Any single/divorced parents aout there? Need some insight..

S

Shalynn

New member
Any single/divorced parents out there? Need some insight..

Someone please help me understand what's going on here.. Here's my story..

I recently divorced my husband of 16 years (back in May of this year).. This was due to his infidelity... His cheating explains every reason why he treated me like crap in the last year.. After 2 weeks of him moving out, he moves his g/f in.. UGH! In the meantime, I'm trying to make ends meet, by taking care of OUR 4 kids without any support from him... Heck, I wasn't even employed at the time.. Okay, fast forward to now.. I took him to the State and filed for support 3 months after our separation and he now wants to be nice to me, asking me to lower the support amount, blah, blah, blah.. in which I will not..

I've accepted the fact that he's moved on.. fine, that's not my issue.. My issue is that I'm feeling jipped here.. I have been supporting my kids (3 boys, and 1 girl ages 9-16), doing what I'm suppose to do as a single/divorced mother, by working, getting involved in their school activities, everything.. without the involvement/support of their dad.. He doesn't even call them!

So tonight, I over-hear my older (15) son asking my daughter (10) what did she do at the mall with her friends and she says that she bought 'daddy' a gift for Christmas and so he asked her "What did you get mommy?" and she says, "Oh yeah, I forgot about mommy!".. Can you imagine? My heart sunk to my ankles..

Is something wrong here? I don't want to sound selfish.. but part of me feels guilty for even being hurt and the other part is crushed.. :cry:

Go ahead, hit me with your best shot.. :blush5:
 
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I just want to extend a huge virtual hug to you.
Being a parent is heartbreaking at times... I don't have any advice for you.
It sounds like you are doing your best and... ( ok I lied.. I feel advice coming on.. lol )
I guess just remind yourself that she is still a child and thinking with a child's mind and as much as we would like to be appreciated for all of our efforts, it's just not going to happen sometimes. I try to remind myself that even though my children are much older now, they often need the same kind of parenting and understanding as they did when they were toddlers. It sounds like your son has you in his thoughts... that is often the way the family dynamic works.. She probably really misses her Father.
Hang in there and keep telling yourself It won't always be as difficult as it is now.
 
That is really a sad story and you didn't deserve any of that. I went through a tough situation at 15 and didn't want to believe bad things about my mom but the reality was that she dropped my sister and I off with my dad spur of the moment and moved across the country to live with her boyfriend (I will give her that they stayed together about 20 years but she didn't have to leave us kids for a man though). She's apologized for this many times, but at the time I was very confused and really didn't want to believe anything bad, even though I knew it at the peripheries of my mind. Its only when one is much older that one can look back and see exactly what was going on and put 2 and 2 together. My mom tried blaming her dumping us on our supposed bad behavior but when I got older it became very clear that she had met the BF and wanted to go move with him. When your kids are older they will have a better sense of what's going on. For right now, its best that they not have a bad impression of their father, because the things my dad would say about my mom hurt, and he didn't even say much, but especially when you're young it hurts to believe your parent is F'd up.
 
Misty53, thanks for the advice.. Although hearing that was hurtful, I felt that I should just let it go.. grin and bear it.. I'm not going to mention anything to any of them because I don't want them feeling hurt.. My kids have been through alot this year and the last thing I'd want to do is hurt them even more... and you're right, she misses her dad.. It's just too bad that he doesn't see that.. All I'm aiming for in this is for them to be successful, law-abiding citizens and if it takes a million more of evenings like this, then I'll take it..

I feel alot better.. thanks..


Blancita, thanks for your story.. it was touching and it makes me strive even more to be the best mom for my kids.. They are my everything and my primary focus.. I have not moved on (but have been getting offers) and don't plan on it until my youngest is out.. IMHO, I feel that with all they've gone through, imagine the confusion if I brought another man into their life at this tender stage?.. Just my thought on things.. But hey, everyone's different..

They do go to their dads once every 2 weeks.. (Saturday night to Sunday evening) and this is by their request, not his.. Thank you for reminding me not to talk crap to them about their dad, even though he is a poor excuse for a father, in my book.. I'm well aware of the detrimental effect it may have on my kids if I bashed on him.. so I don't and I wouldn't do that to them because regardless of what's happened, I know my kids love their dad.. So hey, what can I do, but just keep on trucking right?

Thanks again! :)
 
Divorce sucks..

Hey Shalynn..

I can tell you from the child's point of view that divorce sucks all the way around. My parents got divorced when I was 2 years old because my dad was cheating on my mom with the woman who became my stepmother. So, my whole life, I had two families.

My mom never really dated, and my dad didn't really put too much effort into a relationship with me. But, I know that the reason they may be looking for gifts for him first is that they may be trying to win him back in a sense.

I was the same way...I would always get excited when it came time to see him every other weekend, and the one thing my mom NEVER did was bad-mouth him. What went on between him and her was between them and had nothing to do with me. So, it really helped in the long run, because even though my dad wasn't "father of the year", I still made the decision when I was in college to have a relationship with him.

About a year and a half ago, my dad and stepmom got divorced after 25 years because she was cheating on him with her first husband. My half brother and sister were 24 and 19 at the time, and boy did she run her mouth to myself, my brother and my sister. It put a big strain on the family and caused all kinds of problems (I haven't talked to my stepmom since my dad moved out). Also, my boyfriend's parents are going through a divorce and he is 25 - they feel the need to call and tell him every dirty detail about the other person and he got to the point where he wanted to shut them out completely.

So, as tempting as it may seem because they are old enough to understand - keep bad opinions about their father to yourself. It's worth it in the long run.

Divorce is not an easy thing - for anyone involved, but good will come out of bad. Your soul mate is out there!

Everything happens for a reason - you'll look back years from now and THANK GOD that it happened. :)

Have a great day!
 
If you think about your youth, there was probably someone that you felt that you wanted to impress or that you missed and enjoyed being with. For your children, they know that you will always be there for them because you have proved yourself. On the other hand, your ex-husband has not proven to them that he will always be there. Children attempt to show and earn love in many ways.
If you think about it, it was probably a compliment that they didn't "think" of you because they know that they don't have to do anything other than be them to have you love an appreciate them.
Although it can be hard, I suggest that you always keep in mind that your children will remember what you have done for them and they will love you--always.

Heather
 
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