Alicia's Diary

Status
Not open for further replies.
Northern_Dreamer

Northern_Dreamer

New member
Hi. My name is Alicia. I am 35 years old, a single mom of 3 kids. Last July I weighed myself and I was 237 pounds. I actually weighed more than that previously, likely closer to 250, but I couldn't bring myself to weigh myself until I had started to lose some weight. Currently, as of my last weigh-in almost 2 weeks ago, I was 203.3 pounds so I'm almost in the hundreds. This is my diary and in it I will be talking about an even bigger issue I've dealt with than weight and that is poor self-image. My hope is that other people reading this can identify with it and maybe look at their own self-image struggles in the context of their weight-loss journey.

My struggles with weight are more recent but my struggle with my self-image has been a longtime thorn. My struggle with self-image began in my pre-teen years where many of us who have battled such issues got our start. At age 12, in the middle of Grade 7, my parents split up so my mom moved us to her hometown where we started a new school. I was excited at first to meet new people and explore new surroundings but the girls in Grade 7 at this school were horrible. They were led by a pack of piranhas who fed on other girls' emotions and insecurities. I had no desire to be friends with them and I may have made a few missteps in refusing their offer of friendship. I quickly became friends with 3 other girls who I liked and thought I was hitting it off with. However, one day I got to school to see a note on my desk saying "You are a nice person but we can't be friends with you". I was heartbroken and I quickly figured out that it was the group of piranhas who had told the girls that if they continued to be friends with me that they would be the piranhas' next targets. Thus I became a target of the piranhas. They whispered and gossiped hateful things about me, made me cry on several occasions and I started fighting every day with my mother about going to that school. I began getting challenged to physical fights with different girls (all set up by the piranhas) and after successfully defending myself at every turn against all the girls they set to fight me, they started getting boys to do mean things to me. By the middle of Grade 8 I had successfully beat up several boys and girls and I was often getting suspended from school. I was miserable and felt hated and alone. The lengths the other kids would go to be mean to me were horrible. Finally my mom let me go to a new school in Grade 9 but the issues that I encountered in Grades 7 and 8 left a lasting mark which still remains to this day.
 
Last edited:
Hi, Alicia. I'm glad you have started your own diary. I think you'll find that low self-esteem is a common issue for most of us. You are among friends here. It is a very supportive place & I hope it helps you to have this safe place to help build your self-confidence. I see you have been exploring the forum & found the motivational thread. There are so many sayings & encouraging quotes etc in there. I go back & re-read it from time to time. I know I need to work on my own self-esteem always, but I also know that we are all equal, we all worthy of love & kindness never goes astray. We must not forget to be kind to ourselves. Welcome to the diaries!
 
Hi Alicia and welcome. What I'm most impressed with from your story is that you won all of your fights. Have you considered getting into MMA or judo?!

On a serious note, that sounds really tough, and unfortunately school days leave their mark on a lot of us. All I can say is well done on your weight loss so far and I look forward to reading about the rest of your journey.
 
HI Alicia thanks for visiting my diary . You are doing super with your weight loss so far .
Agree with Cate we all have self esteem and image issues.
I’m sorry you were treated like that in school . What nasty girls they were . Sadly it still occurs to this day
 
Entry #2:
Growing up I was always very skinny. Though I gained some curves with the onset of puberty, I remained thin until my final year of high school. Throughout my school years I was involved in many sports including soccer, hockey, rugby, track and field, volleyball, baseball and swimming. In Grade 12 I was still reasonably active but suddenly my weight ballooned from the 130s to the 170s. A 40-pound weight gain in only a couple months signaled something was wrong and my grandma, looking at my neck one day, told me to get my thyroid checked out so I did and sure enough I had hyperthyroidism and began medication. After I was on medication my weight hovered at the 155 to 180 range for several years, depending on my level of physical activity. I typically lost 20 pounds during summer and put it back on during winter. I was always conscious about the fact that I was slightly overweight but I wasn't at a high enough weight to feel really bad about it. I wouldn't say my weight hampered my self-esteem. My self-esteem was hampered by other things. I was actually more concerned that people didn't like the inner me. My junior high school years were behind me but back then I had never seen anything wrong with the outer me and I had come to think it was the inner me that people had disliked which made it much harder to deal with I think. Even a few years later I was always anticipating rejection with people I didn't know well, particularily my peers. People much younger and much older I could be outgoing and comfortable with but with my peers I was always tense and uncomfortable, I'd often talk awkwardly and try too hard to get them to like me which would probably come off across as unnatural. I'd read things in their face as me being unlikeable and I came to believe that I was unlikeable to many. Even to this day I have trouble with people my own age.
 
I feel you on the being able to relax with folks older or younger than me but walking on eggshells (and feeling like I'm messing up) with people my own age. How old are your kids? Do you see them navigate social challenges more easily than you did? I don't have children but even watching my nephews go through puberty gracefully is healing something inside me.
 
I think my oldest daughter us exactly like me at 9. Outgoing and not shy at all. But she has difficulty getting along with other kids because she's a bit too bossy and overdramatic

My middle one is quiet around adults but much louder and outgoing around other kids.

My 2-year-old is very energetic but its difficult to say right now how she'll turn out socially. I think I've gotten better at parenting over the years and I wonder if the youngest will end up much better adjusted.
 
Your story really resonates with me, I was bullied a lot by my older sister growing up (and to a lesser extent by my parents but I think that has always been more out of concern than anything else). Everyone in my family is teeny, both in height and weight. I'm 5"6, my two sisters and my mum are all 5"1-5"2 and my dad is 5"5. The only person taller than me is my brother and only by a couple of inches. I started gaining weight in primary school so my mum changed my snacks to fruit while my siblings all got chips/cake/ fun stuff which I think is where I started bingeing. I'd grab handfuls of cookies or whatever I could find in the pantry and eat them hiding in my closet after school. My older sister was (still is) a really awful person and she really had it out for me back then, she used to grab my stomach really hard and laugh at my flab (her words) in front of her friends. I had a couple of years in my early teens where I was slimmer, probably about the weight I am now actually, and I still felt really clunky in comparison to everyone else. I was already taller and even though I wasn't overweight, I was physically larger. Also everyone in my family has straight hair and I had this big curly mop I didn't know what to do with (older sister used to tell me if she had my hair she would shave her head) so I always felt awkward.

My weight has kind of gone up and down over the years, I was pretty close to being obese for a few months at 17 but lost that weight and have been in the high healthy BMI since then (gone slightly over a couple times and down to about 22-23 a few times) but every time I go home it's still all about my weight. Even though the last few times my BMI has been 24ish I still got comments that I should be losing weight. Like I'm sorry you don't find me aesthetically pleasing but technically I'm still healthy. Or if I was particularly fit (I'd been weight lifting for years) I'd get side-eye from my mum and she'd say 'Oh, can see you're still at the gym'. I'd LOL at those comments though, like YAY my gains are noticeable! Even had my obese grandmother try giving me weight loss tips when I went home last time. There's a reason I live across the country from them! (Even though we actually get along very well and these comments will only happen once in a 2-3 week trip it always stands out in my mind, urgh). I actually don't know how I feel about going home in Oct, I'm already smaller now than I ever have been as an adult and plan to be much smaller then... I don't really want comments implying that I've finally done what I should have done all along etc. like it has anything to do with them.

Sorry for writing a novel in your diary, I feel like a lot of us have similar stories with either peers or family growing up that has made weight loss/maintenance much more a mental struggle than it should be.

I think you'll find a great supportive community here, and well done on your huge weight loss so far!
 
I love your story. I am privilege to hear about your drama, heartache and future goals of your life. I strongly hope you never give up and move forward to success. I wouldn't lie. The road of success is hard and bumpy. You would become a strong and wise woman for your daughters.
 
It always amazes me the difference in kids personality in the one family . Same with mine . You really seem to be doing s super job
 
Entry #3

Lately I've been feeling myself struggling not to get depressed. It feels like so much in my life is not good. I'm trying to focus on the good part, my kids, but other things are weighing me down.
--
Lack of money has really made all facets of my life more difficult. I work and work and work and yet I never have enough to get by it seems. When I moved in with my mom in October when I was forced to leave the house I shared with my commonlaw partner, it was with the intention that I could get a place of my own in 6 months. Now I'm going on 10 months living in my mom's house and there's not a clear path out in site.
--
The source of my money problems is of course my ex. In the 9 years we were together he could never keep a job for long as he'd either quit or get fired. He was also a spender. We accumulated some debt which was mostly in my name when we split so its been my responsability to pay it off if I ever hope to improve my credit. We also had consolidated a lot of our debts into a loan which my mother took out in her name for us. I make her regular payments but its a lot of his debts too and its unfair that I have to pay them on my own but I won't leave my mom in the lurch. I was managing the debts but then my ex didn't return the kids on one of their visits to him and I had to go to court to get a police enforceable custody order which took 3 weeks. I don't want to risk him being able to take them again without returning them plus I am required to go after him for child support in order to apply for a subsidy so any extra money I've had has been going to a lawyer. I don't qualify for legal aid but my ex does which again I feel is so unfair. These last 10 months its been me who has been paying for everything for my kids as the kids have barely seen him and he hasn't given me a single cent. To make matters even worse, he told Revenue Canada (our equivalent to the I.R.S.) that he had custody of the kids so my Canada Child Benefit, which is a government payment that we get and totals $1200 a month is currently frozen until they investigate which is taking months. And what makes me angriest about this is that my kids are missing out on so much. No soccer this spring or swimming lessons in the summer, no family camping trips and I had to tell my daughters that this fall they will not be able to go into dance lessons in favour of cheaper activities.
---
A couple years ago my job required that I gain certification which I hadn't needed before. So I've been taking classes little by little, one at a time, as I couldn't afford more. Now my work has given me 10 more months ro complete the certification which is a problem because I can't afford the courses. If I don't get certified on time I will lose my position and be forced to work at a lower position and be paid much less than now. It is stressing me out.
---
And throwing a wrench into the whole thing is that my dad is dying of terminal brain cancer. He began having seizures a couple months ago then they found tumours, they removed them but were found to be cancerous and now he has about 6 months to live. That is hard enough to deal with but what makes it 10 times harder is the fact that he lives in B.C., 1600km away and I have no money to go see him. Even if I can somehow go, what do I do with my kids? My mom can't look after them as she has a very demanding full time job. So I would have to take them with. And I do have the holiday time but I wouldn't be able to go till September and then they'd miss at least a week of school. And the idea of the visit itself just terrifies me. How does one say goodbye to a parent? I know it happens to everyone but I thought I had at least a couple decades before I'd have to.
---
This leads me to my physical health. Stress is a lot and I'm not sleeping well. I've been exercising regularily though. My main problem is with my diet. I've been eating crap for years because it was cheaper, living with an unemployed guy so much. We used the food bank quite often and there we'd get a lot of processed food. Now I'd like to eat healthier but I lack the money to do so. Unhealthy carbs are cheap and fill up the kids. I dream of the day when I can buy healthier food. Walking through the grocery store makes me feel so terrible. Today I had a couple eggs for breakfast and a piece of toast but there was nothing else healthy in the house and I'm tired of eating crap so I didn't bring anything for lunch today. My stomach is already growling and its 9am but I don't even have a dollar to my name right now. I'll have to wait till i get home later and make supper which will be hot dogs and canned beans (yuck). I know eventually I can eat healthy but right now its just not a reality and its frustrating. I think I could really lose more weight if I could afford to eat better. There's a reason poor people are often heavier and its because its impossible to have a good diet when you lack the money to do so
 
Hey Alicia, wow, that is a lot of stuff you have to deal with at the moment. I really empathise with you and I just want you to know that I am rooting for you. Life often goes in cycles - you're in a bit of a dip at the moment - but things get better. The bad times are there to help us really treasure the good times.

I'm not an expert at anything, but my advice based on what you said is as follows.
Exercise - Keep at it. Even if you can't afford to eat the way you'd like right now, keep up with your daily exercise routine, and it will help you to maintain your weight as it is now. Running and body weight exercises don't cost anything, so keep going.
Your dad - I am sorry to hear he is so ill. I think it is important to visit him so I would try to make that a priority. Do you have any friends who would take your kids for a few days? Can your mum take a few days off work? I know it's hard, but if you need help, don't be ashamed to ask for it. All of us need help sometimes.
- Job - Can you explain to them your financial situation and ask for an extension? Or maybe think about applying for something new? Even if you feel you won't get it, use any free time to keep applying for better paid positions. You never know what can come of this.
- Kids - Kids are amazingly resilient and they will understand. Look around for cheaper alternatives for whatever they are interested in. Keep asking for help.

You can do it Alicia. How lovely to have 3 beautiful kids, cherish them and the other blessings in your life.
 
I agree with Emily & her suggestions. That is so much to deal with Alicia. You seem like a loving Mum & it is lovely that you have your Mum's support. Things will get better for you. They must.
 
So, my weigh-in isn't until Wednesday. I was at 205 last week. My scale at home is all over the map. My goal for this summer is to get below 200 but my weight has hovered around 205 (my last 3 weeks the numbers were 203-207-203-205). I've had such a depressing week it would just be so uplifting if I could just see 202 or below on the scale. I'm just so close to that number 199.

Today for breakfast I had 2 fried eggs with 2 pieces cheddar cheese on 2 slices of ryvita. For a snack I had 1/3 cup mixes nuts. No mug of green tea with honey this morning because I forgot it on the counter before work. For lunch I have leftover spaghetti and meatballs. And for supper it will depend what's in the cupboard, possibly tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches (not the healthiest especially with fake cheese only left)
 
Last edited:
Hugs. Please don't feel discourage. Just keep your body moving. Stay away from fry food. You could try out some boiled eggs, green smoothie and toast. There's a member on this forum that make awesome healthy food.
 
The fried eggs really aren't actually bad. They are farm eggs fried with a little butter. Fried food is more of a concern when its deep-fried where it is saturated in grease or loaded in carbs. Its the bread and processed cheese and canned soup that are more concerning to me.
 
Alicia
I am so sorry you are going through all that . Also agree Emily has made some excellent suggestions to you . Tbh you are juggling so many balls in the air right now focus on remaining well and try not to get over anxious about the scales . It's amazing how cheaply we can eat when we need to and I find making food from scratch is cheaper then buying processed stuff .

I hope you get your child benefit sorted soon and they back date it for you. Would your employer advance the cost of your tuition to you as it would be useful in your work ?
Also if your mum is happy for you to stay with her then there is no rush . You have roof over your heads and a warmth .

I do hope you get to visit your dad soon . Wishing you well and hope life turns around for you soon . Hugs
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top