I am just trying to find a way to live with it. Don't know that you will be the same. Hopefully not, but its something to think about.

I am happy to see you here! Keep posting when and whatever helps, no limits. I do suggest that you start trying to post your food daily, at least for a while. It will help us better understand where you are with things.
 
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